Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

We're born with millions

Of little lights shining in the dark,

And they show us the way.

One lights up

Every time we feel love in our hearts

One dies when it moves away

--Michael Rosenberg, “All the Little Lights,”

“Master Yoda,” Healer Vygor was outwardly calm as he approached the venerable Jedi, but the elder knew him well enough to sense the matter was urgent. “I need to speak with you privately.”

Yoda nodded, knowing that while Vygor served many Jedi, there were currently very few that would have necessitated the healer speak with him in person. “Yes, Healer. To my chambers we will go.” The small master held up his arms and Vygor took the cue, picked him up and began walking rapidly in that direction. “Join us, should Master Windu?”

“I’m not sure, Master,” Vygor answered honestly, if a bit winded. A warrior he was not. “This information is sensitive and confidential. Normally I wouldn’t bring this to your attention, but given the timing and the circumstances,” he hesitated to say more. There was no doubt now who this was about.

As they arrived and entered, Yoda reached out with the Force, sensing Vygor’s disquiet and genuine concern, not just for his patient, but for Yoda as well. Whatever this news was, it would not be good. The master sighed as the healer gently placed him on his feet. “Need help with this we do. Call Windu I will. Make tea you should, find your center it will help.”

Vygor nodded, trusting in the older master’s skill and wisdom for all that he had done nothing as yet to communicate the problem. He very much doubted tea was going to make this bitter pill go down any easier, but he’d take the calming ritual for what it was.

By the time Master Mace Windu arrived in Yoda’s quarters, grumbling as he usually did when he had to stoop to enter the room’s slightly lowered ceilings, the tea had steeped and Vygor was pouring all three of them steaming cups. They patiently held the traditional moment of silence, to honor the Force, the Jedi who had come before, and to center themselves such that they could receive guidance, then sipped their tea. Vygor put down his teacup, still breathing deeply.

“A problem there is?” Yoda prompted gently. Windu looked concerned, equally aware who this impromptu meeting must surely be about.

“Yes, Masters.” Vygor sighed. “I had a . . . difficult appointment with young Kenobi today.”

Windu frowned. “Is he being uncooperative with his pre-trial assessments?” Given the circumstances, he could hardly be blamed for having emotional difficulties.

“No, Master,” Vygor paused and Windu raised an eyebrow. “My apologies, Mace. I get very professional when such serious situations come up.” Yoda patted his knee in encouragement. “Padawan Kenobi has been very cooperative in his sessions. He was very anxious at first, as is to be expected when one’s master throws one into trial preliminaries with absolutely no preparations, but once it was made clear that it was anticipated he would have trouble dealing with his master’s near death and the purposes of these meetings were to help him find his center prior to his trials, he was very honest and forthcoming.”

“So, he was too honest and forthcoming?” Windu ventured to guess. If anyone in the order had reason to be tempted by the Dark Side right now, Obi-Wan Kenobi would be a prime candidate.

“No.”

“Told you something unexpected he has?” Yoda reached out to the Force as Vygor nodded. “Postpone his trials this will?”

The healer ran and hand through his close-cropped hair, mussing it. “I fear this may cancel his trials, Masters. And after everything that’s happened to him . . .” he trailed off, sorrow on his face. “He has gone through so much already.”

“What did Obi-Wan tell you?” Windu prodded, mystified as to what a padawan could confess to that would halt their trials permanently, much less Kenobi. The young man had killed the Sith that had bested his master. It was expected that his emotions would be in great turmoil, and he would not be censored for needing extra preparations prior to his final examinations. Many Jedi, masters, knights and padawans alike, were not taking the reemergence of the Sith well, and Obi-Wan had fought one in person.

“Padawan Kenobi has informed me that Master Jinn has been negligent in a certain area of his training.” For all that he was a psychological healer and assessor, it was clear Vygor was uncomfortable confiding this information. “Specifically, his Sexuality Training.”

They were silent for a moment as Vygor let that sink in.

“Negligent in what way?” Windu asked at last. Yoda had shut his eyes, deep in contemplation, but the low position of his ears made clear his concern.

“As in he never taught it.”

Windu took a deep breath, trying to wrap his mind around this.

“What part, exactly, did he fail to instruct his padawan in?”

Vygor let out a bone-deep sigh, resting his head in his hands.

“All of it Mace. He left out all of it.”

Stunned, Master Windu struggled a bit to maintain his calm. “Are you saying that Master Jinn let Obi-Wan just . . . explore his sexuality on his own? Without guidance? Without teaching him how to handle adult emotion and attachment? Or did he just . . . send him to another master for these lessons and did not ensure the task was done correctly?”

Vygor did not raise his head. “I’m saying that Jinn deliberately chose to not teach these lessons to Obi-Wan himself and deliberately chose not to send him to another master to learn.”

“Bad this is.” Yoda did not open his eyes. “Knew I did that difficult Qui-Gon would find this after Xanatos’s betrayal, but foresee this I did not.”

“Alright,” Mace took another sip of tea. This was not the first time a padawan approaching Knighthood had had some sort of sexual issue or lapse. They could deal with this. “How much of his education is lacking? He’s an adult now, how long would it actually take to complete this part of his training, however unconventional?” Force knew there would be no lack of volunteers.

Vygor lifted his head to look Windu in the eye. “Mace,” he sighed. “Obi-Wan Kenobi is still a virgin.”

Mace practically choked on his tea. Even Yoda’s eyes flew open at that pronouncement.

“Vygor, Obi-Wan Kenobi is twenty-five years old. Why do you think he’s still a virgin?”

“I told you this was serious,” Vygor replied as he poured himself more tea. “We weren’t even talking about sex, you understand. I’ve only seen Obi-Wan for a few sessions so far, and between Jinn’s throwing him into his trials at the Council Meeting, dueling with a Sith, taking care of Jinn’s recovery and being ordered to oversee his replacement, a replacement that Jinn ordered him to take as his padawan with what we all thought would be his dying words, I haven’t exactly gotten around to digging into trial readiness as yet.”

