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Tears spilled out of his eyes, streaking his cheeks and leaving small stain trails in the face-paint there. He stood looking at the gravestone, emotions swirling inside him like a hurricane, the most prominent being pain, regret, sorrow, hurt, and anger. The words on the stone had gone blurry along with most of his vision as he silently cried, the tears never ending. He hadn't visited the grave in ages yet the stone had been kept up, the grass and weeds around it kept in check, and flowers around the base that seemed to be replaced by fresh ones regularly. He knelt, hesitantly reaching out and placing a hand softly on the stone, the surface cold as he remembered the body being that day. He hadn't been able to cry then, but he could now, now that he'd learned it was okay to feel, okay to express.
"I'm sorry I haven't visited, I've been...avoiding it, if I'm being honest. Gotta get used to that now, being honest. It's weird how much things have changed, how I've changed, just in the short two years since you died. I don't know exactly what happened, but I think it's going to be okay now. I have a new partner, didn't want one at first and I fought tooth and nail not be get one, didn't want to replace you, didn't want to forget you. But I realize now that I needed this, to help me move on, help me grow. I've learned it's okay to be open and express what I'm feeling, Hell I've learned it's okay just to feel. I think he helped me realize that. You'd like him, he's a lot like you, bold, blunt, honest, kind. I think you two would've gotten along well. Anyway, I'm still getting used to this whole thing, still not that great at it but I think everything will be fine, but I wanted to tell you I'm doing fine. I know you worried about me, about how I would cope if something like this happened. Honestly I'm still not at a hundred percent, and my new partner worried about me the same way, but I think I've learned how to accept and move on. It's hard sometimes, you not being here, and I'm scared I'll forget you someday. But things will work out. I'm sorry I couldn't help you Ray, I'm sorry I failed you. I'll do my best to be better for Jeremy, to be a better partner and friend."
The tears slowed but still fell as he spoke, uncaring about the stains they'd leave behind or the paint on his face that would be running. He stood and wiped his eyes, casting one last look at the grave of his old partner, before turning and walking back to where the car was parked. He sat down and gripped the wheel, clenching and unclenching his hands for a moment.
"You okay?"
He let out a shaky breath and nodded, turning to the passenger seat, the younger man sitting there looking at him gently. He nodded and smiled softly.
"I think I will be," he sniffled and reached out, taking the lad's hand in his, interlacing their fingers. "I will be now."