Work Text:
—
there was a time when jungkook once looked into jimin's eyes and saw a gaze he'd only ever seen in the movies.
it was during their Most Beautiful Moment In Life tour, just after they'd finished performing their first show in yokohama. jungkook had been feeling particularly good that night, as he had even more energy than usual to give to their fans, and the hours he'd spent before the concert warming up his vocal cords seemed to pay off when he found himself hitting nearly every note he sang. the others appeared to have been invigorated by his own sense of energy as well, as each time he approached one of them and laid a hand on their shoulder or playfully squeezed the back of their neck with that toothy smile of his, they were quick to return the gesture and shoot him the smile that always said 'that's him, that's our jungkookie.'
nights like these were some of jungkook's favorites. nights when he could look into the crowd around him and appreciate the sea of glittering army bombs for what they were; when he could remove his earpiece and close his eyes and hear how loved he was in the way army's cheers seemed to extend for miles. these nights, though short-lived, came incredibly close to making his training days worth it. he found it easier to forget the pain, both mental and physical, that he went through while he trained, spending all those days trying to make a name for himself while he himself barely even knew who he was. he was thrown into those training days far too early, and to this day he still suffered the consequences of being robbed of a childhood, but when he could look around him and see that not a single seat was empty in the massive stadium they were performing in, this was just a little easier to overlook.
"army, we love you!" taehyung called as he stood at the head of the stage, both hands clasped around his mic and earpiece dangling over his shoulder. the stage lowered and the crowd began to disappear row by row, and jungkook threw his hands in the air and waved one last time before it disappeared completely. as the stage locked in place and the boys were left underneath it, all panting heavy and skin glistening with sweat, the muffled crowd outside and the soft ringing in jungkook's ears signified the end of the night. almost immediately, he felt a staff member bring a towel to his sweaty forehead, bangs clinging to his skin as it was dried.
"jungkook-ah," namjoon called, approaching him with an exhausted but satisfied smile on his face, chest heaving as he caught his breath. "I've never seen you so energetic during a show. where was this jungkook a year ago, huh?"
jungkook quirked a smile and let out a breathless laugh, wiping the sweat off his upper lip with the back of his hand. he knew he'd just begun to come out of his shell when it came to his confidence in his ability to perform, and he knew his members could tell.
"he's right, you know," taehyung added, looking nonchalantly at jungkook as a staff member wiped the older's neck down and passed him a water bottle. "I'm enjoying this new jungkookie. as long as you don't start taking up all the attention from the fans, obviously."
"yeah, save some for the rest of us!" hoseok whined with a frown, though it was a frown immediately followed by a smile that jungkook couldn't mistake as anything but a proud one. these types of smiles from his members were another thing that made all his effort feel worth it. if he could make his hyungs proud of him, he was doing something right.
they were led by the staff to their dressing rooms backstage, left alone to themselves for the next hour or so while the stage was cleaned and props were collected and packed along with the rest of their equipment. jungkook entered his, running a hand through his hair as he took a deep breath, lips slightly upturned in a satisfied smile. approaching the vanity at the side of the room, he put his palms flat on the top and leaned over it to look at himself in the mirror. his eyes were dazed from exhaustion and his face still dripped with sweat, but despite how tired out he was after such a long night, he didn't think he'd ever felt better than this. completely satisfied with his performance and praised by his hyungs, he knew that moments like this were what he trained for.
outside, he could hear the others yelling and laughing through the hallways into each other's rooms. quick, light footsteps ran down the hall, followed by a soft high-pitched giggle that was unmistakably jimin's. so i'm not the only one with more energy than usual tonight, jungkook thought to himself. he leaned off the vanity and was just about to smooth his damp bangs down again when-
"jungkookieee!"
a quick 'yah!' escaped his lips as a body much smaller than his own ran into him, causing him to throw his arms out just in time to wrap around jimin, head falling back as a laugh was pushed from his chest.
