Chapter Text
"We should break up."
Kiyoomi expected that his words would be followed by silence, but the fact that he predicted it isn't actually making the situation any more bearable. It's not ony that Atsumu has stopped talking; it's also as if the whole world has gone quiet around them, wanting to eavesdrop on the conversation between the two. Even the wind has died down, the leaves on the trees not rustling anymore. Kiyoomi finds himself hating the complete quietness, because with no other sound to focus on, the only thing his ears catch is the sound of his own heart beating rapidly inside of his ribcage.
When Kiyoomi looks at Atsumu after a few seconds, finally collecting enough courage to do so and tearing his gaze away from the ground, he sees Atsumu looking straight back at him with wide eyes, his brown orbs filled with utter confusion and shock. His mouth is hanging slightly open too, and his eyebrows are raised high, creating creases on his forehead. The expression doesn't suit Atsumu at all, Kiyoomi decides. It's different from every face Kiyoomi has ever seen him make, no matter where it was on Atsumu's wide scale of expressions, ranging from a stupid over-confident look to the one of a theatrical misery. This is just way too raw, way too pained, and Kiyoomi hates himself for being the cause of it.
"Huh?" is Atsumu's response, and it's seemingly the only thing the man could think of after the minute-long silence that stretched between them.
"We should break up," Kiyoomi repeats, more clearly now. He doesn't let any emotion seep into his voice, keeping it neutral and detached, as if breaking up with Atsumu was the easiest thing ever, while in fact it's the complete opposite. Atsumu doesn't have to know that though. It's better if he thinks that Kiyoomi doesn't care.
"I knew your sense of humor was kinda shitty, but this really ain't funny, Omi-kun," Atsumu says, chuckling, but Kiyoomi can see right through the useless attempt to turn this situation into a joke. He thinks that, maybe, Atsumu hopes that this is just a joke in the end. Sadly for both of them, it's not.
"I'm not joking," Kiyoomi tells him, forcing himself not to look away from Atsumu's eyes. It proves to be one of the hardest things Kiyoomi has ever done. "I'm breaking up with you, Miya."
This time, it takes only a second before Atsumu reacts, his eyebrows furrowing as frustration overtakes the surprise. "Oh, second name basis, I see," he bites out, and when he takes a step closer to Kiyoomi, Kiyoomi stands his ground, not moving away despite the pain in his chest steadily growing. "What's this? What're you trying to do?"
"It's what it is," Kiyoomi says, still keeping the eye-contact. "We agreed to just try it out. We did. It didn't work out-"
"It didn't work out?" Atsumu gasps, repeating Kyioomi's words back to him. "It was working out great 'til now. I thought we were alright- you never even said that something was wrong!" Atsumu raises his voice a little, his feelings getting the best of him as he speaks. "Why didn't you just talk to me if something was wrong?" he asks then, realizing that something must have been off, since they are having this conversation.
"I'm telling you now."
"You-" instead of continuing, Atsumu takes a few steps back again and runs both of his hands through his hair, letting out a frustrated exhale. He focuses his gaze on his surroundings instead of Kiyoomi for a while, visibly collecting his thoughts, and Kiyoomi just watches him quietly, his chest physically hurting at the sight. "Okay... Okay," Atsumu mutters to himself, trying to calm down and sighing once more before turning back to Kiyoomi. "Can you just tell me what's up?"
"Nothing. I simply don't feel like doing this anymore," Kiyoomi says, willing himself to sounds as emotionless as he possibly can. He's doing this for Atsumu, so he can't let his own emotions get in the way. In the end, this is the right choice, even if it doesn't feel all that right at the moment. "I take you for a professional, so I believe this won't affect our teamwork on court." The more Kiyoomi talks, the more Atsumu breaks in front of him. It's something Kiyoomi doesn't want to look at, but forces himself to; he deserves to witness the pain he's causing. "I'd appreciate if-"
"What did I do?" Atsumu interrupts him, his voice barely a whisper, but it makes Kiyoomi stop talking anyway. It also makes him lose his breath momentarily, because hearing Atsumu sounding so broken is enough to shatter his composure. Kiyoomi doesn't let it show though, his eyes still stone cold and impassive as he stares back at Atsumu. "It's something I did, right?" Atsumu asks, and Kiyoomi bites the insides of his cheeks so hard that it could draw blood. He doesn't want Atsumu thinking that it's his fault, not when Kiyoomi is the one at fault. "C'mon, Omi-kun. Just tell me." When Kiyoomi doesn't say anything, Atsumu takes it upon himself to continue, saying everything that comes to his mind, "Look, whatever it is that I fucked up, I'm sorry, okay? I'll fix it, just don't end things with me like that. Don't do this to me."
This isn't going anywhere, Kiyoomi thinks. The longer this conversation is, the more painful this whole thing gets. Kiyoomi kind of hoped that Atsumu would agree to break up without argument - maybe with a little tantrum because his pride got hurt after being dumped, but otherwise without much trouble. After all, doesn't Atsumu see that this isn't working out? They are way too different to be together in an actual relationship. Maybe they are good now, but it would all break apart in the future - they need to end it before it gets serious, and Atsumu should understand it. Kiyoomi is giving him a way out, an opportunity to leave, so why is Atsumu not taking the chance? Why does he keep on arguing with Kiyoomi on this? He can't possibly be blind enough to overlook the fact that they would only hurt each other more if they kept dating. And if he is, then it's Kiyoomi's job to end things, to be the smarter one out of the two.
