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“Just stay,” Jimin whines. Taehyung ignores him, pulls Jimin’s shirt over his head. “You used to stay.”
Something seizes in Taehyung’s chest, halts him where he stands gripping Jimin’s shirt like a lifeline. He seriously considers giving in, stripping off his own clothes, crawling into Jimin’s bed like he used to. Even curling into the heat of Jimin’s body, passing it off as innocent affection.
He misses that, misses the softness of it, how safe he felt, how loved. He hates himself for how he feels now, knows if he gives in now, it’ll ruin everything. All he wants is to fall into Jimin’s arms, like he used to.
Taehyung can’t anymore; he’s too worried about what late night confession might slip past his lips, worried he won’t be able to keep his hands to himself. He’s loved Jimin forever, but now he’s in love with him, and it’s too risky.
“Stay and touch me,” Jimin whispers, and Taehyung’s heart thumps wildly in his chest. It’s exactly the invitation he’s been hoping to hear for months, what he’s been fantasizing about, but there’s no way he can trust it right now.
He runs his thumb over Jimin’s cheek, but says, “You don’t mean that.”
“TaeTae please,” Jimin begs, hands sliding over Taehyung’s shoulders, and Taehyung shivers, closes his eyes.
“You’re drunk,” Taehyung says sternly, hoping to put an end to it. He says it as much to himself as he does to Jimin, reminds himself that it would be taking advantage if he stayed. Taehyung’s trying to put space between them, physically and metaphorically right now. He knows in the morning Jimin won’t remember, or will pretend he doesn’t, and Taehyung can’t handle that.
“Why don’t you ever want to be around me anymore?”
The question rips Taehyung’s heart out, because he never wants to hurt Jimin. He’s selfish and stupid and doesn’t know how to stop loving Jimin this way, and space is the only thing that’s keeping him from confessing everything.
“Jimin-”
“I could be all yours, you just have to ask,” Jimin says, and his words hang in the air as Taehyung sucks in a breath.
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Taehyung finally manages.
Jimin steps in closer, brushes Taehyung’s hair out of his eyes. “I think I do.”
“Then say it again when you’re sober,” Taehyung tells him, and it comes out harsher than he means. Jimin moves back, obviously wounded, and Taehyung hates himself for it. Before he can change his mind, he turns and leaves, shutting the door behind him.
~
Jimin doesn’t say it again. It’s just as Taehyung thought, that he was lonely and horny, and Taehyung was there. Convenient. It makes him ache, how much he wishes it were true, wishes Jimin wanted him like that.
And Jimin remembers, he must, because now there’s something between them, a rift, and it makes Taehyung sick to his stomach. Should he have just given in, stayed with Jimin? It would have hurt so much worse if he had and Jimin had changed his mind once the booze wore off. He had to say no, had to protect himself.
Taehyung’s doing a shitty job of hiding how much it hurts, too, because Hoseok corners him one night in his room.
“What happened with you and Jimin?” he asks.
Taehyung considers him for a moment, thinks about denying, lying, anything to avoid this.
Instead he starts crying.
Hoseok is there in a heartbeat, wrapping him up, and Taehyung tries to pull himself together. Hoseok sits them on the bed and holds him, waits until Taehyung can speak.
“I’m in love with him,” Taehyung manages.
“I know,” Hoseok says, and Taehyung swallows hard, pulls away to stare at him.
“You know?”
“We all know, Taehyung-ah. How could we not?” Hoseok says kindly, petting Taehyung’s shoulder.
“Then why doesn’t he know?” Taehyung laments.
“Are you sure he doesn’t?”
“So he knows but doesn’t feel the same,” Taehyung says, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks.
Hoseok wipes them away, tilts Taehyung’s chin so they can look properly at each other. “So sure about that?”
“He only wants me when he’s drunk,” Taehyung tells him, the memory of their last encounter still burning fresh in his mind.
“Maybe he’s only brave when he’s drunk,” Hoseok points out. “I think you two need to talk.”
“I can’t risk it,” Taehyung says quickly, fear threatening to choke him.
Hoseok must sense the panic rising in him. “Okay, it’s okay. Maybe later, when-”
“When I’m a little braver? When I can pull myself together?” Taehyung spits, immediately regretting getting that way with Hoseok, who’s just trying to help. “I’m sorry.”
“I know,” Hoseok says. “What are you going to do?”
“What I have been doing - nothing. What else can I do?” Taehyung says hopelessly. He can tell Hoseok wants to urge him to do something, but he’d never push. Instead he sits with Taehyung until he stops crying, holds his hand, stays until he falls asleep.
