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The first time it happens it takes her completely by surprise.
It's another day they've ended up in the bay window, Riley and Maya sat with a few feet apart between them.
Riley is playing with the hem of her purple sparkly skirt while Maya waits for her to say something.
There's nothing between them except the thick tension of an unresolved issue.
Riley looks up first, with the expression of someone who won't stop fighting a battle she knows she will lose.
"Do you still like him?" She asks, and Maya has to swallow a dry laugh at the question.
Not really, she thinks, I'm confused. But she knows that isn't an acceptable answer.
So she looks at her and swallows loudly.
"Yeah," she answers, simply and uncomplicatedly, although it's anything but that. "Do you?"
Riley nods with sad eyes. The noise of Lucas, who always magically interrupts them when they're talking about it, approaching the bay window, sounds loudly in the background.
"Yeah," she confirms.
"Cool." Maya says, and Riley echoes it immediately.
"Cool."
Lucas finally settles in between the two of them, smile bright as the sun, and looks between them. "Hey. Watcha talking about?"
"Hi," says Riley.
Maya forces herself to be part of their little game. "Hey."
The light in Lucas' eyes dims a bit, his posture slouching. "Any changes?"
Riley smiles ironically. Her eyes are watery and all Maya wants to do is give her a hug or let her and Lucas be, but she knows she can't.
They read it off her last time, that she also had feelings for one of them, and it broke them apart. If only they had read her feelings right.
"Let's see," Riley says, voice wavering. "Peaches, do you still like him?"
And Maya wants to scream at her. She wants to shake her and scream that no, that she like to makes fun of him and that he's nice, but he's not the person in that room she wants to be with.
In the silence that follows Lucas straightens a bit and squints his eyes towards Maya.
"Yeah, I do." Maya confesses, and, boy, if a sentence has ever tasted more like a lie.
Lucas' eyes glint with something and he makes as if to speak, but Maya's faster and doesn't let him say anything that'll hurt any of them. "What about you, Riles? Do you still like him?"
"Yeah," she whispers. No hesitation, no thought to it. Maya's heart breaks
It's uncomfortable being there afterwards. Riley checks her cuticles, Lucas stares at Maya and Maya... Maya wishes she could just leave. But that would make her like her father and she won't ever sink that low.
When Lucas speaks up, both girls look up at him like he's going to tell them the most crucial piece of information they could ever find. Like he had a solution to their problem and it will only work if their attention on him doesn't waiver.
"Maya," he asks, and Riley makes a choked sound, because Lucas has been staring at Maya and is now talking to her so that means he's probably not interested in Riley anymore.
"Huckleberry?" She teases, although saying it like this feels so unmistakably wrong.
"Do you still like-?" And Maya is sure, she's absolutely sure he's going to question her about her feelings for him, because she didn't answer immediately before. "-Her?"
And when he says that last word, everything stops.
Maya holds her breath instinctively, looking at her hands, because she can't look at them. She can't see the judgement in his face or the bitter rejection in Riley's.
She had known whatever happened in the triangle would hurt her, leave her without someone, but she never thought she'd lose them both at the same time.
Riley chuckles nervously. "You meant me, right? You wanted to say me, to referr to yourself, right? Because this doesn't really-"
Maya still isn't breathing. Her heart's pounding in her chest in she doesn't know what to do, because it's one thing to admit it to herself, that she may not be completely straight, and something completely different to hear it out loud from someone else. Too many steps, too fast.
She just isn't ready.
There're hands cradling her face now and she sucks in a breath, coming to life, aware of her need to breathe. She does something wrong, though because now she's hyperventilating and all she can think off is wrong, wrong, too big hands, too big, too big, bad, wrong, wrong.
Her hyperfixation on the hands on her face lasts as long as whatever this is does. Lucas's breathing loudly and telling her to breathe and follow him, that she's fine.
She tries.
When she finally reigns herself in, she shakily smiles and lifts her head to look at the other occupants of the room. "I'm fine," she tries to say, but the words die before they get past her lips when she sees the expression in Riley's face.
Lost, unable to guess what she should do next, she stills for a moment. Maybe she should just deny it. It's still believable, right? That she doesn't like Riley, that she just reacted because it was weird or something?
The door opens then, Mr. And Mrs. Matthews on the other side, ignorant to what just happened, and Maya knows that's her cue.
She stands up as swiftly as she can and crawls through the window. The lack of someone trying to stop her only reaffirms her decision.
It was a mistake. She hadn't been subtle enough and driven everyone away. Again.
Tears leak from her eyes, but she pays them no mind. She doesn't even know where to go anymore.
The bay window, Riley, they were her safe place. They don't feel as safe anymore.
~
It's a relief, when, days after, the whole ordeal is forgotten. They move on to the next shenanigans, like Riley's issues with Spanish and Jexica.
And then break-up Monday comes and it's just awful. When Lucas and Zay start talking about making decisions about their relationship, Maya regrets ever deciding to leave her bed.
She had been so sure they wouldn't talk about it anymore. At least not for a while. She was counting on that while to figure herself out. She has nothing to say now; she isn't ready yet.
When Farkle talks about honesty, she can't really move.
For a moment she wishes Farkle helped her as much as he does Riley, that he focused enough to figure out that something's wrong, but he doesn't. Maybe he doesn't care, maybe he's not as kind with people who are different in this way. Maybe he knows and is just allowing her to grow.
