Work Text:
Hush
Its okay
Dry your eyes
Cause soulmates never die
Placebo - "Sleeping With Ghosts"
Dabi doesn't know how long he's been standing there, just staring into the dark, empty hole. The building is collapsing around him, his world is collapsing around him , but it doesn't feel real.
It felt like a nightmare, one of those horrible, horrible nightmares.
He urges himself to wake up. He blinks like he does when he has a bad trip and starts seeing shit, thinking maybe the bloody body in the ruins will disappear like his hallucinations.
It doesn't.
Dabi's hands shake at his side, there's people running past him into the room, climbing through the wreckage to the body. He can't make out their faces. They're talking and shouting but he can't understand anything they're saying. He just stares at the blood, the dozens of stabwounds, the empty eyes…
His soulmark throbs, aches. It burns so painful he can't even feel his own fire. The colors drain out of it, turning the sun symbol, Jin's mark, a bleak gray.
It's hot. So hot.
He's burning.
Everything's burning around him.
Collapsing.
He failed…
Useless .
.
He doesn't remember leaving the mansion, or remember burning everything and everyone that was in his way. He doesn't remember feeling the pain of his flames boiling him from the inside out, peeling away his flesh, he doesn't remember feeling anything.
He remembers looking for Hawks, because it had to be Hawks, but the snitch flew off right after killing Twice and Dabi couldn't find him.
He remembers, vaguely, searching and burning and searching and burning, then collapsing on the ground somewhere.
Then he's cold. He's shivering, can see his own breath. Face down on the ground, everything hurts and not just physically. Something in him aches and twists and rips into shreds.
He wants to die there.
But there's a voice, a flash of blond, empathetic gray-blue eyes, soft hands.
"Dabi, get up. You have to get up."
.
His mark feels numb.
Theres voices around him as he sits on the floor, staring at a crack on the wall of the place they'd taken shelter in. It looks like the scar on Jin's head.
"...Shouldn't be alone…"
" ...can't exactly lock him up."
"He's irrational…"
"... look at him, he doesn't even seem to know where he is…"
He doesn't…
"Dabi, dabi, hey… look at me." Someone's close to him, speaking right next to him. He slowly turns his head to see blue eyes. Jin? … no, no… its Sako… not Jin… Jin's… he's…
"You need to eat and drink. It's been days, Dabi. You're burned, and you have an infection, you need to eat or you'll keep getting weaker. "
Weaker.
So weak already.
There's a plate in front of him and a glass of water. Stale bread. Some kind of canned meat and instant noodles.
"Dabi, fuckin eat." Tomura snarls, "think we wanna lose you too?"
Probably.
He let them all down again.
Jin's gone because he wasn't strong enough to save him.
Failure.
"It wasn't your fault." Sako tells him, "it wasn't... You did your best to save him."
His best wasn't enough.
"Is he even listening?" Tomura is asking above him, "he looks like he's about to lose consciousness again."
He smells cigarette smoke.
"He needs to eat, if he doesn't he's going to get worse." Shuichi says, "his burns are serious, he can't fight the infection if he's not taking care of himself."
Jin's cologne.
"How do we get through to him? Jin always was able to, and he's…" Toga's voice breaks, a small whimper follows, muffled by her sleeve.
His soulmark tingles.
Fingers brush through his hair but don't move it, cold breath on his skin, whispers in his ears.
"Eat, baby. You need to. Please."
Dabi's fingers are shaking, trembling as he reaches for the bread. Its hard to chew, hard to swallow. His throat is closing up on him. He vaguely registers moisture running down his cheeks, the soft sobs escaping him, tearing their way out of his chest.
"Dabi?" Someone's speaking, someone there, someone alive. "Dabi, are you okay?"
He only hears Jin.
"Don't cry, love. I'm here, I'm always here… soulmates never die."
.
He's lying on a filthy mattress. He doesn't know where he is, remember how he got there, why he's naked, why his spine hurts and his wrists are sore. He knows why… but he doesn't care.
He loops a belt around his upper arm, flicks the needle. He doesn't feel it going into his veins, doesn't feel anything.
Something white moves to his left, a soft "stop this" but when Dabi looks over, no one's there.
The sun shape on his chest tingles again, still that dull gray, the light snuffed out when Jin vanished.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Why not?" He speaks into the empty room, resting his head against the wall. He doesn't bother leaving, or moving, or getting dressed again. He doesn't care what happens to himself anymore, he doesn't have the motivation to care anymore.
"Get out of this place, love, they're looking for you." Jin's words float in the air, echoing, "everyone's waiting…"
That's what he told Jin, right before he lost him, failed him.
"You didn't fail me."
"I'm sorry." He chokes, head falling into his hands, "forgive me, I'm so sorry."
"Dabi… you… you didn't do anything wrong."
