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You know how in movies, there’s that type of scene where you can hear a heartbeat and the screen flashes between black and an out of focus slow motion of what’s going on around the character? Well Ryan is experiencing that first hand. The lights of the stage blinding him, the reverberation of the drums and bass altering his heartbeat. He just needs to keep walking. Glasses on, head down, don't slow at all. All it takes is one misstep to be noticed.
Ryan has been to this venue before, he knows his way around. If he can just get to that one side door… he can get backstage to the green room. He could see Him.
The concert is ending. He can hear the faint whispers of the song he started to write bouncing off the cinder block hallways. “Here I am composing…” Ryan shakes his head. It’s definitely not what he had in mind, but he had to admit he didn’t not like this version. “Here I am composing what could be the biggest mistake of my life.” Ryan sighs to the empty corridor.
“Why are you here?” A voice booms from around the corner. It’s Zack. Crap.
“I just want to talk. I know that stuff went down but-” Zack cuts Ryan off with a low laugh.
“Stuff went down? That’s really how you’re going to phrase that? Come on, we both know that is not how it happened at all. Ryan you can’t see him. I won’t let you.” Ryan’s face drops. Zack is basically an older brother to Him, his word is law.
“Please Zack. I know you don’t like me after what happened but I just want to apologize.” Ryan sounds desperate.
“Go enjoy the last three minutes of the show, Ryan. You can see him on stage. Don’t get caught by fans because I won’t be there to save you anymore.” With that Zack turns the corner and Ryan can hear a door shut. Crap.
Walking back towards the stadium he can hear goodnight’s being sung to the crowd, bringing the show to a close. Ryan moves to stand at the very back, away from any exits, he knows fans are usually pretty quick to leave and won’t pay any attention to the one lone guy in sunglasses. He checks his phone nonchalantly but hears someone clear their throat. Ryan mentally prepares himself for a barrage of questions and poorly timed dairy based references. Bracing himself, Ryan puts on a smile and looks up. Not expecting to see His wife looking back at him.
“You were the last person I expected to show up to one of these. Come and walk with me.” Sarah’s voice is hushed. She knows fans would die to see a moment like this.
“Sarah, I should just leave. I don’t want to cause any more trouble. Zack was already pissed to see me once.” Ryan is just rambling at this point. Anything to get the thoughts out of his mind, that the woman in front of him is the woman who gets to wake up next to Him. Ryan was envious but knew his place. Sarah was his friend and green wasn’t his color.
“Ryan. Before the crowd notices who we are, I think we should take a walk okay?” Sarah says with such firmness Ryan knows there’s no point in arguing.
The two stroll to a side exit and Sarah leisurely places her hand on the inside of Ryan’s elbow. The air is heavy with the words Ryan is too scared to say. He feels weak needing Sarah to initiate the conversation. When the two former friends turn from the door that would lead backstage and head for an outdoor exit instead Ryan finally breaks his silence.
“What are we going outside for?” Ryan moves his arm so that Sarah’s hand is gripping nothing. “I just want to apologize. I’m not here to make things worse.”
“I know that. But Zack doesn’t and I don’t want him to get angry. I know that you know what Zack is like when he’s pissed off. I have a much better idea that’ll probably cause less damage.” Sarah is sympathetic. She knows the strife that Ryan has been through; her husband has been through the same.
“I see your point. I’ll just throw him off his game and I know there’s a show tomorrow. I’ll just… go now. You probably want to go to see him.” Ryan opens his car door to throw his sunglasses on to the passenger seat.
“I’ll tell him that you were here once we get back to the hotel room. I know Brendon would like to know.”
Brendon. Ryan’s world stops. He hasn’t heard that name in years. He couldn’t bring himself to physically say the name of the man who had caused so much upheaval in his life. It felt like blasphemy to say such a name, one that had caused so much joy and pain, when Ryan knew he caused the same. If he said Brendon’s name Ryan feared that Brendon would know, as if his name would awaken some deep part of both of them and cause their worlds to collapse. Crap. He wasn’t even sure if his lips still knew how to form such a word. Though, Ryan knew his lips would never forget the feel of the lips that belong to that name. Ryan hoped his shiver wasn’t visible to Sarah.
“Thank you, Sarah.” Ryan nods curtly. Sarah knows she hit a nerve. Would boys ever learn to express their emotions, she wonders.
“Goodnight, Ryan.” Sarah turns to head back to the venue. Ryan watches her walk away until she opens the side door and disappears once it swings closed behind her. He turns his keys in the ignition and leaves to head home. There was nothing left to stay for.
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Sarah watches Brendon pull on a pair of flannel pants and use the bright white towel to dry his hair. She was nervous about Brendon’s reaction. She didn’t want to be the reason why the man she cared for would have a panic attack. Once Brendon finishes with the towel and comes back from the bathroom Sarah knows that she just has to rip the bandaid off quickly so as not to cause too much pain.
