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According to Midgard’s most commonly used calendar, Loki had been living with the Avengers for the better part of five months. It wasn’t a place he’d ever expected to find himself, and it was nothing he’d ever planned. But there was too much bad blood for him to continue as he had been on Asgard, and despite his heritage, he had no real connection to Jötunheim.
So, following Thor’s suggestion—and a surprising amount of support from Clint—the Avengers made room for him in their lives. Clint had been quick to explain, loudly and repeatedly, that Loki hadn’t been in control of himself during his invasion of New York. That he’d seen Loki’s broken body, seen how drastically his behavior had changed after Hulk had gotten his hands on the God.
From there, Natasha joined his side, and the rest were quick to welcome him, to varying degrees. Natasha, Clint, and Bruce had been friendly from the day he moved into the tower; they invited him to movie nights and communal meals. Steve had been slower to become friendly. Still, one day he found himself in a long conversation about strategy and tactics, and how things had changed in the seventy years that Steve had spent frozen. After that, all manner of topics became standard fare between them, and they would discuss art and history alongside strategy. Steve was ever enthusiastic to hear tales from other realms.
Anthony had been the last to warm up to him, but the others had been quick to assure him that Anthony was “just like that.” It wasn’t something that he should take personally. Then, one afternoon, with no obvious catalyst, Anthony had appeared in his doorway with a shout of, “Severus! What can you tell me about Carbonadium?” Loki had followed him down to his lab and told him all he knew about the metal.
Loki’s seidr was thrilled by his newfound friendships. It curled around him in excited sparks, rapidly adapting to the humans’ emotions and brain waves. He was more than a little bit surprised by how eagerly it had aligned with them, and how much of their emotions he was able to glean as a result. Humans were the sort of creatures that kept their emotions simmering at the surface. They were so willing to share their feelings with his seidr, and he’d never met a species that felt so freely.
The downside of his attunement to, and affection for, the humans, was that their negative feelings would prickle his seidr, leaving it worried . It would urge him to check on them, unwilling to rest until it knew for sure that they were safe.
The worst of those urges surfaced where Anthony was concerned. Worst because it was nearly constant. Even before he and Anthony had become proper friends, his seidr had grown concerned. It made him want to reach out, to touch, to let his seidr dive below the surface to see what was ailing the human so.
Because even when he was in the same room as Anthony, he could never tell what, if anything, was wrong. He’d seem fine, laughing and joking, or else focused on whatever he was doing, but never obviously upset, or sad, or angry.
It came to a head one evening. Loki had been settled in his armchair, reading a collection of Midgard’s folktales, when his seidr had panicked beneath his skin. Whatever was wrong with Anthony was very wrong.
“JARVIS, are you there?” Loki knew the tower’s “A.I.” was omnipresent, but he struggled to treat him as nothing but a tool.
“How can I assist you, Mr. Liesmith?”
“Where is Anthony?”
There was a brief pause before JARVIS answered. “Mr. Stark is currently in his lab. Is everything all right?”
Loki frowned. “I’m not sure. Does he seem well to you?”
A longer pause. “All of Mr. Stark’s behaviors and biometrics are well within normal parameters. Is there something specific I should be on the lookout for?”
“Possibly. Could you,” Loki paused. Anthony had told him what this function was named, but he couldn’t recall it. “Could I speak with Anthony?”
“I will see if he’s amenable. One moment, sir.”
Sooner than he’d expected, Anthony’s voice sounded from the walls, accompanied by machinery sounds. “What’s up, Lokes?”
He allowed himself a private smile at Anthony’s nickname for him. “I’m actually hoping to ask after your wellbeing, Anthony.”
The machinery sounds ceased. “I’m fine, why?”
“A… feeling, I suppose. Are you sure you’re all right?”
Anthony laughed, “A feeling, huh? Yeah, I’m good. Never better. Just fine-tuning my repulsors.”
Loki frowned. His seidr had never reacted this strongly before. But while it was more difficult to tell from this distance, nothing Anthony said felt like a lie. “You’re certain?”
