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Looking back, he should have known something wasn’t right from the beginning.
Lexi’s hair was braided into some sort of up do, the tiny hairs that escaped from its hold haloed her head as the setting sun from the living room window washed over her. How’d she even learn to do that shit with her hair? Lexi’s ability to place things in just the right sort of way to create something that looked like art felt like one of the many things that made them different. She was glancing down at her lap, carefully flipping the pages of a book. He could see the way her eyelashes carefully moved up and down as she scanned the pages. She was beautiful.
Fez had seen plenty of pretty girls in his time. Lots of pretty girls doing some pretty ugly things, too. But there was something so fundamentally different about looking at Lexi. He felt like he was looking at the sun; the experience bordered on painful. She made things prettier just by being next to them. Just by talking about them. Everything Lexi touched turned to gold, and Fez longed to be one of those things.
He tried to swallow down the emotions bubbling in his chest, but they persisted in a way he wasn’t used to. He was used to keeping level-headed, making sure none of his stupid feelings got too out of control. He told himself he just had a little crush on Lexi, because who wouldn’t? It wasn’t nothing to ruin a good friendship over. But right now, looking at Lexi sitting cross-legged on his couch made him feel like his chest wasn’t big enough to contain his heart. Like his body wasn’t big enough to encompass this feeling he couldn’t name.
“Lex,” he managed to tumble the nickname out of his throat, which was tight with emotion. She turned her attention away from her book looked at him, her face morphing into a wide smile that hit him like a bullet. Was she always this gorgeous? Of course she was. It had just never seemed so true then in that moment with her looking at him like that.
“Hey, I was wondering where you were,” Lexi told him, scooting over and patting the empty spot on the couch next to her. Why was she here, again? He must have invited her over. Or maybe she invited herself. Fez sure wouldn’t have minded, but a wave of fear washed over him as he remembered what had happened to Rue that one day last year when she stopped by unexpectedly. He’s gone, Fez reminded himself. There ain’t nothing to worry about anymore. He just wanted to make sure Lexi was safe.
Safe. That word echoed in Fez’s mind. Safe. I have to keep her safe. I have to keep Ash safe. Ash... where’s Ash? “I saved you a seat,” Lexi’s voice cut through his thoughts.
Fez must be high. He must be so high that he forgot he even got high, because right now he’s standing in front of Lexi acting weird as fuck getting emotional over absolutely nothing. He needed to get his head on straight.
“Whatchu up to?” Fez asked her, moving from his spot in the hallway to come settle in beside her. He took note of the space between them. The short distance felt like an electric field. Like if he reached out, his hand he would get shocked.
“Just doing a bit of reading while there’s still some daylight.” Lexi waved her book in front of him, carefully tucking a bookmark into the pages.
She came over to his house to read? Once again, not that he minded. Fez would have invited her over to watch him clean his damn microwave if he thought it would have been of any interest to her. Any excuse to have her around.
Damn, he must have invited her over, gotten high, forgotten, and now she’s been sitting here reading just waiting for him. Fuck, he was such an asshole.
“It’s a book on flowers best suited for growing in the summer,” Lexi added on, absentmindedly thumbing through the pages. Fez looked down and caught a glimpse of yellows, purples, reds and greens dancing along the pages as she scanned through them.
“You startin’ a garden or somethin’?” he asked her, tilting his head. Lexi had a lot of hobbies, she would often get into something and make it half her identity for a few weeks. He loved hearing her talk about the new things she learned, it felt like he was learning too. Plus, she looked cute while rambling on. She looked cute right now. She always did. Fez felt those same big emotions in his chest, like he was losing himself in Lexi. Why did he have to feel this way?
She gave him a small smirk, bringing in her eyebrows together. “Well, I suppose each new season is like starting a whole new garden, if you’re putting it that way.”
Fez wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by that, but he felt he had asked her enough questions. She was probably upset he made her wait here for him in the first place. Fez felt a stirring in his stomach that he knew was guilt. That guilt was always there, at least a little bit, when he was around Lexi. Like he was stealing time from her when she should be off doing bigger and better things.