"jimin-ssi!" he jokingly responded in that playful voice jimin loved so much, leaving the smaller boy giggling before pulling away to run a hand through his faded orange hair. jungkook could see how out of breath he was and assumed that his wasn't the first room jimin had stopped at. this was a normal occurrence for the older: after shows where jimin was satisfied with his own performance, he would visit each member to congratulate them on a good show and praise them for the things they did particularly well that night. he never spoke of his own performance, nor did he ask for others' opinions of it. that was jimin; sweet and selfless, turning his own self-satisfaction into gratitude for others so as not to keep the attention on himself for too long.
"that was amazing, wasn't it, jungkookie? did you hear how loud they were cheering during your parts?" jimin was breathless but the excitement was still evident in his voice, tongue brushing over dry lips as he smiled, the apples of his cheeks round and making his eyes into little moons as he did.
"sure did, hyung. but what about how loud they cheered for you? i think i might've seen one of them faint when you looked at them." he then mimicked an overly-excited fan, yelling 'park jimiiin!' and fanning himself dramatically before pretending to faint. of course, jimin burst into another fit of giggles, covering his mouth with a delicate hand as he threw his head back and reached with the other hand to grab onto the front of jungkook's shirt. the younger returned a softer laugh, leaning back against the chair of his vanity a little.
"you're getting too funny for us, jungkookie. too much charisma... you'll have to leave your old man hyungs behind and become a solo artist soon." but jungkook always knew jimin was joking when he said things like this. he knew he could never leave any of them. he was just now starting to feel like he was a part of their group, one part of the seven whole. he knew that even though his days as a trainee had been hard, he would never trade his relationship with these boys for anything, even if it meant giving up a life that could've been something else.
"but wouldn't you miss me, hyung? who's going to tease you so much, if not me?" he made a fake pout, which earned a soft breath of a laugh from jimin.
"yah... you know i'd miss you. unfortunately." jimin added, making jungkook clutch his chest over his heart and pretend to be hurt at that. jimin's smile grew, but he didn't say anything, just stood with his arms crossed over his stomach and rocked on his heels, head slightly tilted as he watched jungkook's antics.
"really though, jungkookie. we've all noticed how much your confidence is growing. we always knew you had potential... maybe you just didn't see that potential until recently. you think?" he studied jungkook's face, who raised his eyebrows slightly and jutted out his lips in thought.
"could be that." he felt his cheeks heating a little at the thought of complementing himself. "maybe it's just that i'm getting older, so it's getting easier to perform."
jimin breathed a laugh through his nose at that, looking down at the floor for a moment before letting out a content sigh and placing a hand on jungkook's shoulder, squeezing it.
"maybe one day your confidence will grow enough to accept a compliment, huh?" jimin looked at him with a certain softness in his eyes, which held a muted sparkle to them. jungkook had always seen that sparkle in jimin's eyes as a sign that he was happy, as he had never really seen it when he wasn't.
"i could say the same about you, hyung. you performed better tonight than i've ever seen you, yet you still congratulate everyone but yourself."
then, that sparkle in jimin's eyes grew, and it was as if a door had been opened and jungkook could see even deeper into them. jimin's eyes held a message, a message deeper than jungkook could comprehend in that moment, deeper than he wanted to comprehend in that moment, but whatever this message was, it both intrigued him and terrified him at the same time. jimin's hand slowly slid off jungkook's shoulder, but neither of them broke eye contact. jimin reached up to move a stray piece of hair from jungkook's bangs that had fallen into his eyelashes, fingertips incidentally brushing against his temple in the process. it was only then that jungkook realized how quickly his heart was beating and just how terrifying this look in jimin's eyes really was. it was terrifying for him to imagine that jimin might not look at any of the other members this way; only him.
"you see something in me that the others don't, jungkookie." jimin breathed out the words, his voice softer and quieter.
"hm?" was all he could manage at first, until he found his voice again. "i don't know what you mean, hyung."
jimin stared for just a moment longer, that gaze getting deeper and softer and even more terrifying, and just when jungkook thought he couldn't take it anymore, jimin quirked a smile and looked down. his eyes were on the ground for a moment, hands moving to his pockets as he drew in a big breath and momentarily closed his eyes. to jungkook's relief, that look was gone when jimin's gaze returned to his own, but the smile still remained.