It's not that he doesn't like Atsumu, no. In fact, Kiyoomi thinks that he might like the man a whole lot, however bizarre it sounds, even to Kiyoomi himself. He never imagined that he would feel such a strong affection for someone, much less for Atsumu of all people, but he guesses that some things aren't ruled by logic, and this is the proof. When Kiyoomi thinks about it now, however, he supposes that he should have listened to his brain instead of his stupid emotions when it came to Atsumu, because if he did, he wouldn't have to be in this difficult situation. He wouldn't have had started dating Atsumu in the first place either, because while his heart was all for the decision to say yes to Atsumu's confession, his brain knew it was going to end badly.
Atsumu wasn't meant to be with someone like Kiyoomi, and Kiyoomi knows this now. He deserves so much more than Kiyoomi can offer.
"Kiyoomi, talk to me," Atsumu whispers, voice breaking, and Kiyoomi thinks that he's breaking along with it. Hearing Atsumu saying his whole name instead of the stupid nickname isn't helping either. "Come on, Kiyoomi, just-"
"There is nothing else to say," Kiyoomi talks over him, glad that his voice didn't betray him. "I just don't want to do this anymore, and that's it. I'd appreciate it if you accepted it and moved on." When Atsumu just continues to stare at him, Kiyoomi decides to deliver the final blow. Maybe if Atsumu hates him, he'll just forget about him quicker. "I thought you had more pride in you than that, Miya. This is getting pretty pathetic, don't you think?"
"...The fuck's wrong with you?" Atsumu basically spits the words, and it's only a second later that Kiyoomi sees his eyes glistening with tears. He wonders if Atsumu is crying because of frustration or sadness. Or both. "You're acting like a dick, but I know you're not one."
"You don't know me," Kiyoomi says, narrowing his eyes at Atsumu. "So don't act like you do."
"Y'know what? Fine," Atsumu finally, finally exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. "Fuck you, Kiyoomi. If you don't want to talk to me, don't. I don't care anymore." But Kiyoomi knows that Atsumu does care, and it hurts all that more. "Also, you don't have to worry about volleyball; I won't screw up my career just because of some asshole." And with that, Atsumu turns around with a scoff after glaring at Kiyoomi for the last time. "See ya at practice."
Kiyoomi watches him walk away, looking at his retreating form until Atsumu is no longer in sight. Just then, when Atsumu is long gone, does Kiyoomi let his body relax, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. His hands hurt from how he had them balled in fists for the whole time, hidden from Atsumu's eyes inside his pockets, but Kiyoomi refuses to think about it. Instead, he turns to the opposite direction and slowly starts walking home too, eyes trained on the road ahead of him. With every step his body feels like it's in more pain than before, but Kiyoomi ignores it and continues walking, telling himself that he did the right thing. They weren't good for each other. They would eventually hurt one another, and it would be more painful than a break up after a few weeks of dating. Kiyoomi did the right thing, for both of them.
But then, why does it feel like it was anything but right?
Kiyoomi has a hard time falling asleep when he gets home despite being as tired as one can possibly be. It's late, and he has to wake up early for morning practice, but no matter how hard he tries, sleep just isn't coming to him. It isn't all that surprising that he can't fall asleep, on the other hand. After all, how can he be anything else than wide awake when his head is full of never-ending string of thoughts? Overthinking is something Kiyoomi does more often than not, so he is pretty much used to not being able to fall asleep at night, but right now, with his whole body hurting from the mental pain he has brought up upon himself, he would welcome the sweet embrace of sleep more than ever before.
Kiyoomi wonders if Atsumu is awake too. He probably is. Atsumu stays up pretty late almost every night no matter the situation, but Kiyoomi guesses that even if Atsumu really wanted to get some more sleep than usual today, he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Not after what happened this evening. Kiyoomi is sure that Atsumu still keeps blaming himself for the break up, walking around his apartment in the dark while wondering what he did wrong, unaware that there is nothing he should be blaming himself for. Kiyoomi wishes he could tell him the real reason behind the break up, explain that it's all his fault and not Atsumu's, but he knows how it would end; with Atsumu saying that they can figure it out, that he's okay with things being like they are. But it's not okay. Atsumu can't be okay with how things are, definitely not. He might think he is, for the time being, but if they kept on dating, Atsumu would realize that their relationship has no future, and what then? They would date for god knows how long, and it would still end the same as it did today. At least now they spared themselves additional pain thanks to Kiyoomi's decision.
Kiyoomi was selfish enough to chain Atsumu down to him for a month just because he liked him so much, but he couldn't let it continue any longer. He could see how he deprived Atsumu of so many things, and he could no longer be inconsiderate enough to keep at it simply because he liked the man. It's not fair to Atsumu.
I did the right thing, Kiyoomi tells himself as he blankly stares at the ceiling above him. Atsumu deserves better.