“What the fuck, Loki?” Anthony’s tone was clipped, irritated. “I said I’m fine. Drop it.”
“Very well,” Loki conceded. “I apologize for interrupting your work.”
Anthony didn’t reply, and their connection cut off.
He would respect Anthony’s wishes, and wouldn’t pry any further.
He knew he was lying even as he thought the words, his seidr swirling in distress. His friend was… Suffering? Ill? Upset? He couldn’t parse out any of Anthony’s emotions. They were just swirls of negativity that bled into each other until they were a homogenous blur of wrong.
Loki’s attempts to learn more from his friends was frustratingly fruitless. No one else had noticed anything off about Anthony. And these were some of the most observant and attentive humans Loki had ever met—not that he had gotten to know many. However, he was confident that they were still far above average in this regard.
Maybe Anthony was fine?
The next evening was just as bad as the last, if not worse. Loki had to calm himself down from panicking before seeking JARVIS’s aid again.
“I’m still fine, Loki.” Loki had no need for his seidr to read Anthony’s anger at his prodding.
“I understand that you want me to leave you alone—”
“So why won’t you?”
“I…” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “I am concerned about you,” he offered. “Would you be willing to meet with me for a few minutes?”
“Are you serious?”
He could picture Anthony’s expression. The man hated to be interrupted when he was working.
“Please, Anthony.”
The walls were quiet for several long seconds, and Loki wondered if Anthony hadn’t cut their communication again. “Fine, if it’ll get you to leave me alone.”
That ached for reasons that Loki didn’t understand. Still, he relaxed a little when Anthony gave him a common room to meet him in.
Anthony was already in the room when Loki stepped out of the elevator.
“There, see, I’m fine,” he said as soon as Loki arrived.
And while it was true that he looked fine, Loki knew he couldn’t be. The maelstrom of negativity was churning as vigorously as ever. However, he could feel Anthony’s aggravation towards Loki overlaid over the rest.
Desperate for answers, Loki moved closer, reaching out for Anthony’s arm.
“Woah, hey!” Anthony evaded his touch with a sidestep. “What are you doing?”
Loki pulled his hand back. Anthony had never been shy about his dislike of touch. He’d never witnessed anyone, but Bruce and Colonel Rhodes touch Anthony.
“My apologies,” he struggled to explain his forwardness, even just to himself.
“Dude, fuck your apologies,” Anthony snapped, taking Loki aback. “What is it gonna take for you to get that there’s nothing wrong with me?”
His seidr squirmed at Anthony’s words. He was distressed, wanting nothing more than for Loki to just believe him.
“I’m worried about you.”
“Why?” His frustration was easy to read. “What makes you think there’s anything wrong in the first place?”
Loki swallowed. There were very few who knew how his seidr liked to attune itself to those it cared for. His mother, Thor, and Odin were the only ones he’d ever willingly told.
And now he was going to add Anthony to that list.
He explained in a rush, confident that Anthony could keep up. Anthony didn’t seem thrilled by the prospect of Loki’s ability to read his emotions. Loki stressed that he couldn’t read minds, or hear thoughts, or anything of that ilk. It really was just a surface impression of what someone was feeling. And that his seidr was very insistent that Anthony was feeling very badly.
“Well, sounds to me like your seidr is on the fritz. You should get that looked at.” At least Anthony seemed less stressed by Loki’s abilities after he’d explained them thoroughly.
Unease settled into Loki’s chest. There was something that Anthony wasn’t sharing. “We’re friends, aren’t we?” he asked quietly.
Anthony sighed. “Yeah, we’re friends.”
“Then please, Anthony, trust me.”
He held Anthony’s gaze until the other man looked away with a huff. “Alright, maybe I’m not great. But there’s nothing to be done about it, so whatever. Still no point in worrying about me.”
Loki frowned. Not because of Anthony’s admission, but because at no point had he been lying . He honestly believed that nothing was wrong, even after admitting that he wasn’t doing “great.” Whatever was happening to him, he didn’t feel like Loki should worry.
But the negative feelings were damn near constant, and Loki couldn’t just not worry. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”
Anthony’s irritation spiked again, but he didn’t close himself off. “I’m just tired. A lot. Like, pretty much always.”
