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It had been a week since Ed had last seen or spoken to James and Ed was getting slightly worried now. It wasn't often that James would ignore Ed, or just completely bypass any kind of communication for this long a time.
They were due to record their latest episode of Off Menu tomorrow, and James was yet to answer Ed’s text confirming the time they were recording and it was getting later and later. He usually would have responded by now. This was nothing like James.
Multiple thoughts were running through Ed’s mind at what James could possibly be doing to ignore him like this.
Maybe his phone had died? But that wouldn't make sense, the text went straight through. Ed thinks some more, pacing aimlessly through the vast quiet of his living room.
Maybe he was just taking a shower or maybe he’d fallen asleep? No, it was only 9pm, James never took showers at night, and he was never caught sleeping earlier than 2am. So, what could it be?
James never ignores Ed. Never. Not even in the most compromising of moments, that just wasn’t James.
Ed never liked to think the worst. He was always one for going through the more logical possibilities. But right now, he was worried for his best friend.
Not only was James a quick responder, but he knew that James would never ignore anything to do with his job, because James was a total workaholic, and none of this made any sense to Ed.
Ed’s pacing only intensified the longer he was left to ruminate on his best friend’s lack of communication, struggling to work out, to pinpoint any reason why James isn't responding.
With one harsh exhale, Ed marches over to where his phone was situated upon his coffee table, picking up the device with haste, making quick work of typing in his passcode, he pulls up James’ contact and without letting a single moment pass, he taps the call icon.
It keeps ringing, and ringing, and ringing , until…nope. Voicemail. Of course. Instead of ending the call here as he would usually do when sent to voicemail, Ed thinks for a second as he lets the recorded message play through.
Fuck it. Ed knew better than to just leave it at that.
He waits impatiently for the beep and begins to speak.
“James, I'm coming over. I’ll be there in fifteen.” he states, no room for argument—although, it was a voicemail—Ed ends the call then and pockets his phone, practically jogging over to the front door to pull on his shoes and jacket, grabbing his keys from their hook beside the door before he leaves the flat.
He begrudgingly takes the stairs, figuring it’d be quicker than waiting for the lift, and in less than a minute, he was out of the building and in his car, keys in the ignition, car started up and on his way to James’ flat, in a manner just slightly less than legal.
Ed pulls up outside of James’ flat, parking an exiting his car in quick succession, sauntering up to the front door of the apartment building and pressing the buzzer to be let in. To his luck, he gets an answer.
“Please, just go away, Ed” James says stubbornly through the intercom. Ed rolled his eyes. Now that was just like James. But no way in hell was Ed about to leave that easily.
“James, I will not leave until you let me in and tell me what is going on, I'm worried about you.” Ed states, glancing into the camera to his left where it sits above the intercom, which of course he knew that James would be looking at.
“ Ed, please, i can't do this right now.” he whines and Ed can hear the barely-there quiver in James’ voice, stilted alongside a breath of stubborn desperation.
“James. Either you let me in, and we can talk about this now, or I'll just stay out here all night until you do so.” Ed counters, knowing that James was fully aware that Ed would not let up on that promise.
It’s not long before the soft sigh of defeat sounds through the intercom speaker and Ed smiles in succession as he hears the buzz of the front door of the building opening.
Grinning triumphantly, Ed pulls open the door, walking straight through, jogging up the long and winding staircase up to James’ floor, leaving a rhythmic knock upon the worn wooden door to announce his arrival.
James opens the door slowly from the other side and peeks his head out sheepishly.
“May I come in?” Ed asks with a sweet smile, dampening his previous expression of triumph. James begrudgingly opens the door without a word, allowing Ed to walk into James’ flat. Only then does Ed see the state that James was truly in.
The living room and kitchen were a mess—looking as through they hadn't been cleaned up in days—and James himself looked a wreck; hair tousled and evidently knotted from lack of upkeep.
