Archive of Our Own

Kelly is feeling antsy. That’s the only word for it. It’s not surprising, given that he hasn’t worked in nearly two months, and he’s been warned that if he overdoes it trying to get through recovery faster it’ll only slow things down. But it means that he’s been spending way too much time at home, wandering around the house looking for ways to entertain himself. He’s usually moderately successful in this quest, but often to the detriment of the loft.

Case in point: the third glass he’s broken in as many days, perfecting his latest invention, tabletop baseketball.

“Ok, that’s it, we’re going out,” Shay announces as she fetches a dustpan to sweep up the glass.

“No thanks,” he replies.

“I’m sorry, that wasn’t a suggestion,” she says as she runs the brush over the floor twice to make sure Kelly won’t end up with glass in his feet. “But if it makes you feel better, drinks are on me. Go get a shower and put on some real clothes.”

“Shay, I don’t feel like …”

“I know. You haven’t ‘felt like’ since your surgery, and it’s weirding me out, Kelly. You haven’t slept with anyone since Renee left for Spain.”

“I’m not hung up on her, you know,” Kelly says, and it’s true. He’d liked Renee a lot, but he had never really seen a future with her. His decision to go to Spain had been less about being with Renee and more about running away from the fact that he’d never work on squad again. The second he’d found an option that offered him a chance at the future he actually wanted, he’d gone back on his word.

“I didn’t think you were,” Shay replies. “But without work right now, you’re losing your Kelly Severide swagger, and that’s just wrong.”

“My swagger?” Kelly asks, a laugh in his voice.

Shay ignores him. “I can’t help you get back to 51 any faster, but I can help get you laid.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t need any help getting laid.”

“Ugh.” Shay grimaces. “See, that’s what I’m talking about? You’re already more you, just thinking about it. Now go get ready before I leave you here, pick someone up by myself, and make you listen to us having hot sex all night.”

“Ok, fine!” Kelly finally relents. “Going.”

**********

Matt doesn’t feel like being out tonight, but he’d agreed to this weeks ago, forgotten, and then run out of time to find a feasible excuse for getting out of it. He would have felt bad ditching out, anyway, since it is Maddie’s birthday and not just some random night on the town. After all, Maddie’s really one of the only people he considers a friend and is honestly as much like family as his sister Christie.

He’s also aware that he’s been even more anti-social than usual lately, and it’s not exactly healthy. Sure, he’s been working a lot; Maddie’s the only project manager he has that he trusts to actually do her job competently without pretty regular oversight, but the company’s just starting to get too big for him to do it all himself. It wouldn’t be so bad if he actually enjoyed his work, but even that’s not true. Yet that’s his life these days: working when he’s supposed to be working, working when he should be acting like a normal human being, and then exercising whenever he can to try and offset the effects of what’s mostly become a desk job.

It’s not the life he’d pictured for himself, but life hasn’t exactly been gentle in teaching him the lesson that even the best laid plans don’t always work out. He tells himself that he still has it better than a lot of people. In the past ten years, he’s managed to establish and build up a reputable and profitable construction company. He’s also managed to come to terms with the fact that, whatever his parents had wanted – insisted upon, actually – he’s not straight. Although he probably shouldn’t be so satisfied with the latter. If Hallie hadn’t broken off their engagement, he probably wouldn’t have realized just how unhappy he was with his romantic life. And since he hasn’t managed more than a few dates with the same man since he started allowing himself to see men, it’s unrealistic to say he’s really doing so much better in that regard.

Maddie is aware of all this; it’s one of the reasons she drags him out – or tries to – as often as she does, because she knows that her type of scene isn’t necessarily Matt’s idea of a good time. But at least she’d decided on a low-key birthday celebration as opposed to some trendy pop-up club or worse – if one can call the lesbian bar near her apartment “low key.” Matt’s idea of low-key is a half-empty dive bar with whatever Chicago sports team is playing that night on all the televisions. Still, it could be worse, he repeats to himself as Maddie and her friends order a round of shots and insist that he join in. He really doesn’t care for tequila, so it could also be better.

Then, two new people enter the bar.

**********

“Really, Shay?”

“What?” Shay asks, looking around at the very female-heavy crowd.

“I thought tonight was about getting me laid,” Kelly reminds her – the whole lure she’d used to actually get him out of the apartment.

“Yeah,” she says, flipping her ponytail when a particularly attractive brunette passes by. “So?”

“So, this is a lesbian bar,” Kelly replies. “The chances of me finding someone here …”

“Oh, relax. It’s only like nine thirty. Let me have a little fun first,” she requests. “Plus, they have good drink specials here on Thursdays.”

Kelly huffs, but it’s no use arguing. At least they play decent music. And if Shay tries to renege on her promise, he’ll break two more glasses tomorrow just to piss her off.

“I’ll go get drinks,” he offers.

Shay barely even notices; she’s already eying up a group of five women crowded around a high-top on the other side of the room. Kelly can guess which one she has her eye on – a black woman with a ton of natural hair. Shay’s always had a thing for women with lots of hair.

“Thanks, babe,” she replies distractedly.

Kelly approaches the bar and is just about to step forward and squeeze in so he can order when a man turns rather suddenly and nearly runs straight into Kelly. His drinks – a beer in a one hand and what could be a gin and tonic in the other – slosh a little, but he manages to keep them steady, and Kelly is impressed. He’s even more impressed by the fact that this man is gorgeous – blond hair, a lithe frame, and possibly the bluest eyes Kelly’s ever seen.

“Good save,” Kelly compliments, and blue-eyes breaks into a grin.

“Thanks. Lots of practice,” he replies, jerking his head in the direction of whoever he’s with, no doubt. “I might as well be a cocktail waitress tonight.”
“Waitress?” Kelly asks, amused.

“No room for antiquated gender roles in a place like this,” blue-eyes responds, shrugging one shoulder.

“You’ve got me there.”

Blue-eyes’ smile starts to fade, but his eyes are still twinkling. “I should probably serve these before I do end up spilling them.”

Kelly laughs a little. “Fair enough.” He gestures blue-eyes past him so he can take his spot at the bar, but then calls after him. “Make sure you demand a tip this time!”

Blue-eyes glances back. “You know what? I think I will!”

Kelly smiles, intrigued by the interaction, and watches him walk away until he realizes the bartender is trying to get his attention. He orders two whisky sodas, pays, and finds Shay, who’s commandeered her own high-top and is still watching the group of women who, Kelly is surprised to find, has been joined by blue-eyes.

“New twist,” Shay announces, not realizing that Kelly has already noticed the addition. She accepts her drink and takes a long pull.

“Yeah, I just talked to him at the bar.”

She pauses and turns her head slowly to look at him. “I’m sorry, what was that? You’ve found someone after less than five minutes here?”

“I don’t know,” Kelly shrugs. “Not even sure if he was interested.”

“Yes, you are. You’re always sure.”

Ok, yeah, he’s pretty sure that blue-eyes had found him attractive, and had also enjoyed their short but amusing interaction. And frankly, he can’t keep his eyes off the blonde, who seems serious and smart and – dare he say it – sweet, the way he seems to be interacting with the group of women.

“We’ll see what happens,” Kelly hedges. “Provided you don’t mess it up when you hit on his friend.”

“I just have to let you know that if you do go home with him, you can never complain about coming to this bar again.”

“I do not agree to that stipulation,” Kelly argues.

“Whatever,” Shay says. She takes another sip of her drink and sets the glass down on the table. "Watch this for me.”

Kelly shakes his head fondly as Shay sidles over to the group of women. She’s good at this part, the introductions and the flirting, just like Kelly, and even though he doesn’t know what’s being said, he can see that the other women are charmed by her. He watches, trying not to look at blue-eyes, though they catch eyes a couple times. Eventually, Shay gets the woman she’d had her eye on to dance with her, and then two of the other women go dance with each other. Kelly’s finished his own drink so he picks up Shay’s and drains that as well, and when he puts down the glass and looks back over to the table, blue-eyes is watching him and not looking away. Kelly gives him a half-smile, and blue-eyes looks over to the bar and nods, then looks back at Kelly. Kelly grins wider and nods as well, then stands and walks over, watching blue-eyes the whole way.

They find an open spot at one end – the bartender is down at the other.

“You didn’t come over to the table,” blue-eyes comments.

“Was I supposed to?” Kelly asks.

“Your friend did. Leslie? She seems …”

“Like a handful?” Kelly supplies.

Blue-eyes laughs. “Maybe – no more so than I group I came with.”

“I usually think that about all lesbians, but Shay tells me it’s just because I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to have sex with me.”

And then blue-eyes is laughing again, and it’s deep and genuine, his eyes crinkling up in the corners. Kelly finds everything about this man insanely attractive. And then his laughing dies down enough for him to respond, and Kelly’s lost.

“I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to have sex with you either,” he says. When Kelly only smirks, he adds, “You got a name?”

“Kelly.”

“Kelly,” blue-eyes repeats. Kelly likes the way it sounds when he says it. “Irish?”

“On my mom’s side,” Kelly says, amused. “You gonna tell me your name?”

“Matt.”

Kelly’s about to reply when a bartender approaches. “What can I get you boys?” she asks.

“I …” Blue-eyes – Matt – glances over at Kelly. “Can you give us a minute?”

The bartender shrugs and moves away to help someone else.

“So, Kelly … should I order a drink?”

“If you want one,” Kelly tells him.

“That depends on whether I’m going to be here long enough to drink it,” Matt replies.

“Where would you be going?”

“It’s not so much about where, but who I’d be going with …” Matt’s voice has gotten low.

Kelly grins. “Don’t get a drink.”

“Perfect,” Matt agrees. “I should probably tell Maddie, before …”

He breaks off and looks back over to the table. There are a few women still there, but apparently no sign of whichever one is Maddie. Kelly takes the opportunity to look for Shay on the dance floor, but she’s not there, and when he glances around trying to figure out where she’s gone, he spots her hand in hand with another woman making their way to the door. He reaches up and places a hand on Matt’s shoulder, and points him in their direction.

“That Maddie?”

Matt laughs. “Yes, yes it is.”

Kelly moves his hand down and grabs onto Matt’s, giving it a light tug. “Come on.”

Outside, the air is frigid, but it’s kind of refreshing after the heat of the bar, and Kelly pulls in a deep breath, then realizes Matt is watching him.

“So, my truck is just down the street, if …”

“I live six blocks from here,” Kelly answers. “Though I have to warn you Shay and your friend might be there …”

“Nah,” Matt answers. “Maddie’s only, like, two blocks that way, and she lives alone.”

“Great,” Kelly says, and even the chill outside can’t stop the heat that’s building inside him.

**********

Kelly is leading him into an industrial-style loft when Matt decides that it’s time to speak up.

“I should probably warn you about something,” he says, while Kelly locks up.

The dark-haired man turns and shoots him a cocky grin. “Are you going to tell me I invited a serial killer back to my apartment?”

Matt cocks his head. “What would you do if I said yes?”

Kelly rakes his eyes up and down the length of Matt’s body, then shrugs. “I think I could probably take you.”

He’s not lying, either. If Matt couldn’t tell from his broad shoulders or predatory walk, he’d be able to tell just from the look in Kelly’s eyes right now. It’s turning him on more than it rightly should.

“I have a prosthetic leg,” Matt says instead of replying.

Kelly blinks. “Is that supposed to bother me?”

Matt shakes his head. “No, but some people get a little freaked out by it if I don’t warn them first.”

“People are idiots,” Kelly says, approaching Matt.

Matt takes a step back without meaning to, then realizes that Kelly has backed him against the edge of the kitchen counter. He’s very close now, and he’s only got maybe an inch or two on Matt, which means their mouths are nearly touching.

“What do you say we stop talking now?” Kelly murmurs.

Before Matt can answer, Kelly is kissing him, gently at first, just a tease, until Matt opens up to him, and then the kiss turns deep and greedy. For a minute, Matt loses himself in the feeling. Kelly’s hands are braced on the counter on either side of him, and it isn’t enough. He brings his hands up to Kelly’s waist, pulling him closer. Kelly takes the opportunity to lean more of his weight against Matt, reaching up to cradle Matt’s head, running his fingers through the short hairs at the back of his neck, pulling Matt more firmly against him.

That’s when Kelly moves his lips away from Matt’s, mouth trailing along Matt’s jawline, sucking a line down his neck. Matt finds himself panting at the sensation, and Kelly pulls away just long enough to give Matt a half-smile, half-smirk before diving back in, finding the sweet spot just above Matt’s collarbone.

“Fuck, yes, right there,” Matt encourages.

Kelly sucks harder for a moment and Matt moans, long and low. “Love the sounds you make, gorgeous,” he says. “You want to take this back to the bedroom?”

“Hell, yes,” Matt agrees.

Even so, he’s surprised by the speed and fluidity with which Kelly straightens, pulling Matt along with him. Matt stumbles a little and then flushes, because, hell, he probably would’ve stumbled in the same situation if he had two legs – this complete fucking stranger makes him weak in the knees in a way he’s never experienced before – but he knows what it must look like to Kelly. But Kelly just grins casually – and a little wickedly, if Matt’s being perfectly honest – and grabs Matt’s hand, pulling him slowly but purposefully in the direction of his bedroom.

Inside, Kelly kicks the door shut with one foot even as he starts pushing Matt’s jacket off his shoulders. Then it’s a tangle of movement as they both desperately start undressing – themselves, each other, it doesn’t even matter at this point. Matt just wants to be naked, wants to see Kelly naked. There’s a bit of awkward laughter again and a hasty apology when Kelly tries to pull his pants down, and Matt stumbles backwards toward the bed.

“I have to get my shoes off!” he admonishes, feeling decidedly unsexy as he does it.

But Kelly takes the opportunity to finish stripping down to his own boxers, and then pulls off Matt’s boxers and his jeans all in one go, leaving Matt to fall backwards on his elbows and look up at Kelly’s almost-naked form. He’s not disappointed. Kelly’s got broad shoulders, muscled arms, his abs ripple as he bends and straightens to get Matt naked. He’s insanely gorgeous.

Kelly notices him looking and smirks. He leans in to kiss Matt again and then pulls away, hovering over his lower half and eying Matt’s prosthesis.

“So, um, do you usually leave this on, or …?”

Matt feels himself blushing at the questions. “Uh, no. I mean, off is better, if you don’t mind?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Kelly tells him. “How does it come off?”

Matt shakes his head. “I can do it myself.” He starts to push himself up from his propped elbows.

Kelly lays a hand on his chest, stopping him. He doesn’t break eye contact with Matt, and the force of his storm blue eyes alone is enough to keep Matt still.

“I want to.”

Matt instructs him, a strange feeling in his stomach as Kelly focuses his entire attention on removing the prosthetic quickly and gently. He realizes that, besides his prosthetist and a few nurses in the early days, no one has ever done this for him. Most of the people he’s slept with since losing his leg pretend to ignore the fact that he’s missing a limb, as though he doesn’t already know it isn’t there. Kelly is a mystery, the way he so carefully sets the leg aside, then removes the liner and sets that aside too. With his stump now bare, Kelly reaches a hand towards it, but stops short of touching it.

“Can I?”

Matt’s somewhat taken aback by the question, but he nods in acceptance. Kelly’s looking at the remaining limb, placing one hand over the outside of it near Matt’s hip and then the other over the rounded end. He keeps them there, motionless, for a minute, looking up at Matt’s face again. There’s a question in his eyes now, and he seems to find the answer in Matt’s expression; Matt has no idea what it is, but then Kelly starts running his hands slowly over the limb, and it’s so pure and so intimate that Matt can’t think of anything else, letting his eyes fall closed. He massages it himself every evening when he removes the prosthesis; this shouldn’t feel so different, so good.

He doesn’t even register when Kelly stops, or that he moves one of his hands away and leans forward, bracing himself on the bed so that he can kiss Matt. He doesn’t open his eyes again until Kelly pulls away, and when he does, he finds the dark-haired man just inches away, smiling down at him.

“You’re so beautiful,” he says.

I’m not, Matt thinks, but he doesn’t say it. “You’re so sexy, Kelly,” he responds instead.

Kelly smirks and then suddenly he’s standing up. Matt wants to protest, but he sees then that Kelly’s just pulling off his boxers. A moment later, he shifts Matt so he’s lying fully on the bed, and then Kelly’s on top of him, kissing him again, pausing to shift his hips so that their cocks – both already half-hard – brush against each other. That sensation alone makes Matt even harder, has him groaning into Kelly’s kisses. After a few more teasing ruts, Kelly pulls his mouth away. Matt pants to catch his breath even as Kelly keeps licking, down his neck and over his chest until he reaches Matt’s nipples. And fuck, because Matt’s always been so sensitive there.

