Work Text:
They were dancing. Alone at home, cheek to cheek in their PJs. He could see them from outside, standing in the cold December night, a cigarette in his hand.
It was K’s favourite time. The night, the dark, the emptiness. Everything hidden, the houses, the street signs, the trees and benches and cars and people and bins. They were all invisible, covered by darkness, trivial signs of trivial lives. Colour was no longer a distraction.
When you take away sight, the night becomes feeling. Fast driving, speed and adrenaline; drinking; kissing, sex; loud music pumping out of speakers. All other senses were alive and buzzing. Sight was fucking overrated.
Besides, what was really important stood out even in the dark. Like now: a lit square on a dark building. A 1st floor window where two boys were dancing slowly, cheek to cheek. They weren’t speaking. K had no time for words either. Touch was enough.
The light went out. K lit another cigarette, unfeeling of the cold. He wasn’t ready to go in yet. He searched inside himself for signs of jealousy. There was lots of it in the beginning. When Adam first came into their lives. It ate him alive some times. In the summer, that crazy wild NY mayhem of a summer, there were times when he fervently hoped it was some phase that Ronan would outgrow, even though he knew Ronan didn’t do ‘phases’. Three months on since Adam had moved to Providence, he had to admit: things actually turned out pretty swell. He didn’t lose Ronan. Instead they fought less, they loved better.
Ronan needed affection and cuddles and K couldn’t do that. How could he? He was never hugged, kissed, caressed - well, not by his father. Mum‘d been tender at first, before she got depressed and hooked on meds.
He struggled with expressing his love the way Ronan wanted. He would buy him whatever he wanted, he would do anything for him, he would give his life for Ronan. But cuddling? Loving words? That wasn’t his thing. Made him feel too fucking vulnerable. Had to start a fight immediately or initiate sex to avoid expressing emotion.
K unlocked the front door quietly. He walked in the bedroom and saw them sleeping cheek to cheek.
Adam was a starved kid as well. He’d never known love, but he was different: he could express it the way Ronan wanted. He walked closer to the bed. Yes, sometimes he worried that Ronan loved Adam more. But this was not one of those times. He knew the three of them were okay. They fit in like pieces of a puzzle. The three of them together worked. He pulled the blanket higher, tucked them in. They didn’t stir. No one was looking, so the armour could disappear for a second. He leaned and kissed Ronan lightly on the cheek, then Adam, and went to sleep in the guest room.