Atsumu deserves someone who would go out with him and have some fun, not someone who hates crowds and would only ruin the mood if they are persuaded to join in end. Atsumu deserves someone who will be proud to be with him, not someone who decides that it's better to hide their relationship. Atsumu deserves someone who would return the affectionate gestures, not someone who has a problem with mere hand holding or kissing. Atsumu deserves someone normal, not someone like Kiyoomi. It doesn't matter if Kiyoomi likes Atsumu; some people are just not made for each other, and attraction isn't enough to hold the relationship together. Atsumu might be angry at Kiyoomi now, but thanks to Kiyoomi's decision to let go, he will find someone who is more fit to be with him.
Yes, I did the right thing, Kiyoomi tells himself again, rolling to the other side of his bed and closing his eyes, attempting to fall asleep yet again.
It doesn't help that the moment he closes his eyes, he sees Atsumu's crestfallen expression behind his close eye lids.
Atsumu doesn't talk to him before practice when they are in the changing room. He doesn't even look at Kiyoomi for more than two seconds, and honestly, Kiyoomi should be happy; after all, this is what he wanted, right? But instead of feeling happy, he feels like dying inside. Atsumu wholeheartedly ignores his presence, instead talking to Bokuto and Hinata about some new video game with a smile on his face, and Kiyoomi is left watching from afar, glancing at the man from time to time because he just can't resist. When their eyes meet accidentally, Atsumu looks away immediately, and Kiyoomi feels his heart sink into his stomach.
You wanted this, Kiyoomi repeats in his head as he focuses on changing to training clothes, forcing himself to stop paying attention to Atsumu. It proves to be difficult, especially when he hears Atsumu's laugh only a meter away, hears his voice as he talks to literally everyone but Kiyoomi - not like Kiyoomi is surprised. It's just that it's unusual that Atsumu is not all over him like he always is, or that he is not riling him up with every chance he gets from the moment Kiyoomi steps in the changing room.
It will take some time to get used to it, that's all.
When practice starts, Kiyoomi forces himself to focus solely on volleyball. Not only he is a professional and has to take this seriously, but he also told Atsumu not to mix personal problems with their career, so he should take his own advice and do the same. They have a great chance to win the league this year, and Kiyoomi refuses to let the chance slip just because he can't contain his emotions.
And really, Kiyoomi is doing great at practice, so great that nobody notices that something is off. Well, at least until he is paired up with Atsumu for a three-on-three game, that is. That's when his composure crumbles a little, especially when he sees the way Atsumu looks away with a frown, his lips forming into a thin line as if being paired up with Kiyoomi was the worst thing possible. Luckily, the only one to notice that something is not alright is Bokuto, who raises his eyebrows questioningly, his big eyes jumping from Atsumu to Kiyoomi in confusion. After all, it definitely must come off as strange when Atsumu is sporting this kind of displeased expression instead of laughing and saying something stupid about being paired with my favorite, nasty spiker again. However, before Bokuto can say something, Kiyoomi frowns at him slightly in warning, and Bokuto shuts his mouth again, understanding the message.
Willing himself to look neutral and uninterested, Kiyoomi walks over to his team that consists of Hinata and Atsumu and comes to stand beside them with his arms folded across his chest. He feels Atsumu looking at him but he ignores it to the best of his ability, reminding himself that he has to look like yesterday didn't affect him at all, like he doesn't care. If Atsumu thinks Kiyoomi doesn't care, he'll move on quicker - at least Kiyoomi hopes so.
During the game, Kiyoomi gets perfect sets from Atsumu, like always. The game is overall great, their teamwork on point, and to an ordinary eye it would look like everything's alright, but Kiyoomi can't help but feel the tense atmosphere the whole time. Atsumu is still loud and he still has his stupid off-hand comments, but he directs his attention to everyone but Kiyoomi, like Kiyoomi isn't even here. Even when Kiyoomi gets blocked, he doesn't receive a jab from Atsumu in any kind of form, be it verbal or non-verbal. It's weird, it's something Kiyoomi definitely isn't used to, but he guesses this is how it's going to be for some time.
And he only has himself to blame.
As always, Kiyoomi is the first one to shower, and also the first one leave. He bids a quiet goodbye to his teammates like he always does and makes his way out of the changing rooms and the gym, hands in his pockets and scarf around his neck as he walks out to the cold January weather. He is ready to go home and wallow in guilt and sorrow much like he did yesterday, but he is stopped by a voice calling out to him from behind. A very familiar voice to be precise, and Kiyoomi shuts his eyes tightly at the sound and stops, his teeth sinking into his teeth behind the mask.
"Omi-kun, can we talk?" Atsumu asks quietly, his tone lacking the usual confidence. Instead, it sounds sad and hopeful, and Kiyoomi truly hates the sound of it.
"I'm gonna miss the bus," Kiyoomi mutters, not turning around. He hopes that Atsumu would say okay and just let him go. Or more like, he prays Atsumu would do that. However, he should know better; Atsumu isn't the one to give up easily.
"You're gonna catch the next one," he says immediately, making it clear that he's not going to let Kiyoomi leave that easily. "Don't act like you have anything better to do. Can't you really spare five minutes for me?" he asks, and Kiyoomi sighs, feeling his resolve cracking. He knows he should say no and leave. He knows, and yet, he can't find it in himself to do it.