As Kelly licks and bites, Matt reaches up a hand and palms Kelly’s cock. It’s warm and velvety and noticeably thicker than Matt’s. Kelly moans at the feeling and has to stop what he’s doing for a moment, panting heavily. The sensation of his warm breath on Matt’s cool skin sends a chill down his spine, and Kelly looks up at him with an evil smirk when he notices this.

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” he growls, then leans over to continue torturing Matt by licking basically every part of his body besides the one part Matt wants him to get to.

“Please, Kelly,” Matt begs.

“Please what?” he asks, as though he doesn’t know exactly what Matt wants right now. “This?”

He finally reaches down and touches Matt’s cock, giving it a few smooth strokes then rubbing his fingers through the precome gathered in Matt’s slit. Matt bucks up on the bed, groaning.

“Fuck, yes.”

But then the hand is gone. “I have a better idea,” Kelly says.

He rolls off of Matt towards the side of the bed, and Matt almost protests, but then Kelly reaches into the drawer of his bedside table and comes away with a box of condoms. Matt watches, wondering what exactly Kelly has in mind – they haven’t actually discussed who, if either of them, will be topping, though it seems like Kelly assumes it will be him. (It will be, assuming they go there, and Matt is perfectly ok with that, especially given, well, everything about the man.)

Kelly hastily pulls a packet from the box and tears it open with one hand and his teeth, the other reaching out to grab Matt’s cock. Then, to Matt’s surprise, he doesn’t roll the condom onto himself but instead onto Matt, and all of a sudden Kelly is scooting down the bed and practically swallowing his cock in one go. Matt swears he loses all sense of reality for a moment.

When he comes back to his senses – partially, anyway – Kelly has pulled off partway but is swirling his tongue around Casey’s cock before diving deep again and sucking. Matt thinks for a minute that he’s going to come from this alone; everything is so fucking intense right now, but then Kelly pulls off entirely and grins.

“You want me to keep going? You wanna come for me, Matt?” he asks.

Yes, Matt thinks, but he holds back. “Not yet,” he says. “Want you inside me first, Kelly.”

Kelly’s eyes seem to shine brighter at this, and his smile becomes greedy. “I was hoping you’d say that,” he confesses.

Matt doesn’t move as Kelly reaches for another condom and lube, mostly because he’s not sure he can at this point – and Kelly hasn’t even gotten a finger inside him yet. It comes quickly enough – Kelly’s movements are clearly practiced, and he gasps a little at the cold, but it warms quickly, and then there’s a second finger and Kelly is exploring him, opening him. Matt gasps when Kelly randomly brushes his prostate. Kelly smirks knowingly and rubs it more insistently; Matt whines as he grinds down, searching for more.

“You ready, Matt?” Kelly asks.

But Matt’s seen and felt Kelly’s cock. “For you? Give me a little more.”

“Whatever you need, sweetheart,” Kelly promises.

Matt almost doesn’t register the term of endearment, and then he does but weirdly finds he doesn’t even mind. It helps that Kelly starts scissoring his fingers wider and pushing deeper, preparing him, and soon enough he doesn’t even care if he’s ready or not.

“Yes,” he says. “Yes, want you inside me. Right now.”

“Ok there, bossy,” Kelly says. “Hold your horses.”

He pauses to put on a condom and slick it up before suddenly he’s hovering over Matt again. Then, with a few movements and words of encouragement, Kelly’s inside him. There’s that moment of adjustment, in which Matt can’t think of anything except the feeling of fullness.

When he’s able to see straight again, the only thing is Kelly, looking down at him with intense focus. More often, Matt’s facing down for this part – it’s just easier due to his missing leg. But Kelly had wanted this, to be able to see him, to look into his eyes and know what he was feeling. Then Kelly starts to move, and what Matt’s feeling, it’s … fuck, it’s amazing. Can’t form coherent words kind of amazing. Kelly’s not saying anything at this point either, they’re just a mess of limbs and wants and needs. Kelly leans in and kisses him and then pulls away to brace himself for an especially forceful thrust. Matt has no idea how long they go on like this before Kelly announces that he’s close, that he’s ready.

He’s beautiful when he comes, panting, naked ecstasy on his face. Matt’s still hard as a rock. Part of him knows he should reach up and stroke himself to completion, but he just lies there, reveling in the feeling of Kelly still inside him, hot and firm. And then he starts to soften, but he doesn’t pull out, and he does what Matt’s been unable to do for himself.

“So good, you’re so fucking good, Matt,” he says, continuing to thrust lightly, grasping Matt’s cock and stroking it, squeezing the base while teasing at his slit through the condom, and it only takes a minute, and looking at Kelly, into his wide and accepting eyes, and Matt’s lost.

Later, he’ll think he didn’t really understand how good sex could be until that moment.

**********

They’re lying together afterward. Kelly’s not usually much of a post-sex cuddler. Typically, he’ll collapse onto his back, let his partner decide if they want to curl into him or not. But there’s something about Matt that makes him want to latch on and not let go, so after he discards the condoms and cleans them both up, he gets back in bed and spoons up behind Matt, throwing an arm over him to pull him close. This man has been … unexpected, at every turn, and he feels good wrapped around Matt in the afterglow. Kelly’s not one to question stuff like that.

He can feel the rise and fall of Matt’s chest as he breathes deeply, and Kelly wonders if he’s fallen asleep that fast. Part of him wants to let Matt sleep, if that’s the case. But his neck is right there, smelling of spice and sweat and sex, and something else Kelly can’t identify, and he can’t help lifting his head just enough to kiss it. Then Matt’s hand covers his and their fingers twine together. Kelly shifts a little and licks at Matt’s ear.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” he whispers.

“You’re pretty damn amazing yourself,” Matt replies.

“Wish I had it in me to go another round,” Kelly says. Maybe in an hour …

“Mmm, if it makes you feel better, I don’t think I have it in me either.” Matt pauses and then makes a sound that’s halfway between a moan and a sigh. “I should probably go soon.”

“You don’t have to go,” Kelly tells him. “Stay.”

“I’ve got an early morning for work.”

“Who cares?” Kelly murmurs. Then, because they’d barely gotten to learning each other’s names before leaving the bar together, asks, “What do you do, anyway?”

“I run a construction company.”

“Ah,” Kelly says, realizing. “That’s why you drive a truck?”

“That’s why I drive a truck,” Matt agrees. “What about you? Wait, let me guess. You’re a male model?”

Kelly laughs deeply, shaking the whole bed with it. “Uh, no,” he says. And then he remembers … “I mean, there was this one time. I modeled for a calendar.”

“A calendar?” Matt asks.

“Firefighter’s calendar.”

Matt’s body seems to stiffen in Kelly’s arms. It’s almost imperceptible, and then Matt starts coughing. Kelly can feel his chest heaving with it and gets worried, but it breaks off after a minute.

“Sorry,” Matt says, voice tight. “So, you’re a firefighter?”

“Yeah,” Kelly replies. “Lieutenant on rescue squad.”

“Impressive. The ladies must go nuts for you.”

“The guys, too,” Kelly says, poking Matt in the stomach. “Usually.”

“Hey, you’ll hear no complaints from me.”

Matt wriggles a little in Kelly’s grip, and Kelly loosens up only to have Matt turn onto his back so that he can kiss Kelly some more. It goes on for long enough that Kelly’s hoping he convinced Matt to stay. It’s not even that late, they probably could take a quick nap and get to a second round. But then Matt pulls away and smiles.

“This was great. But I wasn’t lying, I really do have to be up early tomorrow.”

Kelly’s first instinct is to grab Matt again and hold him tight. But Kelly doesn’t do anything resembling desperate in the bedroom, so he just watches as Matt sits up and swings to the side. He feels disappointed – weirdly, painfully disappointed, and then he feels annoyed with himself for feeling like that, so instead he turns on his side and leans his head on his right hand, studying Matt.

He’s putting his prosthetic leg back on, his movements deft but also somehow oddly rushed, like he wishes he didn’t have to do it – or probably just like he wishes Kelly didn’t have to see it. He’s weirdly self-conscious about the whole thing, for someone who’s as good-looking and strong and otherwise as desirable as he is. He’s just as hurried putting on his jeans and shoes. As he’s pulling his sweater back over his head, Kelly finally sits up himself and reaches over the side of the bed for his own jeans, fishing out his phone. He’s got a couple texts from Shay, but he ignores them.

Instead, he holds up the phone. “Hey, you want to?” he says. Because Kelly isn’t certain of much, but he’s certain that he wants to see this man again. “So I can call you some time?”

Matt finishes pulling on his jacket and gives Kelly a look he can’t read. He seems like he’s considering it, but then he shakes his head a little. “I probably shouldn’t,” he says. “But it was really good meeting you, Kelly.”

Then he raises a hand in a small wave, smiles in a cute, awkward way, and is gone.

**********

“Matt. Hey, Matt. Matt!”

Matt groans and looks away from his computer to where Maddie’s sitting with her feet up on his desk, eating a sandwich and grinning at him innocently, as though she doesn’t know how annoying she’s being.

“Yeah, I haven’t gone deaf since five minutes ago,” he replies.

“I didn’t think you had,” she confirms. “That’s why I was trying to bug you enough that you’d quit working on that and eat lunch with me.”

“Maddie, I have a shit ton to do, I told you …”

“I know it’s hard to remember, but you’re not superhuman, you do need to eat.”

“Well, yeah, the whole bionic leg thing just confuses the issue …” Matt taunts.

“Shut up and eat before I decide to throw your sandwich at your face instead,” Maddie replies.

“You just want the chance to brag about your hook-up last night.” But Matt finally relents and pushes his chair to the side where Maddie’s put the food she got for him (unsolicited, of course).

“Well. It was pretty epic,” Maddie says nonchalantly. “She was really fucking hot.”

“You’re really hot,” Matt replies. “But it doesn’t mean I want to picture you having sex.”

“You’re just jealous that I went home with someone last night,” Maddie says.

Matt doesn’t say anything in response, but he feels his eye twitch. Surely, she must know, and if not she suspects. After all, it’s unlikely that none of the women noticed him going up to the bar to talk more to the dark-haired stranger who’d caught his attention, and even if they hadn’t seen him leaving, it would be suspicious that he hadn’t even gone over to say good-bye. He groans at that thought – he’s going to have to go out with them again, soon, to apologize for that part.

“So, are you going to see her again?” he asks, to keep the attention off of his nighttime activities.

Maddie shrugs. She’s as bad as Matt when it comes to relationships, an instinctual defense against the fact that lesbians all move too fast (according to Maddie, anyway). “I mean, maybe once, if she asks. It was definitely encore material. But if you’re asking whether I’m ready to get tied down? No.”

Matt doesn’t say anything. He takes a couple more bites of his sandwich and chews thoughtfully.

“You’re not one to judge,” she says when he just keeps eating.

Truthfully, he’s not judging her – he’s judging himself. Why hasn’t he tried to date anyone more seriously? He’s told himself that he’s fully accepted his sexuality, and he really believes that’s true. There are other things it could be, things he doesn’t really want to think about or face right now … oh. That’s why.

“No, it’s not that …” he begins.

Then, suddenly, there’s a knock at the door and it opens a moment later, his admin popping her head past the door. “Hey, Matt,” she greets. “You’ve got a visitor.”

He looks down at his half-eaten food and then back up at her. “Not a scheduled meeting?”

“No,” she replies.

“Is it a big client?” Because he doesn’t want to be chowing down, or leave a falling-apart sandwich out on his desk, if it’s going to be important.

“I don’t think so,” Bonnie replies, sounding pretty confident.

“Ok. Send them in.” He’ll wait to see who it is and what they want before deciding whether to have Maddie leave. After all, she’s basically his second-in-command.

She disappears from the doorway and another presence takes her place. The door’s still mostly shut, so Matt can’t make out who it is until the door is pushed widely open and then, standing there, is Kelly.

He grins widely when he lays eyes upon Matt, and somehow the expression is both innocently happy and evil at the same time. “Hey, Matt.”

“Maddie,” Matt says, tearing his eyes away from Kelly. “Get out.”

She’s grinning at him as well, but hers is pure evil. “But we’re having such a nice lunch.”

“Out,” he repeats.

She pretends to pout, but closes the lid on her take-out container and scoops it up before heading towards the door. Then, because she’s trying to kill Matt, she pauses by Kelly.

“Hi,” she greets.

“Hi,” Kelly replies. “You’re Maddie, right?”

“Sure am,” she replies. “I’m afraid I don’t know who you are.”

It’s a lie, a flat-out lie, Matt is sure of it.

“Kelly,” he says, reaching out a hand.

She shakes it, lingering longer than she should. If it were any other woman, Matt would think she was flirting, but he knows she has no interest in Kelly, which means she definitely knows.

“Good to meet you,” she says, finally making her exit.

Kelly only spares a glance at her as she walks out of the office, before looking intently back at Matt.

“Uh, you can shut the door,” Matt says, awkwardly.

Kelly does, which relieves him, because there’s no way he wants anyone in his office hearing this. Matt takes the opportunity to study him more closely, in the light of day and without a few drinks clouding his judgment. If he’s expecting this to lower his estimation of Kelly’s attractiveness, he’s wrong. He is exactly Matt’s type – and he didn’t even realize that he has a type until this moment, so that’s saying something.

“How are you doing?” he asks, swaggering over to the desk and sitting down in the chair that Maddie vacated. He does not, however, put his feet up.

“What are you doing here?” Matt asks instead of replying. It’s a stupid question – there’s only one reason Kelly would be here.

“I had a good time last night. Really good,” he says. “I really wanted to see you again. Want to see you again.”

“I told you last night, I …”

“I remember what you said,” Kelly says, and there’s an air of arrogance in it. It should make him seem like an asshole, but it doesn’t. “I thought I’d give it another try.”

Matt is dangerously close to giving in, and he hasn’t even put up a fight yet, so he changes the subject – sort of. “I don’t think I even told you my last name. How did you find me?”

Kelly raises an eyebrow. “What, you think I searched Chicago for every man named Matt who runs a construction company?”

“Now I kind of do,” Matt replies.

Kelly waves a hand towards the doorway. “Your friend,” he explains. “Shay got her number, and I annoyed her until she agreed to ask about you.”

Matt glares at the door as though Maddie’s still on the other side of it. Hell, for all he knows, she might have come back after it was shut so she can try to listen in on their whole conversation. “Not sure if friend is the right word.”

“Oh, come on. Am I that bad?”

“It depends on what context you’re referring to,” Matt says, and then realizes that it sounds like he’s flirting. And then he realizes that he is flirting. Fuck.

Kelly smirks in reply. “Seriously. I want to see you tonight.”

And Matt shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t, and he knows it. But … how did Maddie describe her hook-up from the night before? Worthy of an encore. And yeah, sex with Kelly was definitely worth an encore. Would it be such a mistake to see him just once more? For just one (or maybe two) more rounds?

“I guess I could pop by your place tonight,” he relents. “Say, ten?”

To his surprise, Kelly doesn’t reply right away. He’s not smiling either. “I’m sorry if it wasn’t clear,” he says. “I was suggesting dinner, some drinks.”

Matt just barely manages to stop himself from choking, but he’s able to cover it. “So you weren’t interested in repeating the amazing sex?”

Kelly’s lips twitch. “Amazing, huh?”

“Absolutely,” Matt agrees.

“Well … I wasn’t saying the night would end with dinner and drinks,” he admits. “So, you’re in?”

“I can’t. I already have dinner plans,” Matt lies. Because encore sex is one thing; a date is very different. “But I can come over after. Unless you don’t want me to?”

Kelly’s smile tells him everything he needs to know.

**********

It’s six in the morning, and Kelly’s wide awake. Given that he didn’t fall asleep until after three, he’s not happy. It wouldn’t be so bad if he’d been up that late because Matt was in his bed the whole time, or if he was waking up with Matt still beside him. But last night, once again, he’d left abruptly after sex. Granted, there’d been a couple rounds this time, and a lot more foreplay and pillow talk than their first night together, but it still … it wasn’t what Kelly had been hoping for. He just can’t figure Matt out, and he can’t get to know him to figure him out if he keeps leaving just when the talking part of dating might actually happen.

After Matt had once again hastily dressed and slipped out the door, Kelly had lain there for a couple hours, tossing and turning and glaring at the ceiling as though that was the problem, thinking about whether or not Matt was telling the truth about having to work today. It is Saturday, but then plenty of people work on Saturdays – Kelly does, once or twice a month. Did. Will again soon. But he just doesn’t know Matt well enough to know whether he was telling the truth or if he’s a really good liar. And that had got him to thinking about why he was so intrigued by Matt, which is … not Kelly at all. Kelly’s always been a laid back kind of guy, at least outside of work. When it comes to romantic entanglements, Kelly’s always just taken things as they come. When they’re good they’re good, when they’re not good, they’re not. No harm, no foul. So why is he suddenly the one overthinking things?

