Chapter Text
Dean Winchester tries to commit suicide in a dirty motel bathtub, one bleak Friday night. Half a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle and a half of whisky do the trick. He drifts out of conscience quickly, feeling like he is drowning and afterwards he really starts to drown in the full bathtub. Someone passing by happens to hear the commotion and they manage to get him out of the water 15 minutes later and the paramedics give him CPR, which promotes his heart to start beating again. It doesn’t change a thing, because the damage is already done. Once they get to the hospital, the doctors pronounce him brain death, his beautiful green eyes don’t hold any reflex and his throat is no putting any resistance to the breathing tube, the exams show no sign of brain activity. At least that is what the doctors explain Sam and John when they finally arrive at the hospital almost 24 hours later. A young nurse shows them the way to Dean´s room, Sam´s brain tells him that is a damn shame his brother is unconscious, because he would love to flirt and make jokes with the nurse, he hasn’t quite grasped yet that his big brother is not going to wake up. John watches his oldest son laying in the hospital bed and he gets mad, how dare Dean do that to them?, after everything, after finally killing Yellow eyes almost a year back, they deserve some peace, they deserve to live long fulfilling happy lives, he doesn’t seem to remember that it is been almost the same amount of time since the last time he has seen or even talked to his son.
After what seem only a couple minutes, but were probably hours, a young resident and a social worker try to talk to them, asking what Sam and John consider tactless questions, how can they be asking so callously if they have permission to remove Dean´s organs and give them to someone else? Why don’t they understand that his big brother is going to wake up anytime now and call him a big girl for crying and then make an off-hand comment they will all pretend to believe? “Why are you crying, you big baby girl? Aww Sammy, were you worried about big old me? I admit it wasn’t my greatest idea, but the hunt was a bitch, now why don’t you bring me some pie and ask the doctor when I can blow this joint”. John´s line of thought is similar and yet different, how can this so call professionals talk about his son like this, this is just like when Dean was younger in what seemed a lifetime ago, when he would hide under the covers and try to scare his dad yelling “got you”, but, Jonh´s brain tells him, this time he is not hiding under the covers and there wont be a giant “got you” before a goodnight hug.
That night, after traumatizing the hospital staff, they are left alone in the room with the breathing body of Dean, by now Sam can empirically say he knows his brother is not waking up, it should feel best/worse than denial, but honestly he doesn’t feel nothing, it is like the moment his brain understood that Dean is not coming back, all the joy was sucked out of him, leaving a gaping hole in his being. Sam tries to vocalize something anything to his father, but he is unable to get his voice to work. John hasn’t reached acceptance yet, his head is spinning, he is still angry, but by now the anger has migrated from Dean to himself, the guilt is starting to show its ugly head, why didn’t he call or better yet why didn’t he meet up with Dean before? What was so important that made him ignore one of the only people he has left, arguably the only one who has ever stick around without having to, the only one who has ever forgiven anything he has ever done? Why did he forget about Dean? He knows the answer almost instantly and the guilt creeps faster. He didn’t call because he was too busy playing house with Kate and Adam, he was so happy to be somewhere that hasn’t been touched by the Mission, where he could achieve a state of happiness, even if it was built on a tower of lies, ready to burst at any given moment. And while he is being honest to himself, he can also recognize that the reason he hasn’t called his son is because he cant bear to look at him and seeing all the missing opportunities, to see a soldier of his own makings, to see his failures as a father reflected on his son, because the only promise he made after the war was to keep any children he had away from it and not only he didn’t keep his promise but he dragged both of his sons to the front line. He won the battle, but it seems like they lost the war, while he wasn’t looking.
The sound of the door interrupts both men trains of thought. A man dressed as a janitor enters the hospital room, pushing a cleaning car while eating a lollipop.
-Good evening, gentleman- he says- I thought visiting hours were over- a permanent grin attached to an otherwise normal face and for some reason John´s instincts tell him to stay on guard.
-Yeah- Sam responds after a minute of silence, with a raspy voice- The hospital made an exception- which is a polite way of saying that they couldn’t tear them apart of Dean´s room.
-So you arent the two psycos that made a ruckus on reception early on?- the janitor asks grinning, Sam shrugs non commitment, and the janitor murmurs- Seems too much trouble for a vegetable.
-Excuse me, would you like to say that again?- Sam asks enrage, and finally an emotion starts to swell on him- That is my brother you are talkin about, you inconsiderate bastard. How dare you?- Sam looks ready to burst and John is following closely, ready to rearrange the janitor stupid grin out of his face.
-How dare I?- the man asks sardonically- How dare you?- he counters- how dare you stand there almighty, trying to pretend to be the perfect picture of a grieving family, when you couldn’t give a damn about your brother, about your son?- At this point in the conversation, John´s alarms are ringing loudly, but it is Sam´s who answers.
-You don’t know anything. You don’t know my brother or our history- he responds
-And that is were you are wrong bucko, I do know your brother and I would say that even better than both of you combine- he answers in a voice that commands respect.
-Who are you? What are you?-John asks with no hesitation, because this being in front of him is clearly not human.
- I have been called a number of names through history, but you two can call me Loki- the being answers- And as to what I am, I am a trickster. To be more precise, I am The Trickster. And I would drop the holier that you attitude, afterall you won’t want me to get mad, well, madder.
-Why are you here? What do you want?- Sam asks, seeing his father apparently in loss of what to say-
-Why am I here?- he repeats- Would it shock you if I tell you that I just wanted to visit Dean-o over here- John scoffs, so the trickster backs down- Alright, you caught me, I have a reason to be here, well besides the first one. Initially, I wanted to plat a trick with you two, so you could get served your just desserts, but after thinking it and conversing with some of my… lets called them associates, I decided that I would come here and offer you a-once-in-a-lifetime-deal.
-What kind of deal?- Sam asks
-I will put you through a quest, for lack of a better name, if you manage to complete it, I would heal Dean for free.
-Bullshit- John scoffs- Nothing is ever free. What do you want?
-Honestly, I want you both to suffer, to understand what Dean has been trough and for you to realize how your actions culminated in this.
-Alright, look, Dean and I had a rough childhood, I know it already but…
-You, Samuel Winchester, know nothing, not even a fragment of what your brother has been through- Loki says coldly. Not wanting to enrage the being that could save Dean, John asks.
-What are your terms?
-If you both accept- Loki starts- I will transport you to Dean´s memories, the ones that made him who he is right now, both good and bad, they could be mostly good, they could be mostly bad, you could even have a different recollection of the fact, it doesn’t matter, you will have to watch everything exactly how it play out, no lies, no half-truths. And you can stop it at any time, but the moment any of you says enough, Dean dies.
-We will do it, how hard can it be- Sam tells Loki with a false sense of bravado, proving once and for all that he gets his impulses from John.
-Not so fast, you will not only watch these memories, you will relieve them as if you were Dean. By that, I mean that while you won’t get any physical damage, you will feel everything that Dean felt the moment the events past. So do you accept?- he asks with an air of finality in his voice. John´s mind seems to work at a fast pace, but for the life of him, he cant see the trick in the deal. How bad can it be?
-We accept- Sam and John say.
-Alright, then I wish you both luck. Remember the magic word- And with a snap of his finger, John and Sam drop unconscious and are transported out of the room.
-I hope they learn. Hang in there Dean-o- Gabriel says before disappearing.