"ah, nothing," he brushed off the comment, making his way to the door as he reached his arms in the air and stretched, letting out a content, heavy sigh as he did. "you're just amazing, jungkookie. what can i say?"
and with nothing more than a playful smile, jimin left jungkook dumbfounded in the middle of his dressing room, questioning everything about the last ten minutes he'd just spent with the other. he replayed the whole scene in his head multiple times until the memory got jumbled and he couldn't think properly anymore. no matter how much he tried to pass off the interaction as just another one of jimin's playful conversations, he couldn't forget about that damn look in jimin's eyes. he didn't move for what felt like minutes after jimin left the room, and he only did so to look down at the wrinkled spot on his shirt where jimin had grabbed it earlier and run his fingers over the fabric.
—
but jungkook doesn't think about that moment for too long. he knows better.
if he thought about that, then he would think about how much he now misses that look in jimin's eyes. he would be reminded that he hasn't seen that look in so long — so long, in fact, that he doesn't think he even remembers quite what it looks like anymore. he would be reminded that there's no one to blame but himself for the reason he doesn't see that look anymore. his foolish, freshly-adult self who didn't know how to handle the idea that someone so close to him might love him a little more than he expected them to.
he isn't quite sure when exactly he started longing to see that look again. maybe it was that one night he stayed up late with all the others playing games and he felt his cheeks turn hot when jimin had brushed his fingertips across his face, which he knew wasn't normal because jimin was always touching him, so why did he blush this time? or maybe it was that day taehyung had gone on and on about how well jimin had been doing on stage lately, and jungkook couldn't ignore the sheer appreciation he suddenly felt for jimin, coming completely out of nowhere but leaving him clinging extra close to jimin's side the next day. or it could've been the time jungkook was sick with a particularly nasty stomach bug and jimin never left his bedside the whole time, sleeping in a cramped chair at the corner of the room rather than retreating to his own comfortable bed despite jungkook's many reassurances that he would be alright. whatever instance it was, jungkook always found himself looking into jimin's eyes and searching, pleading, for that look from so long ago, but he never found it. though he never blamed anyone but himself, because he knew it was his own fault.
and now, they're all grown, and jungkook can't ignore the ways jimin has grown into himself so beautifully. his shoulders have gotten broader and he's slightly more muscular, his face having grown out of its chubby cheeks and into a more angular structure, bringing out those soft eyes of his even more. his waist has gotten even more slender, thighs and backside accentuated by his hourglass figure, leaving him looking so delicate yet so powerful at the same time. along with the physical changes, jungkook can tell that jimin's confidence has grown tremendously from what it once was. it's apparent just in the way the older carries himself: never second-guessing his every action the way he used to, now just floating through life taking what comes to him as it is and somehow always finding a way to make the most of it. he looks up to jimin for being able to live like this, as he still hasn't quite figured out how to live so positively.
now, they're all taking a break from their usual schedules to focus on themselves and their solo careers, and jungkook has more than enough free time to think about jimin, jimin, jimin. but every time he thinks about him, his mind spirals because he knows he shouldn't, and tonight, he thinks he's finally had enough of it.
lying flat on his back atop his mattress with a hand over his middle, he sighs heavily as he closes his eyes, taking a break from staring at the ceiling. with every day that passes, this problem on jungkook's mind just becomes more prominent and impossible not to think about, and he knows he needs to talk to someone about it before it gets any worse.
taehyung is the first to come to mind, but he quickly brushes off the thought because he's never bothered taehyung with issues about his complicated love life, and he doesn't plan to start now. he could talk to hoseok, who could probably offer him some solid advice, but hoseok is known for sugar coating things, and for once, jungkook doesn't want to be let down easily; he's so tired of this that he wants to hear the real truth about the matter, even if it means coming to terms with something he really doesn't want to. and so his mind settles on yoongi, who he's gone to for advice a few times, and who has always told him the real truth even if it was a little hurtful to hear.
he runs a hand through his hair and sits up, eyelids feeling heavy as he shifts his feet against the floor of his room. he stands and makes his way out the room, down the hallway past the rooms of the other members, stopping outside yoongi's and knocking against the frame of the window on the door.