With a sigh, Kiyoomi turns around and looks at Atsumu, his eyes widening slightly when he sees that Atsumu is standing there in just his training clothes, his body covered only with shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. "Are you crazy?" is what falls out of Kiyoomi's mouth before he can stop himself, worry and frustration evident in his voice. "You want to get sick? It's January-"
"I wanted to catch you before you leave," Atsumu says, shaking his head a little and brushing away Kiyoomi's concern. "So... can we talk? I promise I won't hold you up too long."
Kiyoomi shouldn't agree to it. He knows that every other conversation will only prolong the inevitable, and with every one of their talks will come a new wave of pain. However, how can he find it in himself to refuse when Atsumu is looking at him with that stupid hopeful glint in his eyes, his lips turned up by the corners in an attempt for a smile? He looks like he's ready to break if Kiyoomi walks away just like that, but what will be different after they talk? Kiyoomi will still walk away just the same, and Atsumu will break just the same as well. Is Atsumu some kind of masochist? First deciding to date Kiyoomi and then this.
"Yesterday I said everything I wanted," Kiyoomi says, and he can see Atsumu's body going tense, the tiny smile he had on his lips falling. "There is nothing to talk about."
"I didn't say everything I wanted," with that said, Atsumu takes a deep breath and with new-found confidence walks over to Kiyoomi, completely ignoring the fact that it's too cold outside to have just one layer of short clothing on. "Isn't it kinda unfair to me, hm? You should at least hear me out," Atsumu tells him, his voice having an edge of humor, but Kiyoomi knows better. After all, it's Atsumu's favorite thing to hide his pain behind stupid humor. "So, you think you could spare me like five minutes?"
"...Whatever."
"So cold, Omi-kun. I thought you liked me a bit more," Atsumu chuckles, the sound so hollow that Kiyoomi feels his heart clench painfully. "Anyway, on Monday everything was alright, and then yesterday it suddenly wasn't. It must be something I did, then, and I really thought about what I did, and I think I know." Kiyoomi wonders just how much Atsumu thought about it all if he found a possible reason for the break up, when such a reason doesn't even exist. "It's because I forced you into that kiss, right?"
"..Huh?" When has Atsumu ever forced himself on him? No such thing ever happened, what is Atsumu even talking about?
"Yeah, I know it was too much. I had told you I'd respect your need for space and I fucked up in the end, and I'm sorry. It's just that- I thought you were okay with it? And I.. really wanted to kiss you then." Atsumu scratches the back of his head and looks away from Kiyoomi, his eyes full of guilt that has no reason to be there. "Anyway, I'm sorry. I won't do anything like that ever again, unless you really want to. So just... give me a second chance, please. I won't screw up this time. I'll be more careful."
If Kiyoomi felt like a complete shit before for hurting Atsumu, now he undoubtedly feels thousand - no, million even - times worse. Not only he has made Atsumu feel like the break up was because of something he did, he also made the poor guy think that it was because of their kiss - the kiss that was the best thing Kiyoomi has ever had the chance of experiencing, the kiss that made him feel that yes, even for someone like him, there is a chance of being loved. And to top it all of, Atsumu thinks he was forcing himself on Kiyoomi with that? How can he think so? Atsumu had asked for permission at least three times before actually kissing Kiyoomi, and even that was just on Kiyoomi's cheek through the mask because Atsumu didn't want to make him uncomfortable.
Atsumu tried his hardest when it came to not breaching Kiyoomi's comfort zone, and yet he thinks he was too forceful with his physical attention? God, Kiyoomi truly feels like the worst person now.
"It.. It wasn't because of that," Kiyoomi stumbles over his words a little, looking down at the ground. He's looking at the pavement with a frown, angry at himself for making Atsumu feel bad for something that isn't his fault. "I told you. You didn't do anything. It's not your fault," he says, trying as much as possible to get it through Atsumu's thick skull. "I just don't want to be in a relationship. It's not because of you. So just let it go."
"How can you tell me to let it go?" Atsumu asks, disbelief lacing his voice. "You can't just tell me that it didn't work out and not give me any reasons why."
"There is no actual reason why," Kiyoomi says. "I just don't want to continue dating, that's it. There's nothing more to it." With that said, Kiyoomi turns away and starts walking toward the bus stop, not being able to continue in this conversation. He feels like it would not end well if he stayed, so this is the best he can do. Walk away. Move on.
"I'll ask you tomorrow as well, Kiyoomi!" Atsumu yells after him, and Kiyoomi just shuts his eyes tightly and continues walking, wishing Atsumu would just stop. Why can't he take all of that energy and find himself someone good enough for him? Why can't he do something more productive instead of chasing after Kiyoomi? Atsumu must realize that they wouldn't work out, especially now when he thought that the reason for their break up was that one stupid kiss.
Atsumu is overly touchy and affectionate, and he shouldn't hold back so much just because Kiyoomi is... different. He should be with someone who will be happy about being touched by him, not someone like Kiyoomi who needs a whole preparation just for hand holding, let alone a kiss. Kiyoomi can only imagine how starved for touch Atsumu was in their relationship, how much he wanted to be at least a bit physical but knew he couldn't be if he didn't wanted Kiyoomi to bolt. It wasn't healthy for Atsumu, and Kiyoomi couldn't just let him continue like that.