~
Weeks go by and Jimin and Taehyung are friendly, but it’s not like it was. Taehyung’s not sure what to do to fix things, and he hates it. He doesn’t know if he should have just given in to Jimin that night, if that would have made it better or worse. Either way he’s convinced it’s his fault, for either being too scared to try or for falling in love in the first place.
He didn’t mean to fall in love with Jimin, and he’s not exactly sure when it happened. What he knows is that he’s loved Jimin from the moment he met him, just knew there was something about him, and something in his heart said yup, you love him.
But he’s not sure when that turned from loving him like a friend to realizing he couldn't live without seeing him every day. When it turned into occasional jealousy when Jimin would flirt with someone else, when it became panic inducing to think that Jimin might fall in love with someone else and he’d be left alone, with his other half removed.
It’s this kind of thinking that has him pulling away, not just from Jimin, but everyone. Cutting them all out so he can’t get hurt. The kind of thinking that leads to bad decisions.
He doesn’t usually drink much, but he’s miserable and just wants to stop going around in circles about it. He has dinner alone, has been doing that for several nights, not wanting to talk to anyone because they might figure out what’s wrong. Even though Hoseok said they all know already. Which hurts worse somehow. He feels like the laughing stock, the pathetic loser who can’t control his stupid feelings and is ruining everything between them all.
He drinks his soju faster than he should, drinks more than he should. Unfortunately it just makes him feel worse. That’s where Jimin finds him, at the kitchen table by himself, laying his spinning head down on his arms.
“Tae?” he asks gently, nudging Taehyung’s shoulder.
Taehyung raises up and glances quickly at Jimin before putting his head back down.
“What are you doing?” Jimin wants to know, placing his hand on Taehyung’s shoulder again.
“Having dinner,” he says, gesturing to his empty plate. There’s a long silence, in which Jimin is probably assessing the situation, the moodiness, the empty soju bottles. Taehyung feels pathetic, wishes Jimin would just leave him to his misery.
“Are you… okay?”
Taehyung stands suddenly, unsteady on his feet.
“Hey, whoa. I got you,” Jimin says, moving under Taehyung’s arm to support him.
“No, you don’t,” Taehyung tells him, and Jimin flinches but doesn’t let go, doesn’t move. Holds him a little tighter, in fact. Taehyung tries not to melt into him. It feels like home, the way they fit together like this, like they always have.
“Why do you have to be so difficult?” Jimin snaps, and it’s Taehyung’s turn to recoil. He forgot for a second that he was trying to push Jimin away, he let himself have something that isn’t his. Taehyung tries to struggle out of Jimin’s hold but Jimin won’t let go. “Let me help you!”
“Maybe I don’t want your help,” Taehyung grits out. Jimin holds him tighter still.
“Taehyung-ah,” he says, softly now, and it drains all the rage out of Taehyung. “Why are you pushing me away?” A few seconds tick by, then, “I miss you so much.”
Taehyung feels like all he’s done lately is cry, but he can’t seem to hold back, he’s too drunk to keep it together.
“My baby,” Jimin murmurs, and Taehyung gives in, collapses into Jimin’s body. “Let’s get you to bed.”
Jimin helps him down the hall, into his room, and sits him on the bed. He pulls Taehyung’s shirt off and Taehyung shivers, wants to reach out but even his drunk brain knows better. Jimin tugs off his shoes and gently eases him out of his pants.
“Lie back,” Jimin directs, and Taehyung struggles to get properly in bed, slides under the covers. He barely notices Jimin removing his clothes at first, but once he does he can’t tear his eyes away. Jimin crawls into bed after him and pulls Taehyung close, the heat of their bodies burning him.
“I’ve got you,” Jimin says gently, petting Taehyung’s hair, and Taehyung lets out a shaky breath. He struggles to keep his eyes open, wants to stay in this moment forever, but the alcohol catches up and he drifts off.
When he wakes up, he’s still in Jimin’s arms. He’s afraid to move, doesn’t want this to end, but he really has to pee. He slowly starts to extricate himself from Jimin’s embrace, doesn’t want to disturb him, but Jimin stirs, blinks his eyes open.
“Tae? How are you feeling?” he asks, voice gruff from sleep.
“My head hurts,” Taehyung says, and it does, it’s pounding. “I have to pee.”
“Come back,” Jimin tells him, and Taehyung nods.
He gets to the bathroom, relieves himself, looks for something for his headache but comes up empty. Nervously he shuffles back to his room.
