Work Text:
October 13th 2018, Busan Mental Hospital, Geumjeong District, South Korea.
Usually when I wake up, I'm disappointed. Disappointed that I am still alive. Still alive and still here. Four plain white walls, one extremely uncomfortable bed just under the barred window, one simple desk and one chair. Every night when I have to go to sleep, I pray for not waking up the next day. And then, every morning, I cry because I am still here. I don't even know how long it's been without seeing anyone from my family or friends. Everyone I know gave up on me, but I can't be mad. No wonders they hate me, even I hate myself. Well, who would want to deal with mentally ill person?
When I got through my usual mornings regrets, it was already time to change and go down to cafeteria to have some breakfast. Every day the same routine. After changing into my ordinary gown I push the button to indicate anyone who had patrol on the hallway, that I want to go out, wait about 30 seconds to hear that sweet sound of the steps on the cold concrete floor and finally hear the door unlocking and opening a bit to let me know I'm allowed to go.
I'm used to see our cafeteria rather empty than crowded, so I was a bit surprised when I glimpsed a group of men standing in the corner. However I didn't want to be noticed, so I decided to change the direction at the very last moment and sit down behind the table across the room, as far away from those strangers as possible. I lowered my head to let my black hair cover my face. ,,Breathe Jimin, breathe and calm down“ run through my mind in order to soften the anxiety I felt rising in me. I tried to hum some random melody in my mind because I didn't want to hear what they are talking about as they look like waiting for someone to show up, so excited and everything. I was so jealous.
When I encouraged myself enough to be able to stand up and go grab some food, I tried to walk past them as unobtrusively as I could. Staring at my foot as I walked and still humming that annoying Twice song I almost didnt hear a really quiet voice behind me.
,,Jimin-ah? Is that you?“
My head turned faster than I could recognize that voice. I saw 6 young adults staring at me with half shocked / half smiling faces. As a few seconds passed, my eyes filled with tears. I had realized I know them all. Jin, Namjoon, Taehyung, Yoongi, Hoseok and even the youngest Jungkook, names immediately appearing in my mind. Names I mumble everytime during my bad times to keep myself conscious . They were all there. My best friends were all there. I couldn't believe my eyes.
,,W-What are you doing here? W-Why are you here?“ I stuttered as my vision started to blur.
,,Jimin-ah, come on! You won't welcome us as you used to?“ I heard a hint of amusement in the Yoongi's voice. I just stood there, absolutely in shock, tears falling down my face leaving wet paths on my cheeks. They approached me and hug me one by one so tightly my heart almost exploded from the amount of happiness I felt at this moment. After way too many months here I smiled. One of them ( I still had not stopped crying so I couldn't really see who) grabbed my hand and led me to the table. I could smell something sweet so I wiped the tears away and spotted a true birthday cake ahead of me. It was the most beautiful cake I have ever seen. It wasn't very big, rather small with a bunch of candles and ,,to our best friend Chimchim“ (apparently handmade) writing on the top. When I saw my childhood nickname they gave me a years ago, I couldn't hold back a silent sob. Pair of hands instantly petted my head and back. All of them had teary eyes as they watch me staring at the cake.
If I had the power to stop the time just once, I would use it for this moment. Everything was so perfect. I finally could forget about my miserable situation and just enjoy the presence of the people I wanted to see so much.
We talked for a while, they patiently answered all my questions about the world outside this awful place and I couldn't resist to try to carve the image of them standing here into my mind. Especially one pair of the most beautiful eyes, gummy smile and smooth face line of the one I love. He was staring back at me and I could drown in his eyes. We promised each other that I will get better just to be able to really be with him. I was trying so hard to accomplish that and now in his eyes, I saw he still means it. His eyes were so pure and he allowed me to saw the raw emotions so strong I was close to tears again.
Since they noticed I was getting emotional again, they tried to lift up the mood and started to fool around. As the cafeteria got empty in the meantime, I didn't know how, we were suddenly running around the whole room and laughing like madmen. Irony is strong as this is the real madhouse.
Tae tried to open the door to hallway and I wanted to stop him knowing somebody from the hospital staff would cut us off but there was noone. All of us ran happily to the front-gate and I was really excited to walk away with my friends side by side. I thought I can already feel the fresh air from outside and when Jin pushed the door I was blinded by sharp light for a second.
,,Finally“ I whispered. I was so happy my dreams came true and I can get out of this place I hate so much.
Then I blinked. Once. Twice. I did not understand. I saw the cafeteria again. Empty. There was nobody except me, sitting behind a table. Confused. Where are they? What happened? Millions of questions appearing on my mind, but I was unable to answer none of them. My hands started shaking, my whole body started to shiver. Cold sweat running down my spine and I started to feel dizzy. I wanted to stand up but my knees buckled and my confused mind gave up, so I fell on the ground. As my face touched the cold floor I was already crying.
When I came to my senses I was in my bed in my plain white room. I tried to remeber what happened, so I let my eyes shut and just listen to voices near me.
,,Poor boy, he was getting better, we thought he could go home soon“
,,I feel really sorry for him. It must be scary when your own mind plays tricks on you like this“
,,You have no idea, we just watched the records from security cameras. He sat there for a whole hour, smiling and mumbling something about how he is happy to finally see them after a long time, later he even ran around like he was playing some child game with someone“
I couldn't listen anymore. I heard enough. They weren't there. They didn't come to see me. They left me alone, just like I thought. Nobody wants to see me. Not even my friends. They already forgot. They don't want to share anything with me. I am alone. Forever. Just me and these four white walls.
My hands were shaking again so I fold them and trying to ignore my weak exhausted body trembling under the cushion I started to pray.
,,Please, don't let me wake up, I want to die. I don't want this life. I hate me. I'm worthless and don't deserve to live.“ and with the hope I let the darkness run over me.