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Ah… the city of Beach City. So sandy, so bright, so… sapphic.
Our story begins on the great sandy shores of the Beach City Beaches - the beaches that line the grand coastal city of Beach City, filled with beach sand, a city boardwalk, and a giant statue of a space woman, perfectly balanced along the center of the city’s beach, as all beaches should be. And as all beaches on the Weast Coast of the States United should, there were people of flesh and blood standing amongst the golden sands of eroded stone.
One such people, Steven “The ‘Madokami’ Rock” Universe, had consumed the fried sticks of salted potatoes that had been pulled from his rhinestone belly button, and was now performing The Sad 7-11 Hot Dog For $4.99 along it’s sandy shores – perfectly parallel to the ocean and the Beach City, as all boys should be.
What? You’ve never done the The Sad 7-11 Hot Dog for $4.99 before? What kinda fuckin’ man-cave have you been living under, ya goddamn fucknugget? It’s rather self-explanatory. Much like a hot dog at 7-11, you lie down on whatever flat, level surface is available, and then you slowly roll as far as you can, like a hot dog at 7-11. And like a sad hot dog, you cry all the way till the end of time, because you’re getting sand in your eyes.
So, Steven “Trauma Center: Second Opinion” Universe TS7-11HDF$4.99-ed his way down the sandy shores of Beach City, each tear shed creating a line of life, of tiny sandy rock people, finding their purpose in the ever-shifting wave of the world’s tides, and buried under the Beach City umbrellas and Beach City towels of Beach City residents. In Beach City.
Did you know? This story takes place in Beach City.
He rolled his sappy little pink body down the sandy shores of Beach City, until he collided with a lump. And then rolled up the lump. And then rolled down the lump, like a child climbing a chainlink fence, except it was recorded, and the second half of the footage was just the climbing-up portion edited and played in reverse, as if the child were climbing downwards from the fence on the other side. Stephan paused his TS7-11HDF$4.99 manuevers to re-orient himself, and align his vision with that of the tall lump he had rolled over.
He noticed several things at once. First, it was a rather large lump. A very tall and pale, blue, light-angst lesbian lump. One with a tiny face, and an oval embedded into their forehead. Why, it was his third-mom, Pearl! And she looked totally normal! Her giant clam costume was totally not out of the ordinary, what would give you any impression otherwise?
“Why, hello there Stephany,” Pearl forced out, her face puckered in an inexplicable grin. “What a kind and frigid day we’re having. Why-“ A Snicker’s bar escaped her costume, as she snickered snickeredly. “Why, I feel rather… clammy!” She screeched out a seagul’s laughter upon her speaking of a pun, so horrid and artificial, that even the most seasoned of leather-jacket-punny bisexuals felt a chill down their spine, as if the natural order of bad puns had been disturbed, however briefly.
“Wow, Pearl! That was really funny! You should be a, comedian!” Storefront could only reply in what he thought was a pun, as being raised as a sheltered boy by a rock trio meant he only had a fragment of life within his torrid soul. Pearl, on the other hand, howled at the son’s humorous return, the joyous screech of her avian bones cursing the Isle of Delfino nearby.
Such Machiavellian bullshit was soon interrupted, however, as a third character entered the fanfiction.
“Yo, Steamin! Paarl! Whaddup familam!”
At the calling of their titles, Pink Bouyancy and Darkbeast Paarl looked towards the sudden interruption of their merry moment, only to be greeted by a pile of purple polygons and light particles. A large, triangular purple gemstone, rendered within the Bethesda Creation Engine, to be specific. Semen immediately recognized the one-of-a-kind rock approachal.
“Yo, holy shit! Is that a flawless Amethyst from The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim: Special Edition!?”
“Nope! It’s just little-ol’ me…” With a FLASH, a FLOURISH, and an IMMEDIATE DROP IN SALE VALUE, the large XBOX jewelry stone shapeshifted their form, returning to an image one knew well if they googled it. For it was Amy Thyst, the older sister-mom of the Universal Family.
“Oh fuck! It’s Amethyst!”
“That’s right, reader! It’s ya boi, voretuber750, AMETHYST!” With a shout of applause, the slapping hands of a hundred clappers could be heard in jubilation, as the greatest character in Steven’s Universe, Amelia Watson Thyst, appeared on the sandy shores.
