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It takes Goh three days to work up the courage to ask Ash the question that's been plaguing him since Gary goddamn Oak stepped out from behind that Blastoise. “So, um, did I just meet your ex?”
Ash lifts his head from the pillow, squinting at Goh in the dark. “What?”
“Pallet Town. Gary.” Goh sighs. “He’s your ex, isn’t he?”
Ash is quiet for so long that Goh assumes he just isn’t going to answer. “No, he’s not—we never—we were never together,” he finally says, and there’s an ache in his voice as he says the words, something thready and melancholic.
“Did you want to be?” This is dangerous territory, Goh knows. If he were smarter, he would leave this alone—he would curl into his boyfriend’s side and go to sleep and pray to Arceus that they never run into Gary Oak ever again. But the other part of him—the one that had bristled at Gary’s easy dismissal of him, had signed up for Project Mew mostly because Gary had told him he shouldn’t, had fumed when he couldn’t win the attention of either man as they shared such openly tender looks—wanted to know how far down this obsession went.
“Maybe.” Ash shrugs, the motion jostling Goh in the small space of the bunk bed. “Yes? It was complicated.”
“Do you still want to?”
Ash huffs out a laugh next to him. “Goh, c’mon. I’m with you.”
“But do you still want to be with Gary too?” Goh bites his bottom lip. “Both of those things can be true at the same time.”
“Goh, please. I’m not leaving you for Gary,” Ash says, a thread of frustration winding through his voice. “I—I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
That was answer enough, really. “You can, if you want to.” He looks straight ahead as he speaks, mentally counting the slats of the top bunk as he fists his fingers into the blanket to hide their shaking. “Be with Gary, I mean.”
“Goh, I just said I don’t want to leave you for Gary.” Now Ash sounds kind of pissed, and Goh once again questions the wisdom of starting this conversation. “Do you really think I’d do that?”
“No, that’s not what I mean. I’m not saying this right, I’m sorry,” Goh says. “I meant, you can have both. If you want to be with Gary too, I—I’m okay with it.”
“How would something like that even work, Goh?”
“I don’t know, but people do it all the time. We’d figure it out.” And that’s how they end up reading articles about polyamory until three in the morning, Goh’s chest tight as he thinks about Ash and Gary’s hands intertwined, Ash’s thumb brushing along Gary’s skin like he can’t help but try to feel more of it.
Even when they decide to call it quits for the night, it takes Goh a long time after to finally drift off to sleep.
—
Weeks pass, and they don’t bring it up again. Goh sort of wants to know if Ash has reached out to Gary, while another part of him keeps telling him to stop thinking about it if he wants to keep his sanity.
The decision is taken out of his hands when they run into Gary at the airport in Unova, the older researcher watching him with that infuriating smirk as he goads him about keeping up.
When he starts to walk away, Ash blurts out, “Gary, wait! Can we talk for a second?”
Gary gives him a warm smile. “Of course.”
“We’ll be right back,” Ash tells Goh, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. Some tendency towards masochism makes him peek at Gary after, to gauge the anger or jealousy or even the competitive gleam in his eye, but Gary surprisingly seems unmoved by the gesture, and Goh lets out a tense breath he didn’t even realize he was holding.
“Sure. I’ll scope out a place for lunch.” Goh shuffles back, giving a stilted little wave. “See you soon.” Now it’s Ash giving him a strange look, dark eyes narrowing a little like he’s trying to piece something together. Goh’s not sure what it could be—doesn’t have a clue why he’s being so fucking weird himself—and wanders off in the opposite direction before that surprisingly insightful mind of Ash’s sees more than it should.
He finds a cafe down the street from the airport and texts Ash the address. He has no idea how long Ash is going to be. He said he’d be back for lunch, but who knows what will happen once Gary hears why Ash wants to talk.
On the other hand, what if Gary says no? What if Goh talked Ash into this just for him to be rejected? But no, Gary wouldn’t say no completely. He looks at Ash like he’s everything Gary has ever wanted in one shiny package—and Goh gets that, he really does—so if he refuses, it’s only because he doesn’t want to share.
He orders a bubble tea and spends the next ten minutes thinking up increasingly elaborate doomsday scenarios while he pretends to use his phone. He’s still looking at a blank screen when Ash wanders in ten minutes later, looking relaxed and happy as he scans the faces in the cafe. He grins when he spots Goh and bounds over to take the chair opposite to him. “Hey. Have you ordered food?”
“No,” Goh says, putting his phone back in his pocket now that Ash is there to distract him. “I didn’t know how long you’d be gone, so I didn’t want your food to get cold.” He opens the menu in front of him just to have something to look at as he asks, “Did it go okay? With Gary?” Don’t ask, you can’t know details or this will kill you. It’s better if you don’t know. The voice in his head makes a lot of sense. He knows it does. And still, he has to know, at least a little.
“It did.” Ash is actually blushing when Goh peeks up at him. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Ash blush, had sort of assumed that Chloe was right when she said the older man didn’t possess a shred of shame, but there it is, clear as day as it spreads across his cheeks and down his neck. “After your trial, I need—that is, if it’s okay—“
“It’s fine,” Goh cuts in. “Whatever you need.”