Yoda nodded. “Much on your plate, there is.”

“I know,” Vygor sighed again. “Given everything that has happened to him, Obi-Wan is having difficulty finding his center again, but he has cooperated fully. He is obviously worried he may not pass his trials, and to that end he has not tried to hold things back. But it was painfully clear from talking to him today that he was unaware that this situation could endanger his knighthood or that his master has wronged him.”

Windu had the sneaking suspicion this was only going to get worse. “How did this come up? What did Obi-Wan say had happened?”

Vygor picked up a throw pillow and hugged it to his chest, trying to release his despair for his patient. “I asked him how he felt about no longer needing to serve as Anakin’s master. He had said that he had been overwhelmed by the prospect of training a padawan but that he couldn’t refuse his master, particularly as he was still a padawan himself, and because it was Jinn’s last request. Unsurprisingly he was quite relieved when Jinn turned a corner and he would be released of this obligation.”

He looked down at the pillow in his lap, watching the light play off the beading on the edge and wondering who had brought this impractical gift to Master Yoda. “I almost didn’t ask him to elaborate, you understand. There were a thousand obvious reasons to be relieved. But I’m still trying to get a sense of him in normal circumstances, when he was just come through a series of very abnormal trials. So, I asked him what worried him most about training Skywalker.”

“What did he say?” Mace asked, though he was getting an inkling.

“He said, quite matter-of-factly, that he had no idea how he would deal with Anakin’s Sexuality Training. I asked him to articulate why, thinking it might be due to the child’s possible history of exploitation, or that perhaps Kenobi was rigidly heterosexual, and . . .” He stopped, taking a moment to look both masters in the eye. “He said that his master had never taken him through those lessons, and he would be at a loss to teach them.”

“Explain why this was neglected did he?” Yoda was clearly disturbed. “Or why bring this up to others he did not?”

“If I understand him correctly, Padawan Kenobi believes Master Jinn did not feel he was mature enough for those lessons and had indicated this was something he might address after Kenobi’s trials, or shortly before them. He stated that his master told him to channel his excess energies into his training instead of wasting his time exploring his body. It seems he was told that his poor connection to the Living Force made him an inadequate student in this arena and that he was expected to strengthen this aspect of himself before it would be worth his master’s time to teach.”

“Sexuality Training is how most padawans learn to open themselves fully to the Living Force. Kenobi’s strength is the Unifying Force, but he’s hardly blind to the Living Force.”

“Not according to Master Jinn, at least so far as Obi-Wan believes.” Vygor rubbed his hands over his face. “Masters, that’s not even the worst of it. Obi-Wan is not in the least aware that this could prevent his trials.”

Windu let out a particularly venomous curse. “What was Qui-Gon going to do? Buy him a prostitute? Never send him to his trials?”

“The latter, so near as I can tell. Padawan Kenobi is a very advanced student, very articulate. His education, his diplomatic experience, his sword work, according to the other masters is exemplary. Reports from other Jedi who have worked with the pair have indicated that Obi-Wan should have been nearing his trials at least two or three years ago, but Jinn’s own assessments always found him lacking, with no clear reasons given. Then, suddenly this Force-brilliant child appears, and Jinn claims his training is over.”

“Nothing more I can teach him, he said. Not nothing more to learn has he.” Yoda’s ears sagged further.

“I don’t want to speak ill of a master I haven’t assessed, and I know Padawan Kenobi’s impressions may not be wholly reliable, but from Obi-Wan’s point of view, his master has moved on without him, and seems to feel any lack in Obi-Wan’s training is no longer his concern. And frankly, I’m hard-pressed to find an alternative explanation.”

“Qui-Gon has been pushing to get Obi-Wan’s exam dates scheduled since he was released from the Healer’s Ward. He’s also moved Skywalker into their quarters.” Mace glowered at his tea as Jinn was not present to feel his displeasure. “He has been submitting the request daily for the past week in protest.”

“Stubborn he is.”

“He’s more than stubborn, Master.” Vygor rested his chin on the pillow. “He’s moved Anakin into Obi-Wan’s room. Obi-Wan has been sleeping on the floor of Jinn’s study.”

Yoda scowled. “Subtle he is not.”

“What does Obi-Wan think of all this? Does he have any sort of plan moving forward?”

Vygor shook his head sadly. “His plan was to take his trials because that’s what he feels he is supposed to do. Obviously, he is unsettled and uncertain he will pass, his own master has made it clear he is unsatisfied with him, but apparently Kenobi is used to the sentiment and never expected he would satisfy Jinn completely. He is keenly aware that Jinn holds higher standards than other masters. But in regards to his sexuality, he assumed that Master Jinn did not feel it was necessary training prior to his trials, and he wasn’t planning on broaching the topic with his master while Jinn was convalescing. He will take his trials and continue to assist Master Jinn until such time as Jinn can take over Skywalker’s training fully. After that he assumes the Council will send him out as needed on missions suited to his ability. With regards to his Sexuality Training, he still seems to be waiting on Jinn’s guidance.”

“Leave him waiting forever, Qui-Gon will,” Yoda whispered, sadly.

“Damn him,” Mace clenched his fists, as if he could throttle Jinn through the Force.  

“Grave concern this is, Vygor.” Yoda turned to Mace. “Sexuality training required of masters, but required for trials it is not.”

“Come again?” Vygor felt as confused as Mace looked.

Yoda snorted at their skepticism. “Young, so young. Sexuality training a new concept for Jedi is. Only few centuries we have had it. Prior to this, many virgins knighted were. Some celibate remained all their lives, some explored after, some the Living Force in youth embraced. Only one aspect of self is sexuality. Deal with this aspect Obi-Wan must, but interfere with trials it may not. Served the Jedi this long without it he has.”

“Master Yoda, are you suggesting we send Kenobi to his trials with his sexual challenges untested?”

