Work Text:
Cling to your dreams. Cling wrap your dreams. Cling wrap your dreams and put them in the freezer for later. Welcome to Night Vale.
*musical intro*
Hello, listeners. I am pleased to announce the opening of a new ice-cream parlor at the end of the lane, just outside the car lot. I can’t think of a more refreshing way to end a hot, hot, hot day. Don’t forget, if you are not hot, hot, hot when you buy ice cream, you will be baked to the right temperature. You will receive ice cream when you are brown on the edges, and soft in the middle, like a woodland deer.
Old Woman Josie, out near the car lot, is often seen getting ice cream at the new ice cream parlor, as it is located where her house used to be. I too have been to get ice cream, and I must say, I am delighted! My ice cream cone was delicious, and I did not find any teeth in it. The waitresses, Ned, were always standing next to my little table, watching me eat. They refilled my ice cream cone continually as I ate. Five stars for service, new ice cream parlor! I will leave a complimentary review on Yelp.
And now, let’s take a look at the community calendar.
Sunday is Mild Annoyance Day. If you are Mildly Annoyed, today is your day to show it! We here in Night Vale are very sensitive to the Mildly Annoyed population. Some of my best friends are Mildly Annoyed! So today is the day that we celebrate your people. There will be a Mildly Annoyed festival two hundred miles from Big Rico’s, from three in the morning to five in the morning. Celebrate your heritage, Mildy Annoyed people! We love you.
Monday, the folk down at Dark Owl Records will eat lunch in an undisclosed location. One of them will forget to bring mustard, and none of them will make eye contact with each other.
Tuesday is brought to you by Red Robin. Yum!
Wednesday has been taken in for questioning by the Sheriff’s Secret Police. If you have any questions, please write them on the back of your right hand with a number two pencil, then bury your hand in the soil and allow the worms to devour your flesh and put it to a better use.
Thursday is stupid. I mean, it’s really dumb. Thursday hasn’t even gotten here yet, and oh my gosh, I am so over Thursday. Like, seriously, Thursday. Get a life. God.
Friday is Kids Night at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Fun Complex! Kids get in free, without paying the usual blood tax. Parents will be required to give twice the usual amount of blood, to make up for this. Please drink plenty of fluids, and wear loose-fitting clothing.
Saturday can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the soul-shattering scream.
That ice cream parlor really is a perfect remedy for our hot, hot, hot desert community! Why, ever since I ate there, my body temperature has not gone a single degree above forty. Boy, do I feel refreshed!
Make sure that you eat your ice cream quickly, when you take it on the road with you. If you eat it too slowly, your ice cream and hands will begin to melt. This could be distracting to yourself and others, so make sure to pick up some extra adhesive napkins.
Also, be careful when buying your children ice cream. The chocolate syrup may become lodged in their throats, choking them. I suggest getting them rainbow sprinkles instead. Their little legs will tickle your kids’ mouths, and your children will be entertained for hours watching them skitter around on their cones. You could even by a sprinkle farm at the local DesertCo!
And now, a word from our sponsor:
Do you suffer from loose bowels?
Do they make you lose your confidence?
Lose your clean pants?
Do you suffer from loose shoelaces?
Do they make you lose your confidence?
Lose your balance?
Do you suffer from loose morals?
Do they make you lose your confidence?
Lose your friends?
Do you suffer from loose things?
Have you noticed how loose things make you lose things?
Like your marbles?
Have you ever lost marbles, really?
You can lose marbles. Can you loose marbles?
I don’t know.
There are many things that I do not know.
But I do know that Geico can save you 15 percent or more on car insurance.
It seems that there are very many irresponsible ice-cream eaters out there. I see puddles of melted hands all over Night Vale. Very sloppy people! Remember, littering is a crime, punishable by immediate arrest and re-education.
Those of us who finished our ice cream before it melted are feeling very, very refreshed. I myself am feeling so refreshed that I seem to have frozen to my seat and headphones. I am feeling very, very, VERY refreshed, Night Vale. A thin coat of frost is collecting on my skin. I can’t feel my feet. Not that I could ever feel my feet.
So, before my broadcasting equipment freezes, I take you now, dear listeners, to the weather.
“This world is falling apart
But I gotta try
I got my Louisville slugger
Gonna purify
Purify
Hey batter batter swing
There isn’t anything
You can throw at me
That’ll scare me faze
This world is tumbling down
Burning to the ground
But I’m coming to town
(I’m gonna purify)
Open up
(Gasp)
Let the smoke rush in
Fill me up
With righteous fury
Drowning in the weight of my sins
Like a river of meat that parts around me
Hey batter batter hey batter batter swing
Hey batter batter hey batter batter swing
Hey batter batter hey batter batter swing
This is my calling
This is my thing
Everything is going to Hell
Specters everywhere
It’s just as well
I don’t want money and I don’t want fame
I’ll purify because
(It’s a video game)
I’m a puppet of God
I’m a man of faith
And it’s my choice
To choose to stop
It’s my choice to turn it off
Open up
(Gasp)
Let the smoke rush in
Fill me up
With righteous fury
Drowning in the weight of my sins
Like a river of meat that parts around me
Hey batter batter hey batter batter swing
Hey batter batter hey batter batter swing
Hey batter batter hey batter batter swing
This is my calling
This is my thing
Blood stains all up my legs and bat
The Judge always knows what to say
But I don’t need him, I’m a puppet of God
And I’ve enjoyed it all the way
So bring me the meat
Bring me the smoke
Bring me the metal and the melted plastics
Bring me the sugar
Bring me the specters
This is fantastic
I was born to do this thing
Hey batter batter
Hey batter batter swing
Open up
(Gasp)
Let the smoke rush in
Fill me up
With righteous fury
Drowning in the weight of my sins
Like a river of meat that parts around me
Hey batter batter hey batter batter swing
Hey batter batter hey batter batter swing
Hey batter batter hey batter batter swing
This is my calling
This is my thing”
Welcome back, dear listeners.
I am sorry to report that the hot, hot, hot sun has won once again. The ice has thawed, and my skin is once again at a steady 150 degrees. Summer, right? Geez.
The puddle cleaners are out on the street as usual, busily mopping up the melted hands, and we have avoided another littering catastrophe. You know how unpleasant littering catastrophes are.
And now we are here, dear listeners, languishing under the blazing sun once again. And what for? Why do we continue to slowly bake in this desert town when the celestial cooking class should’ve taken us out of the oven years ago?
Perhaps we will never know, Night Vale. It is our lot in life, not to know, and it is better that way. In a world where everybody knows something about everything, it is a rare and beautiful gift, not to know. We should enjoy the not-knowing, dear listeners. We should embrace it, and not just because knowing is illegal. Because not knowing is far more pleasant than knowing. And if we knew, then what would be the point of learning, even though learning is also illegal?
The answer?
I don’t know.
There are many things I do not know, Night Vale. There are many things I wish I could say, but cannot. There are many emotions that I am capable of feeling, but choose not to. But there are two things that I do know, Night Vale. One, Geico will save you 15 percent on car insurance.
Two, I will always be here, whispering comfortingly in your ear when there is no more comfort, or whispers, or ears. I am here for you, Night Vale, and as long as you are listening, I will be talking.
Good night, Night Vale. Goodnight.