"hyung," he calls, trying not to raise his voice too much so as not to attract attention from the others. "it's me, can i come in?" a moment passes before he hears heavy feet shuffle to the door and yoongi opens it, the smaller of the two dressed in a big hoodie and lounge shorts with his hair fluffy and unkempt on his head.
"ah, jungkook," yoongi responds with surprise in his tone, but he's quick to open the door. "what's up? you haven't come out of your room all day. have you even been out of bed?" he reaches up to smooth down some of jungkook's messy hair as the taller makes his way further inside the room and takes a seat in one of the chairs. yoongi sits in the other, leaning back a little with an elbow resting on the table next to him.
"actually, no, i haven't," jungkook responds. "i've been asleep pretty much all day." a lie, but it sounds less pathetic than i've been sulking for seven hours because i think i'm definitely gay and in love with my band member and i'm too pussy to do anything about it. yoongi looks him up and down, tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek.
"what's the matter? that isn't like you." he concentrates on jungkook's eyes, which refuse to look at him and instead stay fixed on a spot on the table. "is it jimin again?"
jungkook lets out a sigh at that and looks down at his lap, biting the inside of his cheek. he's known for awhile that his members know something has been wrong with him and that it has to do with jimin, but it embarrasses him to hear it confirmed out loud.
"jungkook..." the younger can hear what sounds like disappointment in yoongi's tone, and it stings. "you know thinking about that isn't good for you. it's only going to hurt you more if you do."
"what else am i supposed to do, yoongi?" the exhaustion is evident in his voice as he asks the question. "i-i can't think about anything else. i've finished my upcoming solo projects, and i'm supposed to be taking a break from the gym, which gives me an ungodly amount of time to 'work on myself,' whatever the fuck that means," he does finger-quotes with the words. "working on myself means thinking about myself, and thinking about myself is... it's a dangerous road." his voice gets softer at the end of his sentence and he swallows, brows slightly furrowed as his gaze concentrates on his fingers in his lap.
yoongi is quiet for a moment before leaning forward.
"jungkook." the younger looks up at the mention of his name, but immediately looks back down again as the other continues. "we've all questioned our sexuality a time or two. you've lived with six hot men since before you graduated high school. it's okay if you don't think you're straight."
jungkook is quiet, and he bites on his bottom lip to keep it steady. he can feel it trying to quiver, and that's the last thing he needs right now.
"just look at hoseok. he's proudly out to all of us and everyone else he's comfortable sharing it with, but it never-"
"it's not just that, hyung."
yoongi stops, leaning back in his chair again and folding his arms over his chest.
"i know. it's jimin too, isn't it? he's the one that's making you question it."
"it's... it's everything making me question it, yoongi." jungkook shakes his head, keeping his head down. he's currently very thankful that his bangs have gotten longer, as they're shielding most of his face from yoongi's view. "but... jimin plays a big part in it, yeah. and i know i shouldn't think about it, but part of me can't help but wonder if things with me and him would be different if i hadn't been so stupid back then."
yoongi sighs, running a hand through his hair as he thinks in silence for a moment.
"you want me to be honest with you, jungkook?"
jungkook knows it's going to hurt if he says yes, but he still looks up at yoongi and gives the slightest nod, eyes big and full of something akin to devastation, as if he already knows what's coming.
"you hurt him bad back then. i know you didn't mean to because you were just a kid and you didn't know any better, but it seems to me like your actions were more than enough to scare him away." jungkook bites his lip, keeping his eyes on yoongi's face.
"i-i didn't know how to handle a situation like that, hyung. i was scared, and i... if i could go back and redo it, i would."