The small master rolled his eyes. “Virgin he is, not sexless. Tested he has no doubt been, if not in usual way.” He turned to Vygor. “Brought this to our attention, thank you we do. Continue to evaluate Padawan Kenobi. Figure this out we will. Delay his trials this may, but cancel I doubt. Faced Sith he did and did not turn to Dark Side. Bedroom experience not a better test than that.”

“But what of his relationship with Qui-Gon Jinn? What else might his master have neglected in his training?”

“Good healer he has figuring that out already. Talk again we will soon.”

Master Windu’s comm went off, the chime indicating a call from his personal assistant. He gave the other masters an apologetic glance as he took the call and Vygor, feeling slightly more balanced, began to clean up. Yoda followed him to the small sink, reassuring him that he was doing right by his patient and that the Council would neither push, nor delay Obi-Wan’s trials unnecessarily, but he certainly did not sound ready right now.

“He did what?” Mace asked, incredulous. Both masters turned to watch as Windu tried to release shocked anger into the Force while still listening to his assistant at the other end of the call.

“Yes, yes. Tell her I will be down shortly to deal with this personally. No, he’s not in trouble, his master is just a bantha’s ass. Yes, that is exactly the term you should use.” He closed the connection, then took a deep, cleansing breath and released it before turning back to his companions.

“That was Eller. The Quartermaster just called. Apparently a certain senior padawan has been formally evicted from their master’s quarters and with no record of disciplinary sanction, knights’ trials dates, or change in home temple or master status, they were quite unsure what to do with him. His master indicated the decision was in the hands of the Advancement Committee.”

Yoda was appalled. Vygor looked enraged.

“Eller was also been informed that this same master has also requisitioned a full new junior padawan kit from Stores and will be sending Anakin down for sizing.”

“Let this go too long we have,” Yoda sighed. “Have Stores provide Skywalker with neutral clothes, nothing more. Find young Kenobi we must.”

“According to Eller, he’s still in the Quartermaster’s waiting room and rather shell-shocked over the whole thing.”

“Go to him we must. Now.”

* * *

The situation was as bad as Yoda had feared when they arrived. Eller soon joined them, bringing datapads updated with Jinn’s latest filings, the Quartermaster looked ready to spit nails, and the padawan in question was sitting in the lounge, staring into space, his mission pack between his knees stuffed full of all his worldly possessions, left adrift in bureaucratic limbo. Fed up with the lot of them, the Quartermaster stormed off to deal with a more pressing issue, muttering about how Jedi should be mature enough to handle their own interpersonal problems without making her do it for them.

“Master Windu,” the attendant on duty was radiating distress, clearly convinced their division had done some great wrong if members of the Council had to be summoned to clear it up. “I’m very sorry, Sirs, but I can find no record for Jedi Kenobi in regards to a housing change and we don’t know how to classify him. He’s not listed on the Trials Calendar, not listed as a visiting Jedi, not listed on the Discipline Roster and there is no indication he is being assigned to a new master.” She glanced nervously at the pale, young man sitting just out of hearing range. “His master filed eviction paperwork but did not grant him permission to request quarters. That normally only happens in disciplinary matters, and we normally stick the unruly teenagers in the dorm barracks for a few weeks until the punishment is over, but he seems kind of old for that and he’s not actually on the Discipline Report. Is his transgression more confidential?”

Windu and Vygor each took this in in their own way, the former glowering while the latter mentally tallied how many more sessions young Kenobi was going to need to get past this latest betrayal. Windu could feel Eller standing behind him, teeth grinding in outrage.

“He’s trying to force our hand, Vygor,” Mace finally said. “Toss the young man out into the cold to expedite his trials.” He looked at the padawan in question. “He really doesn’t care if Obi-Wan passes his trials or not at this point, does he?”

“He’s Dooku’s padawan and he lives in the moment,” Eller uncharacteristically piped up, clearly as fed up with Jinn’s nonsense as Mace was. “Dooku was notorious for sending padawans to the barracks for the least transgression.”

“This is really not helping him,” Vygor spoke quietly, skirting the line of patient confidentiality.

“I need to know where to put him,” the attendant was starting to look desperate. “I’ve got a gaggle of young padawans from Correllia here for a two-week seminar in Barracks A, three padawans and a knight in rehab after that ‘spice incident’ and two more who threw a house party in Barracks B, and the usual nomadic knights and masters traipsing through Barracks C. He’s a padawan, so I can’t put him in one of the diplomatic suites, the waiting list for Padawan Quarters is at least 3 months long, and the only place left is Barracks D, which is where the Service Corp staff and other Jedi stay when they pass through.” She dropped her voice to a whisper, for all that Kenobi didn’t appear to be listening. “Look, I don’t need to know what he did, but I do need to know where to stick him. Is he going to be a bad influence on the younger students? Is it substance abuse and he needs to be strip-searched or put on curfew? Are they shipping him off to the Agri-Corps and doesn’t know it yet? He really didn’t seem to know this was coming.”

Vygor caught Windu’s eye. “None of these are good alternatives if you expect Kenobi to be readying himself for his trials.”

“Agreed.” He turned back to the attendant. “Is there any way to expedite a room assignment for Padawan Kenobi? His master turned him out in an attempt to get the Council to move up his trials.”

The attendant blanched. “Um, I’m sorry Master Windu, our Padawan Quarters are very full right now.” She scanned the screen displaying the inventory. “Even the Knights Quarters have a waiting list. Best I can do is stick him in A or D for a few weeks, then move him in with a roommate when Knight Voor gets transferred.” She looked apologetic. “I’d still need to clear it with Master Hestia, but I think she would agree, even if he’s not a Knight yet.”

“Not Barracks D,” Vygor’s gaze was stern. “He already thinks he might be shipped off to the Corps if he fails his trials.”

“Damn,” Windu growled. “I take it we shouldn’t be leaving him alone and unsupervised either.”

“Not if you want him to pass, no.”

“Stop fussing you will,” Master Yoda finally spoke, scaring the hell out of the attendant who couldn’t see him from behind the counter. “Simple solution there is, force our hand Jinn will not.” He turned and stalked purposefully into the waiting room and walked right up to the padawan in question.