She placed her book to the side and sat up on her knees, facing him. Fez made another note of her crossing into their usual buffer space. The space they always kept between them, only sometimes daring to reach out and touch each other’s hands. Fez was always conscious of it, both not wanting to make her uncomfortable and also not wanting to test his own limits of self-restraint.
She reached out her hand and cupped his cheek, brushing her thumb over his cheekbone. He stopped breathing then and there. They had never done something this intimate, though everything he did with Lexi felt intimate. Even just talking over the phone felt so deeply personal. Anything beyond a touching of their hands felt like a far off dream to Fez. He had long ago written off kissing her as something he could only ever experience in his head.
“You look so beautiful in the sunlight like this,” she sighed, smiling softly to herself. “It makes me want to count all your freckles one by one. I finally understand why people write poetry about these sorts of things.”
Fez’s breathe felt shallow and the only part of body he could feel was the part of his cheek touching Lexi’s hand. The only thing he could hear was his heart pounding in his ears. He scanned her face for any clue of what it was she was trying to say.
“Lexi, stop playin’” he said softly, not daring to move a muscle.
Lexi tilted her head to the side, letting out a laugh. “I’m not! Of course I’m not.” Then she brought her free hand to the other side of his face, quickly dipping her head down and pecking him on the lips ever so gently. “I’d never joke about my feelings for you.”
Fez felt out of his body. He felt the quick sensation of her lips touching his already begin imprinting itself into his skin. If it weren’t for that feeling, he’d have thought he hallucinated the entire moment. Her feelings for him? As in her liking him? He couldn’t understand why she hadn’t just said that. Or maybe she just meant as a friend. And she had just kissed him as a friend. They did that shit in like, Europe, right?
Lexi still sat in front of him with her hands in the same place on his face. This certainly didn’t feel like things friends did. When he saw her bring in her lower lip and bite it gently, and mind went blank and his body reacted. He brought his hand to the back of her neck and brought her mouth back down to his, kissing her in a way he never thought possible. Their lips moved over each other like they had been created to do just this. He tilted her head back gently and deepened their kiss, tentatively sticking out his tongue.
Fez wasn’t sure where he was getting this bravery, he just knew something inside of him was telling him to take this chance while he still had it. He placed his hands on Lexi’s ribcage, slowly moving them down to then grip her hips where he started rubbing small circles. Then, before he even know what he was doing, he lifted her up and placed her legs on either side of his lap. She was perfect. So perfect. Whatever God existed must be super fucking cool since they allowed him to touch her like this.
Lexi let out a small gasp into his mouth, and then smiled. Fez couldn’t help smiling back. Why hadn’t they done this sooner? God had to be real, because this was heaven. Lexi pressed herself up against him in a way that made his mind melt and he pulled away slightly. He had to tell her. “You’re so beautiful, Lex. The prettiest girl I’ve ever known, forreal. You drive me crazy.”
Lexi blushed, Fez could see the color moving to her cheeks, and looked down in between them. “Still gives me butterflies every time you say that,” she whispered breathlessly.
That gave Fez pause. Had he said that out loud before? He certainly thought it. Every time he saw her. Had he accidentally let it slip? He feels like he would remember. He should remember. He was having a hard time recalling anything that wasn’t this exact moment.
The sound of the front door opening pulled them both out of each other’s gaze. Fez turned to see Ashtray walk through the door, dirt covering parts of his face. He takes one look at Fez and Lexi and doesn’t even bother rolling his eyes, just lifts the top of the right side of his lip in a scowl “You two are fucking gross, take that somewhere else.”
Lexi had already clamored off of Fez’s lap and back to his side. Fez immediately felt emptier with her absence, but also a little embarrassed that Ash had found him in that sort of situation. That’s not how he expected a confession and first kiss with Lexi to go, but it had all seemed to happen faster than he could think.
He looked back at Ashtray, scanning the dirt on him. He noticed some had even gotten on his clothes. “Yo man, what the fuck happened to you?” There was panic evident in Fez’s voice.
Fez was worried Ashtray had gotten himself into some sort of fight. He knew Ash had anger issues and was always quick to start something, but at least he mostly did that when Fez was there to back him up or get him out of the situation. He didn’t like the idea of Ashtray out there fighting by himself. He never wanted him to be by himself.