"i know you would," yoongi responds with not a waver in his voice, and it makes jungkook feel like he's being reprimanded. "we all do things in our childhood that we end up regretting later in life. but they aren't things we can just turn back time to fix."
jungkook truly hadn't meant to hurt jimin all those years ago. since that first time he saw that look in jimin's eyes, he noticed his hyung started getting even more playful and flirty with him, started hanging around in his room a little longer than usual, started complimenting him tenfold compared to what he used to. each time he looked at jimin, he was met with that look that scared him so much, and he was so scared that he responded the only way he knew how at the time: ignore and deflect what scared him until it went away. he stopped returning the playful gestures, stopped inviting jimin to join his lives, and worst of all, he avoided looking at jimin entirely for awhile, because if he didn't look in jimin's eyes, he wouldn't see what it was that scared him so much. there were many times where he blatantly rejected jimin's invitations to come to his room for a dinner together or be on his team for a game they played. eventually, jimin's efforts stopped, and to jungkook at the time, it felt like the right thing to do because he didn't feel scared anymore. when jimin wasn't around, he didn't have to question his hyung's feelings for him, which seemed like the perfect solution to his problem. but as he got older, he grew to know better, and eventually he realized just how badly he fucked up in doing so. now he sees that period of time where jimin didn't talk to him for what it truly was: he had hurt jimin so badly that he'd left the older with no choice but to take his time to get over him, and to this day he's never given his hyung an explanation for his actions.
"i-i just..." jungkook starts, but he doesn't know how to finish. i wish i'd talked to him sooner. i wish i wasn't so fucking stupid back then. i wish i had the guts to go apologize to him right now.
"there's nothing you can do but apologize, jungkook. i'm sorry to say it, but i don't think there's any chance in hell that his feelings are still there. not after what you two went through and all those years after." yoongi sighs, and when jungkook is silent, he knows there's not much else he can say. he sighs heavily as he stands up from his chair. "it wouldn't hurt to close off that part of your past with a much needed apology, would it?"
jungkook doesn't say anything, just purses his lips and keeps his head down. his brows have begun to furrow again, and when he notices his waterline getting fuzzy with tears, he's glad yoongi seems to be leaving.
"hm? apologizing could still bring you some closure, kook. think about it." yoongi ruffles the top of jungkook's head before heading towards the door. he leaves it half-closed behind him, which he never does; he usually leaves the door completely open, but it seems he's decided to give jungkook some privacy.
as he hears yoongi's footsteps fade away, jungkook finally releases his bottom lip from between his teeth and allows it to quiver, a soft sob escaping his lips shortly after. his vision immediately floods with tears, leaving him closing his eyes and letting one fall onto his lap. he balls his hands into fists on his thighs. he's never felt so vulnerable despite being alone, though part of him feels relieved to finally have gotten his problem out in the open, as he's now given himself a reason to let his tears fall.
he cries quietly, a soft, breathy hiccup slipping through his lips occasionally and the tip of his nose gone red as his eyelids grow puffy around his wet lashes. with everything flooding through his mind, he can't quite pinpoint the exact reason he's crying, he just knows that it's much needed. yoongi's words continue to play through his mind like a broken record, stinging a little more every time he hears them. there's no chance in hell his feelings are still there. they aren't things we can just turn back time to fix. and he knows yoongi is right. even if the irrational side of him would like to think that by some miracle, jimin might still have some feelings for him and they might be able to make something work, he'd hurt his hyung far too much for things to ever be the same.
"jungkookie?"
jungkook freezes. his heart drops to his stomach because that voice is unmistakably jimin's, and it's getting closer to the door by the second.
"hey, jungkook? is that you?"
all he can do is hold his breath and keep his eyes on his lap, mouth tense again to keep his lip from quivering. his knuckles tighten on the arms of the chair as he hears the door open and light feet shuffle inside.
"ah, there you are... what are you doing in yoongi's room?" jimin asks, and it only takes a couple more seconds for him to realize jungkook is crying. he gasps softly, eyes widening a little as he takes a step further into the room and instinctively shuts the door behind him.