“Obi-Wan?”

The young man started when the master tapped him on the knee, then managed to grow even paler, keenly aware that if a Council member had been called down for a failed room assignment, transfer or expulsion could be clear possibilities.

“They don’t know where to put me, Master Yoda.” After all he had been through in the previous two months, this last insult could well turn out to be the proverbial straw.

“Come, Padawan,” Yoda made sure to use his title to convey this had not been lost. “Room I have to spare, quiet place you will need to prepare for trials.” A gentle tug on his Kenobi’s pants leg and he had coaxed the mortified young man to his feet. Another moment and they were down the hall and gone as if the whole matter had never happened.

“Problem solved?” the attendant asked, hoping the ordeal was over.

Vygor raised an eyebrow. “One problem solved.”

* * *

It was deep into the night when Yoda felt the first hint of disturbance in the Force. Fully expecting this, he surfaced from his meditation and crept toward the closed door of the padawan room, concerned by the feelings of distress the young man inside was trying to hide.

Gently, he opened himself to the Force, quietly making his presence known. Obi-Wan’s response was to tighten his shields, his presence dimming, as if trying to be more unobtrusive.

Concerned, Yoda reached for the latch that had been set low for his convenience. “Coming in, I am.”

Obi-Wan did not speak until he had come into the dark room and had closed the door.

“I’m sorry I disturbed you, Master Yoda. I will try to be quieter.” They both knew he had made no physical sound, but it was difficult to hide one’s emotions from one as sensitive as Yoda.

“Disturbed me you have not. Expected this I did.” The small master stepped up to the thin mat that was serving as Obi-Wan’s sleeping pallet. The young man was curled on his side, his back to his elder, facing the wall. His breathing was steady but sounded slightly congested.

Yoda closed his eyes and reached out with his other senses. The Force confirmed what his nose and ears had told him. The young man was in despair, but he had not harmed himself. There was no blood, only tears. Still, he should not be left alone, for all that he had chosen to close himself up in this small room.

“Here to listen I am, if need that you do.”

Obi-Wan’s breath hitched, but his voice was steady. “I’ve been trying to release my emotions into the Force, Master Yoda, but they keep welling up.” He was quiet for a long moment. “I know I should have better control of myself at my age. I can go to the barracks, I shouldn’t be bothering you.” He began to sit up, ignoring his tear-stained face, mortification beginning to overtake despair.

Yoda laid a clawed hand on his arm, and he stilled instantly.

“Grieving you are, for many things. Never too old you are to feel that. Very hard this has been on you, deserve this you do not.”

Slowly, Obi-Wan lay back down, but did not turn around. “I shouldn’t be acting like a frightened child in the creche.”

Yoda began to run his fingers through Obi-Wan’s hair. It was past time for a haircut, but now was hardly the time to bring that up. He wondered what else might have been neglected during this difficult time. The young man’s breath hitched again.

“Removed from your home you have been. Treated badly you have been. Hurt you have been. Held together long enough you have. Safe you are now, let it out you should.”

He could feel the young man trembling beneath his hand, still trying to hold it in, not wanting to fall apart in front of the one member of the Council who still seemed to want him around, even in the dark.

“Forsaken you are not. Hard path you are on now. Walk alone you do not have to.” He began to rub Obi-Wan’s back, up and down his spine. The bones were a little too prominent under the tunic. Beneath his hand, he could feel the breath hitch again. “Cry it out. In the morning, better it will be.”

Yoda sighed as at last the floodgates opened and Obi-Wan began to silently cry in earnest. Settling down beside the distraught young man, he continued to rub his back and shoulder until the tears stopped and dried and his charge fell asleep.

* * *

“Well, Obi-Wan,” Vygor looked up from his notes at the serious young man sitting across from him. “You’ve been with Master Yoda for two months. Are you feeling more centered and in tune with the Force?”

Obi-Wan smiled faintly. “It is difficult to live with Master Yoda and not feel more attuned to the Force.” His face grew serious again. “As for being centered, yes and no. I do feel calmer, more focused, less adrift, but” he frowned, struggling to put his feelings into words. “I feel as if my center has . . . moved? That I’m reaching toward equilibrium, but it’s not where it used to be.” He scowled at himself, dissatisfied. “Does that make sense?”

Vygor gave him an encouraging look. “That actually makes a lot of sense, and I hear similar things from many Jedi recovering from traumatic events. The Jedi teachings tell us to look within, but they don’t always mention what we should expect to find there. The events in our lives shape us, make us different than we were before. It is normal to feel the change.”

Obi-Wan nodded in agreement but said nothing.

“Master Yoda says that you have been handling your emotions well.”

The padawan blushed, looking at the floor. “I have been doing better, but frankly the only way to go was up.”

Vygor reached out to touch his knee, waiting until Obi-Wan looked him in the eye. “No, it wasn’t. There were far worse places to go.” He could see the young man was considering this, but still didn’t look convinced.

“So,” Vygor stretched, having spent too long in his chair. “We’ve discussed emotion, what about fear? You were obviously suffering both anxiety and fear, what scares you now that you are both different and more settled?”

“I suppose my fears are somewhat typical,” the young man frowned again, always so serious. “We are taught there is no death, but there is still a bone-deep fear of it. Not usually in the heat of battle, but sometimes after, it comes in meditation. I feared it more when I was younger.”

“You’ve had quite the death-defying career as a padawan.”

Obi-Wan only shrugged, as if to say for young Jedi it was par for the course. “There is of course the Dark Side to fear as well, both within and without. There have always been Dark Force users, but the Sith are,” he paused. “It’s more tangible to me now. More . . . personal.”

“Are you still having nightmares and visions?”

Obi-Wan scoffed. “I’ve always had dreams and nightmares. Master Yoda has been going through them with me. I think he is worried there may be a vision in there mixed in with all the psychological flotsam and jetsam.”

“Has there been?” Vygor sounded genuinely intrigued.

