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“Maki-chan! Holy shit!”
From the door of the clubroom, Mari Ohara stormed in, her raw lesbian energy tearing it off it’s hinges. With a loud CLAP!, it fell to the floor as she slammed her hands to the table, accentuating her raw business power.
Maki could only stare, surprised, unsure, and most-importantly, Horny.
“Mari, I can’t have sex. I’m canonically 15 years old, and we’re trapped in a time loop. What are you doing here.”
She spoke as if statement, not as fact – statement, key difference there. Fortunately, Oharas have no need for facts. Only fan. Fiction.
Mari somersaulted over the table, throwing it at a rando bodyguard standing by the classroom window, who proceeded to ragdoll over the broken window frame and into the courtyard below. Immediately, Kotori saw this, and Mari was deducted 500 points for a discovered body.
“You see, Maki,” she stated, Satsuki Kiryuin-ing her way across the room, before slamming a leg over the piano in an attempt to simulate power. Dominance, if you will. It failed.
“I’ve come, to make an announcement.”
“What?” Maki grew The Dreamworks Face, incredulous in her tone of voice. “That Nico Yazawa is a bitchass motherfucker? That Shadow the Hedgehog pissed on your wife? I’ve known these things for a hundred years, Mari Ohara. Your words of revelation mean nothing to me.”
“Damn right!” Spoke Natsuki Doki Doki Literature Club, her muscular Jojo-esque body radiating pure godlike aura energy spirit form as she knelt as Maki’s piano stool. “No-one could stop the emerald splash!”
“Natsuki shut the fuck up.” Decried Maki, sitting in the Essence of Buddha meditation position as she glared glowingly at All. “You don’t even have a last name. Beeth.”
And so Natsuki had a last name: Withershins.
“Eck-fucking-scuse me,” spoke Mari Ohara, reminding the author she existed, “but I still have a fucking announcement to make.”
“Yeah? What?” Natsuki Withershins did not speak. She simply thought, and All heard.
“We’re broke.”
The words of the golden Jojo reincarnation stunned and confused Maki Nishikino – interrupting her half-assed rendition of My Hero Macarena on VHS.
“What do you mean ‘broke’? You and I are exactly two people with the richest pockets in muse and Aquors.”
“YES.” Aura-ed Mari as she slammed her other foot onto the piano. “That’s the fucking problem.”
Insert Home Improvement noise of confusion.
“You, me, and Natsuki – we represent the top echelon of high fashion and money. Except Natsuki, but we’ll get there when we get there.” Her words stung a chord of melancholy under Natsuki Withershin’s hips, but she could only glare with the four arms and five eyes she held upon her skull.
“But Nijigasaki’s club of girls that are idols? They. Have. Nothing.”
From the porcelain/plastic/whatever the fuck high school floors are made of nowadays, Kanata Konoe cracked her head from underneath, sleepiness expelled for once as a carnivorous aura bled through her very being.
“oi. what do you mean we have nothing.” She demanded in perfect text-to-speech. “we got a faster game-to-anime transition than you. we have a quirky first-year, a tenth member, a tsuchinoko. we have a story that at least tries to parallel between the money-making rhythm platformer and the anime.” With each point, her voice grew deeper – calmer and quieter, yet louder and more powerful. Like a megaphone of white noise, her voice fell behind everything – and yet, it was louder than all else.
“what the fuck do you two old farts have that we don’t.”
Mari pulled off an ojou-sama laugh. I don’t know if she ever did that in the show, but there’s no reason for her to never have done one. Her laughter brought light into the illusion, crackling the figment and broken reality that Kanata Konoe, the Beast of Slumbering Fables, had forged over the last three seconds.
“M. O. N. E. Y. Cold, hard cash.”
Oh. Fuck. As reality began to reshape, healing from the Sleeping Demon’s code, Mari’s third foot slammed on the piano, shattering it into wood and string, wiring around the Great Slumberer’s form in binding and imprisonment.
“Shizuku? Actor, no money. Kasukasu? Cute girl – Nico’s architype, can’t combine. Rina? Hanayo’s architype – shy, some better writing to distinguish her character, but still broke. Ai? Bubby, smiley, friend to everyone – broke. Ayumu? Vague lesbian pining – broke. Karen? Sexy teenager – broke. And Emma? Cute foreigner – but unlike me, Broke.”
Standing before the Living Incarnation of Sleep, the beast’s face contorted in rage and disbelief, Mari Ohara could only stand and glare.
“You? You’re a sleep monster who studies to take care of her little sister. Not a hint of cash money in that background. And Setsuna?” A bubble of chaotic, orderly laughter crawled past Mari’s lips and into the realm around. “Setsuna’s rich, sure. But she can’t do FUCK with that cash – not if her parents spit on idols. In fact, ya wanna know who’s the richest mother fucker in your school?”
With a pointed finger, Mari stretched towards the back of the room. “It’s her! LANZHU ZHONG!”
“Waddup, I’m Lanzhu Zhong.” The Queen sipped from the gleaming cup of privaledge. “sign up for my onlyfans or i’ll kill you. or expel you. keep on your toes lol.”
“Her cash money is too great for you, Sleeper! BEGONE!”
With a flash of light, and a rip of chord, The Sleeping Demon was exorcised from this plane of reality. Her job done, Mari stepped out of the room. Her fat ass cheeks, accompanied by her army of bodyguards and thousand-legged gallop, cracked the wooden chest of the floors beneath, and with a shattering CRUNCH, the entire school was erased.