Knowing that staying in bed will just frustrate him more, he gets up and heads for the bathroom, thinking maybe a morning jog will revive him and help him get through the day. But somehow, between bed and heading to the kitchen to get some water, he loses the will to do anything except fall onto the couch, which is where Shay finds him a few hours later, Netflix running through a cop show he’s already seen twice. She gives him a concerned look before moving into the kitchen to get a pot of coffee going.

“You been there all night?” she asks, coming over to wait while it brews.

“No,” Kelly replies morosely. “Woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.”

“Ok, spill it.”

“What?” Kelly asks.

“Whatever’s bothering you,” she replies.

“Nothing.”

“Can you elaborate on that nothing?” she asks. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain dude named Matt that you were begging me to get the dirt on yesterday, does it?”

Kelly musters up enough energy to glare at her.

“Hey, cool it with the attitude. I got you his last name and office address,” Shay reminds him. “He turned you down, then?”

“No,” Kelly says. “Well, I mean, sort of …”

“I’m going to need a few more words to make sense of your Neanderthal grunts.”

“He came over last night,” Kelly says. “You’re welcome for doing it while you were on shift, by the way. Pretty sure we pissed off all the neighbors.”

“That doesn’t sound like he turned you down at all,” Shay comments. Then she winces, “Oh no, was the sex bad?”

“No!” Kelly says. “No, it was the best … some of the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“Why the qualifier?”

“I don’t know,” Kelly says. “He just … I asked him to grab dinner, I told him he should stay the night, but … I don’t know why I’m getting so freaked out by it, this is exactly how I usually roll.”

Shay is quiet a moment, staring at him. “Oh my God,” she says, slowly. “Oh my God. You really like this guy.”

“No,” Kelly says. “I don’t know.”

“I’ve never heard you this uncertain over anyone,” Shay comments.

“Exactly,” Kelly agrees. “I don’t do complicated. If someone wants to call, hang out some more, great. And if not, that’s cool too. But there’s something about this guy – I can’t get him out of my head, Shay.”

“I think that’s good, Kelly,” she replies. “It’s about time you had real feelings for someone.”

“Is that what this is?” he asks.

“Are you kidding me?” Shay asks, and when Kelly doesn’t reply, she rolls her eyes dramatically. “I hate to break it to you, Kelly, but yeah, this is what having feelings for someone looks like.”

“Fuck,” he says. “I’m so screwed.”

“Why don’t you just give him a call?” Shay suggests. “Maybe he’s just kinda shy or something.”

Kelly grunts. “He definitely wasn’t shy last night.”

“Gross.” Shay chucks a pillow in his direction. “Look, I’m the last person you want to be asking about the inner workings of gay men. But I think you should just call him, keep it casual. The worst that can happen is you know for sure he isn’t interested.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

Shay shakes her head. “Men. I’m so glad I’m gay.”

Kelly’s about to retort when the coffee pot beeps in the kitchen and Shay pops up from the couch, pausing to glance back at Kelly.

“Seriously. You run into burning buildings for a living. Stop being a wimp.”

Kelly huffs and picks up his phone from the coffee table.

What the hell would he do without Shay?

**********

Matt stares at his phone, feeling like he just survived a tornado. A tornado named Kelly Severide. He still isn’t quite sure what just happened. One moment, he was answering a text, trying to figure out a good excuse for not wanting to see Kelly tonight. Matt knows he’s not being very mature about the whole thing – he should just tell Kelly outright that he’s not interesting in seeing him again, like he’d basically done their first night together. Not that Kelly had listened to what he had to say, showing up at his office and making it impossible for Matt to say no.

The next moment, he’s answering a call from Kelly, and by the end of it, he’s not only agreed to another night of sex (presumably), but he’s also agreed to dinner. He’s been assured that it’ll all be super low-key, but still. Dinner. What the fuck was he thinking? Because he knows this thing is going to end, sooner or later, and prolonging it isn’t going to do anyone any good.

But the worst part?

The worst part is that he can’t stop smiling.

**********

“Don’t you ever work?”

They’re lying in bed on Sunday morning. It’s later than Kelly would normally sleep, but apparently Matt is a bad influence – or a good one, if he considers the fact that he’s typically up by seven even on his days off not because he has any real desire to be, but because he’s a shitty, restless sleeper. In any case, he’s mostly been feeling pretty good that he finally managed to get Matt to actually share a meal with him and then proceed to spend the night. But then Matt asks the question Kelly hadn’t even realized he should be dreading, because he’s adjusted to having no responsibilities besides healing and training.

“What?”

“You said you’re a firefighter,” Matt replies. “But I’ve seen you like four days in a row now. When are you on shift?”

Kelly flushes. “Ah, yeah … I’m sort of on medical leave right now.”

He’s feeling a little embarrassed about having to admit it, but Matt’s face morphs into one of concern. “Are you alright?” he asks quickly. “I’m sorry, I mean … I don’t want to intrude if it’s private. But you are alright, aren’t you?”

Matt is honestly adorable when he’s flustered, and Kelly tries to smother his grin. “I’m fine, I promise,” he says. “I just had to have surgery on my neck.”

Matt’s face relaxes, but only a little. “That doesn’t sound fine.”

“I mean … it wasn’t great at the beginning, but surgery was a couple months ago. At this point I’m just training for my physical test next week to get back on active duty.”

“So what you’re trying to say is that I haven’t damaged you with all the sex?” Matt asks.

Kelly laughs. “Exactly. If anything, it’s been good for my physical conditioning,” he promises.

“Lies, I’m sure,” Matt replies, yawning and then rolling languidly to his side and giving Kelly an oddly-angled but nonetheless welcome kiss.

“So,” Kelly says, treading as lightly as he can. “I know you work crazy hard all week, and you work on Saturdays. Please tell me you don’t work Sundays?”

“No, I don’t work Sundays,” Matt replies. His face is half-buried in a pillow again, and his voice is a little muffled. “I mean, maybe a couple times a year, in a pinch.”

Kelly can’t resist touching him again. He reaches out and runs his fingers down the length of Matt’s bare arm. “So you would, hypothetically, be free today?”

“Ah … as great as the prospect of staying in bed with you all day is,” he replies. “I have stuff I should do.”

Kelly pouts. “What kinds of stuff?”

“You know. Life stuff.”

“Like?”

Matt huffs. “Like, I should go for a run. Do some grocery shopping and cooking. That kind of thing.”

“You want any company?” Kelly asks. “I could do with a run. I was going to go for one yesterday and then I ended up on the couch.”

Matt shakes his head a little, turning onto his back so he’s no longer facing Kelly straight on. “Nah, but thanks.”

He’s trying to sound casual, but Kelly can tell just by looking that he’s not.

“Hey,” Kelly says. “What is it?”

Matt doesn’t answer. Kelly leans over and kisses his shoulder, then props himself up on an elbow so he can look down at Matt, who finally deigns to glance back over.

“Kelly, my idea of a run is going to look very different from yours,” he finally says.

“Why do you say that?”

The expression on Matt’s face turns a little incredulous. “Because you’re a firefighter and I’m running with a prosthetic leg.”

Kelly shrugs. “So what? I’m no champion runner. We could at least try it.”

“Why do you want to?” Matt asks.

“Maybe I like spending time with you?” Kelly replies, torn between laughing and frowning.

Does Matt seriously not get that Kelly could actually want something more than sex with him? Up until now, he’d sort of assumed that Matt’s reticence to get dinner or stay the night was because he just wasn’t interested in anything more than that – God knows that’s been Kelly’s position enough times in the past. But is it possible that Matt just doesn’t think Kelly really wants more?

“I mean … I guess, if you really want to …” Matt begins. “We’d have to swing by my place so I can switch to my running blade and stuff.”

Kelly grins. “Perfect,” he agrees. “But, you know, it’s kind of cold out this morning. We should probably give it some time to warm up, find something else to do for a while …”

Matt smiles back, his blue eyes shining. “Oh, really? What could we possibly do to entertain ourselves until then?”

It’s all the invitation Kelly needs.

**********

It’s Wednesday, officially past quitting time, though the entire concept is pretty much foreign to Matt these days. And it wouldn’t even occur to him to be bothered by the whole thing if it weren’t for the fact that he hasn’t heard from Kelly at all since they’d parted ways Monday morning. Which is weird, considering that it was Kelly who’d wanted more than a one-night stand, Kelly who’d wanted dinner and wanted Matt to stay the night, Kelly who’d suggested they spend all of Sunday together being weirdly domestic for two people who’d only known each other for three days. So why has he all of a sudden gone MIA? Matt takes it back – it’s not weird, it’s infuriating.

Ok, so it’s also true that Matt hasn’t tried texting or calling Kelly either. But that’s just the way this … undefinable thing they have going is. Kelly pushes, Matt reluctantly agrees and is so glad he did. Glad being a major understatement. How’s he supposed to give into things he doesn’t know he wants if Kelly has stopped asking him for them?

The office has mostly emptied out; even Maddie’s gone, and she’s typically the last person there other than Matt himself. His office door is open, but he gets up and shuts it, quickly, glaring at it as though it has somehow offended him. When he sits back down at his desk, he tries to focus again on the same spreadsheet his eyes have been glazing over for the past half hour. Still no luck, and it’s all Kelly’s fault.

It’s this tinge of frustration and annoyance that finally prompts him to pick up his phone. He ignores a text from Maddie, who’s been trying to figure out all day why he seems so pissy, with no luck, and instead pulls up Kelly’s contact information and blows right past texting and into calling. It rings four times before Kelly answers, time during which Matt first panics about what the fuck he’s doing, and then tells himself that it’s all going to fine, he’ll just keep it cool and casual.

Then Kelly’s voice cuts through everything else, all the thoughts spinning around in his head. “Hey, Matt.”

No pretending that he doesn’t know who it is – Matt doesn’t know why he still answers with a “Hello?” – the question mark always there even though the name of the caller is right on the screen.

“Hi, Kelly,” he starts.

“How’s it going?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Matt says. “I guess I’m just over here wondering why the hell you pushed so hard to get me on a real date if you had no interest in talking to me after the weekend?”

There’s a brief moment, a microsecond, during which he’s very proud of how that just came out, and then the realization of what he’s just said, no preamble, no pleasantries to begin, hits him. He’s cringing so hard, feeling the embarrassment deep in his gut, in the flame of his face, that he doesn’t even register just how long Kelly remains silent for. Until suddenly it becomes very obvious and very awkward that neither of them are saying anything. Matt actually has to check that Kelly’s still on the line and hasn’t just hung up on him.

“God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean …”

“Matt,” Kelly interrupts. He pauses to make sure Matt stops talking. “I just thought maybe you’d like some space.”

“I …” Matt begins. “What?”

And then Kelly actually laughs a little. “You didn’t seem crazy about moving too fast, or you know, at all. It was a great weekend. I hope to repeat it. I just wanted to give you time to make sure that’s what you want too.”

Matt blinks. “So, you are interested in … meeting up again?”

“I answered the phone, didn’t I?” Kelly asks.

“True.”

“After almost three days without a call from you either, I might add,” Kelly says. “And I want to do more than meet up, I want to take you on a real date, if you’re up for it. Taco trucks, no matter how good the food was, just don’t count.”

“A date, huh?” Matt asks. “When are you free?”

“I’m not working right now. I’m free all the damn time – at least until Monday hopefully. Or, Wednesday since that’ll be the next time second shift works.”

“How about tomorrow?” Matt knows that it would probably make more sense to do date night on Friday or Saturday, but he doesn’t really want to wait that long to see Kelly again.

“Great,” Kelly agrees. “Since this is supposed to be a real date, can I pick you up at your place?”

“You’re just looking for an excuse to stay the night,” Matt teases.

“I wouldn’t say no to one.”

Matt can picture the way Kelly must be smirking right now, and can’t help but smile at the thought.

“Is there anything I can do, or …?”

“Just bring that gorgeous ass of yours,” Kelly replies. “And prepare to be impressed.”

**********

After leaving Matt’s house Friday morning, Kelly heads straight for the gym. He’s only got a few days left before his physical to make sure he’s cleared for active duty, and he plans to make good use of that time – in between seeing Matt as much as possible, of course. It isn’t until he’s gone through bunch of weights followed by a long run on the treadmill (he’ll run outside with Matt whenever he asks, but this time of year it’s so cold that he prefers to stay in the gym, given the choice) that he finally heads home to find Shay moping on the couch.

“Please tell me you just worked out and that you didn’t get that sweaty from having sex all morning,” she says. It’s something she would definitely say, but Kelly can tell that her heart’s not in it.

Kelly helps himself to a bottle of water and falls onto the couch beside her. When she doesn’t even try to scramble away from his stink, he knows something’s up.

“How was shift?” he asks carefully.

She shrugs, and take a sip from a mug which he suspects may contain more than just coffee. “Ok.”

“Kinda doesn’t seem like it.”

“I’m fine,” she says. “We just lost a kid today.”

“Oh. Shit, I’m sorry, Shay,” Kelly says.

It’s not like he hasn’t spiraled a bit after losing a kid, himself. They’re supposed to get them to the hospital and forget about them, but that doesn’t help when you can’t get them to the hospital in the first place.

“She was alive when we loaded her into the ambo,” Shay continues. “But DOA by the time we got to Med. I keep thinking that if I’d just driven faster …”

“Hey, don’t do that,” Severide says. “You can’t take on the blame every time you lose someone. Anyway, how much time could you have saved? A couple minutes? Probably wouldn’t have made a difference, especially not with Dawson back there – if there’d been anything to do, she would’ve known to do it.”

“Yeah, I know,” Shay replies, but her voice sounds off, like she’s trying not to cry. She looks down at her hands, angling her face slightly away from Kelly. “I don’t know why I’m so upset about it.”

“Must be the lack of my steady, calming influence around 51.”

Shay snorts, then reaches a hand up and swipes away a couple tears that were threatening to fall, allowing herself a short sniff before looking at Kelly and forcing a smile. “You wish. It’s been so peaceful these last couple months …”

“Admit it, you’ve missed me.”

“Yeah, maybe I have a little.” It’s a testament to how off she’s been feeling that she doesn’t add a sarcastic rejoinder.

“Hey,” Kelly says. “What can I do?”

“What?”

“You know – to help?” Kelly supplies. “When I’m feeling like you are, sometimes I want to go out and forget about it, sometimes I just want to hang out with beer and a game … what do you want to do?”

“Don’t you have plans with Matt tonight?” Shay asks.

Kelly shrugs. “Nothing set in stone. He’d understand if I told him a friend needed me.”

“No, don’t do that,” she says.

“We could all hang out.”

“You’re going to make a guy you’ve been seeing for a week spend time with your sad friend? I’m sure he’d love that. Anyway, I don’t feel like going out. I think I’m just going to hang out here.”

“I didn’t say we had to go out. We could just hang out here. I swear to you he won’t mind.”

Kelly’s almost certain that’s true. Matt’s admitted to him that the lesbian bar experience wasn’t one he had often, that, in fact, he’d only allowed himself to be dragged out because it was his friend Maddie’s birthday. Plus, they’ve already bonded over a mutual love of the Blackhawks, and there’s a game tonight. If Kelly’d thought about it in advance, he might have tried to get some tickets, but since he hasn’t, well, it’s just as good – maybe even better – to watch at home with some beer as it is to go to a crowded sports bar.

“You don’t have to babysit me.”

“That’s not what this is,” Kelly replies. “We went out last night, honestly Matt’ll probably be thrilled to stay in. And I kinda want you to meet him, anyway.”

Shay raises an interested brow at that. “Oh, really?” she says. “Am I sensing … an actual relationship in your future, Kelly Severide?”

“Maybe,” he says, trying to sound casual.

“Mmm, ok, fine,” she says. “If he’s ok with it, we can all hang here – only because now I want to meet him. But you have to give me to low-down on him before tonight. Tell me everything.”

“I thought you didn’t want to know the details of my sex life?”

“Oh, come on. You’re really into this guy, it can’t just be the good sex.” She pauses. “Kelly, tell me you’re not just into him because the sex is that good.”

“No, it’s not just the sex,” Kelly assures her. “It’s …”

He breaks off, unsure what to say. He isn’t sure how to explain it to her, how even though Matt talks so little about himself and his past, what he does say is enough for Kelly to know that he’s smart and kind and unique. He really isn’t sure how to explain that even before he and Matt had done anything except have a bunch of sex, he’d already gotten this feeling about him that he can’t put his finger on, that’s thrillingly foreign to him.