He blinked. That was all? “You’re having trouble sleeping? I can help you with that.”
“Nah,” Anthony shook his head. “Getting more sleep won’t fix anything. Like I said, nothing to be done about it, I just need to deal with it better.”
“Even if you can only “deal with it,” you don’t have to do so alone. I’m willing to shoulder this burden with you if you might allow it.”
Anthony didn’t answer, but he didn’t seem put-off by Loki’s offer either.
“Have you been having nightmares?” Loki hedged.
“I mean, yeah,” Anthony shrugged. “And those don’t help, but that’s not really the issue.”
Internally Loki all but cheered. Anthony had finally admitted that there was, in fact, an issue. Even if it wasn’t important, and no one needed to worry about it, because Anthony was fine. Somehow Anthony believed all of that.
“Then, what is the issue?” Ordinarily, he would feel guilty about working so hard to wear a friend down like he was. But he couldn’t let Anthony suffer. Not only because his seidr wouldn’t allow him to, but because he wanted Anthony to be hale.
“Sometimes,” Anthony relented after several more minutes of coaxing, “the Arc Reactor hurts more than usual.”
“It hurts you?” Loki asked.
Anthony nodded, feeling defeated. Once he started talking, a floodgate opened, and he couldn’t stop. He admitted that the Arc Reactor affected his breathing, his pulse, his movement. That he was so much more susceptible to infections and illness now. That most nights, he couldn’t find a comfortable position to sleep. And even when he did, the blue glow would give him nightmares. Even worse were the times that he’d wake up, and all the blue light around him would remind him of the wormhole. And for a few seconds, he was always convinced that he was actually still in space and that the last few years had been nothing but an oxygen-deprived hallucination.
Suddenly Loki could separate more of Anthony’s emotions. Guilt. Fear. Anxiety. Self-loathing. Anger. It overwhelmed his seidr, and it rippled under the influx. The understanding just made him want to help all the more.
“I can help with your sleep,” he told Anthony again. “There are ways to allow your sleep to remain dreamless.”
“Yeah?” He had Anthony’s attention, although it was apparent the mortal was trying to temper any expectations.
“I also might be able to do something about the pain,” he offered without taking even a second to consider the consequences. “It would require me to touch you, though.”
Anthony took a half-step back. “Why?”
“Through touch, I’m sometimes able to glean very surface-level thoughts.”
“I thought you said—”
“It’s why I don’t often touch others. It would also allow me a better insight into what’s happening to you, both physically and mentally. I could have a better idea of what to focus on so that I might help.”
“What about the dreamless sleep thing?” Anthony asked. “Do you have to touch me for that?”
“Not at all,” Loki shook his head. “I can make you a potion.”
He watched Anthony shift uncertainly, scratching at his arms as he considered Loki’s offer. “Alright, yeah. I’ll give the potion a try.”
By the next morning, Loki had finished said potion and delivered it to Anthony in his lab. He explained that only one or two drops in a glass of water would be needed and to start with just one. “Taking too much won’t be lethal,” he assured the man, “but it will cause hallucinations, and impair your ability to process things happening around you.”
Anthony gave the vial of honey-colored liquid a cautious look and promised to follow Loki’s usage directions.
Loki knew as soon as the potion began working for Anthony. His seidr allowed him several days of calm while Anthony got the rest he so desperately needed.
He also knew the second that something went wrong.
Anthony didn’t wait for Loki to seek him out the next morning. Instead, he came down to Loki’s room and pressed the vial back into his hands. He was grateful, honestly, but waking up to a panic attack from the Reactor shifting just so was worse than the nightmares.
Loki did his best to accept Anthony’s wishes and left well enough alone for the next several weeks. He knew the situation was getting worse, though, and watching Anthony go longer and longer without sleep wasn’t doing anyone any favors.
Besides, the issue was going to start affecting Anthony’s work soon. Either in his position at his company or else his position as Iron Man.