“Brendon someone came to the show tonight.” Sarah starts softly, staring at the television screen but not comprehending what was going on in the show.
“Zack told me you probably had something to tell me. Is everything ok? Was it that crazy guy that was following you from the last concert?” Brendon was intense. He hates when someone makes Sarah nervous and quiet like this. She was so happy all the time, to see her this down was like a personal offence to him.
“No. Nothing at all like that, Brendon. Actually, this person was here to see you. They tried to see you after the concert but Zack turned them away.” Sarah is choosing her words carefully. Yet all she wants is to just blurt it out already.
“Zack didn’t mention that part…” Brendon’s voice was wavering. Sarah knows that it just has to happen. Now.
“It was Ryan.” Sarah says the name delicately. She knows the power it holds. Just like she knew the power Brendon’s name held for Ryan. “He wanted to apologize.”
The room falls silent. The only noise Sarah can make out is her and Brendon’s steady breathing. At least he is breathing. She looks at Brendon and waits. She knows that he would take his time to process his thoughts this one time in his life. Brendon really hadn’t spoken to Ryan in a few years. This first breach of contact was going to take some time. Brendon’s face was full of disbelief. His Ryan has come to see him and Zack turned him away? Zack was always a bit overprotective, but that’s what Brendon needed. Brendon was always too quick to give his heart away.
“Ryan was here. At this concert. Tonight. And I didn’t see him?” Brendon’s sentences were choppy.
“Yes, he was here. I don’t think he was here for the whole concert though. A fan probably would’ve seen him if he was. Zack saw him at the beginning of Nearly Witches and I spoke to him as soon as the show ended.” Sarah doesn’t want to give too much away at once. Things like this need to be processed slowly.
“He was here for Nearly Witches?” Brendon asks, voiced filled with shock. “I wonder how much he hates the way I changed the song. It’s almost nothing like the demo he started. I’m surprised he actually let us use part of the demo. He could’ve kept the track for himself.”
“He wanted to give you an apology, Bren.” Sarah moves to pull Brendon close to her so she can rub his neck. “He wanted to do it in person.”
Brendon sucks in all the air his lungs can hold. To see Ryan face to face was asking a lot. But he knows it needs to be done. They need to be able to put this behind them.
“I want to see him. I need closure just as much as he does.” Brendon spits this last part. Both of them have a flair for being stubborn. Brendon can’t let Ryan be the only one to lick his wounds.
“You should call him once the tour is over. You only have two shows left. Give it some time and think through what you want to say. It’s going to be difficult.” Sarah’s words float up to Brendon who was lost in his own mind. He and Ryan were going to see each other, or at least set up a time to see each other. Brendon thought that this day would never come. He was on a roller coaster of emotions.
“I’m going to sleep now.” Brendon’s voice is flat. Sarah knows that he is feeling overwhelmed.
“Goodnight, Brendon.” Sarah whispers as she turns the lights off. When she climbs into the bed and pulls the blanket over herself the room is quiet, but once she lays still for a while the bed begins to shake. Brendon’s breathing is labored. Brendon is crying. Sobbing as quietly as he can. Sarah feels guilty for eavesdropping when Brendon thinks she is sleeping. Hearing this one moment of weakness.
If only Sarah could know that Brendon isn’t crying because he is upset, or offended, or even sad. Brendon was completely overwhelmed. This was something he couldn’t even bring himself to dream of happening. Brendon and Ryan would finally have a chance to do things the right way and move on. Brendon was feeling free. His tears were of relief. Brendon was crying purely for a cathartic release. Brendon was crying over the chance to get closure. Brendon was crying for no reason other than the fact that no matter how much time, distance, or words separated them, Ryan still managed to turn his world upside down.
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It's been a week since Ryan showed up at the concert. Brendon’s two shows weren't as passionate and energetic as the others before. The vivid image of Sarah saying Ryan had come to the show is on replay like a broken record in Brendon’s mind. Over and over. He sits in the studio trying to calm his mind, playing little random beats to keep him occupied.
Sarah lets Ryan in, leading him to where Brendon is in the studio, she leaves them be, letting Ryan take the lead. Ryan sees Brendon humming a little tune and playing keys, trying to match the notes to what he is hearing. Ryan hasn't seen Brendon like this since Pretty Odd, he didn't realize how much he missed the sight. Ryan gently knocks on the door letting Brendon know he's here. Brendon looks back and when he sees him, his heart drops in his chest. Brendon wasn't expecting him at all. He didn't have the time to prepare, to react.
“Uh… sounds good, whatcha working on?” Ryan asks, unsure of how to even begin.