“He’s great, you’ll see that tonight,” Kelly says. “But he doesn’t like to talk about himself. I don’t really know much about his past, or his family, or anything like that. I mean, I can’t entirely blame him, it’s not like I’ve been pouring my heart out about how screwed up Bennie is, but he’s, like, really closed off. I know it must have something to do with his leg, but he won’t talk about it.”

Shay listens carefully, absorbing all of this. “Wait, what about his leg?” she asks.

Kelly freezes up for a second. “Oh. Did I not mention that part before?” he replies. “Yeah, he lost his left leg. He’s got a prosthesis.”

“What?” Shay asks. “How has this not come up?”

“I don’t know,” Kelly replies. “But please don’t have this reaction in front of him. He’s really sensitive about it.”

“Well, of course he’s sensitive about it. It’s his leg.”

“No,” Kelly says. “I mean, like, really sensitive. I don’t know what it is, it’s not recent or anything. I think somebody he’s dated may have given him a hard time about it.”

“Seriously?” Shay frowns. “People are shit.”

“Anyway, yeah, he won’t even talk about how it happened,” Severide explains. “I asked if he’d been in the military and he told me he hadn’t, but he seemed so annoyed by the question that I decided not to keep pushing. All I know is it happened a long time ago, like almost ten years.”

“Yikes, he must have been really young,” Shay says.

“Yeah,” Kelly agrees. “He was. I think he’s been through a lot of shit. But he’s … I’ve never met anyone quite like him. He’s smart, and he’s funny in a really dry kind of way. And he’s just one of those really good people, you know?”

“What’s he see in you, then?” Shay teases.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Kelly replies.

Shay purses her lips at him. “Stop being self-deprecating,” she orders. “You’re a catch, too.”

“You’re always telling me not to be so cocky, I thought some self-deprecation would be refreshing.”

“Self-deprecation is supposed to be funny,” Shay replies. “You’re not being funny, you’re just being depressing. I thought you were trying to cheer me up here!”

“Sorry,” Kelly says sincerely. “I just … I’m not used to feeling like this.”

“You mean like you may actually be more into someone than they’re into you?” Shay asks.

“I don’t think that’s –” Kelly begins.

“Trust me, it is. But that’s life, babe. And anyway, as much time as you’ve been spending with him, I wouldn’t count yourself out yet.”

“Thanks, Shay.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” she replies. “Thank me after I meet him and can pick up on all the stuff you’re too thick to notice.”

Kelly lets out a long-suffering sigh. “You sure do know how to make a guy feel good about himself.”

“Anytime, Kelly. Anytime.”

**********

It’s an unseasonably warm day in Chicago, meaning that the temperature actually managed to break above freezing, and Kelly’s not thrilled to be running outside, but he is thrilled to be running next to Matt. He’d been worried that he wouldn’t be able to keep up with Kelly, and honestly Kelly had kind of thought he’d need to pace himself to whatever was comfortable for Matt, but the truth is that Matt’s probably in better running shape than Kelly is. He would almost feel a little bad about himself, but instead he chooses to be impressed by Matt.

Shay’s impressed with him, too – not the running thing, per se, although she probably would be impressed by that as well as everything else. No, she’s just impressed with Matt in general. After Kelly had called Matt on Friday and explained the situation with Shay, Matt had volunteered to pick up food on his way from work, and he’d showed up with the best pizza in town and plenty of beer, even a fresh bottle of tequila in case Shay needed it. (She really didn’t, in Kelly’s opinion, but she’s still been grateful.)

In between watching the Blackhawks game, they talked about everything – playing hockey as a kid (Matt and Kelly had, Shay had not), whether or not Matt could wear ice skates with his prosthesis (the consensus was that he could get the skate on, but it was probably best not to try standing up with it), and had even delved into more serious territory when Matt explained his work and how seriously he took it – he had a no-tolerance policy for any of his site managers who tried cutting corners on a job, which Kelly and Shay could both appreciate as they’d been on too many calls where buildings weren’t up to code.

The next day, he and Shay had gone to lunch while Matt was doing some work, and she informed him that she was fully supportive of Kelly’s new guy – in her words, the best person he’d dated in all the time she’d known him. She’d also assured him that Matt seemed just as into Kelly as Kelly was into him.

He hopes so, is all Kelly can think, looking sideways where Matt’s running nearly in step with him – his gait isn’t perfectly even because of the difference between his right foot and the blade on the left, but Kelly doesn’t think it would be noticeable at all if it weren’t for the fact that there’s a blade in place of a sneaker. Matt glances back at him and gives him a funny look.

“What?” he asks, barely winded. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Nothing,” Kelly says, unable to hold back a smile. They’ve already run a few miles down the path by the lake and are almost back to Kelly’s car.

“Are you laughing at me?” Matt asks, accusingly.

“No,” Kelly insists.

Matt doesn’t look like he entirely believes Kelly, and he picks up his pace slightly. Then he turns his head forward and nods into the distance. “Race you to that bench,” he says, taking off before Kelly has even had a chance to process what he said.

And damned if he doesn’t almost beat Kelly there. They come to a halt by the bench, Matt leaning over the back of it and looking out over the lake, his breath coming quicker after the final sprint. Kelly doesn’t bother looking at the lake, because he’s got a much better view even closer. Matt is gorgeous, sharp chin and soft cheeks, his eyes clear like the sky, his hair mussed from the wind and exertion. He’s noticed how self-conscious Matt can be sometimes when Kelly looks at him like this, but with him distracted by the lake, a lone boat floating slowly past, he’s able to look his fill for a few minutes.

But the moment passes. Matt glances over and then does a double take. “You’re doing it again,” he says.

“What?”

“Looking at me like …” He breaks off.

“I am looking at you,” Kelly says. “You amaze me, Matt Casey.”

“Stop.” Matt’s cheeks are already flushed, or Kelly knows he’d be showing his embarrassment.

“Make me,” Kelly challenges.

And so Matt does. Kelly hadn’t even realized how cold he’d gotten until Matt’s impossibly warm mouth is covering his own, and Kelly kisses him back, deeper, pulling him closer. If only they weren’t outside, if only there weren’t other runners bound to come along … they break apart after a minute, but Matt’s smiling mischievously, like he just managed to pull a prank on Kelly.

“Let’s go home.”

**********

As soon as Kelly gets the good news – that he will, indeed, be able to return to active duty as lieutenant of Squad 3 starting next shift – he calls Matt to tell him. In fact, it’s the only thing he can even think about doing. Matt is ecstatic for him and promises a celebration that evening, pausing only after he’s said it, and then backtracking so that Kelly can go celebrate with the rest of 51 if he would rather. He sounds almost forlorn when it says it, and Kelly isn’t sure he likes what that does to his stomach.

“There’s no one I would rather celebrate with than you,” Kelly tells him.

They makes plans to meet up at Matt’s around seven, Matt assuring Kelly that he already has a plan in mind. When Kelly arrives, Matt leads him back to the kitchen where he’s been starting to prep dinner. Kelly sidles up behind Matt and puts his arms around his waist.

“So, we’re staying in to celebrate?” he asks.

“Is that a problem?” Matt replies.

“Not at all. I told you to decide. It’s not that important to me anyway.”

“Well, first I’m making you dinner – rib-eye steak – and there’s plenty of beer in the fridge. And after that, I thought we could do that thing.”

“That thing?” Kelly asks.

Matt keeps chopping vegetables and doesn’t answer immediately. “That thing we were talking about this weekend,” he finally says. He cranes his head so he can see Kelly’s face. “In the bedroom?”

Kelly pauses for a moment, then his mouth spreads into a wide grin and he leans over and kisses the side of Matt’s neck. “How attached are you to doing things in that order?”

Matt sets down the knife he was using and turns himself, still in Kelly’s grasp, until he’s facing the other man. “Dinner could wait a while, I suppose.”

Kelly doesn’t bother to reply, just leans in and captures Matt’s lips in a deep kiss.

“Bedroom,” Matt orders. “Now.”

**********

Kelly’s been back at work for a few shifts and he’s missing Matt. He hadn’t realized just how much going back to work would change their schedules – he feels like he barely gets to see Matt at all now, though it’s also possible that they were just seeing each other way more than normal before. And it’s not like he doesn’t appreciate being back at 51 – he feels better, clearer, more himself now that he’s back on the job. He just wishes he could have both the work and just as much time to spend with Matt.

He’s pretty sure Matt feels the same way, given some of the texts Kelly’s gotten from him over the past week. Which is why he can’t figure out why, now that Kelly’s off-shift and Matt’s finished work for the day and they’re finally lounging together on Matt’s couch, Matt seems quiet and snippy and not at all himself, like he would have preferred that Kelly wasn’t there at all. He’d been quiet through dinner, which he’d offered to cook without prompting, and seems distant even when Kelly starts kissing his neck in all the places he knows Matt likes.

When Kelly moves onto his earlobe, nipping at it lightly, Matt lifts his shoulder, trying to push Kelly away. This only makes Kelly pull him closer, biting a little more, and this time, Matt shrugs harder, dislodging Kelly.

“Seriously, Kelly, stop it,” he snaps.

Kelly’s so taken aback by his tone – and the fact that Matt has never turned down Kelly’s sexual advances – that he keeps back, loosening his arms around Matt’s body.

“Ok,” he says. “Sorry.”

Matt stays stiff for a moment, then relaxes again into Kelly’s embrace and focuses on the TV. Kelly wonders for a second if he’s really that interested in what’s playing? But no, it’s just old reruns, and Matt doesn’t even like crime shows as much as Kelly does. Kelly waits a little while, also watching the show, but eventually shifts and leans in to kiss Matt again, this time on the lips. Matt kisses back for a minute but soon enough he’s stiffening up and pulling back again.

“I’m sorry,” Matt says, leaning away from Kelly. “Can we just …?”

He’s not looking Kelly in the eye, and Kelly’s wondering now if something’s happened that Matt’s not bringing up. Kelly had asked about his day and Matt had said everything was fine, boring – typical.

“Hey. It’s ok,” Kelly says. “You alright, though?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” Matt replies quickly.

“You sure? Nothing happened?”

“I told you nothing happened!” Matt growls.

He pulls completely away from Kelly and pops up from the couch, stalking away into the kitchen. Kelly sits and waits for a minute, then five, but Matt doesn’t reappear, so he gets up and follows him into the kitchen. Matt’s standing behind the island, leaning onto his hands and looking down at the counter. He doesn’t look up when Kelly enters, and instead of approaching him, Kelly slides onto the stool opposite from where Matt’s standing and folds his hands on the countertop.

“What’s going on, Matt?” he asks, keeping his tone light.

“Nothing.” Matt shakes his head, still not looking up.

“You know I’m not buying that,” Kelly replies. “You said nothing happened at work. Is it something to do with your leg?”

Matt does look up now, and he looks angry. “Why does everything have to be about my leg?”

Kelly holds up his hands. “Sorry!” he says. “I didn’t mean to assume, I just … it’s clearly something that still bothers you, and I can’t think of anything else that would be wrong because you won’t talk to me.”

“You want to talk?” Matt asks. “I’ve noticed that you never told me how you hurt your neck.”

Kelly freezes at the implication, because, yeah, there’s a reason he hasn’t talked about it. Matt’s got a point there. But it just further serves to make him think that there’s a reason Matt won’t talk about how he lost his leg.

“I didn’t think it mattered,” he finally says. “It happened on the job.”

“Ok, how?” Matt asks.

Kelly struggles to answer. “It was a house fire. I was on the ground floor doing a primary search for a missing victim. The fire wasn’t too bad at that point, but we were only halfway through and it flashed over. That’s when … do you really want to hear this?”

Matt is looking at him intensely. “I want to hear whatever you want to tell me.”

“So, a fire needs oxygen to burn. If a building’s all closed up when a fire starts, sometimes it burns slower because there’s only a limited amount of oxygen in the house. That was the case with this fire. Squad went in through the back, where the fire had started, but we were looking for the victim and didn’t stop to make a vent. So when one of the guys from truck …” Here, Kelly has to swallow, the grief rising in his throat unexpectedly, as though it had just happened days, and not months, ago. “When he took the aerial up to search the second floor, and he smashed in one of the windows, it created a really oxygen-rich environment, and the fire just shot in that direction. It was too much, too fast. There was an explosion, and I got blasted by it.”

“That sounds terrible,” Matt says. “Was anyone else injured?”

“No,” Kelly replies after a beat, and it’s not technically a lie. What happened to Andy couldn’t be called a mere injury.

“I’m sorry,” Matt says. “I’m glad everyone was ok. I’m glad you’re ok now.”

“Yeah. Me, too,” Kelly replies, and he somehow manages to keep the quaver out of his voice. “And I’m glad you’re ok – if not wholly intact – after …?”

Matt soft expression turns into a scowl. “Is that what this is supposed to be? Tit for tat? Kelly, I told you I don’t want to talk about it.”

Kelly sighs heavily. “Fine. You don’t want to talk, you don’t want me kissing you. What do you want right now?”

“I don’t know!” Matt yells. He looks defeated. “I’m sorry, I just … I’m just in a really bad mood.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” Kelly jokes. It’s definitely not the right move. “Look, I’m just trying to help.”

“You can’t!” Matt says.

“I can try,” Kelly says. “What would you normally do?”

“Normally, I’d hole up here alone and just let it pass until I’m fit to be around people again,” Matt replies, sounding defensive.

“So you want me to leave?”

“No, I don’t want that, either.”

“Matt. You’ve got to give me something to go on here.”

“I don’t know what I want, I don’t know how to get out of it. Maybe I should have told you not to come, but I feel like I don’t get to see you nearly as much anymore, and I didn’t want to skip tonight.”

Kelly feels his whole body soften. “I miss you, too, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you kidding me? It’s the only bad thing about getting back to work.”

Matt doesn’t reply right away. Emotions flit over his face until finally he looks at Kelly and smiles, though his eyes still look sad and tired.

“I really am sorry. I know you’ve mostly only seen charming Matt up until now, but … this is part of the package, too,” he says softly. “You don’t need to stay, you know? As much as I wanted to see you, it’s not fair to ask you to stick around when I’m acting like a jerk.”

“Hmm, I’d say more like an idiot than a jerk.”

“Seriously, though. You can go. We can try again tomorrow?”

Kelly considers this, but he really doesn’t want to leave. Matt will work all day tomorrow, and Kelly’ll need to have a relatively early night, and then they won’t see each other again until Saturday. “You know, we don’t have to do anything, we don’t even have to talk. We could just go back to the couch, cuddle up, hang out?”

“You’d be ok with that?” Matt asks.

“I’d be ok with whatever you need,” Kelly tells him. “Especially if that includes getting to wrap my arms around you.”

“I’m just amazed you’re not running for the hills right now.”

“No running,” Kelly assures him. “Not unless you’re running with me.”

**********

It has not gone unnoticed, Kelly is aware, that he hasn’t been acting quite … himself, since he got back to 51, or at least not how the others expect him to act. For one thing, he’s been keeping things very clean on the job – toeing the line when it comes to regulations, not disagreeing (or at least, disagreeing more quietly) with Boden or Herrmann when they’re on a scene, not making questionable moves during a save unless he’s absolutely certain the victim’s going to die without it. It’s not about the injury or the risky surgery, not fear that’s something like that’s going to happen again; Kelly has never believed he’s invincible on the job, hasn’t had some crushing realization, a come to Jesus moment about the dangers of his work. No – the real culprit, the reason why Boden’s watching him so carefully out of the corner of his eye, is the drugs. The addiction. He broke Boden’s trust on so many levels with that one, he can only hope that he manages to get it back some day.

But it’s not just on the job. He’s also been acting differently outside of the firehouse – namely, he hasn’t picked up anyone for the night any of the times he’s been out with people from 51. The reason is obvious to him and Shay, but not so much to the others. He’d gotten away with it during Molly’s grand opening because closing the place down came across as a gesture of support for the new bar. The second time, he was alone with squad at Buzzards, and he supposes maybe they all figured he was trying to boost morale and didn’t want to ditch out.

Now, the third time, he’s at Molly’s again, and it’s true that the women who come over to talk to him are almost supermodel-beautiful, but he can barely muster up the interest to flirt. One of them is talking in a clearly fake, sultry tone, and all he can think about is how husky Matt’s voice gets when he’s horny, and he tries so hard not to think about that when he’s around his 51 family that he lets them down very gently and very quickly – too quickly if the incredulous looks from Capp and Tony are anything to go by. Even Newhouse, who’s a respectable guy more focused on raising his daughter than anything else, is looking at him kind of funny.

