Chapter Text
When Jungkook steps into the cafeteria, he feels so nervous.
New places overwhelm him. New places take time to get used to.
And yet he has to go in anyway because he has barely eaten anything in the past twenty four hours. He's so hungry that he feels like he might pass out if he didn't put some food in his stomach right now.
The thought of entering a new place in a still unknown city on his own makes his stomach twirl with anxiety. His hunger makes it even worse but that's what he told himself before coming here, right? that he's going to be just fine on his own.
The cafeteria has a good lightning, so if he looks, really looks he will be able to find the counter without much trouble. If he finds the counter, then he could ask for a little help from a barista. They won't be rude to him. He hopes.
It doesn't take him much time to spot the counter, so he takes careful steps towards it, tightly holding onto his folded cane. He doesn't want to use it inside because there are people and it's tap tap sound hitting against the floor will bring him unnecessary attention to him, and he really doesn't need it. The attention. He has to get used to it though, but he still hasn't. Unnecessary attenti-
Thump
He bumps into someone.
Oh no
There's a gasp, at first. Loud and annoyed and maybe angry too, some liquid falls onto his sweater making a shiver run through his body. He can smell sweet orange on him, and something falls on to the ground, probably their food tray, making a loud noise, and everything happens so fast and then- a glass.
The sound of a glass shattering.
That's what makes him feel dizzy.
No no no not now, not now please.
It doesn't take too long before the time slows down and everything around him starts to get darker and darker. Jungkook holds his head, rubs his eyes and pulls at his hair but and the feeling of air pulling out of his lungs reaches to him anyway. He tries to breathe. All the sounds around him turns faintly muted as if everything is fading away. Jungkook feels like he's fading away. He tries to keep his mind steady but he fails, just like he does, every time.
It's so cold.
He looks up to feel the heavy rain drops on his face. Feels rain pouring heavily around him, and it makes his whole body shiver violently.
His throat makes a sob noise when hears someone screaming.
Jungkook's brother is screaming, and it's so so cold. He tries to wrap his arms around himself but realizes that he doesn't have enough strength in him to do that.
And there's a crash. A Loud clang. A huge vehicle hitting another. The sound of tyres colliding against the wet road. It's heavy, the sound. And unbearable.
Jungkook would never ever be able to get that sound out of his mind.
The sound of his father's car crashing in front of him. It has not even been ten meters away from Jungkook. He's there again and he's trembling violently. Jungkook feels like his head is about to explode. Please make it stop. He wants to say. Wants to scream. The sound of glasses shattering, "Jungkook-ah, stay there we-" his brother's excited voice getting cut halfway through by a loud loud crash,
His brother is screaming. Jungkook was so confused at first that night, didn't know what was happening but he felt scared, so scared and lost and unpleasant. He feels like that right now too. Everything is just happening all over again.
Over and over and over again and it feels real. So real.
Maybe his father is screaming too. There are noises, too many noises that make every bone inside him feel like they're breaking. The smell of burning. Gasoline. Jungkook can't stop crying.
They were so close, so close to-
"Hey, hey little one,"
It's so hard to breathe.
Someone is talking.
Someone's talking to him, a voice unfamiliar but so warm, and a hand holding him tight. Jungkook's head hurts, he wants to open his eyes but he still doesn't have enough strength for it.
"Hey are you here with me? breathe little one, you're okay, you're okay."
So gentle.
So warm.
🥀
Jimin is humming a part of a song Yoongi has been working on for weeks as he waits for their order to be finished at the juice counter.
He glances at the group seated around the large table at the corner of the cafeteria, the people he loves so much, probably gaining more attention and stares than they usually do because Namjoon is aggressively signing to others about something that happened in his class earlier. He looks frustrated.
Jimin knows his professor had refused to answer one of his questions again because the professor probably did not know the answer to that.
It happens a lot.
Jimin sometimes wonders if Namjoon more intelligent than all of his professors combined. Well, Jimin thinks, smiling to himself. He probably is.