There were evident dark circles beneath his glossy eyes and he was wearing what Ed would call James’ comfort hoodie; a slightly oversized maroon-coloured hoodie that fell down to his mid-thigh. It was something James only wore when he was upset, or had gone through some sort of breakup.
Only then does Ed realise the true depth of the situation here.
Ed watches as James ducks his head at Ed’s prolonged stare, actively squirming where he's stood by the now closed front door, his fingers anxiously playing with the drawstrings of his hoodie, so clearly ashamed .
Ed's heart broke at the sight of James so obviously hurting—for what reason he still has yet to discover—but for now, Ed's main priority was to provide comfort for his best friend. And that was exactly what he was going to do.
"Oh, James." Ed begins, a sad tone emitting through his soft and careful voice, just barely catching the gentle jostles of James' shoulders, and then he hears it. The most heartbreaking sob Ed had ever heard from James.
"Oh, come 'ere," Ed prompts, arms outstretched as he takes a small step towards James, the other’s head snapping up suddenly to look at Ed, eyes glossed over with tears, the pinkened skin of his cheeks glistening with streaks from previously shed tears.
When Ed reverts his gaze back up to the boy’s tear-brimmed eyes, he takes note of how they seem to be scanning Ed's face for something. Knowing James, he was most likely looking for some kind of sign that his kindness was simply a joke, or that Ed was just taunting him.
Ed kept his expression open and honest, hoping that he was able to convey his earnest will to comfort. Once James’ shoulders drop, a soft puff of air escaping through his chapped lips, Ed figured he must have done a good enough job.
With some visible reluctance still, James drops the drawstrings from his fingers, walking over to Ed slowly and cautiously, teeth nervously nibbling at the chapped skin of his bottom lip. He takes one look into Ed's eyes before he just completely breaks down, body crashing into Ed's, his hands clutching at the rough fabric of Ed’s jacket and his face tucked shamefully into the crook of Ed's neck.
Ed simply lets James cry into his shoulder, not even caring that his jacket was getting wet with James' tears. He just gently rubs James' back soothingly with one hand as the other one travels up to the back of James' neck, threading his fingers through the short, golden locks of hair.
Every once in a while, Ed would hear James' soft but powerful sobs muffled by his own shoulder, responding in kind with gentle shushing and whispers of affirmation as he smooths his fingers through James' rather soft, but slightly knotted hair, absentmindedly working the knots out with his fingers.
After a while of standing there, holding James securely within his arms, James had gradually begun to calm down, his body less tense, and his grip on Ed's jacket had loosened, cries halted. The occasional shaky breaths and small sniffles were all that were heard from James as he nestled into Ed's comforting touch.
Ed still didn't once try to pull away in this time, letting James have this moment of comfort and quietly revelling in the contact. It was rare that James would do something as much as shake someone's hand, let alone hug someone for this long a time.
James had always hated contact with anyone but his family, and sometimes Ed, although only typically when in vulnerable situations like this one, which was why the thought of letting go was not in the forefront of Ed’s mind right now.
"T-thank you, Ed." Ed just about hears James mutter into his shoulder, but Ed smiles nonetheless at the sincerity of James’ words and he chuckles warmly, giving James a gentle squeeze in reply.
At that, James slowly detaches himself from Ed’s hold, though not fully. Enough where he was a couple inches away but still not loose from the contact that James was still yearning for, though would never admit that he liked the warmth that Ed provided.
“I'm sorry I made you worry, i-i just got very anxious and stressed out recently and it was all just-” James pauses, visibly struggling to say how he feels, expression as lost as ever, but Ed knew exactly what he was trying to say. He always does.
“Overwhelming?” James’ glistening eyes meet Ed’s once again and he nods before lowering his gaze to cast his attention to his feet. It took no genius to figure out that James was ashamed, his body language spoke for him a lot of the time.
