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CELEBRITIES LIVE ON BROADWAY 3
Yet another variety show for charity was being made for HBO.
The charity was for spinal cancer.
Once again, Bruce Campbell was hosting, and the all star cast included Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Brie Larson, Margot Robbie, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pine, Chris Evans, Chris Pratt, Christoph Waltz, Megan Fox, Anna Kendrick, Milla Jovovich, Cara Delevigne, Mark Hamill, Jamie Dornan, Michael Fassbender, Simon Pegg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lucy Lawless, Ted Raimi, Renee O'Connor, Gal Gadot, Johnny Depp, Mike Myers, Karen Gillan and some surprise appearances.
Directing the show was none other than both Brie Larson and Olivia Wilde.
The duo have directed a movie before and were chosen to direct this show.
“The best thing about having two directors,” Brie began in her interview. “Is when something goes wrong, you can blame the other.”
“Like when you’re a kid and you broke a vase,” laughed Olivia. “Also, when the shit really hits the fan, you can do this….”
She and Brie hugged each other and began to cry.
“What has been the biggest challenge of making this production?” asked the interviewer.
“Oh, where to begin,” said Brie. “Having to put up with Scottish people saying the C word none stop…..”
“Having to put up with Bruce making fun of everyone, including us,” added Olivia.
“Creating a graphic looking monster in the Milla and Emma sketch,” Brie added.
“And having to deal with Chris Hemsworth and Margot Robbie naked,” said Olivia.
One sketch features Margot and Chris stark naked.
“Everyone get a stiffie from the last show we did,” explained Chris. “Plus we just like taking it off all the time.”
“We’re from Australian, and we get hot a lot,” explained Margot. “You’d be too. This sketch will cure erectile dysfunction.”
The “Land of Fetishes” sketch features Simon Pegg as the owner of a brothel who is serving Michael Fassbender’s character looking for a fetish.
“We have ever fetish known to man,” explained Simon. “EVERY……….SINGLE………...FETISH.”
“What’s your fetish?” asked the interviewer.
“Mine is the Princess Leia bikini fetish,” replied Simon.
The Milla/Emma sketch Brie spoke of, has Milla Jovovich and Emma Stone playing the Pascal sisters fighting off demons.
“In ‘Celebrities Live in London 2’,” explained Milla. “Our characters fought off a cum monster. And the monster in this one is just as explicit.”
Milla will also play another character in the comedy fighting sketch called “Knockout”. A sort of Looney Tunes meets Mortal Kombat.
There are many hilarious characters involving a narcissistic bodybuilder Barrett Tyrell, an Aussie biker chick (played by Margot), a cowgirl called Sinead Switchblade, played by J-Law, an angry Irishman played by Jamie Dornan and a transvestite called Olivia Hertz played by Christoph Waltz.
“I have never dressed up in women's clothing before, and I can’t seem to stop,” explained Christoph.
Christoph will be also appearing in the “All Chrises Party” sketch where everyone called Chris is invited including Pratt, Pine, Hemsworth, Evans and even Walken.
Yes, even Walken.
Hemsworth will also be appearing in a sketch called “Masturbators Anonymous”, where people of an amazing physique explain their secret: Masturbation. The sketch will also star Gal, Milla, Brie, Anna Kendrick and some guest stars.
Brie, Anna and Cara Delevigne have all written a song dedicated to their friend, Tom Holland. It’s called “Spoiler Tom”.
“Tom’s a nice chap,” explained Cara. “But fuck me, does he give away spoilers.”
Anna will be acting alongside Megan Fox’s Barbarella.
“Anna will be playing Barbarella’s number one fan,” explained Megan. “God help Barbarella, as she has to take this fan on a mission.”
Bruce Campbell’s ‘Xena’ co-stars Lucy Lawless, Renee O’Conner and Ted Raimi will appear in a sketch set in a liquor store. Lucy plays a depressed woman who wants a bottle of wine because she found out her son is gay, whereas Renee plays a woman who wants a bottle of champagne, because she found out her daughter is a lesbian.
“And the two of us argue about it,” said Lucy.
“It pokes fun at parents who make a big deal about nothing,” explained Renee. “It’s a shame that I don’t have my tight abs from my ‘Xena’ days, cos I would be in the ‘Masturbators Anonymous’ sketch.”
Finally, Karen Gillan has written a sketch about a Scottish family called the Junkies. Starring her, Mike Myers, Johnny Depp and Chris Pine.
“We play a foul mouthed family on a car ride,” explained Karen. “We call each other ‘cunts’, but we love each other. Just yer average Scottish family.”
Months went by, and the show was ready to air live on HBO.
The audience in the theatre got into their seats as the show was about to begin.
The HBO logo came on the lights went dim.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO ‘CELEBRITIES LIVE ON BROADWAY 3’! AND HERE’S YOUR HOST, THE GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVYYYYYYYYYYY BRUCE CAMPBELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!”