"jungkookie..." he takes a few more steps forwards and kneels down in front of the younger. "hey... what's the matter? did something happen?" jimin looks him up and down as he receives no response. he can tell jungkook is trying to hold in a breath to keep back the sobs, and upon closer inspection, he can see how badly his lip is quivering. jimin's face is full of concern, his eyes soft and his voice careful.
"did yoongi say something to upset you?" he asks, noticing yoongi had left the room just moments ago. after another moment, jungkook shakes his head slightly, but that's all the response he gets. jimin frowns in thought as he deduces how to handle the situation. "okay... so you don't feel like talking. that's okay." he nods, and considers taking a seat in the chair opposite jungkook, but he thinks he'd rather stay closer to him, so he continues to kneel in front of him.
"can i hold you, jungkook? would that be okay?" he wants to make sure it's alright before he comforts the other, and he receives all the answer he needs when jungkook raises his head and finally looks at jimin, his eyes so big and so wet from crying, expression looking more pained than jimin's ever seen it, and gives him a small nod.
"of course... poor jungkookie," jimin coos, immediately standing and reaching out to pull jungkook's head into his stomach and wrap his arms loosely around his neck. the younger sits at the perfect height to bury his nose into the fabric of jimin's shirt and wrap his arms around his waist, fingers twisting tightly into the shirt on either of jimin's sides. he finally lets go of his breath and his body wracks with sobs muffled by jimin's shirt, and the older gently pets his hair to calm him down. jimin is confused, as he has only ever seen jungkook this upset a handful of times before, and this time he doesn't even know what's upsetting him.
"shh... i've got you. hyungie's got you." jungkook sobs a little harder at that, and it only confuses jimin more, but he keeps his hands in the younger's soft hair and gently scratches his head the way he knows jungkook finds the most soothing. "let it out until you can talk to me, kookie."
jungkook squeezes his eyes shut and hiccups out another sob, brows furrowed and lip trembling painfully. his slender fingers are clutching jimin's shirt so tightly that they're sweaty and the knuckles are white. the hand running its way through the locks of his hair is doing well to help him find his breaths, and eventually, he manages to speak.
"i'm sorry, hyung," he squeaks out, the words coming out just barely above a shaky whisper. jimin raises his eyebrows, looking down at the top of jungkook's head.
"hm? you're sorry?" jimin thinks to himself for a moment. what did jungkook have to be sorry for? the only thing jimin can remember is that time a couple days ago when jungkook stole the last piece of meat from his plate, but that couldn't be it. "you have nothing to be sorry for, kook."
"y-yes," jungkook responds, his voice a little louder and much shakier. "i do. i hur-hurt you, hyung." his cheeks redden at the way his sobs make him stutter, and he draws in a shaky breath as more tears fall from his cheeks.
jimin thinks. when did jungkook hurt him recently? what on earth is he talking about?
"no, you never hurt me, jungkookie." jimin shakes his head, but jungkook only lets out another sob in response. "i must not understand... i'm sorry."
he can tell jungkook is trying to take deep breaths so he can speak, and he patiently runs his fingers through his hair as he does it. he looks down when jungkook pulls away slightly, noticing how the younger lets go of him for a moment to wipe his nose with his sleeve.
"it wasn't recent... was a long time ago," jungkook says with a sniffle, keeping his eyes focused on jimin's shirt.
"a long time ago?"
"all those times that i... i ignored you," he can feel his bottom lip trying to quiver, and he bites it to keep it still. "and rejected you, and... i-i was so fucking mean to you, hyung."
his face twists up with a sob again and he buries his head back into jimin's shirt because he can't possibly look at his face, not with how much shame fills his body at that moment.
jimin's eyes widen in surprise. he has no idea why jungkook is suddenly bringing up a part of their past, a part that he truly never saw as that much of an issue, but he can tell jungkook does by the way he still can't stop crying.
"jungkookie... does it upset you that much? thinking that you hurt me?" jungkook only continues to cry. jimin lets his hands slide down jungkook's arms as he kneels again, peeking at jungkook's face through his bangs. "hey," he mutters fondly, using a small finger to lift the younger's chin. when he sees that pained expression in jungkook's eyes again, his heart breaks, and he carefully wipes a tear from underneath his eye. he leans forward and presses his lips against his cheek to place the softest kiss there, letting his eyelids flutter closed as his thumb grazes over the opposite cheek, caressing it. he keeps his lips on jungkook's skin until his sobs have turned to sniffles and pulls away to brush the other's bangs aside so he can see his face more clearly.