The only thing Atsumu is guilty of is having a lot of affection to give, but choosing the worst person possible to give it to. It's a shame Atsumu doesn't realize it, really, because if he did, he could already have a good relationship with someone who is worth it.
Someone who can also give back, not only take.
Just like promised, Atsumu does approach him the next day after practice. And the next day after that. And then again. It's always the same, with the only difference being the place where Atsumu catches him before Kiyoomi has a chance to leave. He wonders if others have noticed how Atsumu always runs off after Kiyoomi - and if they did, nobody says anything about it. Kiyoomi bets it's because aside from always following Kiyoomi after practice, Atsumu acts pretty much normal. During practice, his performance is the same as always. Before practice, he's all loud and obnoxious the way he usually is, and after practice it's the same. There are no visible changes when it comes to Atsumu's behavior, at least not to an ordinary eye, and Kiyoomi has to admit that Atsumu is pretty good at keeping up this everything's alright facade.
A week passes in the same fashion, with Atsumu waiting for him with a wistful smile after the training, and Kiyoomi wonders how it's possible that someone as prideful as Atsumu is going to such lengths for him. Honestly, even when Kiyoomi was thinking about how the break up with Atsumu will go, he half-expected the man to throw a huge tantrum because of his hurt ego and just let it go afterwards. The second outcome Kiyoomi predicted was Atsumu being sad about it on the day of the break up, but being more or less okay the next day, and then being completely unaffected by it by the end of the week. After all, they were together for only a month - give or take - and their relationship didn't even look like an actual relationship. There wasn't much Atsumu could miss about it, is what Kiyoomi thought.
Which is why he doesn't understand why is Atsumu here again, standing in front of the gym in the cold with only his dumb shorts and dumb shirt and dumb damn smile.
"Hey, Omi-kun, can we talk?" he questions, and he sounds a bit different today than before. Kiyoomi can't put a finger on why it sounds different, but he definitely feels it.
"You always ask the same question."
"And you always stay," Atsumu says with a chuckle and leans against the wall, looking Kiyoomi in the eyes as if he was searching for something, his gaze so intense that it makes Kiyoomi shiver. The way he's looking at him today is different, but Kiyoomi can't put his finger on what exactly is different. "But... I'll make it short today. Don't want you to miss the bus, I know you hate waiting in the cold." Kiyoomi hates how stupidly considerate Atsumu is when it comes to him even after Kiyoomi behaved like a complete ass. For how much of an asshole he presents himself to be, Atsumu is really nice underneath the smug attitude. He's still an asshole, but a really nice one. However, Kiyoomi is the last one who deserves to be treated so nicely. "The weather is really shitty today, huh?"
"And yet you stand here dressed like that," Kiyoomi mutters, eyeing Atsumu's bare skin with obvious judgement.
"Yeah, well, I don't mind the cold, you do," Atsumu shrugs, inhaling deeply and then exhaling, as if he was trying to breathe out all his worries. It doesn't seem to work by the looks of it, but Atsumu still proceeds to push himself off the wall, walking up to Kiyoomi with his hands in pockets. He stops only when he's standing right in front of Kiyoomi, so close that Kiyoomi's nose catches the man's scent, a smell so incredibly alluring and enchanting. Kiyoomi should be uncomfortable because of the close proximity between the two of them - and he is, in a sense - but he's feeling more blissful than uneasy right now.
He has always felt this strange content warmth spreading through his whole body whenever Atsumu was close to him, his smell so bewitching that Kiyoomi felt his head spinning in the most beautiful way. Right now though, Kiyoomi finds himself enjoying it even more than ever before, since this is probably the last time Atsumu is so close, the distance between them so small that Kiyoomi can count all of Atsumu's eyelashes.
"You know," Atsumu starts, his lips still curved into that pained half-smile. "I really like you, Kiyoomi." As the words leave Atsumu's mouth, Kiyoomi feels as if he was stabbed in the chest with at least ten knives, and no matter how much he wants to keep his expression neutral, this time it just doesn't work. Luckily, the mask and the scarf he has on covers most of his face, so it's only his widened eyes that give away Kiyoomi's surprise. "I thought you liked me too, but- whatever. The thing is, I like you, a lot-" he makes a pause then, taking in another breath to steady his voice that got a bit shaky. "-and that's why I should respect your decision. You were right, after all."
"..I...was?" Kiyoomi stutters out, his emotions raging. His mind is blank, and the only thing he can do is stare at Atsumu, who is gazing back at him with that hurt look in his eyes.
"Yeah, I mean... I'm being pathetic as fuck, you were right," Atsumu says with a laugh, the sound so ugly and unfamiliar and different that Kiyoomi wants to un-hear it immediately. "I keep chasing you around like an idiot even after you decided to end things, and it's not fair of me. It's also embarrassing. So... sorry. I'll stop. I won't bother you anymore."