He's too far away from them to understand what exactly Namjoon is saying, so he just smiles and turns back to the counter to ask how much time it's going to take for their order when he hears a loud noise from the other side.
Jimin turns, stares at the man and the boy for a moment, and the second the boy loses the grip around his cane, the second the boy looks like he's there but also he isn't Jimin sprints towards him.
The man who the boy bumped into looks annoyed and Jimin quickly apologizes to him while grabbing the boy by his waist.
"hey, hey little one, you're okay."
🥀
When he regains his consciousness, Jungkook feels someone's fingers gently running through his hair.
He is lying down, he realizes. His head is resting on someone's lap. It takes some time to collect all of his thoughts together and when he does, he shivers. His head feels heavy, and his heart feels heavy too but the hand on his hair feels nice. Really nice.
Taking a breath, he listens to the voices talking around him softly, as if they are afraid it might wake him up. Or else, maybe they are waiting for him to wake up.
Jungkook tries to remember what exactly happened, what led him to be here. He hasn't had anyone cradling his hair like this in a really long time.
He sighs.
Then, remembers.
He'd bumped into a stranger in the middle of an unknown cafeteria and probably ruined their meal. Oh no. He thinks. He doesn't know anyone here at all. What? Then these are strangers' voices he's hearing, he's lying on a total strangers' lap, and a stranger is running their fingers through his hair.
Fuck, No.
The sudden realization hits Jungkook all at once.
He opens his eyes and urges himself to get up, hisses when his leg hits on something.
Where is his cane?
"Hey, hey, It's okay." A voice. Gentle hands leave from his hair and someone carefully pulls him down to a chair. "Don't worry little one, I'm Yoongi, you're safe here okay?"
A voice.
Warm. Kind. Gentle. Jungkook wants to nod but he still isn't convinced. He's still confused. He's scared.
"I-" he tries, tilts his head. Tries to get an idea about his surroundings. It's not so dark, he can still see the blurry figures of people around him. Hears low murmurs. "My cane?" He finally manages to ask. His throat is kind of sore. He wants to hold something. "Can I have my cane?" He says, slowly holding out his hand.
"Of course, sweetheart, here it is." Jungkook releases a sigh of relief when someone hands him his cane. He tightens his hold around it, clutches it over his heart. Thinks, Sweetheart.
"So, little one, we think you had some kind of an episode?" That voice from before starts, Yoongi, he thinks. "We're really sorry you had to go through that, Jimin here talked you through it a little, and you fell asleep after that for like thirty minutes." Yoongi explains. "Are you feeling better right now?" Kind, kind, kind. Jungkook thinks. Fiddles with his fingers. Bites down his lower lip. He thinks about it, wonders if he does feel better.
The thing is, Jungkook doesn't know what it's like to feel better.
Doesn't know what it is like to feel okay. He hasn't known that for a very long time but this? This kindness? These voices? This comfort. Maybe he does. Maybe. But he nods.
"Okay, good, that's good-" Another voice says. They're all so- soft. Comforting. Jungkook might cry if he thinks too much about it.
"Jungkook," he says. "I'm Jungkook."
Jungkook hasn't had anyone who talks to him like that for so long. Not after he lost his father, not after his brother couldn't even remember him anymore, not after his mother, his mother...his mother, Not after he lost everything.
"Okay, Jungkook," He blinks, lifting his head at the other unfamiliar but kind voice. "I'm Hoseok. Do you want water?"
Water, Right. Yes, yes he does, water would be nice, so Jungkook nods again.
"Here." Someone takes his palm and hands him a glass of water in an instant. He winces only a little at the contact.
It's when he takes a sip and gulps it down that the guilt starts seeping into his mind. Starts to feel like a burden. Like he always is. He takes in a shaky breath, squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm sorry." He mutters, holding onto his cane and the glass of water so tight in his hands. "I'm so sorry for-" A breath hitches on his throat. He thinks he's going to cry. Don't be so weak Jungkook.
"Don't say sorry, you didn't do anything to be sorry for, Jungkook." Yoongi right? Yoongi says kindly and Jungkook thinks, despite everything, he wouldn't mind hearing that voice everyday if he had the chance.