“A few,” Obi-Wan admitted, reluctantly. “Master Yoda was always more open to them than Master Jinn. The Force sometimes provides me with insights through dreams, but I don’t know that I have all that many full-fledged visions.”

Vygor checked his notes. “Or perhaps you simply process them well enough that they meld into the normal dreamscape. That’s not unusual for Jedi who are strong in the Unifying Force.”

The young man grew still. “Master Yoda has strongly suggested I work with a seer to focus my dreams. I thought it was because my visions were so infrequent.”

“I doubt that,” Vygor tapped his stylus his datapad. “It’s generally not suggested for Jedi to pursue unless their visions become overwhelming,” Vygor gestured with one hand, indicating this was not the case here. “Or until after a padawan is knighted. That kind of exploration does not suit padawan duties. It can be initially quite exhausting and all-encompassing, but it does sound like something you could do well to pursue after your trials.”

“If I pass.” Clearly that was still a worry.

“Are you afraid of failing them, or letting people down?”

Obi-Wan was silent for several moments, but it was clear from his expression and his Force presence that he was seriously considering the question. “Not as much, or in the same was as before,” he said, at last. “Before,” he waved his hand vaguely, “everything . . . happened, one of my greatest fears was failing in my duty, failing my master. As Jedi, failure doesn’t just mean disappointment or deference of goals, it often means death. Of ourselves, of our friends, of our master, of those we are charged to protect. We must work very hard to ensure we don’t fail. And I did. For a very long time.”

“And what is different now?”

“What I had feared as much has come to pass.”

Vygor looked him in the eye.

“My master rejected me.”

“This was something you feared?”

“Yes,” Obi-Wan shifted uncomfortably. “I failed to meet his standards and expectations. I am a poor student of the Living Force. I was twenty-five years old before he opted to send me to my trials, long after my age-mates, and only when the Force led him to a better prospect. He made it clear he found me immature and impulsive. I didn’t measure up to my predecessor, and then I was out-matched by an untrained nine-year-old.”

Vygor took a moment to chew on this newest psychological bomb Obi-Wan blithely dropped into his lap, as if this should be obvious to everyone. “You feel you didn’t measure up to Jinn’s previous padawan, who never took his trials because he turned to the Dark Side?”

“I knew from the beginning I wasn’t as talented or as strong in the Force as Xanatos. I think that felt safer for Master Jinn. I would never rise as high, but I could never fall as far. I don’t think he could have lived through that again.”

“An interesting insight,” Vygor couldn’t keep the sadness from his voice, and it disturbed him that despite the rather depressive nature of Obi-Wan’s feelings, he actually did feel more stable and optimistic. “Did you always feel this way?”

Obi-Wan looked down. “My apprenticeship was a rocky one, that started off badly. I wasn’t chosen, I was sent to the Agri-Corps. Master Jinn did take me as a padawan learner, but he didn’t trust me. And I betrayed him before he could. He was generous enough to take me back, but he’s not a fool. I worked very hard to earn his trust and be worthy of his teachings, but I never could. My turning was something he always knew could happen, but there are other ways to fail.”

Vygor restrained himself from pulling the young man into his arms like a lost child. It would cross the healer-patient boundary, for all that he clearly needed it. “And now that your fear has happened?”

Obi-Wan shrugged. “It has happened. The galaxy kept spinning, my heart kept beating, time moved on. I should have to learn to live with it. And my master nearly died, which would have been so much worse. There is a difference between personal disappointment and tragedy in life. As painful as failing my trials and being sent to the Service Corps would be, it would be the former.”

“A new perspective,” Vygor mused.

“And experience.” Obi-Wan glanced up at the mobile hanging above Vygor’s desk, deep in thought. The mobile had been a gift from Vygor’s master when he had been granted his own office, the small blown glass spheres representing his native solar system. The vibrant beads dipped and spun, responding to Obi-Wan’s unconscious manipulations. “Master Yoda has assured me that even if I don’t take or pass my trials, there is a place for me in the Order. The Service Corps is a possibility, or I might find a position based out of the Temple. I have more training than I did as a failed initiate, and my diplomatic experience would be useful if I wanted to work as a courier or to assist the older masters.”

“Is that something you want to do? Last we talked, you seemed to think your trials were what you were working toward.”

The mobile slowed, then stilled.

“I want to take my trials, and have the question settled. I don’t want to live in uncertainty anymore. But I also want to be prepared. I want to pass or fail as my best self, not because I missed something I could have done right. But I can’t stay in Master Yoda’s guest room indefinitely, worrying about what I haven’t done. I need to move forward, even if I fail.”

“Do you think you can pass?” Vygor looked at him intently and the mobile began to slowly spin again, this time in the opposite direction.

"I don’t know. Until the Council meeting, Master Jinn had always given every indication I was not ready for them, though I didn’t tend to ask him directly. Master Yoda has been more encouraging, but he always has been, even when I was an initiate on the brink of failure.”

“Master Yoda has evaluated far more Jedi in his lifetime than Master Jinn.” Vygor considered how much he should say. “His concern for your readiness has been primarily with your trauma and the falling out with your master disrupting your equilibrium, not with any lack of skill or ability on your part.”

“Two months ago I would have certainly failed. Now, I don’t know, but after living with Master Yoda, I feel passing is possible. But if I fail, I know the universe will go on, I will go on, and Master Yoda will forgive me.”

“I know I’d prefer to send you toward your trials radiating confidence, but you are mature and pragmatic, which is arguably preferred to over-confidence.” Vygor sighed as he came to the last note on his session itinerary. “Obi-Wan, there is another issue I need to discuss with you before I can in good conscience approve you for your trials.” Obi-Wan stiffened slightly, as if bracing for yet another blow, but the mobile remained still. Vygor took a deep breath. “You told me in a previous session that Master Jinn had neglected your Sexuality Training.”

Obi-Wan flushed with embarrassment, but less than he had the first time he had confessed his virginity. “Is this the passion or the ignorance portion of the session?”