Honestly, Loki was struggling to understand why this bothered him so much. Anthony was his friend and ally, of course. But he was never so preoccupied with the wellbeing of his other teammates. Not that he had much experience with close relationships like these. Still, even allowing for that, this seemed like too much care to put into one person.
Regrettably, but not unexpectedly, Loki found himself to be correct. Thanks to one Doctor Victor Von Doom, a portal had opened over Central Park. Predictably, the creature that he’d unleashed upon New York City was too much for the mortal to control. Typical.
He hadn’t been at the site of the fight. Per Thor’s agreement with the Avengers, he had stayed behind, watching as the battle unfolded. Steve had taken care of Doom himself, leaving the others to handle the beast.
Everything seemed to be going relatively smoothly. Right up until Anthony had been just fractionally too slow to dodge a swing of its tail.
Anthony was struck down, hard.
In the split second before he hit the ground, Loki heard Anthony’s thoughts turning to him. Heard his mind crying out his name. Heard his prayer.
Moments later, the monster the Avengers had been fighting was gone, Loki having appeared in the Park. He didn’t care about that, though. His attention was entirely on seeing the extent of Anthony’s injuries.
Said injuries were concerning enough that the others were quick to get him to the tower’s medical bay. Loki hovered near the door, uncertain of his welcome as Doctor Cho looked over his friend.
It didn’t take her long to present her diagnosis. According to her, Anthony’s injuries weren’t all that severe. Several of his ribs were bruised, and his right clavicle was cracked.
Loki felt that he and Doctor Cho had very different definitions of what constituted a “severe injury.” He struggled to keep his frustration to himself. She was the one who was familiar with humans and how they healed. But still, several of Anthony’s bones were broken!
Soon Anthony was awake and joking with his friends. Loki could feel the way the other Avengers calmed and relaxed at his behavior.
But with every joke and every assurance all Loki could hear was Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies! He could taste them on the air, cloyingly sweet, and it felt like he was drowning in them. He had never had this strong of a reaction to someone’s lies before.
“You don’t have to keep hanging out here, Lokes, I’m good.”
Anthony was resting. Loki didn’t want to start any confrontation that would put undue stress on the mortal’s mind or body. So he did his very best to remain calm as he explained that they both knew he wasn’t okay.
Anthony just rolled his eyes. “Of course I am. You heard Cho.” Lie.
“I can taste your lies, Anthony.”
The mortal stared, startled. Belatedly Loki realized that what he said must have been incredibly strange from a human’s perspective.
“Why do you think I’m called the God of Lies?”
“I kind of assumed you were just an amazing liar,” Anthony gave him half of a shrug, wincing at the automatic movement.
“Both are true,” Loki said.
Anthony sighed softly, too exhausted to keep up the facade. “I have to be okay.” That wasn’t a lie. “I can’t slip, Lokes. Ever. I’m Iron Man, damn it.”
“You’re also human,” Loki gentled.
But Anthony just shook his head. “Humanity’s not a luxury I get.”
The rest of Anthony’s maelstrom slotted into place. Anthony felt weak, like a failure. As though he could never, and should never, be allowed the slightest bit of vulnerability.
Loki had no idea how to even begin addressing those feelings. Of course Anthony was human—and was allowed to be so. Why wouldn’t he be? But Loki set his confusion aside. This topic would be too difficult for Anthony to try to work through in his current state.
“May I help you rest?” Loki asked instead. Anthony tensed at the suggestion, but after a moment, his entire body slumped.
“Yeah, alright. Um. Please.”
That Anthony let Loki step close and briefly touch his fingertip to his forehead was a testament to his exhaustion and pain. He kept the contact as slight as possible, but a cluster of Anthony’s emotions bubbled to the surface all the same. Emotions buried so deeply that they had been completely drowned out by all of his negativity.
Appreciation, fondness, affection, trust.
Anthony trusted him.
With Cho’s expert assistance, Anthony was back up and about in fewer than forty-eight hours. She allowed him to leave the medical bay only under the condition that Anthony would continue to rest.
Surprising no one, Anthony broke that promise the moment he was free. But he didn’t get much chance to misbehave before Loki started monitoring him in Cho’s stead.