Jungkook shakes his head. "No, no, no I did, I did so much to be sorry for, I'm so sorry, I don't-" His knuckles are going to explode. His head is going to explode. His heart is going to explode. "I- I ruined someone's meal too I have to- I have to pay for them." Jungkook can't seem to stop his weak rambling. His throat burns. "The floor? The cafe floor, I ruined that too, didn't I? Did the workers get in trouble, because of me?" Oh no no no. "I'm really sorry I probably ruined your night too. I shouldn't have come, I'm sorry." His voice cracks. He feels so guilty. "I should've just stayed- I'm just so stu-"
"No one got in trouble, Jungkook-ah, You're okay."
He doesn't think he deserves to be talked to with such warmth and kindness. So he shakes his head again.
"Hey Jungkook? I'm Jimin." Another voice says and Jungkook tilts his head in their direction.
It was Jimin. It was Jimin's voice, he heard when he felt like he was falling. It's that voice which bought him back from it, Jimin's touch felt like it was holding his thoughts back without letting them run into that night. It could've been so much worse if it wasn't for his voice, his touch. "Hey little one"
"Jungkook?" His thoughts snaps back from Jimin's voice. "Jungkook are you here with me?"
"Yeah, yes, I'm sorry." He says blinking.
"Jungkook-ah, everything is okay, you've already apologized a lot. It was only a little accident, those things happen and that's alright." Jungkook doesn't say anything to that. Just keeps listening. "The important thing is that you feel alright right now, okay? You're fine." Jimin's voice sounds so honest. So gentle it makes Jungkook wants to believe him.
"And you did not ruin our night, Jungkook, don't even think that." Hoseok says, his voice is so kind and warm and Jungkook thinks, okay. So he slowly nods.
"Thank you so much for helping me Jimin-ssi, Hoseok-ssi and Yoongi-ssi" he says lowering his head from where he's sitting. He looks up then, eyes roaming around him and thinks he sees more than three people there. He furrows his eyebrows.
Hoseok lets out a little laugh. "Don't mention it Jungkook-ah." he says. And Maybe he notices the little confusion on Jungkook's face so he says, "Jungkook-ah, Namjoonie, Taehyung-ah and Seokjin hyung like to meet you as well."
"Hello Jungkook."
🥀
Jungkook falls onto his bed with a heavy sigh. His heart still feels warm.
He stares at the darkness in front of him and lets his thoughts run into the people who he got to meet at the cafeteria a few moments ago.
They even walked him to the bus stop, waited until his bus arrived, even when Jungkook told them that they didn't have to because he didn't want to be a burden, they said they wanted to do that, that he was not a burden.
Jungkook liked that. Having someone, not one, but six of them, to walk to the bus stop with. They chatted about nothing and everything, it felt- Jungkook hums to himself. It had felt nice.
He hugs a pillow to his chest. Thinks about Namjoon, who had greeted him with a quiet "Hello Jungkook.", his voice so deep and beautiful. Thinks about how Hoseok and Jimin giggled saying how it has been a long time since he used his voice like that.
He thinks about Yoongi, who had felt so warm and welcoming, who's voice Jungkook wouldn't mind hearing everyday, who told Jungkook that everything is alright and he was safe there, voice filled with so much kindness.
He thinks about Taehyung the one who caressed his hair, who's presence felt so cheerful, when Jungkook thanked him saying his hands felt nice on his hair, Jimin had translated what he said to Taehyung, and Teahyung had giggled. Jimin told him that Taehyung had said he's got golden hands.
Jungkook smiles at that memory, blinking away his tears. Not the tears of hurt this time, though.
He thinks about Hoseok, voice so bright and warm, like the sunshine you get after a heavy rain. Thinks about how he said Jungkook didn't ruin their night at all, but rather it was so nice meeting him instead.
He doesn't deserve to meet good people like that.
He thinks about Jimin, his gentle touch which held him back, not letting him fall. How his sweet voice in his ears made him feel. How joyous and warm he felt being around him.