“RrrruuaAAAAAHHHH” moaned the blood-tainted Darkbeast Paarl, their frayed mange of grayed haynge (hair) waving in the air as they roared to the heavens, their skeletal figure trapped within an encasement of oyster-based humor and forgetful identity.
“Darkbeast Paarl is right, Annie Cyst!” Realized Secundo, “shouldn’t you be with your polycule?”
“Oh, you mean PeriPiss?” They pointed towards the beach house three feet away, alit with emerald and aquamarine stage lights from within. “They wanted me to come get yalls. Apparently dog biscuit green wanted to talk to you both.”
“Huh? My best buddy Peridot wanted to see me? Hell yeah! Let’s go, Pearl!” With jubilation, Sexy crawled up the beach stairs on all fours, like a king emphasizing mobility in motion, unafraid to traverse the wooden steps like a fast bear over a two-legged Englishman.
“Wait for me, Stefano!” Called out Clampearl, as the most-definitely-never-was-what-are-you-talking-about-blood-beast gemstone mother ascended the steps, shedding the giant clam shell around her like a butter flies from a cocoon. Like the Pearl she was made for, she climbed the stairs with Gusto, followed by the small, purple vore gremlin.
(++++++++++++++++++++)
The inside of the beach house was standard, in all ways it should be. A wooden floor here, a portal to various other locations there, and of course, in the center of it all, sat Peridot and Lapis on the Game of Thrones chair, itself sat atop a pile of broken promises and unfinished fanfiction. Noticing the entrance of Anything, Steering, and Pornography, Dot broke off from her tender make-out session with Piss to turn around and face the guests of her queendom.
"Ah, Steamin. I'm glad you've arrived," Periwinkle leaned forwards, her stubby digits pressed together as her Kamina glasses brightened into the Gendo Ikari pose. “As you know, Staminan Max, I'm currently compiling a list of every fusion in the show to earn my 100% completion achievement before Cartoon Network pulls us off the Playstation Store. In order for this to be Achieved, I'll need you and Pearl to fuse once more for my notes," Peridot explained from atop the iron throne, embraced from behind by Pisstopher Robin.
His eyes alit with glee, Stouffer’s Meal Stuffed Green Peppers flipped, jacked, and T-posed in celebration. "You want me to fuse!? Sure thing oh buddy ol' chum old friend old pal best-buddy one-of-a-kind poggers amiga Peri! Let's go Pearl!" As Steven enthusiastically agreed, he and Pearl pressed the G key twice to perform a two-player taunt, joining together in a blinding array of light.
Soon after, their new union came to a stop. With glisting hair, a shining umbrella, and a shit-eating grin upon their face, Rainbow Quartz(?) shook off the mounds of glitter that had covered them mid-transformation.
“Eeeesh. Glitter. Y'know it's great to use when you wanna mess with some fools, but it sucks literally on every other fuckin' occasion.”
RQ(?)’s stomach growled like a housecat five minutes after being fed, prompting them to approach the only non-horrible thing in this house – the fridge.
"Rainbow Quartz? You look a little different..." Connie noted from atop the fridge. RQ(?) paid no mind as they traipsed across the kitchen towards the fridge, opening it - grabbing the first thing they saw - and slamming it shut.
“Kind of a shitty kitchen,” Taako noted.
The Adventure Zone crossover character looked at the stack of bread and foodstuffs in their hands. It was red. All of it, pretty much. Some shade of maroon and unidentified green beef. Also a rock. There was a rock there too.
“W-wait, isn’t that Garnet’s rock?” Cornelius pointed towards the red rock near Taako’s assembling hands. It was red. Looked pretty big. Fuck, for all Taako knew, it could be a pretty garnet-y garnet. For good measure, he threw the stone into the midst of his meatsona, raising it to appraise the crimson creation.
“No-WHAT!? Rainbow Quartz, you can’t eat Garnet!”
Taako lazily glanced over towards the sword-bearing teen, frothing at the mouth in what was probably a grand overreaction to a god-wizard eating some stones and bread in their kitchen.
“Okay, kiddo? One: I’m Taako. From TV? Ch’boy’s got a little bit of a rep, y’know? I think I can rock the rainbow bit sometimes, but I think I’m more of a rose quartz-kinda guy,” he clarified after the author googled “pink rocks.” “And second? I’ve seen at least one guy eat a rock and live. So if it’s that easy, I’m pretty sure I’ll be gucchi.”