Jimin’s sitting up, sheets pooled around his waist. He gives Taehyung a small smile, then pats the spot next to him.
Taehyung swallows hard then gets back into bed, but can’t look at Jimin right now. He’s afraid everything he feels is written too plainly across his face. He’s ashamed of how he’s behaved, of what a mess he was last night. Part of him is terrified that he did something, said something already. Maybe Jimin will let him down easy.
“I scared you,” Jimin says suddenly, and Taehyung turns to him.
“What?”
“That night, a few weeks ago. I told you what I wanted and it scared you. And now you don’t want to be around me,” Jimin explains. “I never meant- I guess I thought you felt- I don’t know what I thought.”
“Jimin-”
“I wish I’d never said it. I didn’t know it would- I didn’t ever want to chase you away. You’re like, the most important person to me and I can’t live with the fact I fucked it up.”
“Why couldn’t you have just said it when you were sober?” Taehyung asks, staring down at his hands where they’re twisting in his lap.
“What- what do you mean?” Jimin wants to know. Something in his voice is setting Taehyung on edge.
“I didn't want to be just a drunk fuck to you,” Taehyung says.
“Is that what you thought?” Jimin whispers, and Taehyung’s heart aches right now.
“Yes,” he admits.
“TaeTae how could you think that of me?” Jimin sounds wounded and it crushes Taehyung.
“You never- why can’t you want me when you’re sober?” He feels pathetic and small, and he can’t look at Jimin.
“Taehyung-ah, I do. I’m just too scared…” Jimin trails off.
“Did you think I’d say no?” Taehyung asks. “How can you not know? How can you not know how I feel?”
“That scares me, too,” Jimin admits.
“That I’m in love with you?” Taehyung asks, finally bold enough to say it out loud. He’s got to say something, they’re got to fix this. He can’t live without Jimin.
Jimin nods, Taehyung can see it out of the corner of his eye. He reaches out, takes Jimin’s hand, and they sit there in silence.
“I can try to stop,” Taehyung offers finally, and it’s the hardest thing he’s ever said, the biggest lie, because he knows he’ll never stop loving Jimin, never ever.
“Don’t,” Jimin whispers, and he squeezes Taehyung’s hand.
“I’ll do whatever you want me to, you just have to tell me,” Taehyung says. He hears Jimin hiccup and looks up, sees he’s crying. It’s eviscerating, the last thing Taehyung wants, and even though he’s not sure he should, he pulls Jimin to him, his head against his chest. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me right now. Whatever you want, I’ll respect it, you know I will, right?”
“I want to tell you,” Jimin says against Taehyung’s skin, and Taehyung rubs his back, waits. He can wait forever if he has to. He’s holding his breath, he realizes, because he’s not sure what it is that Jimin wants to tell him. Jimin sits up and sniffles. He looks right at Taehyung. “Will you kiss me?”
A small, relieved laugh huffs out of Taehyung. “You want me to?” Jimin nods, and Taehyung takes Jimin’s face in his hands. He brushes his tears away with his thumbs, then leans in, presses a light kiss to Jimin’s soft lips. Jimin lets a shaky breath out through his nose, then he cups the back of Taehyung’s head gently, hand running down to his nape. Taehyung shudders at the touch.
Jimin breaks the kiss, presses his forehead against Taehyung’s. “I can’t believe it.”
“Hmm?” Taehyung answers, eyes still closed, heart racing in his chest. His hands drop to Jimin’s naked shoulders.
“I finally kissed Kim Taehyung.”
Taehyung laughs, opens his eyes. Jimin’s staring back at him, a faint smile on his lips. “How was it?”
“Perfect. It was perfect.”
“God I’m so in love with you. I’m sorry if that’s scary, but I have to tell you. I want you to know that you’re precious to me and I don’t want to be without you. And if you change your mind and don’t want to kiss me ever again I’ll pretend I don’t love you. But I always will,” Taehyung tells him quietly, honestly, and it’s terrifying and liberating all at once.
Jimin’s crying again, but Taehyung thinks it’s not out of sadness, and Jimin’s suddenly in his lap, kissing him hard. He licks into Taehyung’s mouth and presses him back against the mattress, whimpers.
“Jimin,” Taehyung gasps.
“Taehyung-ah I’m so sorry,” Jimin says. “I should have just said it.”
“You still can,” Taehyung urges, stomach in knots.
“My baby,” Jimin whispers, gently kissing Taehyung again. “I love you.”
Taehyung moves, bracing Jimin as he rolls them over, settles between Jimin’s thighs. “You really do?”