The audience cheered as Bruce ran onto the stage in a suit.
“Good evening Ladies and jerks, welcome to the show. We have quite a show for you tonight. This is just like SNL, but good. We have nudity, fighting, cursing, and a monster that is quite explicit. If your offended by all of this, you can blame our directors Brie Larson and Olivia Wilde. Speaking of offensive material, our first sketch is a Scottish family having a car ride. Written by and starring Karen Gillan, and also starring Chris Pine, Mike Myers and Johnny Depp!”
The audience cheered as Bruce walked off stage and the curtains opened to reveal a car sitting in front of a rear projector screen. Inside the car was Johnny at the wheel, Mike in front, and Chris and Karen in the back.
They all performed with convincing Scottish accents.
“Man, pull the car over,” begged a desperate Mike.
“Fuck off, I am not pullin’ over,” said Johnny.
“Man, if you don’t pull over, I’m gonna pish meself,” said Mike.
“Dickhead, that’s what happens when you drink all the Irn-Bru!” said Chris, as he held up an empty 3 litre bottle of Irn Bru.
“I couldn’t help it if I was thirsty!” replied Mike. “Man, find the services quick.”
“The Services are 2 miles away,” said Johnny.
“Man, if we don’t get to a toilet soon, I’m gonna fill up this car with pish,” explained Mike. “Like what Nic Cage did in ‘Celebrities Live In London 2’.”
“Fuck off, you are NOT pishing in my brand new car!” snapped Johnny.
“Well, you better get there soon,” warned Mike.
“You are a fuckin’ fanny!” replied Johnny.
The rear screen projector showed the Services whizzing past. Mike got annoyed.
“YOU DROVE PAST IT DICKHEAD!”
Johnny smirked. He loved how it was annoying Mike.
“We’ll stop at the next one,” said Johnny.
“THE FUCKIN’ NEXT ONE IS 30 MINUTES AWAY, YA CUNT!” snapped Mike.
“Will ya wait for 30 minutes?” Johnny asked him.
Mike then began to unzip his trousers.
“No, Mike!” cried Karen.
“Oh God, he’s gonna pish in here!” laughed Chris.
“Man, drive back there now!” warned Mike. “I will pish in your car.”
“NO!” snapped Johnny.
“Johnny, I mean it! I will pish all over your dashboard!” warned Mike.
“Ere, use this,” said Chris as he gave Mike the empty 3 litre bottle.
“Fuck off!” snapped Johnny. “What is this? ‘Dumb and Dumber’?”
Mike placed the bottle down below and began to pee into it. He gave a massive sigh of relief.
Suddenly the car bumped and a small splash of piss hit Mike’s shirt.
“Ere, don’t get any pish in here!” snapped Johnny.
“Watch out for the speed bumps here!” Mike snapped back.
After 20 seconds of peeing, Mike had finished. He held up the bottle which was filled up with piss.
“Chris, give me the top,” said Mike.
Chris searched for the top, but he couldn’t find it.
“Hurry up!” snapped Mike.
“I can’t find the top!” replied Chris.
“Well, you better find the top!” warned Mike.
“Dickhead, you’re the one who drank the Irn-Bru!” snapped Chris.
Just then, the car hit another speed bump, and that caused Mike to let go off the bottle, and all the piss came out and splashed all over Karen.
“OH MY GOD!” she cried. “YOU ARE HAVING A LAUGH, YA CUNTY BASTARD!”
Chris burst out laughing. Johnny was furious.
“YOU’RE CLEANING THAT UP!” he cried to Mike.
“OKAY!” replied Mike.
Chris kept laughing.
“CHRIS, SHUT UP!” snapped Johnny. “Go to sleep.”
Chris then closed his eyes and began to sleep.
Then he put his hand in his pants.
“Oh Gal, oh Gal……”
“Oh fuck, he’s having that dream about that actress again,” said Karen.
Then Chris started to masturbate in his sleep!
“Now he’s wanking!” cried Karen.
“He’s sleepwanking,” laughed Mike.
“Quick! Somebody wake him up,” warned Johnny. “Before he…….”
SPLAT! All of the windows of the car was covered in sperm. Johnny stopped the car, and he and the others got out. They were covered in cum. The whole audience groaned in disgust.
“Sorry about that,” yawned Chris.
“You!” snapped Johnny. “You’re cleaning that up when we get home, ya dirty bastard!”
The curtains closed and Bruce walked back on the stage.
“Talk about a climax,” he said to the audience. “Anyway, our next sketch is just as filthy. It’s called ‘The Land of Fetishes’. Enjoy!”
He walked off stage and the curtains opened to reveal a corridor set, with about 10 doors.
At the end of the corridor was Simon Pegg in a suit sitting behind a desk writing out some forms. Michael Fassbender then walks in.
“Hello sir,” greeted Simon.
“Hello, I would like to have a fetish please,” said Michael.
