Chapter Text
A tired baby yawned against a broad chest, stretching out his chubby arm. It was grasped and kissed with a tenderness tainted with sorrow. Unaware of his fate, the baby cuddled closer to the warmth and safety his father provided. Gentle rocking and murmured shushes lulled the baby to sleep. Tomorrow would be the beginning of a new life for him.
Throughout his life, he made choices. Good choices, bad choices, choices that meant nothing, choices that did something. Never in his life did he ever believe he would ever have to make a decision as heavy as the one he was about to make.
“You’re not fit to take care of him,” his sister-in-law Miwa said. “You’re just a man and he’s a baby with needs. Do you really think you can raise a child by yourself?”
The man frowned. “I’m growing tired of your incessant nagging. Leave already! I have to take my son to daycare before work tomorrow.”
“You say you have it under control but for how long? Can your body take on the added stress of a child without his mother? You’re a man to boot. You know nothing about taking care of a child! I have kids! He is my sister’s son; give the boy to me!”
“Goro is my son!” The man flinched. His son’s sleep was disturbed by his shout. A whimper escaped from the blankets but was immediately remedied by more cradling and a kiss to his baby’s forehead. He laid his son on his bed in a separate room, shutting the door with care.
“You are a selfish man, Shido!”
“Get out.”
“I will not leave without my sister’s son.”
“I said out!” Shido glared at the woman. “If you don’t leave I’ll call the cops and press charges!”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“I will sue you for attempted kidnapping if you don’t get out of my house!”
“You’ll regret this, Shido.” Her hands balled up into fists. “Your boy won’t thrive in a house with you. He’ll fail in life and it’ll be all your fault. You will have to carry that burden for the rest of your life.”
“And it’s a burden I am willing to accept. He is my son, and I am his father. Now get out.”
His sister-in-law snatched her purse from the chair. “Toshiko didn’t deserve a rotten man like you.”
“Toshiko didn’t deserve leukemia either.” He reached for the door and opened it. Ever since his wife passed, her sister continued to ask him to relinquish Goro over and over again, and every time he refused. This country was in such a horrid state. The rights of a father being expected to be given up all because of the perceived notion men were not fit to raise their own flesh and blood, as it was the sole responsibility of a woman to perform. To be pressured to give your child up to an orphanage or hand them over to a relative arbitrarily deemed fit to raise your child all because they were a part of a ‘complete’ family. It did not matter if the parent were man or woman, divorced or widowed; it was an expectation in their society for a child to be raised by two people: a husband and a wife. What a farce!
Shido looked at Miwa expectantly with a stalwart aura as he held the door open. He would not give up. Even on those restless nights when he awoke from his much-needed sleep because of Goro’s cries, or those days when the daycare called him from work informing him to pick his son up because he had a fever. He couldn’t give up. He needed to keep fighting to see his son smile, hear his laughter, feel his tiny hands grasp his own.
“I expect this meddling to be your last.”
“You’ll regret this.”
Once the door was shut, Shido slid onto the genkan, sighing deeply. It wasn’t the first time he had threatened her with a lawsuit. Back when Toshiko fell ill, she had entrusted their son to Miwa while she stayed at the hospital and Shido worked. At first Shido was okay with the arrangement, not fine but okay, considering his focus was to work in order to provide for his family’s need. The sooner he got promoted the better it would be he told himself. However as Toshiko’s illness became worse, so did his feelings about his son staying with his sister-in-law.
After leaving work, he would pay a quick visit to the hospital to check up on Toshiko before arriving to a quiet, empty home. He cleaned and ironed his own clothes, washed dishes, and prepared his meals for the week. Dinner was always from an izakaya or a convenience store bento, eaten in a hospital lobby before washing his hands thoroughly, donning a mask, gloves, and disposable gown to enter Toshiko’s room. It was easy without Goro in the picture. Yet as more time passed, it also became easier lose himself to his thoughts. Only four months of age, and yet it was only now when he had the opportunity to stop and truly think how much life his son brought to his home.