Ash bites his lip. “A day. And then, we can head home?”
Goh clears his throat. “Yeah, of course, but just one? If you need more time—“
“Goh, sweetheart, thank you. For everything. This—is something that I never thought I’d get to have. I just need a day, and then I want to go home and eat cake and pastries with you in the park until my stomach literally won’t let me take another bite.”
Goh laughs. “That sounds nice. And mildly painful.” He sobers again as the implication of Ash’s words sinks in. “This isn’t a one-time thing, is it?”
Ash shrugs. “Maybe. If it doesn’t work out this time, then yeah, I think so.” He reaches across the table to take Goh’s hand in his. “But if it does work out, there is no way I can only have this once. So, if you aren’t sure—and it’s okay if you aren’t—please tell me now. Because if I do this, and you change your mind after, I don’t think I—“ He looks down at the table, squeezing Goh’s hand, but doesn’t continue.
He doesn’t need to. Goh understands. If he had been able to have Ash once, only to have him taken away after, it would have broken him. And Goh taking away Gary after Ash had finally gotten a little taste of what that could be like? Well, that would probably break Ash too. This is a bad idea. He cares too much already for this not to get messy. You’re going to be left behind. “Hey, I’m sure. I wouldn’t have suggested it if I wasn’t okay with it. Don’t worry.”
You’re an idiot, Goh. You’re a fucking idiot. He’s starting to wonder how much he’s willing to tear himself apart to give Ash everything he wants.
But no, that isn’t right.
This isn’t for Ash, not completely. There is something he wants here, something so recklessly selfish that it could implode Goh’s entire carefully-constructed life. He just… can’t quite figure out what it is yet.
“I love you,” Ash says it like it’s as easy as breathing, his smile soft and something that’s exclusively for Goh.
“Love you too, Ash.” And he does. He loves him more deeply than he thought possible. And maybe that’s enough. To keep all this together.
He hopes so.
—
Goh passes his trial, and Ash wraps his arms around his middle, lifting him until his feet leave the ground. “You were amazing, Goh!” He spins him around a few times, laughing freely as Goh squawks to be put down.
Goh has almost forgotten their agreement, eyebrows furrowing as Ash starts changing his clothes as soon as they get back to their room at the Pokemon Center.
“When does our flight leave tomorrow?”
Goh taps into the app on his phone, double-checking the itinerary stored there. “Noon.”
“I’ll meet you here then? Before check out.”
Goh nods. “Yeah, that sounds good. Have fun.”
Ash leans down to give him a lingering kiss. “Love you. See you in the morning.”
“Love you too.”
Ash waves over his shoulder before the door clicks closed behind him, hiding him from view.
This is going to blow up in your face, Goh. Why are you doing this?
For Ash, he tells himself. For Ash who brings so much light and joy wherever he goes. For Ash who takes care of everyone else so thoroughly that he forgets to take care of himself. He deserves this. He deserves to have a little of that joy returned. That’s all. That’s reason enough.
Goh sort of wishes he was better at lying to himself.
—
Sleep comes fitfully for Goh that night. He goes to bed earlier than usual to save himself from having to think, but all the thoughts he’s trying to avoid while awake just manifest themselves as annoyingly persistent dreams.
Rough seas and floods and thick storm clouds cycle through his dreams, a heavy feeling of unease hanging at the back of his mind.
When he wakes in the early hours of the morning, he expects it to be another case of his subconscious disrupting his sleep again, but then he hears the door to the room open and close and squints at the vaguely Ash-shaped silhouette walking towards the bed in the dark room. “Ash?”
“Yeah, sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” Now that he’s standing next to the bed, Goh can make out the details enough to see that he’s smiling.
“I didn’t expect you back so soon,” Goh says, cautious, as he glances at the bedside clock declaring it barely after 4 am.
“Gary has an early flight, so...” Ash trails off as he sits on the edge of the bed to take his shoes and socks off. As he’s pulling off his shirt, a certain smell must catch his attention, because he brings the wadded cloth up to his nose for a second time, wincing a bit. “Ugh, sorry. I forgot to grab a shower before I left the hotel. I should go get one before bed.”
Goh can smell a faint whiff of it too, vague notes of cedar and something musky that don’t belong to Ash but are nevertheless familiar. He leans in closer to the other man, hints of the scent lingering on his skin. He pulls Ash into a slow, deliberate kiss, savoring the taste of something sweet and foreign on the trainer’s tongue, letting the contact distract from the fact that he’s still breathing in the smell, trying to place it.
“Hey, c’mon, I should go clean up.” Ash shivers as Goh’s mouth moves lower, dusting little bites along Ash’s jaw and down the curve of his neck.
“S’okay,” Goh breathes out against Ash’s skin, tongue tracing along Ash’s collar bone. “Want you.”
Ash laughs a little. “Yeah? Okay.”