The healer shook his head and forged onward. “I did have to inform your trial masters of your situation, because I was concerned it would prevent your trials.” Vygor tried to project both professionalism and apology to his patient, but the young man kept his face blank. “Masters are supposed to prepare their padawans to deal with their adult emotions, and sexuality can offer both physical and psychological health benefits, but can also lead to emotional disequilibrium and social difficulties.”

Obi-Wan blinked. Even as a virgin, this was not information he was unaware of, having been covered in initiate level health classes.

Vygor continued. “A padawan’s sexuality is considered part of their adult psychological make up, and it may be investigated as part of their Knight’s trials.”

The mobile began to drift again.

“So, because of this lapse in my training, I cannot pass my trials,” he looked away, fidgeting in distress. “And Master Yoda knows about it.” Vygor noted he made no comment about how Master Jinn must have known as well.

“No, well,” Vygor shook his head. “Not exactly.”

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow, not finding any better options in that statement.

“I informed Masters Yoda and Windu of this lapse on Master Jinn’s part. Master Yoda feels that we needed to take care to ensure you were psychologically healthy, but that your trials could proceed.”

Obi-Wan looked distinctly uncomfortable. “Is the Council requiring me to . . . to lose my virginity as part of my trials?” He looked thoroughly flummoxed as to how he could actually accomplish this, much less on a deadline and with proper emotional growth.

Vygor tried to look encouraging. “No. Master Yoda has consulted with other Councilors, and they agree this is not a technical requirement, but have requested that I discuss it with you, and present alternatives so you are prepared should you choose to explore your sexuality independently as an adult.”

Obi-Wan lowered his head into his hands, rubbing his face. “I’m nearly twenty-six years old now. At this point are there really any other options beyond celibacy?”

“That doesn’t need to be a final say in the matter, Obi-Wan.”

The young man held his arms out, at a loss. “How would I even, how would I . . . who could even help me with this?”

Vygor fought the absurd urge to laugh, as it would not help his patient. If Padawan Kenobi simply wanted to get laid, he’d only need to hold up a sign indicating such and wait around for five minutes. Inside the Temple or out. But having sex and being secure in his sexuality were two very different things. No longer a hormonal teenager, Obi-Wan was wiser in these matters than he realized.

“There are other options, Obi-Wan. As I said, the Council will ask about your sexual feelings, but sexual experience is not actually required for Knighthood. There is a long history of chaste Knights and padawans, and they did not all remain so their entire lives. There are also master and padawan pairs that are sexually incompatible, due to species, gender, orientation, or even just psychological or personal incompatibility. If you master had psychological hang ups in regards to training you, he was supposed to arrange for a compatible partner for you. That he did not was a grave disservice to you.”

Obi-Wan frowned. “Did I get him in trouble?”

“Obi-Wan, he got himself in trouble.” The mobile stopped again, suddenly. “However, your candor may have spared Anakin the same fate.”

“Master Jinn feels Anakin’s padawan training is urgent. I don’t necessarily agree he should train as a padawan, but the Jedi can’t leave him in limbo, with no path to walk.” The mobile snapped suddenly to the side before spinning rapidly. Obi-Wan looked up at it sharply, then blushed and intentionally stilled it with a wave of his hand. “Sorry.”

“Is that something the Force is telling you?”

“Yes, Master Vygor.”

“And you’ve been discussing this with Yoda?”

He nodded. “Extensively.”

“Good.”

Obi-Wan looked at him quizzically.

“Obi-Wan, there is no other person in this Temple with a greater motivation for wanting Anakin Skywalker to disappear than you, and you feel the Force is telling you that he needs to be dealt with or trained in some capacity.” He leaned forward. “Maybe you should consider Yoda’s suggestion about developing your talents more?”

The young man nodded, his ‘I will meditate on this further’ face clear.

“Nice dodge, by the way, but I have more to tell you about your options.”

Obi-Wan looked resigned.

“As I was saying, your master should have arranged for a compatible partner for you if he was not going to do it himself. Master Yoda and I agree that if you don’t want to explore your sexuality completely on your own, we,” he gestured between himself and the padawan, “could make these arrangements, preferably after your trials, whenever you feel ready.”

“I see,” Obi-Wan crossed his arms over his chest, mulling the idea over. “To be honest, the idea of trying to . . . engage in that sort of activity is just . . .”

“Overwhelming?”

“Unappealing,” Obi-Wan shrugged. “And overwhelming. I know the Council is concerned, but it feels so unimportant to me right now. Is that a problem?”

“No,” Vygor smiled. “It most definitely is not. You may change your mind later. You may find this is temporary, and given your circumstances, these feelings are very normal. Or you may find that disinterest in sex is normal for you. The major point the Council wants to make clear is that if you do decide to explore your sexuality as a knight, that you are aware of the resources available before you are led into emotional turmoil, and if you end up taking on a padawan learner in the future, that you know what is required, appropriate and how to handle this aspect of their training, even if you don’t do it yourself.” He leaned forward to make his point. “There are plenty of Jedi who are asexual, or sexually incompatible with their students. There is no shame in that, only in leaving them adrift to figure this out on their own.”

“So, I could still pass my trials, despite being untouched and pure?”

He almost moved to explain again that sexuality was normal and not sinful, before he caught Obi-Wan’s lips just barely twitching in amusement.

“Oh, so there is the infamous Kenobi sarcasm.” Vygor rolled his eyes. “I’m approving you to complete your pre-trial requirements. You are ready to move on.” He stood up and shook his hand when Obi-Wan followed suit. “I think you will serve the Order well, regardless of where you end up, and that as hard as your padawan years have been, they have prepared you for what is to come. We do not recommend trials to be rid of inconvenient padawans. Do your best, don’t let your fears prevent you from flying, and don’t think you are unworthy because of your master’s fears.”

Obi-Wan looked down at their joined hands. “I don’t discount your counsel, Master Vygor, but he has trained me for twelve years.”

“Yes, and he needed you to save his ass from a Sith, so don’t sell yourself short.”

Obi-Wan snorted but tears suddenly came to his eyes at the same time.

“You already are a great Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Go reach for the stars.”