In an effort to distract them from the matter at hand in hopes that they won’t ask questions, he offers to get the next round, but when he approaches the bar and sees the way Herrmann is staring at him, he realizes that it may not have been the best move.

“Hey, Herrmann, another round?”

Herrmann doesn’t react. He puts his hands on the bar top and leans over, just a little, towards Kelly. “Who are you, and what have you done with Kelly Severide?”

Kelly tries to act casual. “What are you talking about?”

Herrmann glances over to the table where the squad guys are sitting and Kelly has to resist the urge not to look as well. “Severide, in the – what, seven or eight years I’ve known you, I can count on one hand the number of times that you left alone after a night out.”

Kelly has a reputation for allowing pointed looks to replace actual words, and that’s what he does now.

“You haven’t even been to Molly’s since the grand opening, and that was almost two weeks ago,” Herrmann continues. “What gives?”

“Haven’t really thought about it,” Kelly replies. Herrmann just stares at him harder. “What?”

“Look, I’m not trying to pry here. It’s just … we’re all starting to worry you’ve lost your mojo, and that’s not good for anyone.” Herrmann looks up and down the length of the bar, which is, mercifully, mostly full.

And Severide could play it off cool like he usually does, but it’s disturbing that anyone thinks he could ever lose his mojo. Not that he would ever call it that. But whatever. And Herrmann had said we, not I – who else was thinking this? Were they all thinking it? And so even though he’s been trying to keep his relationship on the down low, he realizes that revealing it is better than the alternative.

“I haven’t …” he starts. “Jesus, Herrmann, I’m just seeing someone.”

Herrmann stops. Blinks. Straightens up from the bar. “You’re seeing someone? As in monogamously?”

Severide winces; he should have thought about the fact that Herrmann’s voice can go from normal to deafening in half a second flat when he’s surprised or upset about something. It feels like half the bar turns in their direction to stare.

“I mean, yeah, whatever,” Kelly replies.

It takes a moment before Herrmann reacts, but then he breaks into a grin. “Severide, that’s great! What’s her name?”

“Matt.” Because they all know he’s not discriminating when it comes to gender, even if he does tend to score a lot better with the ladies at their typical hangouts.

To his relief, Herrmann doesn’t look scandalized. “Ok, then. Good for you. I mean, seriously, I think this is really healthy.”

Kelly decides not to question that one. “So can I get another round, or not?”

Herrmann shakes his head but retrieves the drinks, Kelly having to shuttle them back over to the table in two trips because no one from squad comes over to help.

“So,” Capp says when he sits down. “You’re in a relationship?”

“Is that so shocking?” Kelly replies, taking a long drink of beer.

They all seem to consider this, and then Capp asks, “And it’s actually a relationship, not just having a lot of sex with the same person?”

“Capp!” Tony says, looking like he’s trying not to laugh.

“What?” Capp says. “That’s what it was with that Renee, and Severide called her his girlfriend.”

“It wasn’t just sex,” Kelly protests. “I was going to move to Spain with her.”

“Yeah, none of us actually believed that was going to happen, and, well …”

“I can’t believe this,” Kelly says. He takes a deep breath and looks seriously at each of his men. “I’m seeing someone, his name is Matt, it’s more than just sex, and I’m not going to be bringing random women home anymore. Got it?”

They’re all silent for a moment.

“Sure,” Capp finally says. “You still up for that game of darts, Severide?”

**********

Kelly’s feeling a little weird when he gets to Matt’s house the following evening, because it’s sunk in that he may have made some implications about their relationship that he hasn’t actually discussed with Matt. The thing is, he and Matt spend almost all their overlapping free time together – which, granted, isn’t as much as if they’d had matching work schedules – and it feels like they’re in a relationship. Kelly hasn’t been tempted to see anyone else, and he’s pretty sure Matt hasn’t been seeing anyone else either. So the only thing to do now is actually talk about it with Matt, who’s in a cheerful mood, stirring up some kind of pasta sauce as he and Kelly catch up after not having seen each other for a couple days.

“I’m glad you had a good time last night,” Matt says. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re having to ditch your friends to hang out with me all the time.”

“I want to ditch my friends to hang out with you all the time,” Kelly replies. “Joking aside, though, it’s not like that. We work together 72 hours a week most of the time. It’s not like they’re going to miss me if I don’t have drinks between every shift.”

“I would miss you if I were them,” Matt tells him, not looking away from the stove.

“Yeah, well, you’re different,” Kelly says. “We’re …”

When Kelly breaks off and doesn’t continue, Matt stops stirring the contents of his skillet and looks over his shoulder. “We’re what?”

“Actually, that’s something I wanted to ask about …” Kelly says.

“Yeah?”

“It’s just, last night at the bar, it came up that a lot of the guys have noticed I haven’t gone home with anyone when we’ve all gone out together. And I wasn’t exactly known for turning people down before this,” he explains.

“I do remember how we met,” Matt confirms.

Kelly smirks a little at the memory. “Yeah, well, anyway, I told them I was seeing someone, but I didn’t know if I should call you … my boyfriend or partner or whatever.”

Matt crinkles his nose a little, and Kelly wishes he were close enough to kiss it.

“To be honest, I never really liked the term boyfriend, always seemed a little juvenile to me,” he replies, turning back to the stove with a sly smile.

Kelly wants to growl is exasperation, because he’s not good at these sorts of discussions – he hasn’t had them very often, and he doesn’t think he’s ever been the one to broach the topic.

“I was asking more about the general idea, not the specific term you prefer.”

Matt stirs for another few seconds before looking at Kelly again. “Are asking me to be … what? In a relationship? Exclusive?”

“Would you be interested if I was?” Kelly asks.

“Hmm, yeah,” Matt replies. “I might be interested.”

“You’re being cagey.” Kelly huffs and stands up, walking around the counter to approach Matt from behind, putting his hands on Matt’s waist and leaning forward to kiss the back of his neck. “So, Matt Casey – can I call you my boyf … partner?”

Matt turns around to face Kelly, and his eyes are shining. Kelly realizes that he was being teased. “Yes, Kelly Severide. I think that sounds like an excellent idea.”

“Good,” Kelly says. And then, because the moment feels anticlimactic, he adds, “So, that’s it?” “What do you mean, that’s it?”

“I just mean … isn’t the talk supposed to be some long, drawn-out, overly dramatic thing?” Kelly asks.

Matt shrugs. “Do you want it to be?”

“Hell, no.”

“Well, then there’s your answer,” Matt replies, then softens a little. “I’ve probably done this about as much as you have, but in my opinion this is about the best version of the talk that exists.”

“Ok.” Kelly studies him fondly, then leans in for a kiss.

Matt kisses back for a minute, but eventually pulls away. “We’ll have plenty of time for this later.”

Kelly gives him a wounded look. “But …”

“No,” Matt says. “Dinner’s almost ready, and trust me, you don’t want me to ruin it this time. This is my masterpiece.”

“Oh, really?” Kelly asks, amused. “Fine, then, wow me with dinner, Chef Casey. But don’t expect me to clean up until after I’ve gotten to show you how … happy you make me.”

“Works for me,” Matt agrees.

**********

Matt’s in the shower at Kelly’s place. It’d be a whole lot better if Kelly were in here with him, and Kelly had certainly offered, but Matt’s got a meeting at work and Kelly’s got shift, and there’s no way either of them will make it on time if they shower together, they both know that. Which is why he’s a little surprised to hear the door opening and closing again. He shakes his head in fond exasperation, rinses the shampoo out of his hair, and waits for Kelly to climb in and join him.

Instead, after the rustle of clothing, there’s the sound of someone sitting down on the toilet and a very female voice requesting that he – Kelly, not Matt – hurry the hell up.

“I need to wash my hair!” Shay is saying.

But Matt doesn’t even register her words. He’s so shocked and surprised to hear her voice instead of Kelly’s that his entire body jerks with it. Normally, he’s got pretty good balance – he’s had to if he doesn’t want to fall whenever he’s not wearing his prosthesis and quite a bit with it on as well. But Kelly’s shower is slippery; it doesn’t have the same traction that Matt’s has, and he finds himself leaning dangerously to one side. He reaches out for the bar that’s in his shower for exactly these kinds of situations, but of course, it’s not there. He realizes a second before it happens that he’s going to fall, and he’s going to fall hard.

The next thing he’s aware of is that he lying on the floor of the shower, and he can hear Shay’s voice, but he can’t tell where she is because all he’s seeing are stars. The throbbing in his head starts before his vision returns fully, and he’s caught between shock and horror and the faint hope that he hasn’t got any injuries that he just hasn’t felt yet.

Then, Kelly’s voice cuts through it all. “Matt? Can you hear me? Talk to me, baby.”

For a moment, Matt tries to form words, but he can’t until Kelly’s face fully materializes. He’s leaning above Matt and he looks worried. “Kel.”

“Hey.” Kelly says. He glances sideways. “Shay, can you get me a towel? A clean one?”

Now he’s kneeling down beside Matt. Matt tries to push himself up, first onto his elbows and then to sit, but Kelly pushes him back down.

“No, don’t try to get up yet,” he orders.

The next thing Matt knows, Kelly’s pressing a towel to his forehead, obscuring one of his eyes. He holds it there for a minute, and it doesn’t even hurt, but when he pulls it away to get a look at what Matt now knows must be a nasty cut, there are copious amounts of blood on the towel. Matt feels himself get faintly queasy, and Kelly quickly presses it back down.

“It’s ok. Head wounds bleed a lot, you’ll be fine,” Kelly says, but he still sounds scared. “You hurt anywhere else?”

Matt tries to shake his head and regrets it. “I don’t think so,” he answers. He’s not entirely sure this is true, and his head is still spinning quite a bit, but really he just wants everyone to stop making a fuss. “I’m fine. Utterly mortified, but fine.”

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Kelly tells him. “I just want to make sure you’re ok.”

He reaches out and lays a hand on the uninjured side of Matt’s head, holding it there before running it down the side of his face and neck, petting him. He repeats the motion and Matt feels himself start to relax. The pain in his head gets a little worse and he notices a few other aches in his body, but none of it is worrying. The fact that he still feels queasy and lightheaded is.

“You should get him sitting up,” he hears Shay say in the background. “It’ll help stem the bleeding.”

Kelly looks down at Matt. “That sound ok to you?”

Matt considers the idea. He wants his head to stop bleeding, yes. “Yeah.”

He barely has to do any of the work. Kelly doesn’t even have to move the hand that’s holding the towel against Matt’s head, he just leans down low enough to slip his free arm under Matt’s shoulders and then lifts him, slowly and gently, helping him shift so he can lean back against the shower wall. As this is happening, Matt realizes that one of them – he doesn’t know who – has also draped a towel over his lap, trying to preserve some of his dignity. Once Matt’s adjusted, Kelly again moves to look at Matt straight on. He shifts the towel so that he can see both of Matt’s eyes.

“Can you look at me?” he requests.

Matt still feels a little disoriented, but he forces himself to meet Kelly’s gaze.

“Ok, and do you remember what happened?”

“Yeah,” Matt says. “I heard someone come into the bathroom and I thought it was you. I was so surprised hearing Shay I lost my balance and … well ...”

Kelly smiles at him, then looks back over his shoulder. “No signs of a concussion,” he says.

Matt lets his head fall back against the wall to rest there.

“That’s good,” Shay replies in an encouraging voice. “Why don’t you give it a few minutes, keep the pressure on, and then I can check out the wound, see whether you’ll need stitches?”

“Ugh, no stitches,” Matt complains.

“If you need them,” Kelly replies.

He then shifts so that he’s also sitting back against the shower wall next to Matt. Matt sees Shay leaving the bathroom and then Kelly’s got an arm around him, pulling Matt’s head down to rest on his bare shoulder. It feels good, warm and comforting, and Matt thinks he could almost fall asleep if it weren’t for the pounding headache.

He doesn’t know how much time passes before Shay comes back in. Kelly keeps holding his head against his shoulder, wound-side up, while Shay pulls the towel away. It apparently takes her ten seconds flat to make a judgment call.

“That’s definitely going to need stitches,” she says. Matt groans, and Shay shifts so Matt can see her face. “If you managed to do this without getting a concussion, you’ve got one hard head.”

“I’ll take you to the ER,” Kelly says.

“No, I don’t need …”

“Yes, you do,” Kelly insists.

“You have shift.”

“Shay, can you let Boden know I’m gonna be late? You can take my car, I’ll drive Matt’s truck.”

“Sure. Given this,” she gestures around and Matt looks down – there’s a lot more blood than he’d realized. “I’m just going to go shower at 51. Let me know if you need anything, though.”

“Yeah, we will,” Kelly agrees.

She leaves again, and Matt lets his eyes fall closed again.

“Do I really have to go to the hospital?” he asks.

“Afraid so.”

“I really hate hospitals,” Matt says. “Makes me remember right after they took my leg.”

Kelly makes an odd sound, a sort of rumbling in his chest that Matt can feel as much as hear. “That’s understandable. And I’m sorry,” he says. “If it makes you feel better, we’ll probably be in and out in an hour, two tops.”

Matt sighs. “Yeah, I know.”

They’re both quiet for a moment, and then Matt feels Kelly place a kiss on the top of his head.

“If I lean you back against the wall, do you think you can hold the towel here while I get us both a change of clothes?”

“I’m not completely useless here,” Matt reminds him. “Yes, I can hold it.”

Kelly smiles at him like he’s amused. “Ok, ok,” he says, taking Matt’s hand and pressing it to the towel in place of his own. “Hold it tight.”

He lays his hand over Matt’s and presses hard, as if to illustrate his point, then leans in and kisses Matt on the temple.

“Be right back, baby.”

As far as Matt can recall, this is the first time Kelly has used this particular pet name with him, and Matt thinks he should probably despise it, but he doesn’t. He kind of likes the sound of it, and the way it makes him feel warm inside. Maybe it’s just the head wound and the loss of blood – he closes he eyes so he can’t see it and risk getting more nauseated. Or maybe it’s just that Kelly really is different. Matt isn’t sure whether to be ecstatic or terrified that this may be true.

**********

Kelly enters 51 a few hours later to general teasing about his tardiness from squad, and he wonders if Shay told them anything, but he doesn’t even care right now. He’s not going to see Matt again for more than 24 hours, and given that his boyfriend just got eleven stitches on the side of his forehead, he’s not feeling great about it. After the hospital, he’d taken Matt home to get cleaned up and had made him promise not to drive – he could call Maddie for a ride if he really felt up to working, because although the doctor agreed that he didn’t have a concussion, it had still been a hard blow to the head. But he’s not entirely sure that Matt wasn’t lying through his teeth, and this is what he’s thinking about when he goes to face Boden.

“I’m really sorry for the short notice, Chief,” he says when they’re alone in Boden’s office.

“What happened?” Boden asked. “Shay just said it was an emergency.”

“Ah, well, you might’ve heard that I’m … in a relationship?” Kelly asks, because Boden wasn’t at Molly’s when he had revealed it, but there’s been a lot of good-natured ribbing going around the firehouse.

Boden just nods curtly. “I’ve heard talk.”

“I had to take him to the emergency room.”

“Everything ok?” Boden asks.

“Yeah, just a few stitches. Nothing to worry about.” Boden seems impassive, and Kelly worries that he’s really pissed. “I really am sorry about this, I just needed …”

Boden holds up a hand to stop him. “I’m not angry, Severide,” he says. “I think it’s good that you’re stepping up. Don’t end up alone and divorced twice, like me.”

“Or divorced four times, like Bennie?” Kelly asks.

“Or like that,” Boden agrees. “And since you’ve finally seen fit to inform me, let me just say, I’m happy for you.”

Kelly smiles. “Thanks, Chief.” He nods to the door. “I’ll just go get to work.”

“You do that,” Boden agrees.

Kelly’s got some work to do, reports from last shift that he needs to wrap up, but it’s not enough to keep him occupied for long, and the distractions of the common room and squad table aren’t enough to quell the uneasiness he feels over what happened this morning. He can’t quite figure out why he feels so bad about the whole thing – in the long run it’s a very minor injury, and Matt had seemed ok given the circumstances when Kelly had left him.

It finally hits him in the middle of the night. They’ve just gotten back from a house fire and Kelly heads into the shower to wash off the soot. He’s in the middle of soaping up, trying not to think about how much he’d rather be in his shower with Matt, or in Matt’s shower with him, which of course leads to thinking about exactly those things. And then he’s picturing Matt’s shower, the rough tread on the floor and the bars on the wall, even a small, built-in bench. The things someone might need if they were showering with only one leg. Kelly’s shower doesn’t have those things.