“The fuck else I be doin’? I was feeding the goddamn chickens because your stupid ass is in here trying to make some softcore porn,” Ashtray said while kicking off his shoes.
Fez glanced over at Lexi who was still a little pink around the ears from getting caught, but she was busy cracking a smile in Ashtray’s direction.
“Chickens?” Fez blurted out.” Bro what the fuck— if you’re starting fights out there you gotta let me know. I can’t let you—”
“The only one starting any fights is Caroline, who was being a huge fucking bitch by the way,” Ashtray interrupted him, flinging himself down on the couch opposite the two of them. Fez once again looked over to Lexi, but all she did was give Ashtray a knowing nod.
“She’s really sensitive these days. I’ll see if I can get her some fake eggs to sit on so she feels like she has a purpose,” Lexi said empathetically.
Fez felt for the umpteenth time this afternoon that he had no idea what was going on. Was this also a symptom of him being too high? Who the fuck was Caroline, and why was she, apparently, a chicken?
Ashtray nodded once, leaning back into the couch. “Thanks, Lex. Might help.”
Fez blinked in shock. He could count on one hand the amount of times he had heard his brother say thank you, much less call Lexi “Lex”. At his most endearing, he’d heard Ashtray him call her “that mousy looking bitch you got a crush on”, which Fez took offense to for multiple reasons.
Ash glowered back over at Fez and scoffed, mostly to himself. “Fightin’” he muttered, just barely audible. “I ain’t even like that no more.”
“Ash, please don’t get dirt on the couch,” Lexi begged seeing Ashtray sit back into the cushions with his dirt-stained clothes. Fez wasn’t exactly sure what Lexi cared happened to his couch, which was old enough to have suffered through the Regan administration.
“So now you wanna talk dirty things that go on in this living room?” Ashtray asked her, raising an eyebrow and leaning over with his elbows on his knees. Fez stiffened, bracing himself for Ash’s anger. He never seemed to care much for Lexi, but Fez didn’t think he’d ever be aggressive towards her. Then again, Lexi had been very careful to never push Ash’s buttons. She always greeted him warmly, even when he never reciprocated.
“Ash, don’t...” he warned, but Lexi still got up from the couch and stood in front of him, hands on her hips. Damn, maybe this girl really was fearless.
“Here, at least give me your shirt to throw in the wash,” she told him, hand outstretched. Ash sighed, but proceeded to take off his outer shirt and hand it to Lexi, leaving him in his white tank top.
Shit, Lexi’s doing laundry here now? When did that start happening? Fez thought to himself. She really did feel the need to take care of everybody, Ashtray included. Lexi took the shirt and turned around, padding across the carpet. “Be back soon, you guys decide on the movie for tonight,” she told them, turning her head as she left the room.
I guess I invited her over for a movie, Fez thought to himself. He briefly brought his hand to touch his mouth, still feeling her kiss there. He still had so much more to say to her, but he couldn’t do it with Ash here.
Speaking of, Fez brought his gaze back to Ashtray, who had taken out his phone and was scrolling through it. He looked up at Fez for a moment and said, “I don’t care, man, as long as it’s not another one with the little women or whatever.”
Fez didn’t say anything. Something completely out of pocket seemed to happen every time he opened his mouth. He took in the sight of Ashtray sitting before him. He couldn’t believe this was the same baby he found sitting at the end of his hallway when he was ten-years-old. His brother, who was brought to him to be his family.
He would sometimes feel bad for Ashtray, when they were younger. His mom not even caring enough about him to think twice about leaving him with some stranger. Fez didn’t have his mom either, but at least he had his grandma, who he knew cared about him above all else. But then the more he thought about it, the more he realized that Ashtray was always meant to be his brother. It’s not like he would have been much better off with a junkie as a mom anyway. So instead of being mad at this woman, Fez was glad that she hadn’t cared for him. She wasn’t meant to. He was.
With Ash, Fez had a purpose. He had put on this earth to look out for him, he was sure of that. Not like a parent, but as a brother. He had always though of Ashtray as his equal, it just so happened most of the responsibility fell to his since we was older. He didn’t mind that. Plus, Ash was so smart. Smarter than anyone else realize. Ash stopped needed him a while ago, but he still chose him. Fez was grateful for that.