* * *

“The Council did not request young Skywalker’s presence at this meeting, Master Jinn.” Mace Windu’s expression was as cold as his tone.

“I have taken Anakin Skywalker as my padawan learner. His place is at my side.”

Anakin tried to look confident in his place, hopelessly caught between Qui-Gon’s yes and the Council’s no. He was neatly dressed in neutral initiate’s clothing and Master Qui-Gon had cut his hair padawan short, but even his almost master didn’t quite have the nerve to actually plait up a padawan braid without the Council’s approval.

“Know you do that Council approval you do not have, Qui-Gon Jinn. Unfair it is to put the child in the middle.” Yoda nodded and a docent stepped forward, bowing. “Additionally, settled issue of Padawan Kenobi you have not.” Qui-Gon opened his mouth to reiterate that Obi-Wan’s training was complete and the Council was holding up his trials, but Yoda’s glare silenced him. “Anakin Skywalker, teaching you Jedi ways Master Jinn has been doing?”

Anakin could mostly understand Yoda’s speech, but was pretty sure the wrinkly green master didn’t like him. “Yes, Master Yoda. He has been teaching me to sit quietly and practice my reading and teaching me about the Jedi Code and how to feel the Force.”

Adi Gallia leaned forward to address the boy. “Being a Jedi is also very physical work. Have you been preparing for this as well, Anakin?”

Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes but did not interrupt the boy.

“Obi-Wan was teaching me some exercises when Master Qui-Gon was stuck with the healers, and after he came home, but he stopped after he moved out.”

Qui-Gon glared at Yoda as if this was his doing. “Yes, apparently he is now preparing for his trials.”

“Yes, told me this Obi-Wan did,” Master Yoda turned back to Anakin, ignoring Jinn’s silent protest. “Good teacher was he?”

Anakin shrugged. “I don’t know. We didn’t do it very long. But he knew a lot of different ones and sometimes he’d let me watch his lightsaber practice, even though he wouldn’t let me build one.”

“More lessons you need first.” He gestured toward the docent who had been waiting patiently. “Appointment we have made you with Curriculum Master. Tests you need to determine what lessons you need. Hutts not known for good schools are. Other teachers you will need.” The docent held out a hand to take the boy to his appointment. Anakin looked to Qui-Gon uncertainly.

“I should go with Anakin,” Jinn began to move but Mace signaled to another Jedi waiting in the wings, who brought a chair into the center of the circle.

“Sit, Qui-Gon. We have plenty to discuss while Anakin is taking his placement tests.”

Qui-Gon did not have a good feeling from the Council, but he sensed no danger to Anakin. “Padawan, go with the docent. I will send Obi-Wan to get you if my meeting runs late.” Qui-Gon tried to smile reassuringly as Anakin reluctantly left.

“Done with stunts are you?” Yoda did not look pleased.

“I have been clear and transparent. I have taken Anakin as my padawan learner. I have repeatedly told you he must be trained. If you will not accept him for training, I have no choice but to train him myself.”

“And as we reminded you the first time, Qui-Gon, you still have a padawan that you have responsibilities toward.” Windu did not seem any more impressed by Jinn’s argument than he had been the first time.

“On the contrary,” Qui-Gon wasn’t quite nervy enough to appear smug. “I have completed my previous padawan’s training. It is the Council who has not allowed him to advance, but I have fulfilled my duties to him.”

“So sure are you?”

Long experience with Master Yoda meant that somewhere deep in Qui-Gon’s mind, a danger klaxon was blaring. “Yes, Master.”

“Well, then,” Mace sat up straighter. “Given that Anakin Skywalker is an extraordinarily unusual prospect, let us discuss your suitability and fitness as his potential master.”

The klaxon blared louder.

“Master Qui-Gon,” Eeth Koth kept his face carefully neutral. “Given your ill health, advanced age and track record with your previous padawans, how do you propose to be an adequate master for a student as challenging as Skywalker is likely to be?”

Wow. They went right for the jugular, didn’t they?

Qui-Gon turned to face the Zabrack, ignoring Master Yoda for the moment. “My health is poor now, but it is improving. Anakin has much to learn at the Temple before he will be ready to go out into the field. By the time he is ready, I will be too.”

“And if you are too old and infirm by the time Skywalker is ready?”

The question, coming from a councilor younger than himself, left a bitter taste in Qui-Gon’s mouth. “I have faith that my recovery will enable my return to the field, despite my age. I do not feel the Force is prompting me to retire.”

Significant looks passed between various Council members.

“What of your previous padawan learners, Master Jinn?” Adi Gallia was stone-faced. “Should we believe they have prepared you for the challenges ahead?”

“I feel all of my padawans provided unique challenges.”

“Successfully knighted your first padawan was.”

Trust Yoda to bring that up.

“Strained your relationship was after Xanato’s betrayal.”

“Feemor works in the Outer Rim. He has not been back to Coruscant in years.”

“Xanatos turned to the Dark Side.” Ki-Adi Mundi had never been one to mince words. “Are you prepared to guide an even stronger student to the Light? And one who is to be even older when he begins his training?”

Even after two decades, Qui-Gon still disliked speaking about his second padawan. “My experience as Xanatos’ master serves to remind me that failure is always a possibility, and to deal with dangerous behaviors before they become a problem.”

“Are you concerned that Obi-Wan could fail to attain knighthood?” Depa Bilaba’a voice was gentle, for all that her question was dagger sharp. “You were relying on him to supplement Anakin’s training while also expecting him to prepare for his trials.”

Qui-Gon moved to answer, but the warning klaxons had gone to full red alert. He had expected at least one of them to bring up Xanatos as soon as the phrase ‘track record with former padawans’ was used, if for no other reason than to unsettle him and test his resolve. He had mentally prepared to rehash his mistakes with his second apprentice, who even he admitted had some similarities to Anakin, for all that one had been practically a prince and the other a slave. He was not sure where they were going if they were jumping straight to Obi-Wan instead.

