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“Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.” -Marianne Williamson
Being one of the few survivors of a battlefield filled with bloodshed will always affect your life in more ways than one. All the pain and guilt is enough to wear down your soul until nothing is left but raw agony. The feeling of self-worthlessness overpowers every positive emotion that could ever enter your system. The physical, emotional and mental evidence it leaves behind is a mirror for the outside world to see just how dark your soul has become.
It’s like a war with everyone and everything around you and you have no control over it.
~~~
Dean Winchester signed up for the army after Cas graduated from college.
“Just let me do a few tours Cas. That’s it. It’ll be enough to get us by.” He told him that night.
The blue-eyed man didn’t have a choice but to let his boyfriend go. He was always the one who understands more but this is the most difficult thing he had to go through.
The next morning Dean left him, duffle bag in hand. Castiel kissed him longingly because he knows it will be a long time before they would see each other again.
In the span of the next few years, they only communicated through written letters. Castiel worked for the News Paper and Dean was somewhere out there, fighting for the country. They’d tell each other about their separate lives and small events that happened within the time period.
Castiel learned that Dean was badly injured and shaken up from an attack that happened a month ago. A bomb had gone off while they were on the field and was followed by continuous gunshots from both sides. They lost many soldiers – friends – that day and Dean was one of the fortunate ones to walk back to camp with only injuries.
He gripped Dean’s letter in his hands as tears streamed down his face. That was a close call. He could’ve lost Dean and if that happened, Castiel might not know what to do.
The years flew by in a dull haze and before Castiel knew it, Dean was back but that night when they made passionate love to each other Castiel knew he wasn’t the same. There was something different about him.
Castiel was satisfied. He had a job and Dean was with him. Everything was fine, great even.
Or so he thought
One week after Dean came home, Castiel came back to an empty house. The lights were off, the car was gone, and Dean was nowhere to be found. He kept on calling Dean and left him a ton of messages that came unanswered.
He tried to sleep it off. Dean was probably hanging out with some old friends.
Someone opened the door way too loudly that waked Castiel up. He sat up and was ready to attack the intruder when he realized it was Dean. He was utterly drunk judging by the way he moved and also the strong smell of alcohol filled the room.
Dean stepped forward and almost fell but Castiel caught him. He placed an arm around his waist and guided him to the bed. Dean grabbed Castiel’s shirt and crashed his lips on him. The man tried to push him away but Dean has gripping him too tight.
His back hit the bed as Dean crawled on him, kissing him all over.
“Dean. Stop. Just wait a minute.” His voice showing panic and concern.
“No.” was the simple reply.
Dean removed all their clothes in an instant. Castiel locked eyes with him for a few moments and he can tell that there is something definitely wrong. Dean was not just drunk there was something else.
Castiel was caught off guard when Dean’s hard cock penetrated him. He released a cry of pain.
“Dean. Stop. You haven’t put on lube.” He pleaded as Dean began to thrust in him.
Castiel tried to push him away but the ex-soldier had a tight grip on his hands. He kept on pounding in him harder and faster. Tears and whimpers escaped the man’s eyes.
“Dean. Please.” He said through his whimpers and tears.
That didn’t stop Dean from fucking him until Castiel went numb with pain.
After they both came, Dean pulled out of him and instantly fell asleep. Castiel turned his back, his pillow wet from tears. His body ached so much but he was much more emotionally devastated because that wasn’t Dean. His Dean would never do anything to hurt him like that.
Castiel cried himself to sleep that night.
The next day Dean somehow doesn’t remember a thing from last night. He woke up and expected Castiel to be fine but when he reached out, the blue-eyed man flinched away.
“Hey, Cas. What’s wrong?” Dean grumbled as he rubbed his sleepy eyes.
“Y-you don’t remember? Last night you were… horribly drunk and…” Castiel’s voice trailed off. He didn’t want to remember last night because it still hurt, his body is still in pain.
Dean’s green eyes grew wide as he suddenly remembered everything. He went home drunk and he… He hurt Castiel. Oh God, he thought. How could he do such thing to the man he swore to love and protect? He really felt sick right now.
“Cas I’m… I’m sorry.” Dean pleaded. “I didn’t know what I was doing. I-I’m just really sorry.”
Of course Cas forgave him. That’s what love is after all.