As he started at Ash sitting there on the couch, Fez suddenly felt a deep emptiness. What if that lady hadn’t left Ashtray? What if instead of the role he filled in Fez’s life, there was nothing? A cold fear started to work its way through Fez’s veins. The presence of Ashtray in front of him felt abruptly heavy, like a black hole; there was something there in front of him, but it felt tangibly like the absence of something.
When Ashtray suddenly stood up, Fez did too without even thinking about it. “Don’t go,” he told him. He wasn’t even sure why he was saying this, he just felt he had to.
“I’m gotta piss, bro, chill,” Ash said, putting his hands out in front of him. “That okay with you?”
Fez took one long stride and pulled Ashtray into him with one arm, suddenly feeling like he couldn’t let him go. He had to anchor him here, no matter what. “I love you, Ash,” he told him. It wasn’t something he said often. It might not have been something he said ever, because it was always just implied. But for some reason, right in this moment, Fez needed to say it out loud.
“Bro, you’re seriously being so weird right now,” Ash said, stiff under him. But he didn’t push him away.
“I mean it,” Fez said, pulling back to place his hands on either one of his shoulders. He looked deeply into Ash’s eyes. He needed to know. Fez felt like his life depended on it.
“Yeah... me too, I guess,” Ash said kind of awkwardly. Fez knew that was probably the best he would get out of him. It still made his heart warm.
“Okay, if you’re all done using me as a body pillow, I seriously need to piss,” Ashtray complained, shrugging him off
Fez sat back on the couch, feeling entirely emotionally drained. He had never in his life experienced mood swings such as these. As he sat there, he felt himself come out of his previous thoughts, blinking away tears that had formed in his eyes. He needed to get himself together. Whatever the fuck he smoked before this must of been laced. He looked past the couch Ashtray had just been sitting on, trying to change his train of thought.
On the wall opposite him, Fez noticed something odd. A photo. He had to do a double take because his grandma never really put many photos up, and he surely never bothered redecorating much after her accident. Taking another look, Fez noticed it was a photo of the three people, sitting along a bench on a porch.
Immediately he recognized that he was one of them, sitting on the left side with his arm outstretched on the back of the bench, giving a smile he considered goofy. Ashtray sat in the middle, completely stone-faced. Right next to Ashtray was Lexi, smiling brightly while putting up bunny ears behind Ash’s head.
Fez felt his stomach drop. He glanced around at the rest of the wall, full of decorations he didn’t recognize. He looked down at the couch under him, realizing it wasn’t actually his grandma’s couch from the 80’s, but instead a deep green one he’d never seen before. This wasn’t his grandma’s living room. This wasn’t even her house.
“Fez?” Lexi’s voice cut through his brain fog. She was sitting right where she was before, he hadn’t even seen her come back in. Fez looked over her, searching her face for answers. She looked back at him with worry, reaching out to place her hand over his. “Fezco, are you alright?” she asked him with a deep concern lacing her voice.
Fez wasn’t stupid, despite what some other people might think. He can read people, even if he doesn’t always want to admit to himself what he’s sensing. The look Lexi was giving him was one he’d never seen on her face before. She had looked at him adoringly, sure, but at the time he had convinced himself that’s just how she looked at everyone. Because his Lexi had so much heart to give. But right now, she looked like her worry for him was deeply affecting her. Like she loved him.
“Yeah, I think so,” he managed to say. Lexi frowned and threaded their fingers together, squeezing his hand. Fez looked down at where they were intertwined. There was something there he hadn’t expected to find. Two things, actually. One on each of their ring fingers.
“Holy shit,” he blurted out, unable to contain himself. How had it taken him this long to realize?
He was married. To Lexi. They lived together. With Ash. On a fucking farm.
Lexi raised her eyebrows, anxiety clearly radiating off of her. Ashtray piped up while returning from the bathroom, face finally clean of dirt, “I think he’s got heat stroke again.”
Lexi’s hand tore from his and raised to Fez’s forehead, pressing against it. Fez shuddered embarrassingly against her touch, still not used to being this close to her.
“You feel normal,” she said, scrunching up her mouth to the side.