"I-"
"I hope we can get along, though. I miss provoking you, and you sure as hell miss insulting me," Atsumu speaks over him again, his tone so cheerful and so incredibly fake. "I just- I really thought we could make it work, but it's not like I won't get over it, right? It's all good." You are such a huge liar, Kiyoomi thinks as he looks at Atsumu, You're literally two seconds away from crying... Or is it me? "But you know me-" and before Kiyoomi can react, there is a hand in his hair, fingers slowly entangling themselves in Kiyoomi's curls. His first instinct is to recoil from the touch, but he's too shocked to move - too shocked to do anything, really. Even his breathing stops for a moment. "I'm quite selfish. And a damn try-hard, never knowing when's the time to give up." And then, Atsumu grins in that beautiful, broken fashion, and Kiyoomi thinks he's breaking too.
The touch is gone before Kiyoomi is ready, and then Atsumu steps away, mumbling, "I really wanted to do that for a long time. Thought this would be as good of a chance as any. I hope you're not too angry. I washed my hands before, too." Atsumu sighs, looking away in embarrassment as he steps away from Kiyoomi, realizing that he might be too close for comfort. "Well... See ya tomorrow, I guess. Get home safe." And that's the last thing Atsumu says before he turns away and starts walking back to the gym, leaving Kiyoomi alone outside. Kiyoomi watches him go, unable to move as he stands frozen in the middle of the street. His throat feels tight, his vision is getting blurry, and the place Atsumu touched is tingling, as if the man's hand was still there, fingers tenderly moving through Kiyoomi's curls.
Truthfully, Kiyoomi wants nothing more than to stop Atsumu from walking away, and he follows Atsumu's retreating form with his eyes, waiting, stupidly hoping that Atsumu will turn around again. He knows that he wanted Atsumu to move on, to find someone better fit for him, but at this moment, as Kiyoomi is left staring at Atsumu's back, he feels the urge to be selfish once more and stop him. Kiyoomi wants to yell at him, tell him that he himself is the stupid one, not the other way around. He wants to tell Atsumu that he didn't do anything wrong, that it's all Kiyoomi's own fault and there is no reason for Atsumu to blame himself.
But most of all, he wants to apologize to Atsumu and tell him that he likes him too, that it wasn't one sided. The words are on the tip of Kiyoomi's tongue, his mouth opening and closing, but before Kiyoomi can find the courage to say something, anything, Atsumu is already gone, the door closing behind him. The silence that comes is deafening and unbearable, and Kiyoomi can feel tears finally overflowing and sliding down his cheeks as he stands there alone for god knows how long, his eyes staring at the door of the gym.
At this moment, he has really lost Atsumu, and it hurts.
It's better this way, Kiyoomi tells himself as he exhales slowly, his chest feeling tight. He gulps down the knot that has formed in his throat and wipes away the stray tears, turning his back to the gym and walking to the bus stop. He keeps on repeating the same phrase during the whole way home then, forcing other thoughts out of his mind while he tries his damn hardest to forget about how good it felt when Atsumu's fingers were combing through his hair.
It - of course - doesn't work, and Kiyoomi is left with glassy eyes and pain in the chest for the next few hours, guilt and sorrow eating him up from inside as he lies in his bed, staring at the wall with an empty gaze.
Truly, the amount of pain he felt in the past days can hardly be compared to how bad he feels now. The voices in his head won't shut up, and the pain in his chest is only getting bigger the more he thinks about Atsumu. It's funny really, the way he's breaking so loudly in this quiet night, but nobody hears; it's only Kiyoomi himself who will ever know about it, because there is no way he's telling anyone else that it only takes one Miya Atsumu to throw him off like this.
The next day, Atsumu seems to be better. He even greets Kiyoomi with a tight, unsure smile on his face once Kiyoomi enters the changing room, and although it's awkward, it's still progress. During practice, he interacts with Kiyoomi more, tasting the waters at first but then getting more comfortable with time, even going as far as throwing one of his many teasing comments Kiyoomi's way. After practice, Atsumu doesn't wait for him anymore either. Instead, he takes off with Bokuto to get something to eat for dinner, the two of them leaving even earlier than Kiyoomi because, apparently, Bokuto's boyfriend is already waiting for them and they have to hurry so they won't make Akaashi wait.
Overall, it seems that now that Atsumu has had a closure he can truly move on, and Kiyoomi should be glad, he really should be, but he is not - at least not entirely. However, if nothing more, at least Kiyoomi is genuinely happy for Atsumu if not for himself, because that means Atsumu won't be hurting over the break up anymore. And that's good. That's great. Exactly what Kiyoomi wanted.
But the thing is, after everything that Atsumu said yesterday, there is a crippling sense of doubt in Kiyoomi's mind, a voice that tells him he liked you for real, maybe you could have really worked this out. It makes Kiyoomi re-think the break up, and it also makes him re-think the way he was looking at things when he decided to end things with Atsumu. Now, he wonders if he really was right about everything or not, because despite being the way he is, Atsumu still liked him. How crazy is that? Despite not being out-going, despite not liking physical contact, despite being so closed-off, despite them being so, so different- Atsumu wanted to stay.
It makes Kiyoomi think that he made a mistake, that he chose an easy way out because he was a coward.
But then, he reminds himself that Atsumu likes him now and it would be a completely different story if they were to date longer. Atsumu would get bored for sure.