I want to see him.
The doctor delivered him bad news. The leukemia became difficult to stabilize. Every day Toshiko required a transfusion while heavy doses of chemotherapy were given to her as suggested by her physician. Even worse, the most recent blood tests revealed Toshiko had an infection, which forced the chemotherapy to be placed on hold while her frail immune system tried to recover and fight off the infection along with the many antibiotics given. If her infection did not clear soon, the cancer would surely kill her.
Shido stepped into the sterile room, watching as the nurse scrubbed her hands thoroughly before donning clean gloves and administering an antibiotic into Toshiko’s IV line. His wife smiled weakly at the nurse and thanked her before looking at her husband with the same weary expression he held.
“So he told you,” she said once the nurse left the room, pulling the little hair she had left into a sloppy ponytail. “I’m not going be here for long.”
“Don’t say that.”
Her hands trembled on her lap. “About our son… I was thinking maybe it would be best if Miwa took him in. For good.”
“What!?” He heard himself raising his voice. “How can you say that?”
“I want you to be happy, and I want Goro to be happy. You have dreams and a life ahead of you. Raising Goro alone would hold you back.”
“You can’t tell me what I can or cannot do.” Careful not to put too much pressure on her bruised hands, Shido held them lightly against his own. “I’ve been thinking about this. All this. You. Me. Our son. I don’t want him to be separated from me. He’s only four months old. I want to be his father.”
“But you’ll be by yourself.”
“I’ll find a way. I know my parents live far away in Ayanagi City, and my brother's in Amami City, but you have to trust me. I'll find a way. I can’t let Goro not know who I am. I am his father. What good is that if you can’t even be a part of his life?”
Toshiko smiled. “I want to apologize.”
“For what?”
“For all of this. My sickn-”
“That is not your fault-”
“Let me apologize anyway! I feel that you took on a big burden by marrying me. What we had was a moment of passion, and while I do love you, I… I never felt right calling you by your first name.”
Shido swallowed hard.
“Dear.” Her brown eyes fixed onto Shido’s. “Do you love me?”
“I…” What Toshiko said was true: it was reckless passion, a lust for their bodies and presumed assets. He was an older man in his mid-30s who had a fleeting relationship with a woman in her mid-20s. He accidentally got her pregnant, and with much deliberation took responsibility for his actions and married her. The few months they lived together were peaceful. Toshiko took it upon herself to quit her department store job and became a housewife, while Shido continued with his government job. They got along and didn’t step on one another’s toes. It was nice. He didn’t love her.
When Goro was born, Shido immediately placed him under his family registry and bragged to his family about his beautiful baby boy. The light in Shido’s eyes shone bright. After all these years of avoiding children, Shido understood the excitement of welcoming his own child into the world. He loved him.
“I grew fond of you.”
“I see.” Toshiko laid back into the headboard. “I’m glad. I think I'm fond of you too.”
He smiled through his face mask. “I love Goro.”
“Me too. I love our son. I miss him so much.”
Shido grabbed the hospital telephone and handed the receiver to his wife. “Call your sister. We’re going to get him back right now.”
“Right now?”
“Right now. Do it.”
“Al-alright.”
“If she refuses, tell her I’ll sue her for mental anguish.”
“Shh! It’s ringing! Hello sis!”
As Toshiko spoke to her sister, Shido paced around the room. The seconds felt like minutes. She had been talking about her and her sister’s health for the entire time. Then she asked about her husband and children. When was she going to get to the point of the phone call?!
“Let me have it,” he mouthed, while reaching for the phone. “I’ll talk to her.”
“Oh, is that so?” Toshiko continued, avoiding his fussing hand. “Ah, erm, how is Goro doing? ... That’s wonderful. So Miwa I wanted to ask…”
“You’re not asking: you’re demanding.”
“Sis I’d like to see my baby.”
He groaned at her sugarcoating, snatching the phone. “You’re going to bring him in right now!”