"i promise, i've forgiven you, jungkook."
jungkook shakes his head, frowning, pursing his wet lips and biting on them. he looks down at his lap, trying to blink away the tears.
"y-you shouldn't, jimin. i was awful to you. i should've known better."
"no. you were young, jungkookie. so young that it was probably your first real experience with anything like that. right?" he wipes another of jungkook's tears away with a soft hand, and as he watches the younger close his eyes and lean against his hand for a moment, he keeps it there on his cheek.
"my forgiveness isn't something that you do or don't deserve. everyone makes mistakes, especially when they're young. especially when it comes to things like this." he moves his hands down to gently grab jungkook's, running his thumb over his tattooed knuckles. "these things are hard, kook... of course you didn't know how to handle me having feelings for you. and you also weren't ready to think about your sexuality like that. am i right?"
jungkook nods faintly, and as he blinks more tears away, he's finding it easier to look clearly at their hands intertwined with each other. his breaths are still stuttering and he knows his face is a mess, but at least he can think a little more clearly.
"i didn't blame you, either. i was confused and upset at first, yes. but i never directed that towards you. i eventually understood that i was stepping out of line... so i pushed those feelings away, and that was that." with a hand on either cheek, he tugs jungkook's head down a little to place a kiss on his forehead. "you didn't know any better than to respond that way, and i've always known that."
jungkook is quiet for another moment, teeth chewing on his bottom lip. he reaches to wipe his nose with his sleeve again and looks up at jimin afterwards, meeting those soft eyes with a thankful gaze of his own. when he's looking into jimin's eyes, really looking into them, he remembers how comfortable the older's presence has always been. he could stay in this room with jimin forever and never get tired of it.
"do you mean that?" he searches jimin's eyes, then takes a moment to look at all his features: his soft skin, that angular nose, and those pretty, plush lips. "you really never blamed me?"
jimin shakes his head with a small smile.
"i talked to namjoon about it, which helped a lot. he was able to help me see the situation more clearly, and i'm glad that i talked to him, because he was completely right. you were young and you didn't know any better. i probably would've done the same thing if i had been in your position."
jungkook takes a deep breath. he wants to feel relieved at that, but he can't. not yet.
"jimin," he mutters as he looks back down at his lap. he plays with the other's finger, hands looking so much larger in comparison to jimin's. "you said you pushed your feelings away." he sniffles. "did your feelings ever... are they..." he doesn't finish because he's too afraid to hear the answer. he's afraid it might hurt him more if he does.
he hears jimin let out a soft breath from his nose and looks up to see him smiling.
"yeah, jungkook... i can't lie to you and tell you that they ever went away completely. we've always been so close that it's pretty much impossible to forget about something like that entirely. but over the years, i've learned how to deal with it and i've found out how to ensure it won't get in the way of our relationship, so you won't have to worry about-"
"n-no."
when jimin looks up, jungkook's eyes are big and his lips are slightly parted. it's that doe-eyed look on his face that jimin loves so much, and he has to resist the urge to coo as he sees it.
"no," jungkook repeats, giving jimin's fingers a soft squeeze. "hyung, i-i asked because... i've been having a lot of thoughts lately. thoughts about this kind of thing..." he trails off. jimin stares, eyes wide as he processes in his mind what exactly that means. he needs jungkook to clarify.
"y-you... about your sexuality?"
"not just that," jungkook shakes his head, and with that intense stare that jimin's giving him, he has to look back down again. he can feel his cheeks getting hot and thinks they're probably as red as his nose now.