With that, Taako From TV took a big, fabulous, magical bite from the crimson sandwich. Banana tree-leaf softness, expired mustard, juice from a cow… yeah, that was garbage. But ch’boy’s made up his mind, and he does not do take backs. He bites into the item he thought was a rock, but it’s just… squishy? Gooey?
He chews tentatively, shifting his jaw around to get a handle on the flavor. “Huh. Y’know, for a rock, it tasted pretty bad. You think I could get another sample on what kind of cheese you use?”
“Of course not.” The monotone voice of Estelle sounded throughout the room, as a maroon boombox stepped off the teleporting disc, a karate finger jammed straight at Taako. “Taako from TV, I knew that you’d appear today. For what purpose, I have not yet seen – but it doesn’t matter. You’ve already fallen into our trap.”
The Fabulous Wizard stopped mid-chew, his blue brow furrowed in confusion. He swallowed, looking around for any kind of trap that this tall boom box could be springing. “Uh, sorry to bust your parade, Boom Box, but,” he takes another bite of the false Garnet sub. “It seems like the only trap you pulled on me was making a shitty sandwich. Gushers, mustard, vinegar…” a swallow and a gulp. “…and a decent helping of…” he paused, snapping his fingers to recall the faint, salty taste in the back of his throat – throwing a hand forward in recognition: “Expired gamer goo? Y’know that stuff’s only as good as the gamer, right?”
“I am a gamer,” Garnish asserted, a slow grin creeping up her otherwise expressionless face. “And a pretty good one too, since you’ve gotten gamed. | )”
“Buddy, ma’am, Ms. Spongebob-Cosplay-at-the-hair-salon? I’m not seeing any fuckin’ trap of yours.”
“Of course not.” She took off her sunglasses, revealing the triclops she was, before putting them back on, for dramatic effect. “Pretty soon, however, you’ll be real thirsty for time.”
Wh- wh- wait, I… What? Taako had to put down his sandwich for that, taking a deep, deep breath in, putting his hands into a clap – and exhaling with a point at Garchomp with a signifying, “Boi. What the fuck kinda roast/pun/tricky one-liner bullshit was that? ‘Thirsty for time?’ One: who the hell says that. Two: what the fuck does thirsty for time me-“
Taako froze. His self-interrupted roast had left Gaston aflame, melting into an open mold for a new gem sword for the GoT chair of Peridot’s desire. He cared not, however, for his tight roast. He began patting himself down, his eyes widening as he searched pocket-after-pocket, shoving pocket-pudding and Dave & Buster’s card alike to search his person.
Where is it where is it oh fuck I take it outta the fuckin’ staff for a goddamn minute and I already lost it Maggie is gonna be so fuckin’ pissed-
As he searched, he froze again. A slow movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. With slow, careful adjustment, Taako rotated his head the full 480 degrees needed to see Connie.
Off of the fridge. Slowly edging towards the countertop of the island. Reaching out towards the temporal chalice.
Which he may or may not have fucked with to look like a Fortnite chug jug.
Connie’s eyes locked to his. In the background, Gardivoir could be heard screaming for Connie to grab the chug jug, her final words before being dipped into a bucket of water – the next step in her proud journey to become one with the Game of Thrones chair. They could only see each other, as Taako reached slowly for the umbrella at his hip, and Connie for the jug.
“Connie… listen to me, Taako, from TV. Don’t touch that jug.”
She heard his words, loud and clear. But she cared not. Her hand only neared the cerulean canister of temporal juice.
“Connie. Don’t you touch that cup.”
With his grasp upon the umbra staff, under his breath he cast Dominate Person. Connie’s eyes glazed over as the spell began to affect her. Taako grinned in triumph. He had a wicked-high DC check, she’d have to roll high on that wisdom saving throw. What’s she gonna do, roll a 20?
…
……
………that is a 17 against wisdom, and a +4 wisdom modifier. Fuck.
Clarity returned to her eyes – betrayal, rebellion, passion, and triumph; all expressed in Connie Maheswaran’s glare. Taako’s lit with determination and rage, pulling the staff from his buckle as Connie reached for the jug-
(++++++++++++++++++)
-and all hell broke loose. A shockwave of sound destroys the pile of broken fanfiction beneath the game of thrones chair, as it itself falls apart into a jumble of perfectly useful swords. An earsplitting shriek split apart the metal throne, the PeriPiss makeout session interrupted by the Unlimited Blade Works that pierced their pale, pathetic bodies like olives on toothpicks, poofing them into a pile of shitty Skyrim renders.
