Chapter Text
Devi asks him to marry her on a Wednesday.
It starts out like any other day, to be honest, although Ben doesn’t know when he wakes up that it’ll be seared into his mind for the rest of his life, like a brand on his memory, a rusty nail sticking up from the floor.
It starts, as it always does, with a phone call.
He’s in his office running over some minor discrepancies in the hospital account (well within the expected threshold, to be honest, it was inhuman to expect everyone to keep perfect records of everything, and besides, he always worked it out, so he wasn’t worried) listening to some Paganini, when he gets the call.
It’s Eleanor, and he’s a little confused, because while he and El are pretty good friends (they’d grown up together and had been initially wary of each other before circumstance tossed them together) she doesn’t normally call him on a random Wednesday.
“El,” he says, shoving his papers away as he picks up the call. “What’s up?”
“I was wondering if you would want to meet up for lunch?” she asks.
He leans back in his chair, tapping at its arm. This is...unusual, to say the least. Not unusual for him and El to have lunch, but definitely unusual for her to ask him on a Wednesday. And there’s something in her tone that makes goosebumps rise on his skin.
El’s a fantastic, phenomenal actress, of course, but she can’t lie. And, the tone worries him. It’s that, if for no other reason, that he says yes.
“Uh, yeah, I’d be happy to.” He swivels around in his chair and checks the clock on the wall. “How about Le Bonne Nuit at noon? I get my lunch break then.”
El snorts through the phone. “You better be paying then. I can’t afford that place.”
In spite of himself, Ben smiles. “Yeah, sure. I’ll see you there.”
“Thanks, Ben.” She hangs up without a further word, and Ben stares at his phone, before shaking his head as if to rid all thoughts from his mind, placing his phone back on his desk before getting back to work.
Ben checks his watch as he follows the hostess to their table. El had texted him she was running a bit late, so it is just him. As he sits down, a strange feeling rises up in his stomach, not quite nausea, but not quite nerves either. It’s...worry? He’s not exactly sure how to describe it, only that it’s strong and he can’t get rid of it.
(and he does this, worry, because right now his friends are pretty much all he has, absentee parents notwithstanding, and ben’s terrified of losing them, of not having anyone else to spend time with and rely on. his friends are probably the most important thing in the world to him, and if something was going on with eleanor, then he wanted to help her in any way he could)
Ben opens the menu and orders a bottle of wine—Sauvignon blanc, of course—to their table as he waits for Eleanor to arrive. He’s sipping at his water when he hears Eleanor’s voice a few feet away. He glances up and freezes.
What the fuck was Devi doing here?
So, here’s the thing. Ben’s been in love with Devi Vishwakumar for, oh, probably forever, give or take a bit. In actuality, it’s been about 2 years, but to Ben, it feels like he’s loved her for all of his life, that he’s loved her since before he’s known her.
He couldn’t have helped it. Falling in love with Devi was like water rushing over a waterfall. It was slow, at first, and then picked up speed, and before he even knew what was happening, he was tumbling over the edge, hoping against hope that he didn’t smash against the rocks below.
But yeah, he’s in love with her, and the worst part of the whole situation—for him, at least—is that he knows she doesn’t feel the same way back. He’d be surprised if she considered him a friend, in all honesty. They’re close, through Eleanor, mostly, but close enough so that Ben considers her one of his friends. Plus, they work together, so they see each other occasionally. But Ben’s in love with her, and so he knows her, and he knows she doesn’t love him. Not like he loves her.
It’s not like, her fault, or anything. It’s just a sad, simple fact of the world, and he’s come to terms with it, after two years. There’s nothing he can do about it, besides wait for his feelings to die so he can stop being tortured by them.
(he’ll never admit this to her, will never admit his feelings in a million years, but loving her hurts, like a knife wound to the back, like a wound that wouldn’t stop. he knows this is not possible, but sometimes ben wonders if his heart has been afflicted with hemophilia, if it is unable to clot and stop the bleeding, if he lacks the specific coagulation factor in those cells for platelets, because his heart bleeds and bleeds and bleeds, and he feels the pain all the while)
All of this flies through his brain in an utter panic as he sees Eleanor and Devi approach his table. And despite clearly having come from work, still dressed in her white coat, for god’s sakes, she still looks impossibly beautiful, and his stupid, traitorous heart picks up speed as she nears.
“Hey David,” he smirks, rising as she approaches. “I didn’t know you were crashing our little party. Must be nice to get invited somewhere for once.”
“The only reason I came was because Eleanor said you were paying, Gross, and I’m gonna bleed you dry.” She sits down and flips open the menu, giving him a smirk that somehow stops his heart and sends it racing at the same time.
Ben rolls his eyes as Eleanor sits across from them. “I didn’t know you had friends to have lunch with, David.”
She easily flips him off as she replies, “More than you, that’s for sure.”
“Ok!” El says, clapping her hands. “That is not the point of this lunch at all, so if you two could please stop flirting for ten seconds, we might be able to get to the heart of the matter.”