He let Atsumu go because he was afraid that Atsumu would break his heart sooner or later, the man finding someone better and leaving Kiyoomi to bite the dust, and Kiyoomi didn't want to risk it. He didn't want to fall in too deep just to be left behind when Atsumu finally realizes that he can find a person who is a better match for him than Kiyoomi ever will be. Yes, Kiyoomi could fight for Atsumu if such a time came, but what for? He himself knows that he would lose. And besides, he wants something better for Atsumu, not this shitty excuse of a relationship.
So yes, maybe he was a coward, but in the end, he protected both of their hearts from further pain with his decision. Well, at least Atsumu's - but that is what's important at the end of the day.
The first practice match is three days later. It's an away game and they have to travel quite a distance for it, and Kiyoomi strongly dislikes it. Not because it's far, no; he dislikes it because it means they are going to stay in a hotel, and Kiyoomi isn't a big fan of that. It's also his luck that he ends up rooming with Atsumu. It doesn't really come as a surprise, given that him and Atsumu are the only ones without a pair, but the knowledge doesn't make the situation all that better.
At first, Kiyoomi thought he was out of danger because for sure Atsumu would room with Bokuto or Hinata, but he was quickly proven wrong when he found out that Bokuto has some family in the city, so he'll be staying with them, and Hinata roomed with Oliver already. And, judging by Atsumu's expression, Kiyoomi isn't the only one who is not exactly happy about how things turned out. However, Atsumu is the master of pretending, so of course he acts like everything's alright once they reach their room. Or maybe Atsumu is not pretending to be okay and he actually is okay, and it's all just in Kiyoomi's head.
"So, I guess you want to use the bathroom first?" he questions as he puts down his things and practically jumps on the bed, whipping out his phone.
"Yes," Kiyoomi answers shortly.
"Okeey, enjoy then," he drawls out. "I think of going out for a bit, so don't be all sad and scared when you come out and I won't be there."
"We have to wake up early tomorrow," reminding him, Kiyoomi starts pulling out all the things he needs for his bath from the bag.
"Of course I know that!" Atsumu says. "However, it would be a shame not to go anywhere. I heard that there is a really good club a few streets away. Besides, I can take care of myself, so you don't need to worry, Omi-omi!" The nickname makes Kiyoomi's eyebrow twitch in distaste. Omi-kun was shitty but okay, but this new nickname is just horrendous. Kiyoomi already complained about it, but Atsumu waved him off, telling him that it sounds okay. And there is no arguing with Atsumu, really. "Or, you wanna go out with me? We could ask others as well-"
"I'm going to take that bath," Kiyoomi cuts him off immediately, the idea of going out to some club full of sweaty people almost repulsive.
See, you'd be bad for him, a voice in Kiyoomi's head whispers. You'd always ruin fun for him. Kiyoomi frowns at the thought; he promised himself not to think about such things. There's nothing between them anymore, so there's no use in thinking about it. Although, it's good to remind himself of some facts at times, no matter how depressing it is. Otherwise he would start thinking - again - about how it could have possibly all worked out had he given it a chance, and these thoughts are dangerous. And delusional at best.
"Mhmm, have fun," Atsumu sing-songs, his voice so nice and pleasant and fuck-
Kiyoomi can't do this.
When Kiyoomi walks out of the bathroom thirty minutes later, Atsumu is - surprisingly - still here. Before Kiyoomi can ask about it though, Atsumu speaks up, all playful smiles and a teasing tone, "Happy I'm still here, right?"
"Incredibly," Kiyoomi mutters. "Coach told you you can't go anywhere?"
"No, Omi-kun, but great guess. I'm a free spirit, nobody would stop me if I wanted to go out."
"Aside from the coach," Kiyoomi says and hears Atsumu scoff.
"Okay, maybe the coach, but-" he makes a dramatic pause, and Kiyoomi can see him sitting up on the bed from the corner of his eyes. "-I didn't go out because I decided against it. After all, we have to get up early tomorrow." Atsumu says it so triumphantly, as if he thought about it himself instead of hearing it from Kiyoomi a few minutes ago. God, so annoying. Endearingly annoying, the voice in his head supplies, but Kiyoomi shushes it immediately.
"So you're actually going to sleep?"
"Oh, no." Atsumu shakes his head and laughs a little, as if Kiyoomi said something foolish. "I'm not sleepy at all."
"That's because you have fucked up sleeping habits," Kiyoomi reminds him with an eye roll.
"Mhmm, maybe."
"Not maybe. It's true."
"Well, true.. maybe." Kiyoomi turns his head in Atsumu's direction to glare at the man, but as he does so, he sees Atsumu already looking at him expectantly with a huge grin on his face, clearly happy with getting such a reaction out of Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi wants to be angry, but the sight is a bit too beautiful for him to be. "Anyway, I was watching a match between Japan and Brazil. Wanna watch with me?" he asks, and there it is again, that stupid hopeful look in Atsumu's eyes that makes Kiyoomi's heart skip a beat.
"No," he replies. "Unlike you, I'd like to get some proper sleep."
"Come on, Omi-omi, don't be like that," Atsumu whines, leaning against the wall and waving his phone around. "It's just one match. It's boring to watch alone."
"You watched alone until now."
"Yeah, I'm saying - boring." God, trying to argue with Atsumu is really useless. "So, please? I'll let you sleep afterwards."
