Chapter Text
You can hear it in the silence,
You can feel it on the way home,
You can see it with the lights out,
You are in love,
True love.
Feelings, in Haruka’s not so humble opinion, are annoying. Completely and totally irritating, excessive things, 0/10 would not recommend to a friend. His grievances with the product are many but his primary reason for disliking them is the simple fact that they require effort. And if that wasn’t enough of a complaint, the stronger the feelings become the more the effort required gets compounded and just...really. Who invented these things? Haruka sighs as he leans his head back against the cool surface of his bathtub. It’s not that he wants life to be a gray blur of apathy and faceless interactions, because he doesn’t. He likes the warmth in his chest when he stays with the Tachibana’s and has the twins hanging all over him. He likes the sense of comfort Makoto brings when he stops by after school to ensure Haruka has food to eat. He even likes the fulfilling sensation in his gut when Nagisa and Rei request to do things together because they are a team. It’s nice, it’s simple, it’s effortless.
And then there’s Rin.
Rin, who washes into Haruka’s life with all the subtlety of a tidal wave. Rin, with his dreams and romantic ideals who refuses to leave Haruka be. Rin with his insecurities, his passions, his failures, his successes; all there and all open on display for all to see. Haruka knows he’s still new to this whole strong emotions thing, but he still wonders sometimes how one person can feel so much and still function. Maybe one day he will ask Rin his secret; or drown him in Samezuka’s pool because this is all his fault in the first place (some days he leans towards one option over the other, usually he is undecided). Because if it wasn’t for Rin, Haruka wouldn’t know what heartbreak felt like. He wouldn’t know true elation. He wouldn’t know the joys of being part of a team. He wouldn’t know...that feeling he gets that makes his head light, his pupils dilate, his toes curl; he wouldn’t know that fire that burns him from the inside out. He wouldn’t know what it felt like to be...to be...something. Some emotion, some feeling that he has yet to put a name to but is reserved solely for Rin and Rin alone.
At twelve, Haruka had simply ignored the feeling, sure that eventually it would go away. Unfortunately (or fortunately, he’s still not sure which), the feeling had proved to be much like Rin himself--relentless, unmoving, and unshakable. Now at seventeen, with Rin back in his life (with Rin smiling, teasing him, crying on him, touching him), the feeling is stronger and more stubborn than ever. In fact, it has gotten to the point that Haruka realizes he might actually have to do something about it. The question is, what? And how is he supposed to do anything about an emotion he doesn’t even know the name of? Haruka sighs again loudly and with a good deal more resignation. Figuring out the answer to any of these questions is going to be annoying, isn’t it? With this sudden realization (and the sound of Makoto calling out to him from his front door), Haruka takes a deep breath and submerges himself as completely as he can in the water’s familiar embrace.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
If Haruka is hoping that his daily dose of higher education will give him ideas on how to solve his problem, he finds himself sorely mistaken. He knows he’s not the best student in his class, but no matter how hard to tries his teachers can’t even keep his attention today. Although to be fair to them, Rin has always had this sort of effect on him; this all consuming fire that burns until there is only one path left for Haruka to take. As a grade schooler, he had been annoyed (an emotion he still has an intimate relationship with) by the single minded show of control but what about now? What did Rin’s stubbornness and determination make him feel now? Well, that at least was easy. Haruka had been able to recognize that feeling as a burning mixture of pride in his chest and competition in his veins even back in middle school. It was the feeling of admiration. And even now, even after Haruka had seen Rin at his worst—with tears in his eyes and a threat to quit on his tongue—he knows that that feeling will never change.
So, admiration, right; he knows what that is. Perhaps if he sorts out the emotions he can name, maybe it will help him narrow down what to call the one he can’t? It’s as good a place as any to start, he supposes. He debates taking out a piece of paper to make a list but that seems like overkill (he’s not Rei after all) so he just readjusts the position of his chin in his palm and gets to work. Haruka admires Rin, this he knows. He also knows the feeling of the way his tongue clicks in his mouth that denotes annoyance, but he gets annoyed with everyone at some point so that’s not specific to Rin. What about when Haruka feels the tightness in his ribs and the clenching in his throat? That’s loss, but again that’s not specific to Rin either, as he felt the same thing when Obaa-san died. There’s also the softness that runs underneath his skin and sets off sparkles behind his eyes, that’s joy. Joy when Rin smiles, when Rin throws an arm around his shoulders, when Rin swims in the lane next to him. Joy, Haruka realizes, is the closest answer he has to pinning down the nameless emotion but there’s still more to it.