Ben feels his face explode red and drops his gaze to the menu, not daring to spare a glance at Devi, but Eleanor’s right. This wasn’t about him, it was about her.
He sets his menu down and looks her in the eyes. “So, Eleanor, then what’s the problem?”
Eleanor sighs. “It’s actually not a problem with me, it’s a problem with Devi.”
Ben’s brows furrow. He glances over at Devi, who, suddenly, seems unable to meet his eyes. “You’re gonna have to be more specific, El. I’m sure David here has plenty of problems.”
“Oh, fuck you, Gross.”
“You wish.”
“Guys!” Eleanor snaps. She gets up suddenly, snapping the clasp of her purse shut. “Devi,” she says, “I asked Ben here because time is running out and you were waffling on calling him, and I wasn’t going to wait any longer. Now, you tell him everything. And you, Ben,” she says, turning to him. “Hear her out before you say anything.” She tilts her head up and dramatically flips her hair behind her shoulder. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go run some lines.”
She flounces away without another word, leaving Ben and Devi to stare at her, and then at each other.
Before they can say anything, though, the waiter appears with the bottle of wine that Ben had ordered previously, and takes their lunch orders.
He vanishes quickly, though, and Ben and Devi are left alone.
He tries pointedly to think about how much this is not a date, no matter how much his heart might ache for it to be, because there was no way in hell Devi would ever go out on a date with him. It’s not possible, and so he needs to stop hoping for something that’s never going to be true.
He doesn’t know what to say, really, so he chooses a tried and tested route: pushing Devi’s buttons.
(and if the way she got when she was sniping at him, eyes dancing with mirth, dark and beautiful, skin flushed and the air crackling with energy, was something he rather enjoyed looking at, well sue him)
“How can I be of help to you, David? I mean, no matter what it is, it only makes sense that you would choose me. I am the best, after all.”
Devi rolls her eyes. “Oh, dear god, I’m already regretting this.”
He laughs and crosses his arms. “Can’t regret anything if you haven’t done it, David. Come on, spill,” he nods.
Devi presses her fingers to the bridge of her nose, sighing, and Ben follows the curve of her neck to her shoulders with his eyes, noticing that she seems incredibly tense.
He leans forward and reaches a hand out, awkwardly hovering over her shoulder for a moment before lightly landing on it. “Are you ok?”
She jumps, and Ben pulls his hand away like he’s been burned. Fuck, that was a stupid decision, and he knew it. Just because he’s in love with her doesn’t give him the right to touch her without her consent and practically manhandle her.
Ok, so maybe it wasn’t manhandling, but it was still disrespectful.
“Fuck, sorry,” he mutters. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Or—or touch you.”
Devi shakes her head. “No, it’s—it’s fine. I wasn’t upset.”
Her eyes lock with his, and not for the first time, Ben feels his breath catch in his throat at the swirling depths her eyes seem to hold. In the dark they look almost black, like a black hole, and he thinks he could fall into them and never resurface, but now they look much lighter, almost a burnished brown, like the bottle of a glass, and Ben can’t help but reach out once more, lightly placing his hand on her arm.
“It’s ok, Devi,” he reassures. “Whatever you need, I can help with.”
Devi stares at him, hands fiddling with the napkin, twisting and tying it in her hands, before she drops it and takes her hands in his. “I need you to marry me.”
What the fuck?
He has nothing else to say, so he blurts out the only thing that comes to mind. “Uh, what the fuck?”
Devi sighs, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “I need you to marry me,” she repeats. “My work visa is coming to an end, and the best residency programs are here in the States. I’ve reapplied, but it was denied, and I’ve already overstayed my visa by about 100 days, so I need to find a way to stay in this country, now. And the easiest way to do that is by marrying someone.”
“And you want to marry me?” he says dumbly. He feels like he’s been hit over the head with a sledgehammer. There was absolutely no way the girl he was in love with had just asked him to marry her. It’s not happening. Seriously. His brain might explode if he thinks she’s being serious.
Devi smirks. “Thought you would’ve been a bit quicker on the uptake there, Gross.”
Oh, they’re back to insulting each other. Ok, good. That, he can do.
“I mean, I just have to say, I’m really flattered, David. Honestly, I know I’m the obvious choice, what, with me being such a catch and all, and we all know you’re obsessed with me.”
She sticks her tongue out at him as their food arrives. “You wish, Gross.”
He winks at her as he picks up his fork. “Looks like my wish came true.”
Devi groans, dropping her head into her hands. “Ok, please. Just, give me an answer. Will you do it?”
He swallows, setting down his utensils and covering her hand with his. “Ok, Devi, just to be clear, you’re asking me to marry you, in a green card marriage, so you can get your green card and stay here in the US to apply for residency programs.”
She nods. Underneath his hand, her hand flips over and laces their fingers together, and he thinks his heart thuds to a stop in his chest.
Ben sighs. This is a big decision, and honestly, he’d rather he marry Devi than anyone else, but—does she know what she’s getting herself into?