Kiyoomi contemplates for a while, weighing pros and cons. Honestly, there are many more downsides, but in the end, it takes only one look at Atsumu's stupid face for him to nod in agreement. "Only one match," he warns, and wonders if it's aimed at Atsumu or at himself. "But go take a shower first."
Atsumu's smile is blinding when Kiyoomi agrees. "Yeah, yeah, just don't fall asleep while I'm showering," he says, and with that, he starts rummaging through his bag, throwing everything he needs on the bed. "I mean it, don't fall asleep!"
"Don't take too long and I won't." Honestly, it's an empty threat, since Kiyoomi would definitely wait for Atsumu now that he has promised to watch the match with him, but Atsumu doesn't need to know that. Hopefully it will make him shower quickly instead of standing in the shower for three hours.
"Says you who spends forever there."
"I do not spend forever there."
"You do," Atsumu repeats, leaving no room for argument. "Anyway, wait for me. I'll be right back."
When the door to the bathroom closes and Kiyoomi is left alone in the room, he wonders what the hell he's doing. He is basically seeing all the red lights and stop signs, and yet, he still decides to ignore them.
As promised, Atsumu doesn't take long. Only ten minutes pass before he's out, wet hair sticking to his forehead and droplets of water falling on his grey shirt. He looks good, way too good, and Kiyoomi forces himself to look away, doing his utmost to keep his emotions in bay.
"You didn't fall asleep, good," he says with a chuckle, making his way to his bed after draping the wet towel on the radiator by the window. "So, let's watch?" it's phrased like an invitation, still open for Kiyoomi to refuse if he doesn't feel like it despite agreeing to it before. Atsumu is giving him a way out, and Kiyoomi wonders if he should take it.
He decides against it. "Okay."
He walks over to Atsumu's bed then, sitting down on it carefully and leaning against the wall, copying Atsumu's pose. They don't sit too close, but it's still close enough for Atsumu's scent to travel to Kiyoomi's nose, and Kiyoomi wonders if it was a mistake to tell Atsumu to shower first, because now the smell that's invading his senses is strong and definitely harder to ignore.
"Who do you bet on?" Atsumu asks, taking his phone in hand and unlocking it, completely unaware of how what his mere presence does to Kiyoomi.
"I'd hope for Japan."
"Yeah, me too! Let's watch and see."
Atsumu seems way too happy about this, but Kiyoomi would be lying if he said he isn't happy too. It's the first time in nearly two weeks that they are sharing an actual moment, not just a few words off and on the court. Kiyoomi has missed this a lot, honestly. There are still tons of negative emotions creeping in the back of his heart, but he decides not to think about them, just this once. Kiyoomi should let himself enjoy this moment, especially when they are practically dancing on thin ice with every interaction they have.
Who knows, this could be the last time they are sharing a moment like this, and thus, Kiyoomi should treat it as such. He should appreciate it as such.
It's nice, watching a match with someone and being able to talk about it instead of watching alone - like Kiyoomi usually does. Both of them give some input throughout the match, analyzing the plays and pointing out some details the other might have missed. They even take interest in some attacks that they see, promising to try it out during practice sometime in the future.
It's comfortable, really comfortable. Kiyoomi feels strangely content as he sits there with Atsumu, talking in hushed voices and sharing knowing glances when a particularly good attack flashes on the mobile screen. At some point though, sometime during the fourth set, Kiyoomi's gaze drifts away from the screen and falls on Atsumu instead, eyes silently, secretly taking in Atsumu's face.
Kiyoomi knows that Atsumu is handsome, of course he knows. He's spent a great amount of time watching the man, after all. The thing is, Atsumu is even more beautiful when he's so close, his features illuminated by the screen and the crappy lighting that the table lamp provides. It's weird, honestly; Atsumu has a lot of great photos plastered all over the internet, with great lighting, perfect hair, his always-there mischievous smile and elegant posture, but Kiyoomi thinks that if he could take a photo of Atsumu now, at this very second, it would be the best photo out of all. There is something breathtaking about Atsumu in this moment, when his eyes are shining with deep interest as he watches the match, his hair is sticking out in every possible direction, and his face is looking so child-like and gentle despite the sharp edges of his features.
"Fuck, wow, did you see that?!" Atsumu exclaims suddenly, turning his head to Kiyoomi in the speed of light, and Kiyoomi is caught staring because he got too carried away like the idiot he is and suddenly didn't have enough time to avert his gaze back to the screen. He tries to play it cool, biting the insides of his cheeks as he tries his hardest to keep a neutral expression, hoping that Atsumu will think nothing of it. If Atsumu has something to say about it, he doesn't voice out his thoughts and instead proceeds to stare back at Kiyoomi, his eyes intense yet soft as they hold the eye-contact.
And then, Atsumu smiles at Kiyoomi, but it's nothing like his usual, fox-like grin. This one is way more genuine, tender, affectionate and longing, and the atmosphere of the quiet, late night makes the mix of it all so very intimate and personal.
It's all over for Kiyoomi, once again, and it's even worse than before because now he is way more aware of the trouble this all brings, all the chaos.
But fuck, if Kiyoomi simply liked Miya Atsumu before, this smile - this damn, stunning smile - was daring Kiyoomi to fall in love with him instead.