“I have trained Obi-Wan Kenobi for twelve years and have fulfilled my duties to him. He has learned all he is capable of learning from me. The Force has placed this new responsibility in my hands. Obi-Wan is old enough to be the master of his own fate now.”

“So, you feel if Obi-Wan fails his trials, it is no longer your responsibility.” Mace did not voice this as a question.

“He left my guidance three months ago. If he has forgotten his lessons so quickly, I do not feel I can be held responsible, particularly considering how seriously I was injured.”

“What do you envision for Obi-Wan’s future, for his trials and beyond?” Depa again. It was always difficult when she tag-teamed with her former master.

“Obi-Wan’s future is his own.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wondered if he had stepped into some sort of trap. Most masters would have said they assumed their padawan learners would graduate to Jedi Knights, but he had honestly not thought Obi-Wan was ready, and the boy had done nothing to distinguish himself on their less than routine mission prior to that. It might reflect badly on him later, but Anakin had to be the priority now.

Why can’t they see that?

“You seemed to trust Obi-Wan far enough to have him begin Skywalker’s Jedi education,” Windu raised an eyebrow. “In fact, while we all thought you were dying, you insisted that Obi-Wan train him. You seemed confident enough in his abilities then. Why not now?”

“I was dying. I did the best I could with the resources at hand. It is essential that Anakin be trained. But I didn’t die. And now Anakin’s future is my responsibility.”

“So strange it is, hearing Master Qui-Gon worry about the future.” Yoda was glaring again. “But only one padawan you worry about. Lost one padawan to the Dark Side you have. Confident you are that Obi-Wan will stay in the Light? Sith have returned. Stakes have changed.”

They’re worried that Obi-Wan would turn to the Dark Side? That he would be recruited by the Sith?

“Obi-Wan managed to remain in the Light while fighting a Sith. He was not able to keep up during the battle, but he survived despite losing his lightsaber. I think he is well-prepared to resist the Dark Side and unlikely to be seduced by the Sith.”

There was a long moment of silence as Windu and Yoda shared a look.

“That is what you remember from the fight on Naboo?” Mace asked, incredulous.

“He fell behind.”

“You rushed ahead.”

“He fell off the catwalk.”

“You were stabbed in the chest.”

“He was slow to catch up.”

“He followed you into a kill box and bested the Sith that struck you down.”

“With my lightsaber.”

“So you aren’t satisfied with his training.”

Touche. Apparently he was still following his adversaries into neatly laid traps.

“I’m not satisfied with his performance.”

“Why do you think Obi-Wan is unlikely to be seduced by the Sith?” Depa again. “A padawan who cannot please his master seems ripe fruit to pluck.”

Sweet Force, what has that boy been saying to his psychologist? He had known sending him there was a bad idea.

“Obi-Wan is a poor choice for a Sith for the same reasons the Council has concerns about him facing his trials.”

Hah.

“Elaborate you should.”

“To put it simply, he’s not talented enough. For all that he can use a lightsaber, his usefulness is limited if that Zabrack is the current standard. All the more reason why Anakin needs to be trained in the Light.”

“He seemed talented enough when you took him as your padawan learner.”

Qui-Gon sighed. “Obi-Wan had potential as a boy, but he was hot-headed and stubborn. While he has grown more calm as he has matured, he has shown little improvement in his Living Force skills in the twelve years I have trained him. If the Council feels after three months that he is still not competent to face his trials, perhaps he should not. In the meantime, I could certainly use his assistance in training Anakin in the foundational knowledge he will need as a padawan.”

“Little improvement in twelve years? What of his talents in the Unifying Force?”

“A few vague dreams do not make up for his lack of skills and control.”

He was not sure why, but suddenly the Force had turned cold, as if he had just taken a step too far and was no longer on solid ground.

“Lack of skills and control,” Master Yoda turned to Mace, his tone bitter and painful to hear. “Master Windu, feel you do that Obi-Wan Kenobi lacking is in skills and control?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Remarkable skill and control has he, yes, when twenty-five year old virgin he is.”

The ground gave way. Qui-Gon gripped the arms of his chair, trying to steady himself.

“I am . . . surprised he told you that.”

“Did you assume he would be too embarrassed to admit you found him unworthy of this training?”

“His . . . his lack of maturity made him unsuitable for—”

“Enough.” Yoda’s glare silenced the room. “Ignored Xanato’s hubris you did. Neglected Obi-Wan’s emotional health you have. Barred you are from accepting any padawan learners until dealt with your psychological issues are.”

Jinn’s eyes widened in shock. “Masters, Anakin must be trained. He must. The Force—”

“And he will be,” Mace glared at him. “We have decided to accept him as an initiate, with the understanding that Knighthood is just one possible path for him.”

Qui-Gon took a deep breath. They had agreed to accept Anakin for some training. He had been so certain that he should train the boy himself, but in his panic, the Force was now coy and elusive. “If you are concerned I have been insensitive to my previous padawans’ needs, then have Obi-Wan help me. He can serve as my assistant and provide Anakin with additional emotional support and tempered expectations.”

The room grew colder, from all sides. Has Obi-Wan already failed his trials during the preliminaries?

“Unavailable to train padawans Knight Kenobi is. Already on his first mission he is.”

Qui-Gon struggled to understand what they wanted from him as his whole read on the situation shifted.

"Knight Kenobi?"

Obi-Wan had passed? They hadn’t told him? He had passed and had already left on his first mission?

“You gave him no warning or preparation, you dropped him to take on a different student, you ignored him and you threw him out of his home. And despite all this, when he does pass his trials, you can’t even hide your shock.”

“Anakin needs to be trained.”

“He does,” Mace was cold. “But not by you.”

“Dismissed you are.” Yoda’s face only held disappointment. “Meditate you should on your anger and your fears. Pay for your emotions Obi-Wan has done long enough.” Silently, the assembled Councilors stood and left the chamber. Too stunned to move, Qui-Gon Jinn watched the sun set, trying to grasp when he had gone so far astray and whether the future he had always trusted to come on its own was now doomed.