Work Text:
X-Men PSA Recordings. Session 1
Session 3:1
"Good evenin'
Now, y'all might know me best as Rogue, mutant hero of the X-Men and the Avengers Unity Squad, but tonight, Ah'm wantin' to talk about a subject that is both near to my heart, and the bane of mah life.. Identity Theft.
Now, Ah've had a problem with identity theft since Ah was about thirteen... one touch of my skin against someone else's and suddenly Ah AM them, and for a while, they're... not them. And that's not a good th..."
**Mumbling off camera**
"Say what?"
**Mumbling off camera**
"It's not? Are y'all sure oh that?
**Mumbling off camera**
"But Ah have three more pages about this! It's a very serious problem. Really? Okay, well, that's been a whole heapin' waste of mah time."
--End of Session--
Session 3:2
"PUNCH A NAZI!!!"
**Mumbling off camera**
"No, that was it."
**Mumbling off camera**
"What more do you need? 'Punch a Nazi' is pretty self explanatory, isn't it? Are you sure you want more? Oh all right, let's try again then, shall we?"
"PUNCH A NAZI... HARD!"
"What? That was 33% longer than the previous version. Would you like me to add how GOOD it makes you feel? Because it really, REALLY does."
**Mumbling off camera**
"And for the last time, it's not Magenta... it's MAGNETO!"
--End of Session--
Session 3:3
"Good evening. I'm Scott Summers, and I'm here today to talk to you about a very real issue in the world today; The dangers of monochromatic vision... because apparently not being able to tell what colour the traffic signals are at is not considered by the courts to be a good enough reason to use force blasts to upend a semi that's barreling towards you. Who knew?"
**Mumbling off camera**
"It's part of my community service sentence. I have seventeen more topics to cover, all itemised in that folder on your desk... The second one is about recognising the symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder."
**Mumbling off camera**
"No, that wasn't a joke... I don't joke... ever... that's number seven on the list as it happens."
**Mumbling off camera**
"No, the folder isn't colour coded, of course it's not.. Wait... was that some sort of crack about me having monochromatic vision? Oh it is ON now!"
--End of Session--
Session 3:4
"Hi everyone, My name is Doug.... and this is my selfsoulfriend and life-partner Warlock"
"Salutations meatbags! (Selffriendsunspotbobby taught self to say that)"
"And tonight we want to talk to you about the perils of Sexually Transmoded Infections.
"Now to look at me, you'd think I was an ordinary guy, and I am, and have been ever since I was resurrected from the dead by a sentient alien virus and some sort of black magic."
**Mumbling off camera**
"No, that was a thing."
"Now, Warlock and I are in a healthy relationship involving shared interests, meaningful conversations, long walks, and sometimes merging our basic natures to create a single fused entity. And it was not long afer that that I was diagnosed with a Transmode infection.."
**Mumbling off camera**
"Self agrees it is like cartoon, but selfsoulfriends do not have to do the dance first"
"Ahem... meanwhile back at the script 'Lock"
"Apologies selfsoulfriendcypherdoug... self likes that cartoon though"
"Now we were very lucky, I have a mutant ability which lets me translate any language"
**Mumbling off camera**
"Sigh... YES that's a real mutant power. Look, if you keep interrupting, the message will be lost"
"And that allowed us to decode the virus and deal with my infection propely and safely, but I am transmode positive and will be for the rest of this life. YOU might not be so lucky. So you should always take precautions if you are engaged in a relationship with a technorganic alien who is also transmode positive"
**Mumbling off camera**
"Well yes, it might be a niche problem right now, but these things can spread. Have you HEARD of the Phalanx?"
--End of Session--
--End of Recording Day--
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These transcripts were found screwed up in a ball having been thrown with some force towards (and missing) a recycling bin in Salem Center.
Scrawled on the front cover were the words; "That is it! I do NOT need this stress, I'm going back to directing daytime soap operas, at least they're BELIEVABLE"