“So much,” Jimin admits, smiling brightly, and Taehyung has to kiss him again. He can’t stop, doesn’t want to, especially once he feels Jimin getting hard against his hip. Jimin pulls away, face flushed. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You think I haven’t wanted this, too? That I haven’t wanted you like this?” Taehyung murmurs, and he shifts so he can get a hand between them, cupping Jimin’s cock. Jimin hisses, presses up into Taehyung’s touch. “I wanna make you feel good.”
“Yeah, okay,” Jimin agrees, then laughs. His laughter is cut short by Taehyung disappearing under the sheet, moving down Jimin’s body. He tugs Jimin’s underwear down his thighs, runs a finger up the underside of Jimin’s dick. “Oh god.”
Taehyung licks him from the base to the head, then takes Jimin into his mouth. Jimin’s hands skim over his shoulders, then up into his hair. Taehyung slowly bobs his head, tongue working over Jimin’s length while he does. He wraps his hand around the base, sliding it with his mouth, and Jimin moans, body flexing.
Jimin can‘t stop twitching when Taehyung’s tongue flicks over the head, and Taehyung tastes him leaking into his mouth. Taehyung’s so hard, pressing himself against the mattress, rubbing against it for some kind of relief. Jimin gasps and Taehyung moans around him, making Jimin thrust up into his mouth.
“Sorry, sorry,” Jimin apologizes. Taehyung slides his hips for friction, so turned on he can barely think straight, and he takes Jimin as deep as he can, swallowing around the head. “Oh god Tae. I can’t… I’m close,” he warns.
Taehyung moans again, speeds up just a little, and Jimin is tense under him, pelvis rocking ever so slightly. Jimin’s breathing hitches and his stomach clenches as he comes over Taehyung’s tongue, down his throat. Taehyung laps at him greedily, doesn’t want to pull away. Jimin gets overstimulated though, twitching while Taehyung licks him, and he eases Taehyung off.
Taehyung crawls back up the bed and Jimin pulls him in, kisses his numb lips desperately. “That was… fucking amazing,” Jimin says against his mouth. Taehyung’s trying really hard to keep from digging his cock into Jimin’s hip, doesn’t want to insist upon reciprocation, but Jimin reaches down between them and presses the flat of his hand there.
“Jimin-ah,” Taehyung whines, and Jimin smiles fondly at him.
“You’re so hard,” Jimin says, sliding his palm up and down Taehyung’s length. “You want me to make you come?” he purrs.
“Holy fuck,” Taehyung groans. Jimin’s words make him ache for it. Jimin moves them so Taehyung’s on his back, and he stretches over him to the nightstand where his lotion is. Jimin puts some on his hand, rubbing his fingers through it to warm it.
“Take those off,” Jimin instructs, gesturing to Taehyung’s underwear, and he sheds them quickly. Jimin straddles his thighs, then reaches down, encircles his dick with his slick hand. Taehyung can’t help but press up into the touch. “So sensitive,” Jimin marvels.
“Been thinking about this…” Taehyung admits, voice breathy to his own ears.
“Have you?” Jimin says, voice low. “Tell me.”
“Thought about you and- fuck, Jimin- would come so hard,” Taehyung manages.
“You wanna fuck me, Taehyung-ah?” Jimin asks while he strokes him, words full of promise, and Taehyung moans.
“Would you let me?”
“You’d fill me up so good,” Jimin tells him, and Taehyung thinks he’s going to lose his mind. “So big, you’re going to feel so good.”
“F-fuck,” Taehyung swears, hips stuttering.
“I bet it’ll feel so tight for you,” Jimin teases him, and Taehyung bites his lip, and feels his impending orgasm spiking. “I wanna see you come so bad.”
“Oh god!” Taehyung moans, spilling onto his stomach.
“That’s it, so good for me baby,” Jimin says, working him through it. Taehyung struggles to catch his breath as Jimin slides off of him, grabs a t-shirt off the floor to gently wipe Taehyung clean. “That was so hot.”
Taehyung nods frantically, trying to quiet the thundering of his heart. Jimin climbs back onto the bed and Taehyung reaches for him, hauls him in close. Jimin snuggles his face into the crook of Taehyung’s neck, pressing a few kisses there.
“This is the best day of my whole life,” Taehyung murmurs, feeling sleepy all of the sudden. Jimin giggles, presses closer still.
“Tired?”
“Mmmm,” Taehyung responds, eyes closing.
“Wanna sleep a little?” Jimin asks.
“Only if you stay,” Taehyung says, and Jimin squeezes him.
“I’ll stay.”