“I’m good, forreal,” Fez said a little too loudly, afraid to rock this boat too much.
He knew what this was. This was just another black spot, it had to be. He must have just forgotten a few years in between all this. No big deal, he’s been through this before. It was scary, sure, to just completely black out like that, forget entire years of his life. But he didn’t need to worry Lexi and Ash. He could handle this. Maybe he’s slowly remember, sometimes that happened. It wasn’t an excat science. It was probably just a few years, anyway. He still felt young, and Lexi didn’t seem much different.
Sure, he would have liked to experience the in between. His actual first kiss with Lexi, getting Ashtray out of the drug life and moving away, Christ, marrying Lexi fucking Howard. Or was she Lexi O’Neill now? Or, shit, maybe he was Fezco Howard? That would have been fine with him.
He wanted to know everything, but more than that, he didn’t want to do anything to ruin this. This was his dream., and he got it. No need to press too hard into things.
Fez turned his head back over to Ashtray, who was looking down at his phone again and smiling. He looked softer. He also looked older. How had he not noticed?
“Did you guys decide on a movie?” Lexi asked, looking between the two men in front of her. There was a beat of silence. “I was thinking maybe Dead Poets Society? I think you guys would really like it.”
“Does it have any tits?” Ashtray asked, not looking up.
Lexi rolled her eyes. “No, but it does have great poetry and the power of friendship. Fez loves that sort of thing,” she said, nudging him in the side.
“Sounds good to me,” Fez told her, head still swimming with so many questions. He’d find them all out, eventually. Right now, he just wanted to enjoy this moment.
“Man, you always cave into her immediately,” Ashtray grumbled.
“Well then maybe you should have chosen something when I told you to!” Lexi said, smirking at Ashtray as she grabbed the TV remote from the coffee table. Their coffee table, Fez thought to himself in awe.
Lexi started the movie and went around to turn off any excess lights. The sun had set by now, leaving them in the dark with only the glow of the TV to illuminate them. Fez settled in slightly closer to Lexi. They were married now, after all. He couldn’t believe this was even a possibility for him. He had to be the luckiest bastard alive.
A few minutes in, Fez could feel pain seeping into his head. He ignored it. He wouldn’t let it ruin this moment for him. He genuinely wanted to see this movie, too. Before long it starting pounding, right near his scar. His hand reached up to rub across his scalp while he winced.
“Your head hurt?” Lexi asked, looking at him knowingly. Fez nodded once, remembering even before this black spot he had told Lexi about the chronic pain that had followed his head injury. He didn’t like to mention it to people, burden others with his pain, but he wanted Lexi to know every part of him. Lexi crossed her legs and guided Fez to lay his head down on her lap. He lay there, glancing over at Ashtray as Lexi ran her hands gently over his scalp.
“It will pass,” she whispered. “Like all things.” He wanted to believe her. He kept trying to concentrate on the movie, willing himself to stay present in the moment. Despite his efforts, it all started going blurry. Black spots began to cloud his vision. Please, he thought, please let me stay here. I don’t want to forget anymore.
A slight ringing began in his ears, which wasn’t unusual in this situation, but this ringing felt different. Like it wasn’t inside his head, but instead outside of it.
No, no, no, no. I want to stay here. “I want to stay here,” he said aloud, hoping something or someone would hear him. He turned his head to Ashtray, who he began to see less and less clearly by the second. It was all slipping away from him, and he felt helpless to stop it. He couldn’t even move.
“Don’t trip, Fez,” he heard Ashtray’s voice say, though he could no longer see him. “We’re here for you. Always.”
Always.
Fez could hear too much, but he couldn’t see enough. He felt like he was floating alone in black pool, surrounded by a million people he couldn’t see.
He felt pain. Not only in his head but in his stomach. Lexi and Ashtray were no longer there. It was just him.
“He’s waking up,” he heard a voice say, distinctly above the chatter that seemed to engulf him. He hurt, all over. Every cell in his body rejected the fact that it was alive.
It was all darkness, until it wasn’t.
And then it was again.
“Welcome back,” said a voice, and he was blinking into a bright light. It wasn’t like looking at the sun. It was much worse. There was no warmth.
“Do you remember what happened?”
He did, but he didn’t want to.