Guilt settles into his chest, and he hurries to rinse off before collapsing onto his bunk. Matt’s so fluid with his prosthetic leg that Kelly sometimes forgets he even has it, but he does. And despite how hard he works to make himself seem just like everyone else, he’s not.

The feeling is still there when Kelly leaves shift to head home for a nap, and when he goes to the gym to lift in the afternoon. They become even more prominent when he shows up to Matt’s place with takeout and sees that he looks completely worn out and exhausted, and he isn’t sure whether he should broach the topic now or wait for another time. But once they’ve eaten and start moving onto other activities, Matt clearly picks up on Kelly’s reticence.

“Ok, what’s wrong?”

“I just feel really bad. We hang out at my place a lot because I like it there, and I like having Shay around, but this wouldn’t have happened,” he says, reaching up to touch the edge of the gauze on Matt’s head, “if we’d been here instead.”

“So?” Matt says, laughing tiredly. “We’ll tell Shay to knock before she comes into the bathroom. Or I’ll just remember to lock the door.”

“No,” Kelly replies. “I mean, my bathroom. It’s not set up for you the way yours is here.”

“Is that what this is about?” Matt asks. “Kel, you don’t have to feel bad about that. I’ve used regular showers before, you know. I’ve used yours just fine when I didn’t have women walking in on me.”

Kelly smiles, but he doesn’t look entirely convinced.

“Seriously,” Matt continues. “I’ll tell you if something’s ever too much for me.”

“Will you, though?” Kelly asks. “I know you don’t want anyone to see you differently. Would you really speak up if it was something you thought you should be able to do?”

“That’s fair,” Matt says, smiling. “How about I promise to let you know, no matter what?”

“As long as you really do, then yeah,” Kelly agrees. “I just … I care about you, Matt. A lot. I don’t like having to see your blood all over my shower, and I really don’t like having to take you to the ER.”

“I can agree with that,” Matt says. “Now, are we done talking about this? I want to kiss you already.”

And Kelly’s totally fine with that, and with everything that follows. At least, he is until it becomes a little too obvious that some of the noises Matt’s making are more in pain than pleasure. They’re in the bedroom by now, and as they’re kissing, Kelly grabs Matt by the hips so that he can get his pants off when Matt noticeably winces and groans a little. Kelly pulls away and looks down at Matt.

“What was that?”

“What?”

“I just hurt you,” Kelly says.

“Kel, it’s fine,” Matt replies, reaching upward as far as he can to try and recapture Kelly’s mouth. But Kelly sits up all the way and looks down at him.

“It’s not fine if you’re in pain,” Kelly tells him.

Then, since he was already about to do it, anyway, he takes Matt’s pants off, and there on his left thigh, peeking out from under his boxer shorts and over his prosthesis, is a nasty, blue-back bruise.

“Matt!” Kelly exclaims. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“It’s nothing.”

Kelly reaches out and peeks under Matt’s boxers on his left side. The bruise covers the majority of his hip and the part of his outer thigh that Kelly can see. “This isn’t nothing.”

Matt sighs and sits up on his elbows. “I thought I’ve been clear that I don’t want you to treat me with kid gloves just because of my leg.”

“This isn’t about you missing a leg,” Kelly replies, feeling offended that Matt would think so. “Hell, if I got bruised like this on a job, I wouldn’t want someone fucking me the next day.”

Matt tilts his head to the side. “Do you ever want someone fucking you?” he asks.

“I mean, I’ll admit that I prefer to be on top, but yeah, I enjoy it on occasion. Why, you interested?”

“I didn’t say that,” Matt replies quickly. He scoots backwards on the bed, leaning against a pillow, and he looks away from Kelly.

This is not the conversation Kelly was planning to have right now. No, what he wants to know is why Matt thinks it’s ok if sex – or any kind of sexual activity – is painful for him. But he suspects that they’ve hit on a whole different issue here, and one that’s really important, so he climbs over Matt’s leg and stretches up towards the head of the bed, lying on his side to look at his lover.

“Have you ever topped, Matt?”

The flush that blooms on Matt’s face is answer enough, but Kelly waits until he actually answers.

“No,” he finally admits.

“Is it because you don’t think you’d like it?” Kelly can’t imagine that’s true, because he knows Matt’s been with women and enjoyed it well enough, and he’s certainly not opposed to bottoming. “Or something else?”

When Matt doesn’t answer, Kelly reaches out and drapes an arm over Matt’s shoulders, running a thumb over Matt’s jawline. “You can tell me anything,” he says.

Matt turns his head to the side, meeting Kelly’s gaze. “Not everyone’s like you,” he says. “I lost my leg before I started seeing men, and I … I just don’t know what it would be like with one leg. I might look weird. I probably wouldn’t be any good.”

“I can’t imagine that’s true,” Kelly protests. At Matt’s skeptical look, he adds, “Matt, you can run, fast, with one leg. I promise you can fuck with one leg.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like,” Matt says.

“I don’t,” Kelly relents. “But do you believe that I would never judge you for how you look, or even how it is your first time? That it wouldn’t make me change my mind about anything?”

“Yeah,” Matt says. “I do, really. You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met, Kelly. But this isn’t just about you, it’s …”

“Trust me, I know there are things you have to think about that I don’t,” Kelly says. “That’s why you have to talk to me.”

And even though Matt’s looking at Kelly earnestly, like he understands, like he wants things to be better, he doesn’t say a word.

“Do you want to try topping? Do you trust me enough to try?” Kelly asks. “Not tonight.”

“Ok,” Matt agrees. “But not tonight.”

“Tonight,” Kelly goes on, “you have stitches in your head and a giant-ass bruise on your hip, and God knows where else you’re sore. So you’re going to lay back and let me take care of you, ok?”

And then he does.

**********

Sometimes, Matt watches Kelly in his sleep. Once, early on, Kelly had told Matt that he’d never slept as well as he did when he shared a bed with Matt, and Matt knows he should find it sweet, and charming – it should be a good sign. But Matt worries that the opposite is true for him. He often wakes in the middle of the night for seemingly no reason, panicked that Kelly’s not there anymore, panicked that he is. He’s playing a game here that he’s not sure he’s really equipped to handle.

Because, as he was so abruptly reminded of over the past couple days, he can’t even keep himself upright in the shower. And Kelly’s, well … Kelly, beautiful and strong. He runs into burning buildings already weighed down by sixty pounds of gear and can still carry grown men out on top of that. What could he possibly see in Matt?

Matt blinks and realizes there are tears in his eyes. He looks up at Kelly, quickly, as though he’s somehow been caught, but he’s still lying peacefully, one arm wrapped around Matt, an almost-smile on his lips.

It’s going to end one of these days, that much Matt knows. Either Kelly will get bored and move on, or Matt will reach a point where he can’t keep it up any longer. He isn’t sure when it’ll happen, and he isn’t sure whether, in the long run, it would be better if he had more time with Kelly or if things ended now. But the choice isn’t his to make. Kelly is like the ocean, and Matt has already been swept away in his current.

**********

“So, my dad’s coming for a visit.”

Matt freezes for a second as he’s taking off his coat, then finishes removing it and hangs it on a hook before approaching the kitchen where Kelly and Shay are cooking.

He’s coming from work and has just gotten off the phone with Christie, for the first time in months – since their mother’s latest parole trial. Matt had been planning on testifying in favor of her release, but Christie had, at the last minute, guilted him into staying quiet. After the whole thing had gone down, he’d been left feeling like he’d disappointed both his mother and his sister, and he’d withdrawn from the family for months. But now Christie wants him to come for Violet’s birthday, and Matt’s already agreed. The problem is getting her to back off the fact that he hasn’t dated anyone seriously since Hallie without telling her about Kelly.

He forgets all of this, however, in the wake of Kelly’s news. Matt doesn’t know much about Kelly’s dad. Kelly hasn’t really spoken about him except to reveal that Bennie had disappeared from his life when he was about eleven, and had then reappeared when he was fourteen only to somehow make things even worse. It’s fair to say they have a strained relationship, but at the same time, Kelly seems to have a lot of respect for Bennie as a firefighter, so Matt’s unsure how he’s taking the news.

“Your dad?” he asks. “That’s … nice? Where’s he live again?”

“Not far. Kenosha,” Kelly answers. “You think it’s nice?”

“I think it’s whatever you think it is,” Matt answers judiciously. “Is it terrible?”

“No, just … complicated,” Kelly replies. “He’s on … what, family number three now?”

“Any particular reason he’s coming or he just wants to see you?”

“There’s a big Fire Academy dinner,” Shay answers for him. “Aren’t you coming, Matt?”

Before Matt can answer, truthfully, that he has no idea what she’s talking about, Kelly turns and points a spatula at him.

“I didn’t mention it because I didn’t think you’d want to come,” he says. “But there’s still time for me to add a plus one, and I’d love to introduce you to everyone if you’re up for it.”

Matt freezes, eyes wide. He definitely can’t handle dinner with his sister and her in-laws as well as meeting a bunch of Kelly’s firefighter colleagues in the same week. “Uh, I think I’ll pass. Unless you’re going to be totally offended if I don’t come?”

He only adds the last part because Kelly’s already said he doesn’t care.

“Totally fine,” Kelly replies. “It’s going to be boring anyway.”

Shay is giving them both weird looks. “You haven’t, historically, always found them boring,” she tells Kelly.

He glares at her. “Are you trying to start trouble?”

“What Kelly’s not saying,” Shay says, “is that the women practically flock to him at these things.”

Matt gives Kelly an appraising look. “I’m not too worried,” he says. “I don’t think there’s a woman there who can give him something I can’t.”

It’s kind of out of character for Matt, to be so cocky, but Kelly makes it easy. Not to mention that Kelly’s now bottomed twice, for the first time in years, he’s revealed, and he definitely gets why Matt never seemed bothered about switching before Kelly brought it up.

“Hey!” Shay says. “We’re about to eat dinner. And you’re getting to be too much like this one. I liked that you were the sweet, quiet one.”

“The fact that you think he’s sweet and quiet just goes to show how little you know him.” Kelly teases.

“To get back to the original subject,” Matt interrupts. “Your dad’s visit?”

“Yeah,” Kelly replies quickly. “Also, he’s staying here.”

“Ok. So, are you thinking we should just keep our distance for a few days?”

Parents are tricky business. He remembers meeting Hallie’s. They’d been polite enough to him, but they clearly had money and they didn’t seem to think that Matt was good enough for their daughter, especially not when they found out about Matt’s mom. It’s one thing to be thankful for, with the lack of relationships – no parents to worry about. But at the same time, he really likes Kelly, and if it’s important to him, Matt will do, like, a dinner or something.

Kelly shrugs. “I thought we should talk about it. And you can ignore Shay. I know she’s all with the snark, but she doesn’t actually have a say here.”

“I mean, it’s your dad,” Matt says. And yeah, he’s not crazy about the idea, but it’s just one firefighter as opposed to a whole house. “So it’s kind of up to you. If you really want me to, I’ll meet him.”

“Such a lovely, lukewarm sentiment.” Shay smirks, apparently trying to live up to Kelly’s description of her role.

“Is it weird if I say I want to play it by ear?” Kelly asks. “It’s just … Bennie’s always been a little weird about the bisexual thing. Not to the extent that he’d stop talking to me over it, but I think he’s always preferred I date women.”

That just makes Matt want to meet him even less, but he doesn’t say it to Kelly. “Sure,” he replies instead. “I’ll keep my schedule open.”

He just hopes that Kelly doesn’t ask him to meet Bennie at the same time as Violet’s birthday dinner, because now he really doesn’t want to have to explain why he hasn’t mentioned it.

“Ok, this is the last comment I’m going to make on the matter,” Shay says. “But you guys are both pathetic.”

Kelly throws an arm around her and kisses her cheek. “Aw, love you, too, Shay.”

She shrugs him off and begins filling up plates with food. “Whatever, loser. Dinner is served.”

Matt takes the first plate as offered. “Uh, what is it?”

“Arroz con pollo picante,” she says. “Dawson gave me a recipe.”

“Smells delicious.”

“Smells interesting,” Kelly corrects.

As they all sit down for dinner, Matt and Kelly share a look, and it makes Matt feel a hundred times better – just seeing Kelly in person always does. And Matt was right. Dinner is delicious.

**********

“So, a lesbian, huh?”

“Dad!” Kelly exclaims, shooting him a horrified look and then giving Shay an apologetic one.

“It’s ok,” Shay says. “Yes, sir. I’m a lesbian.”

They’re standing around the counter in Kelly and Shay’s kitchen, making sandwiches and awkward small talk. Very awkward small talk. Bennie’s only just arrived and Kelly’s already grumpy as the prospect of not seeing Matt for at least four days. He’s wondering whether he can sneak away at night without Bennie noticing – it’ll be like he’s back in high school trying to sneak out without his mom noticing. Or, he was thinking that, until Bennie’s latest line of questioning.

“So, not like Kelly, then, just liking … everyone?”

Kelly’s surprised. Bennie won’t even usually acknowledge that Kelly dates men as well as women, not unless Kelly brings it up first. He would wonder if Shay prepped him for this, but she’s clearly too surprised and amused by the whole thing to have been the instigator.

“Nope,” she replies. “Just ladies for me, thanks.”

“And, uh, you’ve come a long way these days,” he says. “I mean, what with marriage, and …”

“Yeah, we have,” Shay agrees blandly.

“Dad, can we talk about something else?”

“I’m just trying to get to know your roommate better,” he says.

Kelly doesn’t believe for a second that Bennie doesn’t have an ulterior motive here. “Let’s talk about something else,” he repeats.

“Why don’t we go sit down and have lunch?” Shay cuts in, pointing to the assembled sandwiches that are just sitting there.

They gather up the food in relative silence and move to the table, where things feel just as uncomfortable as they did when they were standing. Kelly decides not to point this out.

“So, you’ll both be at the Academy dinner, right?” Bennie asks once they’ve all dug in.

“Yeah,” Kelly replies.

“A chance to see all the guys actually cleaned up for one night a year?” Shay asks. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

“So, it turns out my friend Ted Heller – I don’t know if you remember him, Kelly, we worked together in OFI for a while, but now he’s a deputy commissioner – is going to be there. He’s just been through a nasty divorce so he’s bringing his daughter along. Gorgeous woman. And single, I hear.”

And there it is.

“Dad,” Kelly says.

“What? You’re not getting any younger,” Bennie replies. “And you haven’t dated anyone seriously in a long time.”

Kelly’s lips twitch with the urge to tell Bennie that he’s seeing someone seriously now – someone he can honestly see himself being with forever, though it’s too early to say that for sure, especially since Matt’s even more skittish around relationships than Kelly.

“I was dating Renee like, six months ago,” he says.

“The one who talked you into quitting the CFD and moving to Europe? That was never going to last. And good riddance to her.”

Kelly sighs. “Look, I’m not interested in meeting any of your old friend’s daughters at the dinner. I just want to go, support Boden, and have a good time with my friends.”

“That’s what you’ve been doing at these things every year,” Bennie replies. “And look where it’s gotten you.”

“Lieutenant for one of the best squads in the city?” Kelly shoots back.

“And you could be even more than that,” Bennie says. “Ted would be a great connection to have …”

“I don’t want to make a connection by pretending to be interested in dating his daughter.”

“Why does it have to be pretend?” Bennie asks. “You might really like her.”

“I’m not interested! I’m in a relationship with someone else,” Kelly finally admits.

Bennie looks taken aback. “Why didn’t you say so?”

Kelly stares at him. “I just did.”

“Well … that’s good, Kelly,” he says after a beat. “Uh, how long have you been seeing her?”

Kelly could explain, soften the blow. But frankly, the guys in the firehouse don’t have any reason to be more open about this than his own father, and they’d been fine with it, so he just goes for it.

“It’s not a woman, and I’ve been seeing him for about two and a half months now.”

“Oh,” Bennie says. “Oh. Well … I mean, it’s not like you haven’t given me plenty of head’s up.

“Jesus,” Kelly says.

“Kelly,” Shay cuts in, her tone placating.

“I’m sorry,” Bennie says then, surprising Kelly. It doesn’t even really matter what he’s sorry for, it’s just so rare for him to say that word at all. “I know I’m not good at this, but you have to admit you’ve never claimed to be in a relationship with a man before.”

Kelly wants to rail against that, but it’s actually true. He’s slept with a lot of men, same as women, but he’s never gotten serious with one before. Part of him wants to explain it to Bennie, but he can’t even really form the words in his head let alone aloud.

“Matt’s … different,” Kelly says lamely.

“Is he a firefighter as well?”

“No,” Kelly replies. “He owns a construction company.”