“What the- Shido put my sister back!” Miwa shouted through the line.
“Not until you bring Goro back! Take all his clothes, diapers and all that while you’re at it. I am giving you two hours to bring him to the hospital. If I don’t have him right here in that time I will call the cops!”
“How dare you-”
“Bring him back or I’ll sue you for everything you’re worth.”
“I am not going to let you threaten me. Put Toshiko back on the line.”
“You’ll be hearing from my lawyer. Don’t expect this to go your way.”
Despite her bravado, Miwa relented anyway, bringing a sleeping Goro to the hospital with all his belongings in a large diaper bag and stroller. She glared at the man who her sister called husband.
She held Goro close. “I hope you’re proud of yourself.”
“The proudest,” he replied with a smirk. Shido held out his arms, opening and closing his hands.
“Bastard.”
After almost an entire month of separation, Goro was finally back in his arms. Toshiko may not have been pleased by his methods, but it worked. He never liked that woman, and she didn't like him back. Shido gave no care to her opinion. From the moment Toshiko revealed Goro would be taken care of by Miwa, Shido knew it would become permanent should she become sicker or die. There was no direct proof of her intent, but it was a gut feeling he had. It didn’t help either when she had announced to Toshiko the week prior of her plans to give Goro a proper crib.
A crib took space. A lot of valuable space. If she was not planning to keep her nephew, then she would not consider such a thing. At least to Shido’s logic. Then there was the talk of how her children adored Goro and asked if he was staying forever. Toshiko laughed and humored her sister. Shido didn’t find any of that amusing. Making plans with his son like that as if it were nothing. As if she was going to adopt him the moment Toshiko passed away. He had to put an end to it and today was the right time to do it. Who knows when the two sisters would make some sort of will and put Miwa in charge of Goro. He would not stand for it.
With an almost non-existent immune system, Goro would not be allowed in his mother’s room, however Toshiko was allowed to leave her room albeit with protective clothing. She washed her hands before wearing a gown, mask, and gloves. With the help of a nurse, she walked out from her room and held her baby for the first time in a long while. He was warm and soft, and heavier than she remembered.
“My precious baby boy…” she whispered, nuzzling her face into his. Tears of joy, guilt, and regret rolled down her cheeks. Goro cooed in response to his mother’s familiar heat. “I’m so happy.”
Toshiko would live one more month before her untimely death. And in that one month, Shido woke himself early every work day to take Goro to a daycare catered to working parents. Early drop off, late pick-up. It wasn’t easy to find such a place, and it wasn’t cheap either. Overtime became nearly impossible as it would come too close to the daycare’s closing time but took whatever he could. Then there were the short visits he paid to Toshiko. It wasn’t for himself but rather for his son and Toshiko. The more time she could spend with him the better. After the visit, he ate a simple meal he cooked while feeding Goro, bathed, then slept with his son at his side. Repeat routine.
As busy as he may have been with caring for his son and juggling with work and visiting a dying spouse, Shido was realistic. Fondness was not love. Fondness did not pay the hospital bills or help save money. Fondness didn’t buy diapers or baby food. Toshiko was going to die, and he would have to move on with his life on his on with Goro. He never told Toshiko how he moved out of their old home. It was his home to begin with, she only moved in when they married. With that little profit he found a small, cheap 1DK apartment strategically located near both his job and the daycare. Goro was still a baby and didn’t need his own room. He’d grow out of a crib in no time, therefore sleeping in the same bed- with pillows acting as a wall- as Shido would be the best choice.
There was no promotion either. Shido wouldn’t even give it to himself considering how much he faltered for the past few months since taking back his son. His work may have been impeccable but his expected presence for overtime and nomikai, the afterwork drinking parties, were abysmal. He didn’t deserve it.
There was no time to cry or feel sorry for himself. He had to pull through for Goro. There was no way he’d give his own child up just because it was hard.
Difficulty is not impossibility.