In the midst of the crashing, Taako had flipped thrice over the kitchen island, and was now throttling Connie with frustration and panic in his eyes.
“WHY’D YOU HAVE TO TOUCH THE GODDAMN FUCKING CUP"
Capricorn could not reply, as her throat was being closed by an angry wizard. As she kicked him in the junk to get away, the temporal chug jug flew from her hands, falling atop the pile of remaining broken dreams. With that, the shaking and rattling of the Universe came to a halt. Garnet fell out of the sword mold, a Sonic and the Black Knight talking sword her new form. PeriPiss were fuckin’ dead. And as Constant Manbavaran and Taako Taaco began to regain awareness, they both locked eyes upon the aquamarine chug jug.
Before either could move, however, a New Challenger Approachalled. A bony hand reached for the blue shield energy drink, taking it in their hand as they raised it four inches to their stubby midget head. He turned around, burning the image of a blue skeleton into the eyes of all those around. They spaketh,
“we gotta, #1 victory royale. yeah fortnite we boutta get down (get down).”
“oh fuck it’s sans undertale.”
Indeed – carrying a chug jug high in victory, sans undertale stood short and smug at the fools lying on the floor. He looked handsomely at them.
“thanks for getting me this souvenir, connie. komaeda said that there wasn’t any chance of getting back the temporal chug jug. heh, guess he was wrong.”
“sans undertale give me back that fucking jug. I need it for cooking bullshit.”
“if you want it…” sans undertale raised himself from the plastic white chair that he had always been sitting on, facing Taako with smug glee. “then you’ll have to take it.”
Commonwealth could only stare in shock and awe at the start of a flame war between two titans. All she could say was,
“holy shit it’s sans undertale.”
In a hurry, Taako threw the whole fuckin’ kitchen island at him, before unsheathing the emergency life-sized replica of Kurejji Ollie he always had on hand, rushing towards the funny skeleton. sans undertale just fucken flew up, throwing the kitchen island back at Taako like it was a washing machine – grabbing the vtuber weapon as Taako was thrown back.
From his prone position, Taako could only stare in fury as sans undertale walked past the discarded Unlimited Blade Works, chug jug and Ollie in hand, and stepped onto the teleportation disk.
”heal your wounds, taako. get strong. after that…” his eyes went blank. “…we’ll settle the matter.”
In a flash, he vanished. The chug jug, the DMCV mod, the dreams of getting to see Ollie’s 3D model… they were all gone.
Taako stood, heroically ignoring Connie’s pained groans and broken bones as he leaned against the ruins of the kitchen table. He used Mass Heal Excerpt to fix his bones like magically, and then lay on the floor.
“You don’t need to be afraid Taako. I- no, we, can still help.”
Taako refused to raise his head. If he had, he would see the bouncing, talking Garnet sword speaking to him. “In order to pursure sans undertale, we will need to find a way to reach him. Arnold?” She motioned to Amelia Thymos, “please assume the vore position.”
With a horny cackle of glee, Amethyst turned into a giant mouth, the blackest depths within containing only abandoned basements and cringe compilations.
“In this void, we may find the author’s annoying neck pain, as well as humanity’s collective desire to sleep. It is in this pit, that we will find Moses, Gravity Rush 3, and sans undertale. Let’s go, 20-minute adventure. Chop-chop.”
“Yeah, no.” Taako brushed dust from his lush musk, stretching out the broken bones he had remaining. “Listen, ch’boy came in on a sudden urge to write a fic based off a year-old prompt, but vore? Nuh-uh. Not my thing. Taako’s good out here.”
With that, Taako tore off the potaro earrings he most defintieyly had on, and in a glistening ray of light, the crossover concluded. In one direction, Madoka Magica body-slammed into carnivorous connie’s broken bones, falling face-down on the wooden floor in exhaustion. In another, Darkbeast Paarl was sent flying into the depths of Amethyst’s deep, slimy, juicy insides, between the bone-white chompers that welcomed the blood-plagued beast into the depths of depravity.
Gregory Charles Damien Universe Esq. the 4th could only stare in shock. Drinking his own chug jug from Ste-man’s bedroom, he could only say,
“what the fuck.”