Bennie nods, seeming satisfied with that. “And were you even going to tell me about him if I hadn’t brought all this up?”

“Honestly?” Kelly asks. “I hadn’t decided.”

“So you’re not planning to bring him to the dinner?”

“He can’t make it,” Kelly lies.

He knows he shouldn’t, but it’s going to be hard enough to deal with Bennie’s reaction to the relationship without having him question why Matt’s so reticent to meet the people he works with, especially since most of the guys at the firehouse – and the women, for that matter – love to show off their significant others. Kelly knows that a couple of them must think he’s been avoiding it since he’s dating a man, but he’d have Matt there in a heartbeat if he thought Matt would come.

“So I’m not going to get to meet him, then?”

Kelly’s lips tighten. “Yeah, and how well do you think that meeting would go?”

“What, you think I’m going to embarrass you?”

Kelly doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to – he just stares Bennie down.

“Look, if this guy is important to you, then I want to meet him,” Bennie says. “A father should get to do that, to meet the people in his kid’s life.”

“He … may be free on Sunday morning. Maybe we can do breakfast, if you don’t have to leave first thing.”

Kelly wants to kick himself the moment the words are out of his mouth. He’d been planning to spend a little more time with Bennie – certainly more than an hour – before deciding whether it was a good idea, but Bennie’s always had this way of being able to talk people into things, and now he’s worked his magic on Kelly. And it’s not that he even cares what Bennie says or does as it relates to Kelly, but’s he’s really worried about how Matt will react to him and the probing questions he asks without thinking and the offhand, borderline-offensive comments he sometimes makes.

“Great!” Bennie exclaims, smiling broadly. “You set that up and I’ll be there.”

He digs back into his sandwich with gusto, but Kelly can only look at his half-heartedly. Suddenly, he doesn’t feel so hungry.

**********

By normal standards, breakfast is … not awful, which means that by the father-son interaction standards for Kelly and Bennie, it’s almost a raging success. Bennie is warm and charming – which, of course, Kelly knows he can be, he never would’ve managed to land five wives if he wasn’t – and is able to get Matt to relax a bit. He doesn’t pry when Matt says his parents are both “gone” (and even Kelly’s curious to know more – yet another thing Matt hasn’t talked to him about), he seems impressed that Matt managed to build up such a successful company from scratch even though he’s barely thirty, and when it comes up in the course of conversation that Matt has a prosthetic leg, he doesn’t say anything insensitive or press to know how it happened.

Even so, Kelly’s absolutely grateful when Bennie finally takes off, his bag already packed and in his car so he can head home to Kenosha, and he finally has Matt all to himself, alone.

“So,” he says as they exit the restaurant, hand in hand. “It’s Sunday. The usual?”

“I don’t think so,” Matt replies, looking at Kelly with sparkling eyes.

“No?” Kelly asks.

“Well, I just ate enough to keep me full for hours. And I got to run yesterday and the day before. You know what I haven’t gotten to do? Spend time with you.”

“Spend time,” Kelly repeats. “Yeah, and you know, I’m on shift tomorrow, so I won’t see you again until Tuesday.”

“My place?” Matt suggests.

Kelly is all too happy to agree.

**********

Kelly smiles when he sees Matt’s truck approaching and after a minute, steps from where he’s standing at the side of the street so Matt can pull into the spot. He’s already had to fend off two people who wanted to park here, so his partner had better appreciate it. He can see Matt shake his head with an exasperated smile. Kelly gives him an exasperated smile right back as Matt pulls in slowly, then double and even triple checks his parking job before getting out of the car. Kelly would tease him about it, but after seeing how careful Matt is about driving, he’s starting to suspect that it may have something to do with how Matt lost his leg – not that he’ll talk about it, even now that they’ve been seeing each other for more than three months.

Instead of worrying about it, Kelly accosts his boyfriend with a hug and an unintentionally steamy kiss the second he’s stepped out of his truck. “Hey there,” he says when he finally pulls back.

“Hey yourself,” Matt replies.

“You look tired,” Kelly observes.

“And you look remarkably well-rested.”

“Must have been all that lying around in my apartment today,” Kelly jokes. “Seriously, though, everything ok at work?”

“It’s fine,” Matt says. “Just some of the usual bullshit. I could really use a beer right now.”

“Your wish is my command.”

Kelly wraps an arm around Matt’s waist and leads him down the block towards the bar they’d agreed upon – there’ll be a good Blackhawks crowd there, and they keep Matt’s favorite IPA on tap. The game doesn’t start for another hour, but it’s already crowded inside. Kelly spots a couple at the bar who look like they’re closing out and pulls Matt over to poach their seats, then leans over the bar to get their first round. He’s still waiting to get a bartender’s attention when he hears his name being called out, and then there’s Capp, a few spots down, waving at him.

Capp hops off his stool and approaches. “What are you doing here, Severide?” he asks.

“Same thing you are,” Kelly replies, pulling back from the bar and turning to find Matt. “Hey, Capp, I want you to meet my partner – ”

“Matt Casey!” Capp exclaims just as Kelly’s managed to latch onto his hand. “How the hell are you doing, man?”

“Hey,” Matt says, and although his tone would sound casual to anyone else, Kelly can tell that something’s wrong. Not to mention the expression on his face. “I’m doing really well, how about yourself?”

“No complaints,” Capp says. “I had no idea that the Matt my lieutenant here refuses to shut up about was you.”

“Yeah, it’s … been awhile,” Matt replies. “Hey, if you don’t mind, can I just pull Kelly away for a second here?”

Matt doesn’t wait for a response before using Kelly’s grip on his hand to pull his boyfriend a number of steps from the bar, out of earshot from Capp. Kelly glances back at Capp, who just looks confused.

“Hey, listen,” Matt starts before Kelly’s even looking at him again. “I’m not really feeling up for this tonight.”

“What?” Kelly asks.

“I mean, you were supposed to be hanging out with Shay tonight, and I wasn’t expecting to come out,” Matt replies. “I really just want to go. But you want to be out, so why don’t you stay and hang out with Capp, watch the game, all that. I’ll see you after your next shift, like we planned.”

“Matt, what’s going on?”

“We’ll talk later,” Matt says and then, before Kelly can do a single thing, he releases Kelly’s hand and practically runs for the door.

Kelly stares after him, feeling as confused as Capp looks. It occurs to him that he should have followed after Matt, tried to figure out what had gone wrong, but his boyfriend’s probably halfway back to his truck by now. Instead, Kelly stalks back over to Capp.

“Do you have any idea what the fuck just happened?”

“Uh …” Capp stares at Kelly like he doesn’t know what to say. “I guess he wasn’t too happy to see me?”

Which doesn’t answer any of Kelly’s questions. “How do you know Matt, anyway?”

Capp keeps staring at him, but now he just looks as concerned as he does confused. “How long did you say you’ve been seeing him for?”

“A few months,” Kelly replies. “I met him when I was still out for my neck. What does that have to do with anything?”

Capp shakes his head. “If you don’t know how Matt and I met, then … well, I’m just not sure it’s my place to say.”

“What are you talking about?” Kelly asks. “Capp, you know you can’t keep a secret …”

“I really think you should go talk to him. Probably right away,” Capp says. “If you’re still confused, ask me again and I’ll tell you what you want to know.”

He reaches up and pats Kelly sympathetically on the shoulder, then walks back to his seat. Kelly stares at him for a minute, wondering if he should press Capp for more information. But he’s right; something’s got Matt spooked, and it’s not Capp’s job to fix whatever just happened.

**********

Kelly knows that Matt’s home because his truck is parked right outside, but there are no lights on and he’s not answering the door. It’s possible that Matt’s gone straight back to the bedroom even though it’s only six-thirty, but that doesn’t explain why he’s not coming out at Kelly’s repeated ringing of the bell and banging on the door. Part of him thinks he should probably just turn around and go away, but Matt’s behavior at the bar had been so out of character that Kelly’s worried something is really wrong.

“Matt?” he calls out, hoping none of the neighbors get worried or annoyed and decide to call the cops. “Answer the door, Matt. I’ll leave if you want me to, I just need to see that you’re alright first, ok? So come to the door, and once I see you, I’ll go.”

Nothing happens for a few minutes, and Severide’s about to knock again, or possibly try Matt’s phone, when suddenly he hears the deadbolt turning and the door is wrenched open.

“You’ve seen me, alright? I’m fine, you can go.”

Matt starts to shut the door again as quickly as he’d opened it, but Kelly holds up a hand to stop him because Matt is not ok. His eyes red are red and puffy – clearly, he’s been crying. It’s more than just that, though. There’s something despairing about his entire body. He looks like his whole world is falling apart.

“Matt.”

“Kelly, I’m alright,” he says. “Please.”

There’s something about his request, serious and desperate. He drops his hand from the door so that Matt is free to close it if he chooses to. But Matt doesn’t; he just stands there staring at Kelly, and Kelly’s sure that he’s succeeded.

“Can I come in?” he asks, and then he waits.

Matt twitches, looking at Kelly, looking for all the world like he’s going to step aside and allow Kelly in. But then he shakes his head.

“I can’t right now,” he says. “I just need some space.”

And then he closes the door; Kelly is left by himself on the doorstep. He waits, a minute and then two, as though Matt’s going to change his mind, come back and find Kelly there. It doesn’t happen.

**********

Kelly is staring incredulously at Matt. “What do you mean you don’t think we should see each other anymore?”

It’s a stupid question – Matt’s meaning is clear. If their positions were reversed, Kelly would probably say something sarcastic and cutting, but Matt is a nicer person than he is.

“I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you,” Matt continues. “I want you to know that. It’s been … great.”

Great. It hasn’t been great, it’s been … unbelievable. Kelly’s never felt like this about anyone before, not even Renee, the one he’d been engaged to. The whole thing would be insulting if he thought that it was really how Matt felt, or rather, how he didn’t feel, but even if Kelly wasn’t good at picking up signals like that, which he is, the timing is just too suspicious. Matt runs out of a bar because of some secret Kelly doesn’t know involving Capp of all people, and then when Kelly goes to his house and finds him distraught, he won’t let him in. It’s obvious that something has spooked him – too obvious, and there’s no way Matt doesn’t know that.

“Matt,” he says. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

“I’m not sure what it is you want to hear,” Matt replies. “I told you how I feel. I don’t owe you an explanation for that.”

Kelly is sure the hurt is showing on his face, no matter how much he wishes it weren’t. “Are you at least going to tell me what’s up with you and Capp?”

Matt’s expression is unreadable, which worries Kelly. He always feels like he can read whatever Matt’s thinking in his eyes, but that’s not true right now.

“You know what? I’m not doing this with you, Kelly,” he says.

“What does that mean?”

But Matt doesn’t say another word, just stands up from the table. He doesn’t even wait to put his coat on, just swings it off the back of his chair and walks out. Kelly sits, stunned, for a second before glancing back; Matt’s not even at the doorway yet. They’ve only ordered drinks, so Kelly pulls out a couple bills to cover them, throws the money down, and runs after Matt as fast as he dares inside a restaurant. Spilling out onto the sidewalk, he pulls his leather jacket on as he looks up and down the street. It only takes a second to spot Matt, and Kelly has the advantage on him. He starts sprinting down the block, needing to catch him before Matt can make it to his truck, which could be anywhere.

“Matt!” he calls. Matt doesn’t even pause.

As soon as Kelly’s close enough, he reaches out and grabs onto Matt’s arm. It’s rougher than he means it to be, judging by the way Matt turns too quickly, almost losing his balance. His face flushes as he looks up and into Kelly’s eyes.

“Kelly, let go of me,” he pleads, and there’s something in his voice, something raw and wounded that gives away things he clearly doesn’t want Kelly to know.

He drops Matt’s arm immediately, takes a step backwards. “I’m sorry,” he says, holding his hands up in surrender. “Matt …”

“Hey! Everything ok?”

Both Matt and Kelly’s attention are pulled away from each other and to the two women who are approaching from the same bar they’d just left, hand in hand. Kelly has no doubt that they’d seen him grab Matt’s arm, an inappropriate gesture at best. He can’t even deny it.

Matt takes a deep, calming breath. “It’s fine. Really,” he says, forcing a smile. He gestures between himself and Kelly. “We’re fine.”

One of the women, dark-haired and tall, still looks suspicious, but the other smiles, sensing that Matt is telling the truth, and he is. Kelly would never hurt him – physically or otherwise, not if he can help it. The problem is that it seems he has done something to hurt Matt; he just can’t figure out what it is. The tall woman allows her partner to pull her away, and Kelly turns back to Matt.

“I am sorry,” he says. “I … if you really want out of this, then I’ll let you go. But just … at least tell me why. Please.”

Matt stares at him with doubtful eyes. “Are you seriously trying to tell me you don’t know?” he asked. “Capp …”

“Hasn’t told me anything,” Severide promises. “He would, if I pushed him to. But he told me that I would want to hear it from you.”

Matt shakes his head. “No. I can’t …” he starts. He looks Kelly in the eye. “I can’t do this with you, Kelly.”

“Why not?” Kelly says. “I thought we had a good thing going here. I thought …”

They’re quiet for a moment, the sounds of the city buzzing around them.

“We did,” Matt says finally. “The problem isn’t you. It’s me. I’m not proud of it, but I just can’t do this. I can’t be with a firefighter.”

Kelly feels like he’s been punched in the stomach. “That’s what this is about?” he asks, sounding angrier than he means to.

But, it’s just … it’s about the fact that he’s a firefighter? It’s not the first time someone’s ducked out of a relationship because they couldn’t handle being with a first responder, couldn’t handle the thought of their partner being in constant danger. But Matt’s known it was a dangerous job from the beginning – they’d met when Kelly was still recovering from surgery on his neck for God’s sake! And he hasn’t come home with so much as a scratch or a first degree burn since he’s been back at work. There has to be something else that’s triggered this.

Matt still hasn’t said anything, and Kelly shakes his head. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“Why can’t you just let me be? Let me go?” Matt replies softly. “I’ve told you what I want.”

“No,” Kelly says. “If this were a month and a half ago? Sure. But this isn’t just ... it isn’t casual, anymore, not for me.”

“You don’t even know me,” Matt shoots back.

“Maybe you’re right. But I want to,” Kelly tells him. “I’m over here falling in love with you, and you want to just leave without a word?”

Kelly can’t believe that he’s just admitted it to Matt, aloud, standing on a sidewalk in the middle of Boystown. Matt’s eyes go wide, and he shakes his head. “You can’t just say things like that.”

“It wasn’t a mistake,” Kelly tells him. “I’m falling in love with you, Matt.”

As Kelly says it for a second time, he realizes that it’s not entirely true. He’s not falling in love with Matt, he’s in love with Matt. He can’t even pinpoint when it happened, but in this moment, he knows it with absolute certainty.

“Kelly,” Matt says, and his composure is gone. He’s pleading with Kelly, but Kelly still isn’t sure what he wants – he isn’t sure Matt knows what he wants.

“Please, talk to me. Don’t end things like this.”

Matt’s look down at first, but then he looks back up, just a glance, and Kelly catches his gaze. There’s … something in Matt’s eyes; Kelly had thought he could read all of Matt’s emotions in his eyes, but right now, it’s not working. He realizes what’s about to happen a second before it does.

“I’m sorry, Kelly,” Matt says. “I’m really sorry, but it’s better this way.”

It’s the shock of it. He’d been sure, this was just Matt being Matt again, he wouldn’t really do it, wouldn’t end things. It’s all happening so fast that Kelly takes it like a blow to the head, like he’s woken up after a head injury. There are things he doesn’t remember, but without them, he can’t make sense of his current reality. He feels sick and breathless with the weight of it, and he closes his eyes, trying to recalibrate. It’s better this way; he thinks about that. How could it possibly be better?

“Kelly,” he hears Matt say.

Then there’s a shuffling sound, and footsteps. Kelly waits until they’ve nearly faded into the sounds of the city before he finally opens his eyes again. All he sees is Matt’s back, walking away down the sidewalk. Eventually, he reaches the end of the block and disappears around the corner. He doesn’t pause once, doesn’t look back.

Kelly closes his eyes again. Maybe when he opens them, he thinks as he stands there waiting, he’ll find that this was all just a dream.

**********

Shay isn’t home. Not that Kelly would expect her to be – he hadn’t planned to be. Or at least, he’d figured Matt would be with him if he was.

He goes for the next best thing: her bottle of tequila. It’s a poor substitute. He can’t talk to it. (He tries. After he’s already finished a good bit of it.) It can’t talk back to him, snarky or supportive or anything. And it’s going to leave him feeling pretty rough in the morning, but Kelly figures he’s going to feel like dying no matter what he does for the rest of the night.