Looking across the room from the floor, Shido covered his face with his hands, letting out a relieved breath. Miwa shouldn’t disturb them anymore, and Toshiko was dead. He chuckled bitterly at his cynical logic.
His clothes were tossed around the dining area without a care. He grabbed a comfortable pair of sleeping pants and slipped them on. Eyeing his stomach, he could see his body becoming flabby; gym membership cancelled. At least it saved enough for gas money.
He laid next to his sleeping son, completely oblivious to the harshness of the world and its dark reality. Goro was pure and full of insurmountable potential.
Shido kissed Goro’s forehead. “I’ll do whatever it takes. Even if it means having to be relocated someplace else.”
The plan for tomorrow’s activities ran through his head. Tomorrow he would wake up at his usual time, get his son fed, dressed, then taken to daycare. Then he would drive to Sumaru City for a new project he was assigned to. To the average person it looked like a promotion, but in Shido’s line of work he knew it meant a way to get rid of him without firing him. Regardless of the shitty assignment, he’d work like he usually would. Maybe he could get on their good graces, perhaps even get a recommendation from the other entities working on the project.
The prestigious Nanjo Group would be there and Japan’s foreign minister Tatsuzou Sudou and his committee were also a part of the project.
“Maybe it won’t be so bad,” he said as he stroked Goro’s back.
The alarm clocked glowed 3:30am.
It was going to be a long night.
The morning routine had no differences from the others. Shido arrived on time to the office in Sumaru City without a hitch. The traffic was terrible, but it was to be expected as Sumaru’s connection to Tokyo deepened.
He yawned.
I could use a cup of coffee or seven right about now.
Another government official named Sojiro Sakura greeted him and filled in him with the specifics as Shido nursed the poorly brewed coffee he got from the breakroom.
Sojiro asked, “Apparently you studied psychology in college?”
“It wasn’t my major.”
“But you did study it extensively right?”
“Yes. What does this have anything to do with why I’m here?”
Sojiro smirked. “Plenty. Now I gotta warn you: the things you will see here are a bit… out of this world. I don’t need to remind you about confidentiality, do I?”
“Of course not,” he huffed. He wasn’t some young novice on his first assignment. In his years, Shido handled several covert government deals without any breach.
“Good, because it’s not just the government you’d be dealing with either. We’ve got the Nanjo Group and the foreign minister too. You wouldn’t want to get on Sudou’s bad side.”
“I don’t plan on it.”
“Oh, I almost forgot.” The older man led Shido into a small computer lab with scientists going about their own business. “Let me introduce you to someone. You’ll be working with her every so often depending on the needs dictated by the Nanjo Group. She’s one of the head scientists for the cognitive research division for Nanjo.”
At the corner of the room, a woman with black hair wearing an oversized lab coat sat hunched over her computer. She typed furiously, only pausing to look at a book littered with a plethora of colorful bookmarks, then returned with the same pace as before. Engrossed in her world, she did not notice Sojiro and the new man standing at her side, continuing as if there was nothing else to acknowledge. Even with Sojiro’s loud and obvious throat clearing, the scientist did not stop.
“Hoo boy,” sighed Sojiro. “Once she’s in a mode, there’s no stopping her.”
Shido was too exhausted to care, slurping loudly his coffee to keep himself alive.
“Hmm?” The woman stood straight and turned to see Sojiro. “Oh, hello Sojiro. What brings you here today?” She eyed the new guy curiously.
“I wanted to introduce you to a colleague. He has some experience with studying psychology but he’s with the government like me. Maybe he can understand the jumbled mess you talk about.” He chuckled. “This is Masayoshi Shido.”
Shido looked at Wakaba with a blank expression, pressing the cup’s rim to his mouth but took no sip. Normally the first thing he would notice on any woman was her face then her tits, but he was too exhausted to even try. Every adult looked the same when he was this damn tired.
“Hrmmllo,” he mumbled. Shido bowed from habit.
The woman quirked her head to the side, then nodded as she stood up from her chair. “My name is Wakaba Isshiki. Pleased to meet you.”