“James, it’s okay to feel like this sometimes. I don't want you apologising for something that you can't control. Okay?” Ed smiles empathetically, his hands drifting to James’ hips, giving them a gentle squeeze of assurance. James never looked as small as he did currently, body slouched, and closed off.
Ed couldn't have that.
“I never meant to feel this way, Ed. I never wanted this.” James says sorrowfully, hands letting go of Ed fully now, arms falling weakly at his sides.
“Hey, hey, James, it’s okay.” Ed consoles, his hand, almost reluctantly, placed softly against James’ cheek, feeling as James presses into the palm of his hand, though his head was still dipped, unable to look Ed in the eyes.
“Look at me.” Ed commands softly, and James sniffles once more before he lifts his head, puffy eyes finally meeting Ed’s. Ed gently uses the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears that still lay upon James’ cheeks.
“James, I hate to see you like this, and I want to help you.” Ed pauses for a moment as he allows a moment for James to think about what he’s trying to say.
A minute passes before James nods softly, thankfully still making no efforts to move away from the palm cradling his heated cheek.
“Okay.” James finally speaks in a quiet, though marginally unsure tone, as if he knows that he needs the help, but he’s not certain he wants to.
“Would you let me help you?” Ed reiterates, hand drifting from James’ cheek back into the golden locks at the base of James’ neck, allowing James that chance to think this through. He didn’t want to push him, or make James do something he doesn’t actually want, no matter how much Ed wanted to help the boy.
James closes his eyes for a moment, nestling into the touch, and it's another quiet few moments before he opens them again.
James finally nods, seemingly more sure of himself now. He trusted Ed with his life at this point.
“Yes, Ed.” Ed smiles proudly at the verbal confirmation, encouraging a small shy smile from James also.
“Alright, then.” Ed starts with a warm sigh before he ruffles James' hair slightly, leading James to retaliate with a groan of faux anger, though the grin on his face is wider now.
“First thing. I would like for you to run yourself a nice warm bath and get ready for bed while I clean up a bit here. A clean home is a happy home, my friend.” Ed states, nodding his head in the direction of the bathroom. James’ eyebrows scrunch up a bit at that.
“Ed, you don't have to-” James barely even attempts to get the argument out before he’s cut off by Ed.
“Nope. I want you to go and treat yourself with that well-deserved bath. I’m doing this to help you, James, not to burden you. Alright?” James reluctantly nods. “Good. Now, go. I’ll be here when you’re done.”
And at that, James mutters his assent before he shuffles out of the living room and down the hall.
Ed takes his time, looking around at his surroundings to take in the mess. To his luck, it wasn't actually as bad as he had thought at first glance.
On the coffee table, there was a small cluster of dirty cups and plates, on the arm of the couch, a small pile of unfolded clothes—they seemed to have been washed recently, but he figured James had never gotten round to sorting them out.
After a brief analysis for the damage, Ed began to clean up; starting first with the living room, then once finished in there, migrating to the kitchen, where he made the extra effort to wash up all of James’ dishes. He could tell they’d been building up for a little while.
No way was Ed disgusted at all by what he was encountering during this time. He understood James, all his mannerisms, his habits, his faults, and it was clear that James was not in a good place at the moment. Ed would never judge James in any way, no matter how bad his current habits were.
Tidying now successfully accomplished, the place looked much better than how Ed had first seen it.
As he finishes drying up, putting away the last cup, Ed glances at the time on the cooker clock. It was already past 10pm. From what he’d seen, it didn't seem that James had eaten very recently. He’d need to get on that once James gets back.
As Ed folds and places down the tea-towel that he was just previously using, he hears a small “Hey.” from behind him and turns around to see James, standing awkwardly at the kitchen counter, a damp towel in his hand, and Ed takes a moment to appreciate how James looked right now.
His hair was wet and slightly messy from the brief towel dry he’d obviously done, he was wearing a grey t-shirt which sat loosely on his slim frame and a pair of checkered pj bottoms.