"I failed you. I couldn't save you… i… i was too weak, again . I'm… I'm sorry." He curls up on his side, shivering, sweating. He wraps his arms around himself, wishing the ghostly fingertips touching his back felt solid. Real. Alive.
He doesn't want to be alive anymore. He wants to be with Jin.
"It's okay, dry your eyes… soulmate, dry your eyes."
The door opens, someone curses, runs towards him. He closes his eyes, tenses up in expectation, ready to be grabbed, pinned down, have more and more taken from him until there's nothing left.
It doesn't happen.
"Guys! In here!" That's Shuichi, he thinks. Textured hands touch his arms, pull his chin up, try to get him to open his eyes. "Dabi, you hear me?"
"Fucking hell, again?" Tomura curses, a stomp of his foot, the anger masks the concern and fear in his voice, "he high?"
"I think so… we gotta get him out of here, he's just gonna keep using and being taken advantage of. We can't leave him here." spinner says, his cold hands brushing back Dabi's hair, "gimme something to cover him until we find his clothes. He's shaking."
A warm coat is draped over him, smells like Tomura.
"Don't puke on that."
.
"You aren't leaving here anymore," Sako tells him, "you'll get killed or overdose out there."
Dabi's dressed in a t shirt and boxers, lying in bed when he wakes up. He's covered in bruises and scrapes, still high, confused, exhausted.
Everyone's looking at him.
"We don't wanna keep finding you like this," Toga says, "Shu thought you were dead."
Spinner looks away, letting out a shaky breath. There's tears in his eyes, "we… can't lose anyone else."
"You're staying here, with us." Sako repeats.
"Shoulda been me." Dabi mumbles. His words are slurred, mouth dry and throat raw and scratchy. He feels empty inside. A part of him is missing, he can't go on like this. "Shoulda been… he… i should have died instead."
It's a selfish thought, because then Jin would be hurting, but he can't help it. He can't do it anymore. It hurts too much.
Shigaraki grits his teeth, "Dabi, no… it shouldn't have been you. It shouldn't have been Jin. No one should have died."
"You guys don't need me… you need Jin… i need Jin."
"I'm here. Soulmates never die."
"Hes gone… hes gone, and it's my fault."
Dabi wishes God had taken him instead. Would take him now. He'd do anything… anything just to see him again.
.
His chest hurts. His stomach growling and clenching. His mark feels sore, thobs like he's been flayed.
"He won't fucking eat!" Shigaraki's yelling downstairs. "He won't eat or drink, won't get out of bed! He won't even talk! Some leader I am, I cant do a thing!"
Sorry, Tomura.
He sneaks out without being noticed, the others all yelling and arguing, worrying and fretting. Hes only making things worse.
Useless
Selfish
Waste
He's given up, on everything. Even those goals he held so high, because what will they accomplish. He can't undo the past, can't fix what was broken, can't bring back the dead, and revenge isn't enough anymore. He's not strong enough to even get it.
Weak, like Father always said.
He gives up trying.
He finds an alley, surrounded by trash he feels like he fits in. A stray cat rubs against his legs, eyes blue-gray like Jin, furr a soft yellow.
He pets the cat as he strolls past him, then leans against the wall, knife in hand, pressed against hos wrist.
"What are you doing, love?"
The cat stares at him.
"I can't anymore." He whispers, squeezing his eyes shut, "i can't do it without you. Im too weak."
"Stop that. You're strong."
"I should have saved you!" He yells, the cat jumps, dashes off into the darkness and he sobs, the sound echoing.
Something moves to his left, sees a figure out of the corner of his eye. It looks like Jin.
He's gone when Dabi looks over.
"They'll miss you, Dabi." Jin's voice sounds so soothing, so soothing it hurts, "Don't do this."
"Im… I'm sorry." The blade digs in deeper into the scar tissue. He can't feel it. Nerves are too damaged to feel. He drags the knife down, arm opens up, red spilling over purple. "Im sorry. Im selfish, weak… i can't do it anymore. I know theyll hate me for this, but i can't…"
"Dabi…"
"I should have done better… should have tried harder… I'm…" tears roll down his face as he watches the blood pour, its all around him now. He feels lightheaded. His soulmark aches . "I didn't deserve you."
"I love you. You know that, right? I know we never said it to each other, but i always loved you."
"Everyone who loves me gets hurt. Everyone who gets close to me gets hurt. I'm not… i wasn't supposed to get close to any of you, and i did. I love you, and you're dead… 'cause of me."
"It's not because of you."
His eyes slide closed, there's a weight beside him, a touch on his shoulder. His fingers are numb. He's cold and the blood is so warm, it doesn't hurt.
"I'll look for you… we'll find each other…" he whispers, eyes cracking open. He swears he can see Jin's face. "In another life, we'll find each other, right?"
"We will…" soft fingers wipe away his tears, everything slows down, he's falling. Someone's holding him, Jin's holding him. His mark doesn't hurt anymore.
"I'll look for you."