"jungkook... is that why this is coming up again? do you want my feelings to still be there?"
for some reason, jungkook thinks he could cry again hearing the words out loud. but this time, he's brave enough to give a small nod. he can feel his lip trembling and his brows furrowing again, and his vision is getting blurry and his throat is once again starting to feel hot and oh god is he really going to cry for the umpteenth time today-
"jungkook."
the tone in jimin's voice makes jungkook look up immediately, and when he does, jimin is smiling.
"you mean that? you have feelings for me too?"
there's so much hope and so much happiness in jimin's voice that jungkook can tell it's something jimin's wanted to hear for years, and this has jungkook crying again, only this time there's a smile on his shaky lips and his big doe eyes are filled with relief, not sorrow. jimin lets out a breathless, relieved laugh and wraps him up in his arms again, arms around his neck as he leans their foreheads together.
"jungkookie... i had no idea," jimin mutters through his smile, which is so wide that it's turned his eyes into moons. the younger responds with a shaky, tear-filled laugh, hands holding onto jimin's forearms.
"jimin," he breathes, squeezing the smaller's arms. he pulls away, his eyes admiring the other's features once again, and this time, he takes his time with admiring them. he's never gotten the chance to look at jimin so close and so intimately like this, and as he looks deeper into jimin's eyes, he thinks - no, he knows - that he sees it. that look he's been searching for for so long now is there, so intriguing and so vulnerable and so familiar, and this time, he isn't scared at all.
"jungkook," jimin says again, and jungkook thinks he loves the way jimin says his name. "c-can i kiss you?"
and the atmosphere between them is suddenly even more intimate, even more vulnerable, and it makes jungkook's heart skip two beats at once. for the first time in a long time, looking into jimin's eyes like this doesn't scare him. it entrances him, and he thinks he could do it forever.
"please," he responds with his voice at a whisper, his eyes already trained on those beautifully puffy lips of jimin's. they both lean into each other until he feels those soft lips on his own, and it feels so right, so perfect, that for a moment he forgets the reason he was even upset in the first place. he forgets everything that's been bothering him for months; the sleepless nights he's endured so much lately, the countless tears he shed that night, the unpleasant conversation with yoongi. all he can remember is jimin, jimin, jimin.
their lips move in sync, connected like they're meant to fit together, and he can feel jimin smiling into the kiss, and it makes him smile too. he thinks he feels another tear run down his cheek, but it doesn't matter because jimin's gentle thumb is quick to wipe it away, leaving him melting even further into his lips. when jimin pulls away, jungkook is left breathless at the sight of the older so close, and he thinks he could stay like this forever.
"hyung..." he breathes, eyes concentrated on those captivating lips. "have you always wanted to know what that would feel like, too?"
jimin laughs breathlessly.
"duh... why do you think i asked you?"
and jungkook returns the laugh and leans in to kiss jimin again, this time even softer than the last. he's so thankful for everything jimin's said in the past few minutes and he wants to show him that in the way he kisses him.
"so, everything that you said... you meant it all? you really never felt hurt?"
jimin nods his head and moves his hands back down to hold jungkook's again.
"i promise i didn't." he pulls jungkook's hand to his lips and kisses it, and jungkook thinks he could melt right then and there. "and if there's anything still bothering you... anything you still want to clear up about our past, i'm here for it."
jungkook nods, the slightest bit of fear still evident in his gaze, though it's now accompanied with the relief he so desperately needed.
"then... can i sleep with you tonight, hyung?"
and jimin doesn't think he's ever felt happier.
—
"jungkook-ah," yoongi calls as he walks through the hall, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "jungkook, where are you?"
he checks jungkook's room and finds an empty bed. he passes both the kitchen and the lounge area, but to no avail.
"jungkook," he calls again as he turns the corner to check another room. "can you come out, please? i wanted to apologize for everything that i said last n-"
he stops as he passes the door to jimin's room and notices it's cracked open. he peeks inside and sees jungkook passed out on top of a sleeping jimin, the older's fingers lazily threaded through the boy's hair as his head lays on his chest.
yoongi smiles to himself. he isn't sure what went on between the two after he left his room last night, but judging by the way jungkook appears to be sleeping better than he has in weeks, he guesses it ended well.
♡