Ed couldn't help but admit that his best friend looked quite frankly adorable like this.
James looked like a cute little puppy—though he had always given off such golden retriever energy, it was just now matched with the look.
He is brought back to reality upon hearing the telltale sound of a throat being cleared, and he focuses his gaze on the man across from him who still continues to stand there, looking almost lost, seemingly waiting for instruction.
Then it clicks in Ed’s mind. He’d told James to come back here once he was done, and James was just following his lead, doing as told.
“Right, sorry. Now that you’ve gotten all freshened up, and i've cleaned up everything in here, would you like something to eat? It's getting pretty late, and from what I've seen, I don't think you’ve been eating all too much lately.” Ed says and he watches as a reluctant glint crosses James' eyes.
“It doesn't have to be a whole big meal. It can just be something small, if you’d like. But I would still like for you to eat something, James.” Ed reassures, and James fiddles with his fingers, thanking.
“O-okay, I suppose something small would be okay.” James mutters, taking a quick glance at Ed before looking away once again, gazing around at his flat for a moment.
“Something small it is. Anything in particular you want?” Ed asks, now leaning against the counter behind himself, eyes locked onto James as said man sits, looking slightly less on the brink of a panic attack now and slightly more comfortable, which Ed was glad to see. It was progress.
“Um, just some toast, please.” James settles and Ed displays his acknowledgment to the request with a nod, moving swiftly and efficiently to grab the bread and butter from their respective places, placing two pieces of bread into the toaster, just to the left of the oven.
Ed performs the actions of getting out a plate, and a knife while waiting for the bread to cook to James’ preferred level of golden brown—something Ed had learned to perfect in the many years of knowing James—however, as he looks over at James he takes quick notice of James’ slightly furrowed eyebrows as he follows Ed’s actions.
“What’s up?” Ed asks, and James’ eyes snap up to meet Ed’s.
“Oh, sorry. I was just, uh, wondering if you were going to have anything?” James asks, twiddling his thumbs, managing to maintain eye contact for only a second longer than usual before looking back down at his hands again. Ed could tell that that was something they’d have to work on in the future.
“Stop with the apologies, you did nothing wrong, James. But to answer your question, I already ate not long before I left. This is about you , and what you need, alright?” Ed answers, turning back around to take the toast out of the toaster, which had popped up at some point during their encounter.
They sit—and stand—in comfortable silence as Ed butters the toast before he passes said toast to James, setting the plate down in front of him.
James smiles gently in thanks before he starts to eat, and as he takes his first bite, and his second, he thinks. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, Ed looking after him, and James had to admit, he liked Ed’s company.
Yeah sure, they see each other every week to record together for their podcast, but it was rare they’d actually spend time together like this, although it was literally just James eating some toast while Ed stood across from him, just, well watching, he supposed. But strangely, it didn't feel weird to him, none of this did.
Once James had finished his toast and drank the water Ed had given him during, Ed took the plate away wordlessly, placing it in the sink before turning back to James.
“What would you like to do now?” Ed asks, palms resting on the counter behind him as he gazes at the man across from him, watching idly as James eyebrows join together in thought, eyes drifting off slightly, until suddenly, they light up.
“We could watch a film?” James proposes with a childlike grin and Ed nods, fighting off the chuckle that arose in his chest at the sudden enthusiasm that James was displaying, instead opting for a small smile of his own.
“Of course. How about you go put one on, any film of your choice, and I'll be there in a minute.” Ed says and James nods, elevating from the stool he was just sat on and commuting to the living room, where he made quick work of putting netflix on the TV.
Ed just smiled to himself before he shrugs off his jacket, laying it on the kitchen counter for the time being as he shucks off his shoes, placing them neatly beside James’ next to the front door.
He walks over to sit beside James, who was sat cross legged on the sofa, tv remote in hand as he scrolls through the vast amounts of films on Netflix, finally settling on a random one they both hadn’t seen before.