He thinks about Seokjin, who made Jungkook feel so alive. Seokjin who had said things to brighten up Jungkook's mood, Jungkook had wished at that moment, a little selfishly, that he could listen to Seokjin's voice.
Seokjin and Taehyung are Deaf, Jungkook learns that night. And they don't really use their voices. Namjoon is Hard of Hearing and he still uses his voice, just a little, from time to time.
To Jungkook, voices are so important. That's how he gets to know people. That is mostly how he is used to recognize people. But tonight though, he'd experienced something different.
Maybe He thinks. There are other ways to know people too.
There were six of them, around him, talking to him and the most surprising thing to Jungkook is that he didn't feel nervous. Didn't feel anxious. He didn't mind those people being strangers who he had just met. He wonders why that is.
Jungkook doesn't like being surrounded by strangers. It makes him nervous. Anxious. So anxious that sometimes it pricks at his skin. Strangers, to him, usually, make things hard, but these people he just met? They helped him when he was at his worst when most people would avoid situations like that, made sure he was okay, treated him with such warmth. Jungkook never had people who made him feel less nervous like that.
They didn't feel like strangers at all.
🥀
Jungkook wakes up to the sound of his phone beeping. He had fallen asleep without even removing his shoes. He groans, patting his nightstand to find his phone.
One message from an unknown number.
He clicks on it and the human but also kind of mechanical female voice starts reading the message for him.
'Hey, Jungkook-ah this is Hoseok hyung...' and Jungkook freezes. Freezes hearing the word, Hyung.
Hyung
his phone keeps on reading the message but he doesn't hear the rest of it. His heart, his heart feels like someone is trying to break into it.
Hyung
Jungkook doesn't try to hold back his tears this time, so he cries. He cries, burying his face into his pillow until he feels like it's hard to breathe. Until he feels like burning inside.
He can't figure out what he's feeling. He doesn't know what he's feeling and the only thing he knows is that his heart is growing big inside his chest. Like it could burst out any minute.
For a moment, for one selfish moment, he wonders how it would feel if he had someone to wipe away his tears. To hold him though his worst. Wonders how it would feel if he had someone next to him right now.
No, you don't deserve people like that in your life, Jungkook
He tries really hard to throw away those thoughts, to ignore them, he always does but they're always there, making him so insecure, so worthless. He's so fucking worthless.
His phone beeps again.
Jungkook sniffles, getting his phone again and clicking on the first message.
'Hey Jungkook-ah, this is Hoseok hyung. You got home safe? How are you feeling right now? Text me back whenever you can so we know you're okay?"
He clicks on the second message as he wipes away his hot tears from his sweater sleeve. His eyes are burning.
It's a voice message.
'Hey Jungkook-ah, this is Hoseok hyung, did you get home safe? I wasn't sure how you prefer to message so I sent you a text message as well, I hope you did get home safe, and when you get this message, send me a reply whenever you can if it's not too much trouble, so we know you're okay? It seems like Hyungs won't shut up until they hear from you." Hoba-ah Yoongi's voice in the background. "and um- also, Seokjin hyung is gonna make egg tarts tomorrow so, if you don't mind telling us your address, we can bring some for you too, but, do not feel bad if you don't wanna share it, it's absolutely fine if you don't, okay Jungkook-ah?.'
Jungkook lets out a pained noise from the back of his throat when the massage ends because he doesn't think his heart is doing a good job right now. He doesn't think his whole body, is doing a good job right now.
He doesn't know what he's feeling. Can't figure it out.
It's a painful thing, but it doesn't feel bad. His heart, might actually like this.
The thing is, Jungkook never expected them to remember him. Not for long anyway. Didn't expect them to care this much about him after he said his goodbyes at the bus stop tonight.
Yes Hoseok did ask for his number, and Jungkook gave it to him but Jungkook had been just an insignificant person for so long that he didn't think they would actually care enough to contact him. Isn't that what everyone does? adding a new number to contacts and never look at it again? It has happened to Jungkook too many times so he just never expects anyone to remember him anymore, he isn't worth remembering like that.