Goh helps Ash shed his remaining clothes, Goh’s boxers joining the pile on the floor as he puts a hand to Ash’s chest and presses him down until he’s flat on his back. He leans down and kisses him again, letting his hands roam over the juts and curves of Ash’s body, hips rocking into his just enough to keep a stream of desperate little moans clawing their way from Ash’s throat.
“I—I need—“ Goh stutters.
“Yeah. Yeah, let me—“ Ash makes a move to flip them over, and Goh shakes his head.
“No, wait, stop, I want to—“ he breaks off. “Can I?”
Ash’s eyes are wide, looking almost glassy in the darkness as he whispers, “I—I can’t. I already—earlier. I’m still—“ in stilted tones, face contorting in embarrassment.
“It’s okay.” Goh doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He just needs— “Ash, please.”
“O-okay,” Ash breathes, legs spreading wider under Goh in wordless invitation.
Goh presses his hips forward, a gasp stuttering out of him when Ash’s body doesn’t give any resistance—just opens for him. He buries his face in the crook of Ash’s shoulder, breathes in the smell of cedar he finds there, bites down to taste it, muffling the sharp cry he makes as the pleasure coiling in his gut builds until he’s spilling into Ash with a sob.
He lays next to Ash until his breathing returns to normal, and then he does it again and again, until the sun has already made its ascent into the sky and Goh’s body trembles all over, weak and spent, and Goh can’t find a trace of cedar left on Ash’s skin.
When he collapses next to Ash and turns his head towards him, he finds the trainer looking at him with that same speculative gaze he’d aimed at him in the airport the previous day.
Goh worries that he’s already given away too much.
—
Two months pass, and while they occasionally run into Gary on their travels, he and Ash haven’t coordinated another meeting. It clearly isn’t for lack of wanting to, considering how often said run-ins end with Gary shoving his tongue in Ash’s mouth. Goh would have thought that would be more of a welcome change, since it means less time for Gary to heckle Goh about Project Mew, but in reality, it just means that Goh is ignored and overlooked by the other researcher even more than before.
So he doesn’t expect either man to notice when he slips away in the mall at Cyllage City. He heads to the bathroom, letting the cold water run in the sink. He has his head bent over the basin, filling his cupped hands with water to splash across his face. He hopes the cold will shock some sort of clarity back to his foggy mind, but he feels just as out of control after repeating the process another three times as when he started.
The door opens behind him, but he pays it no mind, blinking the water from his eyes as he turns off the facet. He makes eye contact with Gary, now standing directly behind him, in the mirror when he looks up. He jumps, placing a hand over his racing heart, giving the other man a glare through the mirror. “Jesus, Gary, you scared the hell out of me. A little warning next time.”
Gary doesn’t respond, just moves closer until Goh’s hips are pinned between the counter and Gary’s body. “What are you doing?” Goh asks, voice cracking halfway through the question. To his horror, he watches a blush spread across his cheeks in his reflection.
“Testing a theory,” is all Gary says, hands resting on either side of Goh’s trapped hips.
Goh feels his interest pique despite himself. “What kind of theory?”
“Why did you make the agreement with Ash?” Gary asks.
“Does it matter?” Goh sighs, looking away from the mirror and the other man’s unnerving stare. “Ash likes you, and having us both makes him happy.”
“Oh, so you’re fine with your boyfriend getting fucked by someone else because of the endless goodness in your heart, huh?” Gary chuckles, low and deep into Goh’s ear. “Bullshit. What do you get out of this?”
“Do I have to?” Goh meets Gary’s gaze in the mirror again, anger at the researcher’s words leaving him gripping the counter in front of him hard enough to turn his knuckles white. “Or are you just enough of a selfish asshole that wanting the people you love to be happy is only worth it if there’s something in it for you?”
A laugh bursts from Gary at the snippy comment, the closest thing to a real smile on his face that Goh has ever seen from him without Ash around. “Nah, I just don’t make ridiculous deals for no good reason.” His thumbs rub distracting circles into the skin directly above the waistband of Goh’s pants. “Come on, Goh, I know you're smarter than that. Ash told me you’re the one who suggested it. No one pushes for something like this unless there’s something they want too.”
“Maybe I do want something,” Goh bites out. “But what makes you think it’s any of your business?”
“You made it my business when you sent your boyfriend to my bed.” Gary’s hands disappear from Goh’s sides, and Goh has to bite his lip to keep in a whine of disappointment at the sudden loss. Gary leans his head in to murmur his next words directly into Goh’s ear, a shiver working its way down Goh’s spine as the brunette’s breath ghosts along the side of Goh’s face. “I’ll give you what you want, Goh. But you have to ask for it.”
When Goh turns his head to glare at the other researcher, his nose catches the faintest smell of cedar, and he’s overwhelmed by the memory of Ash spread out beneath him, trembling as Goh moved inside of him, nose and tongue chasing that elusive scent clinging to Ash’s skin.
Goh’s jaw goes slack with horror as realization dawns on him.
No.
No.
He can’t want—
He can’t.
“Think about it,” Gary says, amused. He presses a kiss to Goh’s temple before he moves away completely, sauntering out of the bathroom as Goh collapses against the sink.
He can’t want Gary Oak.
He just can’t.