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It was night. The owls were chirping, and the crickets were hooting. Yeah, that’s right, things are different here. There was a strange stench filling the air. Michael was aghast. Could this finally be it again?
KNOCK KNOCK. The door rang. Michael let out a sweat. One singular sweat. He has a sweat gland problem, please don’t judge him. Nervously, he army crawled towards the door. If it really was that smelly smell again, he couldn’t let it see him.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. They are getting impatient. It’s three knocks now. Michael answers. He could believe what he saw. He gently slammed the door shut. He could not deal with this again.
It was his mother. She works for IRS. She wanted her nickel back. Michael has been committed tax fraud for a while now. You see it’s the future now, and all nickels must be claimed on your tax return. It’s some environmental thing, I don’t know.
“Michael I know you’re here.” Ugh, he smelled her again. She smells like 80s office. 2080s mind you, since it’s the future. He grabbed his dentist who could assist him with holding his nose closed while he spoke with his mother. By way we should mention, all three of them live together.
“Please leave my house that I pay for which I live in” Said Michael. He was wearing a headband he got at Forever21 that had rhinestones on it but they were falling off. Also it was broken down the middle, the plastic it was made of had broken. The headband with rhinestones on it that was broken down the middle had a hard time staying on his head. His only solution was to tape it with gorilla glue.
It is the next day. His mother was still outside the house in the freezing cold since it was cold out. She was still trying to get in and Michael was still trying to get his headband to stay on with gorilla glue but the gorilla glue expired 4 years ago.
Michael smelled a smell but it was just the oven. Which, if you think about it, is the opposite of a refrigerator by the way. Not to get political, but Michael had put a spinache and cheddar quiche in the oven a few days ago and completely forgot about it. It was time to take it out of the oven.
The quiche was done and it was good lookin’.
There was a knock at the door. Who could it be?
There was a police ordering he answer the door. SWAT was also there because Michael had been holding his dentist hostage for 4 days. His dentist was actually the one that put the quiche in the oven.
“Please open the door or we will have to come in” Said the police and the SWAT team.
“No”
“If you don’t answer, we will have to write you a letter, stating how angry we are.”
“WAIT!” The dentist had spoken. To be honest no one realized he could talk. “I have Stockholm Syndrome. I have fallen in love with Michael. I am cleaning his plaque and we are getting married.”
A collective “awwwww” could be heard round the house. The police had calmed down. “Well good golly miss molly, who are we to get in the way of love?” They were beginning to disband.
BUT WAIT! One of the SWAT starts to speak up. “I happen to be an ordained minister. I was officially certified through Coursera©, an American massive open online course provider founded in 2012 by Stanford University computer science professors Andrew Ng and Daphne Koller. I can marry them right on the spot right here, right now.”
Wedding bells were ringing. Cop cars are actually equipped with the ability to convert their sirens to wedding bells now. It’s the future. The wedding was being planned as we speak. It was very cool and gay since the dentist and Michael are both men. It’s the future.
Michael’s mom was still outside trying to get in. She was very cold. It was cold. The temperature outside was below 40 degrees Fahrenheit. She felt cold. It was cold outside. It might start to snow but nobody was sure because the temperature was fluctuating between 32 and 34 degrees Fahrenheit. It was cold. You know what else was cold? Michael’s mother, because she was outside still trying to get in because it was cold and she could not get in the house.
A weatherman drove up in his weather mobile. He was very upset because he has a lien on his house and he was living in a small mobile home off the grid.
The wedding started. The ordained SWAT minister was also gay by the way.
After the wedding everyone went out to denny’s and talked about how funny it was that michael’s mother was still outside the house trying to get in because it was cold. Their food was also cold and smelled kind of awful. Michael remembered something. He didn’t have his headband with rhinestones on it that he had gotten at forever21 that had a crack down the middle because it was broken and he usually fastened it to his head with gorilla glue.
He found it. Also he was wearing the new travis scott shoes that nike had just put out in time for everyone to forget the travis scott murdering inceident at wally world fest or whatever in 2021. Because the future it is now.
Michael could not find The Dentist. The dentist had been in the all gender restroom crying because he was very emotional because a song came on the denny’s radio playlist at the dennys they were eating at because he was thinking about how julian casablancas of The Strokes had not released any new music in many years and that was his favorite artist (who was not gay but that’s fine).
“Let me hold you in my arms a while” Said Michael who still had a nickel that he stole from the US government through tax evasion.
Michael and The Dentist made out all over the place then held hands and walked to barnes and noble which was right next to the dennys. They forgot to pay but it was okay because they were gay.
They looked for a book but they didn’t have it.
Anyway they went home and Michael’s mother was still trying to get in the house because it was cold out. It didn’t snow out so they didn’t feel that bad but it was still below 35 degrees Fahrenheit out. Michael and the dentist went in the house and ignored the banging on the door to get in from michael’s mother. She was wearing Air Jordans.
Did you know there is a store called michael’s but they do not have a nickel
The swat team came back with the police to wish them a happy marriage but then they realized michael’s mother was still outside, but that was fine.
Julian casablancas released a new album in that very moment and all was well in the world in that moment.
FIN