By the time Shay walks in the door, thankfully alone, Kelly’s warm – too warm, suffocating – and the room is spinning in circles around him. She calls out his name, questioning, and he says something in return, the words forgotten the moment they’re off his lips. He tries to grab the bottle of tequila for another drink of it – where is it? There. But no, his hand closes around empty air. Shay is looming over him. She’s holding the bottle.

“Christ, this was almost full, Kelly,” she says.

“I’ll buy you more,” he says, or he thinks he says it.

“That’s not what I’m worried about it,” Shay replies. “You could have alcohol poisoning.”

“I’m fine,” Kelly protests.

But then Shay gives him a little shove and he nearly pitches over the side of the couch. He might have, actually, except Shay sits down next to him and she’s holding his arm.

“What’s going on, Kelly? What happened?”

“He’s gone,” Kelly tells her.

“Matt?” Shay sounds genuinely confused. “What do you mean, he’s gone?”

“He doesn’t want to see me anymore,” Kelly says, and this time his voice sounds slurred even to him. His mouth feels very dry. “It’s better this way.”

He laughs. It’s not better. Nothing will ever be better. Shay rubs his back but he just laughs harder until suddenly he’s not laughing anymore. He’s crying, and he doesn’t know how to make it stop. He lets Shay pull him into her arms, lets his head fall onto her shoulder. He’s always been the holder before, never the held, and he’d always assumed that it was comforting, that it helped at least in some small way, but now he knows. Nothing can help at all, not now, in this moment. He lets her hold him anyway, and in the morning, he doesn’t remember whether he ever stopped crying.

**********

Matt doesn’t get up the next morning. He lies in bed, awake, waiting for the sleep that never comes. The alarm goes off and he stays in bed. Not because he’s tired or because he finally falls asleep, but because he can’t move. He watches the minutes tick by on the clock. The time he should be leaving for the office. The time he should be arriving at the office. The time for breakfast passes and lunch approaches, but he still doesn’t get up, and nothing happens because it’s fucking Saturday and no one else is working today so no one is there to wonder why he isn’t. It’s the first Saturday he hasn’t worked in … God, possibly years. When was the last time Christmas fell on a Saturday?

He’s thinking about Kelly, the same things playing over and over in his head like a highlights reel on ESPN. Kelly, the moment Matt had first laid eyes upon him, nearly running into his broad, solid chest. Kelly, a near stranger, touching Matt’s remaining left leg as though it was the most precious thing in the world. Kelly, face unguarded, lost in the feeling of Matt. Kelly, running alongside him, laughing in pleasure because Matt is stronger and faster than anyone would guess. Kelly, pressing up behind him, distracting Matt from his cooking, holding his wrist and turning him around, kissing him. Kelly, face looming large and worried above Matt’s prone form. Kelly, his eyes filled with desperation and anguish when Matt tells him they’re over. Kelly, eyes closed, finally letting him walk away.

Why had Kelly let him walk away? Why had Matt done it?

But Kelly’s not the reason he’s still in bed. He’s just another symptom of the problem. The problem is Matt.

He’s not sure the moment he understands this, but it’s so clear, it’s so fucking obvious. He is the problem. He is standing still, afraid to take a step, afraid to move, afraid to breathe. He is the problem. He’s a fucking coward who owns a construction company because it’s what his father had done and what he’d taught Matt about. He’s a coward who couldn’t admit to himself that he preferred men until his fiancé told him he did. He’s a coward who, even being forced to face it, won’t allow himself to take a chance and be happy.

He’s a coward who let Kelly go, who pushed him away, and Matt’s only known him a few months but he’s pretty sure Kelly is the love of his life. Was. Is?

He stays in bed because it’s crushing, the realization that he’s the reason he hates his life, the reason he’s so unhappy. The realization that he wants to be unhappy because it means he has nothing to lose, and he’s so damn afraid of losing more than he already has. He stays in bed because it’s so fucking sad and pathetic.

He stays in bed as the sun rises high in the sky and then dips down again, sending harsh rays in through the cracks in his blinds. He stays in bed until it’s almost dark, and he thinks of Kelly. He can picture Kelly in any of the million moments they’ve spent together since they met, but he can’t picture him now. Is he sad, crying? Is he out with Shay, drinking and picking up the next man or woman? Is he numb, like Matt?

As the sun falls completely below the horizon, its fire is replaced by a burning that comes from within him. Matt knows what he wants, suddenly and with perfect clarity. He gets out of bed.

**********

He’s standing in front of Kelly’s door. He’d gotten lucky and arrived outside the building just as someone else was leaving, so he’d been able to come up unannounced, only now that he’s here, he’s wondering if this was all a mistake, if he’s too chicken shit to even so much as knock. He pauses, takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes and pictures all of those memories of Kelly again, and he wants.

It’s quiet after he knocks, even his breath, quick and shallow, is silent. It’s so quiet he can almost hear the pounding of his own heart and then there are footsteps approaching the door. They’re too light to be Kelly’s, he thinks, and he’s right. The steps stop on the other side of the door, and there’s a pause before the door is wrenched open. Shay has a hand on one hip. Her sharp eyes are narrowed and her lips are pursed.

“No,” she says.

“Shay –” Matt begins.

“No.” Her voice is calm and firm and it’s almost worse than if she’d yelled it.

“Shay …” he tries again, but this time she tries to shut the door in his face and he holds up a hand to stop it. “I know I fucked up. I know. I just … I have some things I need to say to him, and then I’ll go if he wants me to.”

“What could you possibly have to say that won’t make it worse?”

“Things I should have told him a long time ago,” Matt tells her. “Things he deserves to know.”

“That may be true,” she replies. “But I’m not sure you deserve the chance to tell him.”

“I’m not sure I do either. But … please, Shay.”

“Are you here because you want to get back together, or because you want to say good-bye?”

Matt doesn’t answer, can’t answer, not until he sees Kelly. Whatever happens, he just needs to see him and say what he came to say.

Shay seems to read it all on his face, and he hates it because he has no idea what she’s thinking, beyond the obvious. “I’ll go ask him. But I swear to God, Matt, if you make things worse …”

He shakes his head vigorously. “I won’t.”

She gives him one last glare, and then she shuts the door in his face. All he can do it wait. He doesn’t keep track of how long he’s left standing there, but he does wonder what’s happening inside. Does Kelly want to come but she’s trying to talk him out of it? He would be hurt by it if it weren’t for the fact that he’s the one who’s done the hurting. He can’t even describe the relief he feels when he hears footsteps approaching the door, and this time they’re heavier, more solid. Kelly.

But then Matt’s heart breaks when the door opens again; he’s never seen Kelly looking so devastated, so wrecked. His eyes are red-rimmed, but he’s not crying now. His jaw is set hard, and he doesn’t say a word, just leans on the doorway and waits for whatever it is that Matt wants. Suddenly, Matt understands that there’s a very real possibility this won’t work, that he’s lost Kelly forever, but he also knows that if that happens, it’s entirely his own fault. But he has to try, even if he has to do it here in the hallway where any of Kelly’s neighbors could come out or even just listen through their doors.

“When I was twenty years old,” he begins, “I was a candidate at Firehouse 34. Capp was on truck there at the time, that’s how I know him. I’d only been out of the Academy for about a month when we got called to a structure fire – an old factory that had been turned into apartments. Our lieutenant assigned me and Capp to sweep the third floor and we found a woman and her young son. But it was bad, everything was crumbling. Later they said the contractors hadn’t done the renovations to code, which is why it was worse than it should have been. We were on our way out when there was a collapse. It was … it happened almost too fast to react. I managed to get mostly out of the way, but my legs – really, the left – got crushed by a piece of concrete. That’s how I lost my leg – the damage was just too bad. The doctors said I’d have better function with a prosthesis than if they tried to repair it, and given everything I can do now, they were probably right.”

He stops, because Kelly’s still staring at him, still not saying anything, but there’s a change in his expression. Matt’s only known him a few months, but he can already read his face as though they’d been together for years.

“Kelly, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I didn’t know how. I’ve only told one person this story since it happened – Maddie. I never wanted to tell you. The second I found out you were a firefighter, I told myself I needed to stay away, that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. But you came to my office, and you were … you were gorgeous and charming and kind. I don’t think most people get that when they see you, but you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. So I didn’t want to stay away. I just thought … I don’t know what I thought. I guess I just pretended that it would never come to this, that we could just live in our own little bubble forever. But all I did was end up hurting you. Hurting both of us.”

Matt’s breath is coming out heavily, and he realizes it’s because he’s trying not to cry. Kelly is straightening now, and reaching out towards him, but Matt takes a step back.

“Matt,” Kelly says. “Why don’t you come inside?”

But he’s started, and he thinks that if he stops now he’ll never be able to continue, to finish everything he needs to say.

“You’ve told me over and over that I’m strong, and amazing. And I think, maybe I was before. I don’t come from good roots, Kelly. My dad was unhappy and unkind and abusive, and my mom took it for years, until one day she didn’t and she shot him to death. My dad’s gone and so is my mom, but she’s not dead, she’s in prison. I was sixteen when it happened and I went into the system and a part of me just wanted to tear everything down, but a bigger part wanted to be a firefighter, and save lives and have a family. So I fought for it, I fought so hard against everything I came from to become who I wanted to be, and then that fire happened, and I didn’t just lose my leg, Kelly, I lost myself.

“I don’t even know if I realized it at the time. Or maybe I did, and I was just too scared to admit it, too scared that I might not ever find myself again. So instead of fighting through it, I made myself smaller. I accepted a life I’d never wanted because I thought that it was all I could have. For the past ten years, I’ve spent all my time working at a job I don’t even like because it’s safe. And I date people once or twice, maybe three times, while it’s still light and fun because that’s safe. And then you came into my life and as soon as I found out you were a firefighter, I knew that the safest thing would be to never see you again, but you were better than safe.

“For the past ten years, I haven’t been strong or brave, but being with you has made me feel like I am again. I’ve felt strong and free and happy. But then I came face to face with the whole reason I’d stopped taking chances, and it terrified me. I never expected you to want me for even this long, and I didn’t know how I’d handle it if you left me, so I left you first, even though it’s not what I want. It’s not what I want at all. I want everything with you, Kelly, because I love you, more than I ever thought I could. But I don’t deserve you if I can’t even muster up the courage to tell you that.

“So, this is me trying to be brave. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. I’ll be whoever it is you think is worth a second chance. But, please, just tell me that we don’t have to be over. Tell me you still want me.”

After Matt stops speaking, there’s a moment where nothing happens. It seems, to Matt, to stretch on for a second, ten minutes, an eternity. His heart stops beating, it beats a million times, his stomach twists itself, an actual, physical pain in his gut. Then Kelly surges forward, faster than Matt can comprehend, and they’re kissing. Kelly’s hands are cupping Matt’s head, and Matt is just standing there, kissing back, because he can’t think to do a single other thing.

It ends too soon, but Kelly doesn’t back away, he doesn’t move his hands. “I love you, Matt Casey,” he says. “You’re a way bigger idiot than I realized, but I love you, anyway. You don’t have to be anyone else for me, just be the person I fell in love with. Can you do that?”

“I’ll do anything,” Matt promises, and terrifyingly, he really means it.

Kelly moves his hands then, slipping them around Matt’s back and pulling them flush together. It feels so damn good to be in Kelly’s arms again, it feels like it’s been forever, and that’s how long Matt would happily stay right in that spot.

“Will you come inside now?” Kelly asks, quietly, into Matt’s ear.

This time, Matt does. Just inside the doorway, leaning against the wall, is Shay. Her eyes land on Matt, looking steady and sad.

“You heard the whole thing?” he asks, because of course she did.

Shay blinks a couple times, and although the emotions there don’t change, she stands up and crosses her arms. “You get a pass this time,” she says. “But you hurt him like this again, and you can say good-bye to your other leg.”

Matt winces. “You don’t pull any punches, do you?”

She stares him down. “Don’t think I’m not serious.”

Matt doesn’t reply, just meets her gaze. Then her arms uncross, and she pulls him into a hug. It’s not as all-encompassing, so good as Kelly’s, but it’s tight and protective and Matt hugs her back, because he’s known since basically the beginning that having Kelly in his life means having Shay in it, and anyway, he can’t see how that’s a bad thing.

“So,” she says, taking a step back. “I’m going to go get ready and head out for the night.”

“Shay, you don’t have to go,” Matt tells her.

She shakes her head. “No, you guys need some alone time, and anyway, I was supposed to make an appearance at this party tonight. I only cancelled because Kelly was too pathetic to leave alone.”

“Way to kick a guy when he’s down.”

“You’re not down anymore,” Shay defends. “The guy you’re stupid in love with just told you that he loves you back. Go be happy, damn it!”

Kelly shares a look with Matt, who doesn’t look quite sure what to think.

“Are all of your friends this bossy?” he asks Kelly.

Kelly smiles at him lightly. “Only the ones I live with.”

Shay shakes her head and starts up the stairs. “Whatever, I’m out. Just please don’t manage to fuck up this relationship again while I’m gone.”

“We’ll do our best,” Kelly calls after her, before turning back to Matt.

He steps forward and grabs onto Matt’s waist, then moves one of his hands to cup Matt’s head, running a thumb over his cheek. Matt lets his head fall forward, seeking Kelly, and Kelly lifts his chin and kisses him sweetly, softly.

“Should we go back to my bedroom, relax?”

“Yeah,” Matt says. “Yeah, that’s …”

He lets Kelly take his hand and lead him back into the bedroom. Once there, Kelly reaches up and begins unbuttoning Matt’s jeans, but Matt places a hand over his.

“I thought we should just talk right now,” he says, and it’s so unlike him because shutting Kelly up by initiating sex is practically Matt’s signature move at this point. “Some of what I just told you …”

Kelly pauses but doesn’t move his hand. “Yeah,” he agrees. “But I have no intention of letting you go for a second while we’re talking, and I thought it’d be more comfortable without your prosthesis.”

Matt can’t argue with that, so he allows Kelly to help him strip down to his boxers and tee shirt, and then Kelly does the same even though he was just wearing ancient sweatpants to begin with, and they cuddle up together in the bed. Kelly’s propped up slightly by the headboard, Matt curled into his side, barely resisting the urge to bunch Kelly’s shirt in his fist so he can’t get away. But Kelly’s not going anywhere.

“I was so afraid I’d never get to do this again,” Kelly tells him.

“Part of me can’t believe you still want to, after what I just told you,” Matt replies.

“What, because you used to be a firefighter?”

Matt gives him a look. “You know which part I’m talking about,” he says. “My family is …”

“Your parents aren’t you, Matt. If anything, it’s just more proof to how amazing you are, that you’ve turned out the way you have,” he says. “Your sister, too, based on what you’ve said.”

And then Matt talks more about Christie, how she’d regretted leaving him behind to go back to school right after their dad’s funeral, leaving him alone to go through their mom’s trial with no one to support him. She’d more than made up for it, the way she’d been there after he’d gotten hurt in the line of duty, taking him in when she was already pregnant with Violet, helping him get his business off the ground when so many other lines of work were now closed to him.

Kelly confides in Matt as well, about how his mother had gone off the rails when Bennie came back only to cheat again, very publicly, how he would’ve ended up with nowhere to go if a friend from school hadn’t convinced her parents to take him in. He talks about his neck injury, and how no one else had been injured but someone had died, his best friend. How he’s been carrying the guilt of it around on his shoulders ever since, and had wondered if Matt leaving was his karmic retribution for getting Andy killed.

They talk, and Kelly doesn’t judge him for a single thing he says, doesn’t hate him for the things he can’t change, doesn’t try to tell him how he should or shouldn’t feel. He thinks, at some point, that it may be impossible that a person like Kelly actually exists in the world, let alone that he could want Matt, but he does. They talk as they hear Shay come home and disappear upstairs. They talk until Matt’s so tired that he can barely form words let alone keep his eyes open.

“Kel,” he says as he fights to stay conscious. “Love you.”

Kelly’s voice is clearer than his. “I love you, too, Matt. Now go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll always be here.”

**********

Kelly lies in bed, the ambient lights from the city shining in through the window, just enough for him to watch the rough outline of Matt’s features, to see the small furrow between his brow and the rise and fall of his chest, and he can’t believe how lucky he is to have this.

He’s kind of uncomfortable, if he’s being honest – he needs to use the bathroom, and he’s spent too many hours in the same position, especially his right arm wrapped around Matt. But if someone offered him a million dollars right now, he wouldn’t move, wouldn’t let go of Matt, wouldn’t change a single thing about this moment. He’s known what he’s wanted for a while, and now that he knows what Matt wants as well, Kelly knows he won’t let go again.