As Ed sits down beside him, leaving some space between them, James frowns slightly, quickly realising just how much colder he actually felt when not in Ed’s arms, and he wondered how he had gone without it for so long before now.
James was no longer paying attention to the film as it finally began playing, lost within his own mind. He wanted to just climb over the cold barrier between them and cuddle right up against Ed’s side. But what if Ed didn’t want that? He’d sat this far away from him after all.
It didn’t take long for Ed to feel the change in atmosphere and he looked over to James, clocking the spaced out expression on the boy’s face, eyes unfocused, lost in thought.
“You alright, James?” Ed asks, somewhat carefully so he wouldn't startle James as he spoke, eyes trained on James’ movements. James nervously fidgets in his seat and looks up at Ed, seeming as though he was trying to hype himself up to say something but was struggling to do so.
“I-um. Could you, fuck .” James swears underneath his breath, then takes a deep breath before he speaks again. “I-i want you to hug me like we did earlier, okay?” James eventually blurts out at full tilt, and Ed almost couldn't catch what he’d said, almost.
“Aw, James, come here.” Ed directs fondly, a wide grin etched onto his face as he opens his arms for James, who quickly shuffles over with a bright smile, practically sitting on Ed’s lap as he nuzzles his head into Ed’s chest, an arm resting across Ed’s stomach, fingers immediately fiddling with the hem of Ed’s t-shirt.
Ed simply chuckles at the boy’s antics, heart warming at the eagerness of James’ embrace, letting one arm wrap around James’ tummy in an almost protective manner, the other, laying across James’ shoulders, hand absentmindedly playing with James’ hair, of which was still slightly damp from the bath but he certainly didn't mind, and neither did James who was nestling sweetly into the touch, sighing contently.
“Better?” Ed asks, feeling James nod from beneath his hand.
“Much better. Thank you Ed, I love you.” James says, and Ed feels James’ body tense as he suddenly realises what he’d just said. “Ed i-” Ed cuts James off with a soft ‘shh’ and James’ heartbeat quickens. Shit. Why did he say that?
James holds his breath, and closes his eyes, bracing himself, his body still as tense as ever. Surely Ed was about to tell him off. Say he was silly for saying such a thing.
Sometime during his internal panic, he feels Ed gently manoeuvring him so that he is facing him, James’ legs now straddling Ed’s thighs, and James blinks open his eyes. What?-
James’ eyes meet Ed’s, and for a moment he’s confused, but then he sees that soft look in Ed’s face, and with his hands resting on his thighs, he watches tentatively as Ed’s eyes flicker down to his own lips and the sight makes James’ tummy flip. Oh.
“James, i-” Ed starts, his right hand now gently cupping James’ cheek, just like how he did it earlier that same day. Ed’s eyes meet James’ once again. “Can I kiss you?” Ed asks, James’ heart swells.
He nods softly, and absentmindedly, his tongue darts out to wet his lips as his own eyes flicker down to Ed’s, and before Ed could even think, the distance between them closes as their lips meet, their eyes fluttering shut, their lips moving softly and slowly.
James hums into the kiss: content, his arms moving to hook around the back of Ed’s neck while Ed removes his hand from James’ face, wrapping both of his arms around James’ waist, pulling him close as the kiss continues.
Soon after, they pull away. Ed’s eyes open, immediately met with James’ beautifully flushed face, a shy smile edging his lips upwards as he meets Ed’s eyes.
“I love you too, James.” Ed admits, smiling fondly at the other man, loving the way his face crimsons rapidly at the words.
Ed chuckles warmly and James shies away, hiding his face in the crook of Ed’s neck, embarrassed by how flustered he was getting. But nonetheless, they loved each other, and that was all James needed.
That was all that either of them needed.
And as they sit there, bodies moulded against one another, the film they’d put on still neglected in the background, Ed thinks they’d worry about the podcast tomorrow.
For now, all that mattered was this moment, and Ed was not about to let go of it.