“Nothing in particular really.” Brendon shrugs as he gets up, putting his hands into his pockets and bouncing on his heels. He looks over at Ryan, he wants to say so many things at once. He feels a million different things too, the first emotion that is able to break out is anger. It is the easiest to deal with.
“Just- why? Why would you get up and leave like that? I know I'm to blame too but still. You could’ve at least fucking talked to me, Ryan!” Brendon snaps looking at him.
Ryan looks down and bites his lip, unsure of what to do and say. He feels powerless for once. “I know, Bren. I promise, I know. I just-”
“You just what? You're sorry? You're sorry for leaving me in the dirt, to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders all on my own! You know what just fucking leave my house!” Brendon yells, his face turning red, and the vain in his neck popping out a little.
Ryan sighs and goes to the door, trying to open it. “It's locked.”
“And it doesn't lock from the inside.” Brendon sighs rubbing his temple as he joins Ryan at the door, trying to turn the handle. The door stays shut tightly as Brendon bangs on the door. “Sarah! Open up!”
“You both need to be big boys and work out your problems, till you do, you won't be coming out. I'll check on you in a little bit.” Sarah calls from the other side. Brendon groans and leans his head against the door as the two listen to her footsteps walk away.
“I have nothing more to say to you.” Brendon says with some strictness that wavers in his voice. Ryan nods and puts his hands in his pocket, licking his lips as he looks anywhere but at Brendon. He knows Brendon won't budge, he was too stubborn to do so.
“What do we do till then?” Ryan asks, finally looking at Brendon as he sinks back in his chair at the computer.
“We wait.” Brendon says looking back at Ryan, but their eyes never meet.
Ryan doesn’t know what to do and settles on looking to the floor to avoid Brendon's gaze. He didn't have to look at Brendon to know how guilty he feels for snapping at Ryan.
Brendon tries to bring his focus back to his music, doing everything he can to push Ryan out of his head. But Ryan sticks like a bad pop song.
Ryan's hand hovers over the keys of Brendon's keyboard, he had spent one too many nights with him, arguing over lyrics and notes, changing whole verses of songs. Sometimes, without even telling Brendon, causing fights over creative nothingness. He gently starts to play the keyboard, messing around with chord progressions with nothing in particular in mind. One sounds familiar so he goes over it again… and he finds his way to aimlessly playing Northern Downpour. He numbly starts singing along to it.
Brendon's head shoots up to look over at Ryan as he begins to sing the lyrics.
“If all our life is but a dream, fantastic posing greed, then we should feed our jewelry to the sea. For diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me.”
“Ryan, stop.” Brendon says looking at him. Ryan seemed to be in some sort of a trance, completely wrapped up in his own little world of music. Brendon used to love seeing him like that, but now it just hurts.
“And then she said she can't believe, genius only comes along in storms of fabled foreign tongues. Tripping eyes and flooded lungs, Northern Downpour sends it love.”
“Ryan, please, stop.” Brendon says again, his eyes welling up with tears hearing the lyrics from Ryan’s mouth. Every word feels like it is slowly tearing him to pieces, “Ryan, please, please.” He begs, wiping his eyes as he gets up and walks towards the older man. “Stop, please, Ryan. I can’t hear you sing that song.”
Ryan stops abruptly, his hand floating above the keys as he comes back to reality. He walks around the keyboard to stand in front of Brendon. Ryans sees that Brendon looks as though he’s about ready to burst into tears again. Ryan carefully cups Brendon’s cheeks and pressed his lips to Brendon’s.
The familiar sensation was like an instinct to them. Brendon kisses back, his lips moving in sync with Ryan's, his hands settling on his hips. It's like they were back in those late nights making the album. When they would start the night by writing and always ended up in bed together by the next morning. Neither of them regretting what went down the night before. But the stakes were different now, they both knew that. Ryan was just the first to accept it.
Ryan pulls back and Brendon wasn't ready for the loss of contact. He looks at Ryan with wide eyes and parted lips, unsure of how to speak again. Brendon moves closer as if he were going to lean in again, but Ryan simply puts a hand on Brendon’s chest. It was enough pressure for Brendon to know that he was overstepping.
“Sarah is very lucky.” Ryan says softly as he steps back from Brendon.
Brendon just stares at him, wanting to at least say something but coming up with nothing.
The door creaks open revealing Sarah, “We have some closure?” She asks looking between them.
“We do. Thank you, Sarah.” Ryan says as he leaves the studio.
Brendon stands there, mouth gaping. His heart somehow hurts even more than it did before. Maybe because the man who had just left that studio had taken Brendon’s heart with him. Or maybe, because after all those years, Brendon was finally given his heart back. He wasn't sure anymore.