Chapter Text
Dripping sounds, the hisses of hydraulic machines and steam, and the whirring sounds of the automatic stirrers emanated from the large contraption and various bottling setups in front of Professor Zundapp, who checked his notes on a clipboard and looked at his bulletin board, overflowing with hastily scribbled notes and chemical formulas.
It was quite an unusual setting to see the weapons engineer in, but he had slowly started getting more competition as more cars began studying engineering and started designing their own technology, and now it seemed he couldn’t turn around without bumping into someone who had just created a new miniature Taser that fitted nicely on a lug nut, or self-camouflaging spike strips that could be subtly deployed, or whatever the gadget du jour was. To the professor, it seemed that inventing new drugs and chemical compounds was the way to go. After all, some of these new gadgets deployed poison, and others defended against poison, so new deadly chemicals were needed too! But his current project wasn’t meant for lethal use, it was rather a drug to benefit his fellow lemons. He had issues getting the most out of the gas he drank, so he decided to try something to increase his fuel efficiency. And it wasn’t just for lemons- everybody wanted to be more efficient, after all! If all went as planned, the Janus and his compatriots would be millionaires, and money could often be a quick path to power.
He’d been (unsuccessfully) making new compounds for a few days now, and he flipped to the page of his clipboard that had several crossed out names on it. He took his pen and circled the only remaining name: “Savezaprine”, the compound he was currently working on, making some notes about it.
The door opened suddenly, and Petrov Trunkov rolled through the doorway, looking around. “You’ve been busy, Professor,” he observed.
J. Curby Gremlin followed after him, and he only let out an impressed whistle.
“What is it, gentlemen?” Professor Z sighed.
“We wanted to know if you could join us for a few drinks in the bar,” J. Curby said.
Professor Z looked back at his setup. “I can’t leave this unattended, something could catch fire or worse,” he said.
“It’s only going to be a few minutes,” Petrov tried to persuade him. “What are the odds of something happening within the time it takes to have a round of octane daiquiris??”
Professor Z finally acquiesced. “I suppose I could join you for a little while,” he said.
“You needed a break anyway, you’ve been stuck in this little room for months, only coming out for gas and oil changes,” J. Curby said.
The professor enjoyed a few drinks with the other lemons, and he had a pretty good time getting to see everyone again after a long time of solitary work.
When he returned to his lab, slightly buzzed but otherwise mostly alert, he saw that the medicine had finished processing, and nothing had caught fire, but something smelled weird and sweet, almost like lavender but with a distinctly chemical undertone.
Professor Z didn’t remember the medicine having quite that smell when he started making it, but in his inebriated state he didn’t bother to double check what he used to make the drug, and had also chalked this smell up to the process causing a change in odor, and put it into capsules. It was now ready to test! The only thing he needed were some willing test subjects.
Outside of the hall, he heard a loud thud and quite a commotion before he could think on the matter any longer, so he went to investigate. It soon became evident that everyone was being loud because Wilbur, an agent relatively new to their alliance, had gotten himself into a sticky situation. The three-wheeled Reliant Regal had gotten very intoxicated, forgot that he couldn’t take corners as quickly as his four-wheeled peers and rolled himself over while trying to keep up with the others.
“Is that the professor…?” he slurred. Wilbur had rolled almost onto his roof, only his bumping into a wall stopping him from making the full revolution, leaving him suspended at a weird angle.
Grem muttered angrily under his breath, getting down low onto his tires and trying to get his hood up underneath the Regal’s side.
“No, no, no!! You’re making it worse! You’re supposed to do it like this!” Victor argued, and tried to do the exact same thing as Grem but instead of approaching him from his side he approached him from the front, and hit him a little too hard.
“That’s worse, that’s worse! Don’t!” Wilbur objected.
“Hey, it’s the Professor! He can help!” someone pointed out.
Everyone- that is, everyone who wasn’t presently almost upside-down- turned to face him.
“Me? Look at me, what would I do? I’m too short,” he said.
“I don’t know, use one of your gadgets!” Victor suggested. “I’m sure you have a machine that gets cars right side up again! If not you really should invent one!”
“Yeah, you’re smart, your ideas are good,” added Acer.
“I don’t care what it is, I’ll try it if it gets me right side up!” Wilbur groaned. The edge of his roof was really starting to hurt from having most of his weight on the area, which really wasn’t designed to support the rest of his chassis.
Suddenly, as he felt the eyes of all the lemons on him, an idea came to him. He did, actually, have some willing test subjects right here. More willing than usual, on account of their being somewhat intoxicated from the partying they’d just done.
He dashed back to his laboratory, and returned with both a grappling hook and a beaker full of capsules.
He set down both items in front of himself.
Acer poked at the grappling hook and bottle of pills with his tire.
“What are these supposed to do?” he asked incredulously.
“Well, we don’t have a tow cable, so this should work,” said Professor Z, picking up the grappling hook. “And you’ll find out what those pills are for later- Boris! I just said later!!”
The Riva put the pills back down. “I didn’t touch it!” he lied. “It… uh, it’s an accident.”
Professor Z hooked the grappling hook under the Regal’s side and deployed it, backing up to stretch it out, then retracted it, which quickly pulled him back upright.
“Whoa! I’m dizzy now…” Wilbur said.
“Okay, now these pills…” Professor Z said, holding up the beaker for everyone to see. “I’ve decided to also start making different kinds of medicines and poisons, as you know. This is my first successful attempt at a medicine, a fancy new drug which will increase fuel efficiency!”
This got everyone’s attention, and they all murmured in excitement.
“After all, everyone wants to be more fuel efficient. And I’d like to use you all as my test subjects,” he continued. “Just take one of these, please.”
“Wait!” Grem drove forwards, ahead of the crowd. “Why are you testing this on us? I mean… I don’t know about the rest of you all, but I didn’t sign up to be tested on, I signed up to whoop some bumpers!”
Most of the others agreed.
“But… Grem, if we don’t do it, the professor won’t be happy… you don’t wanna get fired, do you?” Tyler pointed out.
“Wait, we’re getting fired if we don’t try his miracle pills??” Petrov cried out.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” Boris asked. “I wanna be efficient!”
“What a stupid question! For starters-“
“Stop! If it’ll make you feel better… I’ll try it on myself too,” said Professor Z. The Janus got out one capsule and held it up for everyone to see, and then swallowed it.
“It’s nothing bad. We’ll all try it together. Do you really think I would want to sabotage my fellow lemons?” he said.
The other cars looked at each other.
“Well… if it’s good enough for Professor Z, it’s good enough for me,” Victor reasoned.
Soon they had all tried a sample of the fuel-efficiency pills.
“Now… we just need to see what happens to us and write it down,” the professor instructed everybody. “This could make us millions!!”