He just don't matter. To anyone. And that's okay because that's what he deserves, he's just Jungkook who just keeps living because he has to. Not because he wants to. He's just.
Jungkook types Hoseok a message.
I did get to my apartment safely, hyung. Thank you for worrying about me.
No one really does, hyung. He thinks to himself but doesn't type.
He waits a few seconds, thinking. He still can't seem to stop his tears. His heart hurts too much. He feels-
Do you think I matter, hyung?
Do I matter to you?
His phone starts ringing a few seconds later.
🥀
Hoseok's heart has a weird ache inside it. Jungkook picks up the phone after three rings. There's a shaky breath and Hoseok is so worried.
"Jungkook-ah?"
There's a silence, Jungkook doesn't reply for a long time and Hoseok gets more worried by each second. "Jungkook?" He tries again. Jungkook inhales.
"I didn't think you would remember me hyung." Jungkook says, almost whispers. Seokjin is watching him so attentively. Hoseok gives him a worried look and closes his eyes. Takes a deep breath. Jungkook's voice just breaks him.
"Why would you think that Jungkook-ah? What made you think we won't remember you?" He asks, gentle with his voice.
Jungkook makes a quiet noise. "That's what just always happens hyung." Jungkook's voice is painful to listen to, but Hoseok bites down his lip so he won't make a worried noise. "People forget me. They don't- I don't matter, hyung. I just don't- I don't think I'm worth it, but." He sighs. "I'm sorry hyung. I'm not- my head. It's just, I'm not in a good place right now, I'm sorry. I don't- I'll hang up now. I'm sorry for burdening you-"
"No, no. Jungkook-ah, sweetheart, you can talk to me. You're not burdening me, tell hyung what's wrong?"
Jungkook hums too close to the receiver. Hoseok listens. "You just- " Jungkook says. "Didn't forget me. It's been- so long."
Hoseok clenches his fingers around his phone. His nails dig into his palm because of the pain he feels for Jungkook. About whoever made Jungkook feel like that. Why has it been so long? He thinks. For the few hours they spent with Jungkook, all of them loved him. Such a wonderful person, they said to eachother. Even though he carried a sadness and a tiredness that they couldn't really understand yet, in his eyes.
Hoseok feels a kind of rage about whoever made Jungkook feel like he's not worth it. Fuck.
"Jungkook-ah? sweetheart, Listen to me, I'm sorry I'm really sorry people made you feel like that, but that's not true, okay? You're worth it, I think you're worth it so much."
"I-" Jungkook tries to say something. "I'm just- I'm just no one hyung, I'm just me."
Hoseok's heart aches at those words that he has to sit down.
"Jungkook-ah, do you know what I think? you're not no-one, you're worth remembering and I'm really glad I met you today." He says. "All the other hyungs think so too. I think we'll remember you for a long time."
Jungkook takes time to reply but that's okay. Hoseok waits. "You really think so, hyung?" He asks finally, in a soft soft voice.
"Yeah, sweetheart, I do. We do. I think I'll be so glad to have you as a part of my life, part of our lives, if you like that."
"Oh" Jungkook says. He sounds tired but maybe, a little hopeful too. Just a little.
Hoseok smiles. "Today was a long day Jungkook-ah, go to bed now, hope you have a good night sleep."
He hears Jungkook sniffs, but he has maybe stopped crying. Maybe smiling a little too. Hoseok can't really tell. "I'll- I'll send you my address. Can't remember it but I'm sure I have it somewhere, I will text you hyung."
Hoseok feels warmth in his heart. Relief too. "Okay, Jungkook-ah, thank you for trusting hyung enough to send us that, we'll bring you egg tarts tomorrow." He says, smiling. "You sound tired, sleep well for hyung okay?"
"Thank you hyung." Jungkook says, Hoseok thinks he sounds a little okay now. "I will try to sleep well."
"Good night Jungkook-ah."
"Good night hyung."
🥀