Riley has to tug her arm a few times before she can focus on anything outside her own head again. Right, she thinks, moving on. As always.
Art class comes right after, and it isn't until the teacher points it out that she notices that her painting is all Riley, and her feelings for Riley, and everything about them that can't be fixed.
But Riley's right there, so she can't say anything and she sputters wrong answers left and right during the rest of the class because she doesn't know what that says about her. Riley's chatter builds up and up behind her. It takes all the focus and, just for once, she wishes she could be alone. She wishes to think clearly and be able to talk to someone without Riley there to confuse her further.
After class, Maya dreads the entire way they make to Riley's bay window. Riley pushes, and pushes her to talk. But she just isn't ready. They talk about Lucas, because it's the only way to deviate Riley from Maya's feelings. Of course.
It makes her feel completely lost and Riley notices. Why can't I choose you, silly? She thinks. Why can't it be just you and I? But she shuts up. There's no way Riley would accept it.
~
Later in the afternoon they involve their parents.
Maya has a question in the tip of her tongue she desperately needs to spit out, but Riley's there and she doesn't want to let her know yet. She can't. She can't enquire about the adults' feelings on other kinds of relationships when Riley's right next to her, knowing what she knows, and probably figuring out what's going on in the process. She doesn't want Riley to leave her aside.
So she pretends she doesn't know anything. Everyone tells her she's not herself, and it sucks, but she's finally figured out something about her she didn't know and it's thrown off the ground she stands on.
"I like girls," her brain screams. "I like Riley." But she knows she won't be able to say it while anyone else is able to hear her, judge her and force consequences on her.
She doesn't know how to be herself without disclosing that and she can't say it, because that'd break her. She can't have anyone else leave her. So she doesn't say anything, and doubts herself and her feelings relentlessly.
It's exhausting.
~
Back in the bay window, she asks this question. "What's wrong with us both liking a nice guy?"
Riley looks straight into her eyes. "Do we?"
And Maya thinks, she knows. She knows and she doesn't want me. She doesn't accept me.
She spews something about being herself out and leaves. Because Riley doesn't want her to be anything but what she's ever known her to be. It just stings too much.
~
At the next art class, the teacher spells it out for them. About how she's screaming about Riley. And Riley seems so nervous. She just knows. She has to know.
When they get to Riley's home, everyone thinks she's being Riley. So she doesn't know, she thinks. And her lungs scream fir her to correct them, to correct her, to tell them that she isn't her, that she wants to be with her. But they live in a heteronormative world and that's unfathomable. So she gets confused about it, thinks that maybe, maybe they're right, and follows their lead.
~
The next time Lucas finds her, she's sitting alone in a bench, just outside the park.
"Hey," he says.
"Huckleberry," she acknowledges him.
He takes a seat besides her and looks at her, really looks at her
"Why aren't you in the bay window?"
"Why aren't you with Riley?" She snaps back. "We all know you made your choice."
He frowns.
"They say I'm not me anymore." She continues, voice betraying her, broadcasting her vulnerability. "They say I'm Riley."
"But ou're not," he answers quickly, "you're really not. You're Maya."
She smiles, though it fades quickly.
"I didn't choose Riley." He announces.
Her eyes widen in surprise, but her voice still breaks when she asks. "You didn't?"
"Nope."
"So you chose me?"
"Nope." He repeats.
She frowns.
"Aren't you going to ask me why?" He questions when she doesn't say anything else.
"It doesn't matter," she mutters.
Unsatisfied with her answer, he takes her face between his hands and gets really close to her.
"It does."
She tsks. "You did it wrong."
Lucas lifts his brow and Maya sighs.
She takes his face between her hands instead, takes a deep breath and lets it out stronglym "Ha-hurrrr."
Lucas waits for her to finish, then smiles. "That's why."
"Huh?"
"Maya," he says, not allowing her to look away. "You like Riley, right?"
She tries to look away, but he hold her tighter.
"I-"
Lucas lets his arms fall and puts them around her body, taking her in an embrace. She doesn't say anything, although she starts to cry silently.
"It's okay," he says. "I accept you. You can like whoever you want. You're still Maya."
She burrows her face in his neck, taking comfort from him that way. It isn't until it starts raining that they actually move away.
"Maya," he questions then, when they finally separate. "Do you also still like me?"
Maya grimaces and steps back.
"I'm sorry." She apologizes.
"Did you ever really like me, um, that way?"
"I'm sorry," she repeats, shaking her head.
"It's okay," he says. "It's not like any of us get too choose who we like."
"Do you- do you still like Riley?" Maya asks back.
He nods. "I do."
They starts walking towards Maya's house and it isn't until they're a block away that anyone says anything again.
"Huckleberry?" She asks.
"Hmm?"
"Are we still in a triangle?"
He shakes his head, sorrow taking over his expression. "Maya, I'm sorry- Riley-"
She just nods. "It's okay."
"Maya," he insists. "You're still my friend. You'll always be my friend."
Maya nods and smiles. "Thank you." Then, she adds. "That's why."
"What?" He asks, truly lost in the conversation.
"The bay window isn't my safe place anymore."
"So where-?" He asks, catching up to what she means.
"I don't know. I guess I'll have to find out."
She starts to walks away but he catches up to her before she can really put any distance between them.
"Maya,"
"What?"
"You know Riley would accept you right? Even if she doesn't li-"
Maya looks at him doubtingly, then resumes her walk home. It's okay. It doesn't matter anyways, it's not like she has to know now.