But that was the day Dean really started to change. Castiel would come home to a cheerful, happy persona of Dean but he looked very restless so it was really unusual. Every time he asked if Dean was really okay, the ex-soldier would reply with a ‘yes’ and quickly change the topic. Castiel knows he wasn’t okay. His boyfriend was escaping from the horrors he experienced during his tours.
Castiel was more than willing to listen and comfort Dean if only he would talk about it. Now it seems he has found a way to keep all those nightmares at bay.
What truly upset Castiel was when he found out what Dean had been doing to take his mind off of things.
He had come home earlier than he normally does. Castiel expected Dean to be on the couch and watching TV but somehow all the lights in their house were off except for a little glow seeping through the half open bathroom door. He walked down the hall and into the bathroom where he saw Dean, hunched over the toilet and puking. Castiel also noticed a strange powdered substance, a razor blade and a small piece of straw by the bathroom counter.
“Cas.” Dean breathed. “Get out. Please”
“No. Dean… what’s happening?” Castiel asked in confusion.
“Just get out.” Dean pleaded before he heaved into the toilet again.
But Castiel didn’t get out like Dean told him to do. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t even think straight. Thoughts and questions ran a hundred miles per minute in his head and that overwhelmed him.
Dean staggered back and wiped away the remaining puke on his lips. He couldn’t look at Castiel let alone give an explanation to all this. Dean felt pathetic and weak especially now that Castiel got to witness his little secret.
“I’m sorry.” Dean whispered. His eyes lingered on the bathroom floor as he clutched his head and kept repeating the phrase -- hot tears streamed down his cheeks. Dean felt a hand on his shoulder and immediately looked up. And there he was, Castiel with his blue eyes and unkempt dark brown hair. He was smiling at Dean. It wasn’t the taunting kind of smile -- it was soft, kind of apologetic and understanding.
“I won’t get mad as long as you explain everything. What’s been happening to you? Why cocaine?” Castiel’s voice was gentle almost soothing for Dean who was about to break down.
There was silence between them for a few minutes as Dean tried to regain his normal breathing.
“It was because of everything, Cas. Being away from you for a long time was bad enough but when you get to be in the middle of a battlefield, watching your comrades die in front of you, it’s something else.” Dean stated. “Then when I came home, I keep on seeing them die over and over again. I decided to drink all those nightmares away and this guy offered something to help me, said his name was Alastair. I don’t know man… I was very drunk and I took the offer.”
At that point Castiel felt angry with that shady guy named Alastair who was a scum to people. He was one of the reasons why Dean hit rock bottom. Also, Castiel felt angry with himself for ignoring the fact that nobody came home emotionally uninjured from a battlefield. He should’ve been there for Dean earlier on instead of witnessing what he has become.
“It felt good. I felt extremely happy for some reason beyond my understanding. I-I couldn’t stop because if I tried, the nightmares kept on coming back. I got too dependent.” Dean added as he leaned his head against the wall. “I’m sorry Cas but I totally understand if you hate me now. I’m weaker than you think and it’s really pathetic.”
“No.” Cas shook his head. “I’m the one who’s sorry because I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve talked to you about this sooner and maybe get you some help with those nightmares.”
“I am not angry at you Dean. I completely understand the choices you made given the circumstances you were in. It is only human to make such errors and with those errors we learn.” Castiel continued. He stood up and got rid of the drug paraphernalia on the bathroom counter.
The former soldier looked up at his boyfriend who was the most understanding person he had met. If anyone else were in Castiel’s shoes right now, they’d be angry and disgusted at Dean. That’s why Dean was certain he had met the person he wanted to spend his life with.
“Note to self: ask Cas to marry me when I get better” Dean thought as he gave Castiel a small smile of appreciation.
Castiel smiled back, kneeled and in front of him, and pulled Dean for a tight hug – something he should’ve done often. He doesn’t expect Dean to recover from this immediately – both the drug addiction and the anxiety. Dean can’t forget something like war and death in an instant, no matter how much he drank, snorted, or shot into his veins. The memory will stalk him forever but he can at least try to ease the anxiety and Castiel will be there every step of the way.
“We’ll get through this together.” Castiel whispered.
“I won’t leave even if you asked me to. We’ll be together, storm after storm.”