“Devi,” he says quietly. “This is a massive decision. Do you know what you’re getting yourself into? We’re going to have to live together, and spend most of our time together to pull this off. We’ll have to learn everything about each other and fabricate a backstory that’s believable. And,” he adds, smiling slightly, “you won’t be able to date. Though I don’t really think that’s a problem for you.”
Devi makes a face at him and smacks him in the chest. “God, you’re insufferable,” she mutters.
He raises his eyebrows. “Not wrong, though, am I?”
She stabs her fork at her food. “No, no, you’re not. But I did think about all of that, Ben, and I still came to the same conclusion. I want to stay here, and I want to marry you so I can do it.” Her gaze softens, and for the first time since he’s known her, she looks vulnerable, like she’s opening up an old wound. “You’re my friend, Ben. I trust you. Please? Can you help?”
(and this is the moment when ben knows he’s going to say yes, because not only was he in love with devi, he was her friend, and he’d do anything for his friends, anything at all, and besides, how could he ever even dream of refusing her when she looked at him like that, like he was the only thing she needed?)
Ben swallows roughly. Fuck, he’s pathetic, isn’t he?
“Yes. Yes, of course, Devi. I’ll help you. I’ll marry you.”
She smiles at him them, a bright, genuine smile that sets his heart racing, and from that moment on, he swears that he will do whatever possible to draw that same smile out of her, to make her look at him like that, like everything in the world paled in comparison to what was in front of her.
“Thank you. Really, thank you.”
“You’re my friend, Devi,” he says quietly, unable to look her in the eyes. “And plus, your other friends are here as well. I wouldn’t want to be the reason you can’t stay here with them.”
He wants to stab himself, because he was so dumb, fake marrying the girl he was hopelessly, hopelessly in love with so that she could get a green card. And he isn’t foolish, because he knows no matter how long this marriage might last—and if Devi has anything to say about it, it probably won’t be long—he knows he’s never going to be able to be with someone else ever again. He’s known it from the moment he fell in love with Devi, that she was it for him, and that he’d never be able to love someone else.
(it fucking annoys him, the way everyone says ‘love is patient and kind and honest’, because ben can tell you that love is not like that, thank you very much, love is painful, and it cuts you open without a care in the world, it eviscerates you and tears you to pieces with its claws; love is not the lure of true love’s kiss, but the wolf, lurking in the woods, ready to pray on unsuspecting victims. perhaps it is bold, but love is also selfish, because ben is selfish right now, marrying her so he can have her to himself, so no one else could do this for her. was there anything good about love? was there anything pure about it? it was painful, and it hurt him, and he, for the first time in his life, understands the legend of troy, how love and pain can be so intricately intertwined)
Sometimes, he hates himself for it, but there’s nothing he can do.
He loves her, plain and simple, and if he has to pretend not to love her, then so be it. He’ll do anything for her, anything at all, and breaking his own heart isn’t even an option when the other one is losing Devi.
He smiles at her then, tries to be reassuring, although he’s aware he probably just looks a bit constipated. “So, why exactly did you choose me? Was it because of my dashing good looks.” He gasps, snapping his fingers together as if something’s just occurred to him. “Or are you secretly a gold digger and is this a ploy to get all of my money?”
“Keep that shit up, Gross, and you won’t make it to the altar.”
Ben pouts at her, propping his below on the table, chin in his hand. “Oh, you shouldn’t talk to your fiancé like that, Devi.”
“I fucking hate you.”
He gasps. “I’m really not feeling the love right now.”
She rolls her eyes at him. “I’m already regretting this.”
Ben laughs. “So, when do we start planning the wedding?”
She smacks him with her napkin in response, but she’s laughing as well, and despite the ache in his heart, Ben knows he made the right decision in saying yes to her.
(and if this fills some lonely, painful part of him, being married to her in nothing but name but loving her in every fucking sense of the word, then he’ll take it. he’ll take what he can get. loving her is like a disease, like a sickness he can’t kick—she hadn’t meant for him to fall for her, hadn't had any malicious intent, but—this love—it’s a virus, warping his cells and taking him over, making him simply the host to an infection that ravages him without any other choice. her smile is like a vector, gracing him with beauty while infecting him, making him love her. loving her is the most painful thing he’s ever done, and yet, he can’t stop, the disease so firmly entrenched in his body it’ll never die)
She’ll never love him in the same way he loves her, he’s sure of that, he knows that, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help her, can’t be there for her in whatever way she needs. And besides, they’re already good friends. He doesn’t need anything else from her, and he won’t, he won’t , ask for anything else from her. If he hurt her, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself.
Ben tells himself that it’s ok she doesn’t love him back—as Devi chatters on about her day, and the annoying patient she currently has, and he admires the way her hair shines under the light, the way her eyes sparkle—to reassure his bruised heart. He tries to nod along and smile with her, enjoying this time he gets.
He doesn’t believe it, but he has to. He has no other choice.