“Certainly sir,” said Simon as he got up. “Now which fetish would you like?”
“I don’t know,” said Michael. “Which ones would you consider the best?”
“Well, we have the foot fetish,” explained Simon. “This is Quentin Tarantino’s favourite section. We also have……”
He brought Michael to one of the doors.
“We have the vomit section.”
“Vomit section?” asked Michael in disbelief.
“Yes, many people get off on vomit,” said Simon.
Simon opened the door to reveal a room, with the walls and floor covered in vomit.
“Ugh,” groaned Michael in disgust. “How can people find vomiting sexy? No thanks.”
Simon closed the door.
“By the way, have you ever seen the film ‘Guest House Paradiso’?”
“Just get on with it,” said Michael.
Simon brought Michael to another door.
“We have the shit room,” said Simon as he opened the door to reveal a room where the walls and floor were covered in shit.
“Ugh, no!” cried Michael.
“It is the favourite room of both Japanese director Noburo Iguchi, and the Angry Video Game Nerd,” said Simon.
“No thanks!” snapped Michael.
Simon closed the door and brought Michael to another door.
“We have the adult baby room,” said Simon as he was about to open the door.
“Stop!” cried Michael. “Do you have a room that is actually sexy? Nothing to do with shit, vomit, or adult babies.”
“What is your favourite part of a woman’s body?” asked Simon.
“I am a leg man,” said Michael.
“Ah, you’ll like this one,” said Simon as he brought Michael to yet another door.
“Sir, meet Legs McCoy.”
Simon opened the door and out came Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Legs McCoy, dressed in a sports bra, hot pants and tights, revealing her sexy thighs. Legs pulled out a chair and sat on it whilst sticking one of her legs up in the air. Michael felt turned on as a massive erection bulged out of his trousers.
“Sir, I have found my fetish,” he said to Simon.
“Excellent choice, sir,” Simon said to Michael. “Have fun.”
Legs took Michael by the hand and brought him into the room and closed the door.
“Another satisfied customer,” said Simon as he went back to his desk.
Just then, Milla Jovovich and Emma Stone, dressed in long red coats came in.
“Ladies, how can I help you?” asked Simon.
“We’re the Pascal sisters,” said Milla’s character. “I’m Nadia, and she’s Saskia. Do you have a Legs McCoy here?”
“Yes, I do,” said Simon. “But she is with a customer. Why, is she in trouble?”
“You could say that,” Emma’s character, Saskia replied.
Simon walked over to Legs’ door and opened it.
“Miss McCoy, someone here to see you,” he said.
Legs then walked out and saw the Pascal sisters.
“Yes?”
Nadia then threw some holy water at her, and it caused her to scream like crazy. Michael, with no shirt on, ran out.
“What the hell is going on?”
“Sir, you were about to be attacked by a demon,” Saskia told him.
“What?” asked Michael.
Legs walked out and this time, she has piranha like teeth. Simon and Michael were in shock.
“What the?”
“Legs McCoy is a demon who likes to bite dicks off and keep them in her collection,” explained Nadia.
“By the way, have you ever seen the movie ‘Teeth’?” asked Saskia.
Simon and Michael covered their crotches.
“No, and I don’t want to!” they answered.
“Sister, will you do the honours?” asked Nadia.
“Love to,” said Saskia as she pulled out a dagger and stabbed Legs in the chest with it. Legs roared demonically as she fell to the floor, dead.
“Holy shit,” said Michael.
“Don’t worry, my sister and I will get rid of the body,” said Nadia.
And with that, she and Saskia lifted up the body of Legs McCoy and took her outside.
“Oh, look at all this blood, I’ll have to send in our female Swedish janitor,” said Simon.
That caught Michael’s attention.
“Swedish?”
“Yes,” answered Simon. “You’ll like her, she’s Swedish. Alicia!”
Alicia Vikander, playing the janitor walked in with the mop. She then stopped and looked at Michael. Their eyes locked.
“I always had a thing for Swedish girls,” said Michael.
“And I always had a thing for Irish and German men,” swooned Alicia.
“Sir,” Michael told Simon. “I have found my fetish.”
“Me too,” added Alicia.
“Okay then,” said Simon.
Michael and Alicia ran into the room and closed the door. The Pascal sisters walked back in.
“Ladies, I want to thank you for saving my Land of Fetishes,” Simon said to them. “Is there anyway I could thank you?”
The sisters had a crafty smile.
“Do you have a Magic Mike room?” asked Saskia.
“Do we ever,” said Simon, as he brought them to a room and opened the door.
Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans came out shirtless and took the Pascal sisters by the hands and brought them inside.
“Another pair of satisfied customers,” said Simon with a proud look on his face.
The curtains closed and the audience applauded as Bruce walked back on the stage.
“Ah, the filth HBO produces. Don’t you just love it? Join us after the break where we’ll see more filth. See ya.”
The audience applauded as Part 1 ended.