Loki agreed that he could work in his lab so long as he didn’t do anything physically demanding. And, should anything physically demanding become needed, Loki would help.
They passed their time together quietly. In a way. Anthony was dictating to JARVIS while writing and drawing and inventing. Yes, Anthony was human, but it was evident that he held himself to a much higher standard than that. But he also tended to meet said standards. Loki was starting to understand at least part of the man’s turmoil.
Even better, while the swirl of negativity hadn’t left, Loki was also starting to pick up brighter emotions. Anthony was having fun. He was proud of what he was doing. He was in his element in a way that he didn’t seem to be any other time. Bright and alive and vibrating with joy. His tongue kept falling behind his mind, but JARVIS didn’t seem to have any trouble keeping up. Their synchronicity born from years of collaboration.
His seidr thrilled in Anthony’s happiness.
Loki loved him.
He blinked, the thought surfacing unbidden. He what? He… loved Anthony? Where had the idea even come from? He didn’t love anyone. But something about it made sense. The way that his seidr wrapped itself around Anthony’s mind so quickly and so readily. The warmth he felt when he had Anthony’s attention in turn.
Loki crossed the lab without meaning to, coming to a stop next to Anthony’s desk. Anthony gave him a curious look but didn’t seem bothered by Loki’s proximity. He was quick to return to his project, leaving Loki to observe up close.
After several minutes Anthony pushed his chair back from his desk, although he didn’t seem to be finished. His attention turned to Loki instead. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” Loki replied quickly, by rote.
“Oh, how the turntables,” Anthony teased. Loki knew he was making a reference to something, but he wasn’t familiar with the source.
“I’m not sure,” he corrected. “But I think I’m all right.”
Anthony was no less confused, but he was smiling and fond. Loki wanted to reach out and touch him. Wanted to see if there was any possibility that his feelings might be returned. But Anthony didn’t like being touched, and certainly wouldn’t appreciate Loki touching him now that he knew of Loki’s abilities.
Even standing this close, though, Loki could pick up how relaxed and happy Anthony was. His open posture and smile reiterated that.
“I’m glad your injuries weren’t worse, and that you’re recovering so well.”
The mortal chuckled, “You and me both. Thank God we have Cho around to put us back together.”
Then Anthony shifted, his emotions changing rapidly. “So, the others told me about what happened after I got hit.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, you just showed up and took out that alien thing just like that,” he snapped his fingers. “Why not just do that from the start?”
“I couldn’t have.”
“Why not? Long casting time?”
“No, nothing like that.”
Anthony’s curiosity was nearly palpable. He sat forward, looking up at Loki, waiting for the God to share what had happened.
Loki wasn’t sure how Anthony would take the truth. “It was only possible because you prayed for my help.”
Anthony laughed hard enough that his shoulders shook. His hand reached up to stabilize his shoulder while he wheezed through his humor. But when Loki didn’t join his laughter, Anthony sobered, tilting his head. “I don’t pray,” he insisted. “So, that’s not what happened.”
The God merely shrugged. “That’s what it felt like, and it’s how I responded to it. So I’m afraid we’ll have to call what you did, “close enough,” don’t you?”
“Don’t get used to it.” Anthony wasn’t upset. He was bewildered, but not angry or offended.
“I’ll do my best,” Loki replied wryly.
He couldn’t tell Anthony that he loved him. The words wouldn’t happen. Instead, what came out was, “Thank you for letting me help.”
“Thank you for helping.”
There was no way that Anthony couldn’t tell that something was happening between them.
“Speaking of,” Anthony started, his eyes turning back to the pages he’d been working on. “You said you might be able to help with the Arc Reactor? If I let you touch me?”
“I did, yes.”
Anthony wet his lips before forcing himself to look at Loki again. “Okay. Go ahead.”
Loki reached out slowly, giving Anthony plenty of time to change his mind. He closed his eyes as he cradled Anthony’s cheek. Anxiety uncertainty trust fondness fear trust pain affection trust.
The human might not be feeling love, but there was so much else there that Loki didn’t mind. He was letting Loki help him, and that was even better.