It’s not just joy; this emotion is more complicated, more dangerous. It’s the feeling of warmth and comfort in his stomach that speaks of gratitude to Rin for showing him new sights but on the flip side it’s also the red in the corners of his vision when Rin threatens to take to those sights away. It’s the fire that burns low and hot whenever the sun hits Rin’s hair just right or the moonlight glances off the pale skin at his throat that gives Haruka the desire to touch, to taste, to claim. And then there’s the wetness behind his eyes when Haruka sees Rin in pain, when Rin is lost and he feels that in that moment he would move heaven and earth to help him. This feeling is big and it’s frightening and suddenly Haruka feels like he might be on the verge of something. This feeling, this unknown feeling is big, so big it needs a big word to describe it. Something (shockingly, unbelievably, but undeniably) like—
“--se-kun? Nanase-kun.”
It’s the unimpressed tone more than anything that gives away that Haragawa-sensei has said his name no less than three times already. As he has absolutely no idea what the question is (and because he is frustrated that he was this close to an answer) Haruka replies with a neutral, “Yes, sensei?”
“Would you please translate the next to last sentence on the board into English, Nanase-kun?” Ah, yes, English class. Yet another reason Haruka has spent the last hour with Rin on the brain.
“ To get to the...church...do I go north or south?” Haruka can almost hear Rin complaining about how lesson books decide which words are “important” for new speakers to learn; and he is one hundred percent not wrong. Why would he ever need to know words like “north” or “church” or “hamburger” but not words like “water” or “mackerel” or swim” (he’d had to look those up on his own)? Weren’t beginner’s vocabulary supposed to be focused on practicality?
“Correct, Nanase-kun, but please watch your emphasis on the first syllable.” Haragawa-sensei drolls on before moving to the next student, completely unaware (or uncaring) that Haruka has already returned his attention to a much more pressing issue.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Makoto is a worry-wart, a nagger, and a total mom-friend. He is also the best friend Haruka could ever wish for and, more often than not, knows how to handle actual life situations (something Haruka himself has only a passing relationship with). Since Haragawa-sensei’s interruption during English II Haruka hasn’t been able to put that train of thought back on the proper track to find his answer (whether out of fear or disbelief he isn’t sure); so now, even without asking, Haruka knows that in this situation Makoto would recommend a distraction. Something to let your mind wonder and wait for the answer to come to you. Cooking has always been a practical distraction; plus, it’s supper time and he’s hungry.
Haruka has always loved his kitchen. It’s simple, compact, always stocked with mackerel, and comfortable in a way that reminds him of his Obaa-san. It’s calm familiarity allows him to go about the action of dinner preparation on automatic; which is good as he’s used his mental quota for the day. Remove apron from its usual hook and place around neck. Light the stove under his favorite skillet. Open the refrigerator to grab a mackerel fillet. Ignore the calls of his name from the front door.
Wait a minute, one of those was not like the other. Placing the fish back on its shelf and shutting the refrigerator Haruka turns to listen more closely to discover that yes, yes that are voices--more than one in fact--coming from the direction of his front door. He knows these voices well enough to know that ignoring them will in no way deter them from coming through his (always unlocked) door, leaving Haruka to shuts off his stove and silently grieve for his about-to-be-mackerel-less evening.
“Haru! Are you in the bath?” Makoto calls out from the newly opened front door; his customary pardon the intrusion is overshadowed by what sounds like grocery bags and the excited tones of two other voices.
“Haru-chan! We’re here! I hope you made lots of popcorn ‘cause we got a lot of movies to go through!”
“Nagisa-kun, you do realize that it will be physically impossible to get through all the Marvel movies in one sitting? Besides, watching movies until you are so tired you can no longer see straight is not beautiful. It is better in short doses so that one may absorb all the--”
“What are you doing here?” As he thought, his entire team is here with what appears to be backpacks, sleeping bags, and plastic bags full of food.
There’s a sudden silence in when all three pairs of eyes come to rest on him, looking just as confused as he feels. It lasts until Haruka catches the understanding tilt of Makoto’s head. “You forgot, didn’t you, Haru?”
“Forgot what?” The swirling pit of confusion in his stomach is only getting stronger.
“About our Marvel movie marathon!” Nagisa chimes in, reaching back to hold up his backpack. “Mako-chan has only seen the dubbed Iron Man movies and I just got my hands on Captain America and The Avengers so you can get the full experience.”
“We did talk about it during lunch.” Matoko offers; which considering where his head has been today explains why he has absolutely no memory of this.
“Please do not trouble yourself, Haruka-senpai,” Rei jumps in, adjusting his glasses habitually. “Makoto-senpai and I have stocked up on enough food to feed the athletic constitution, Nagisa-kun comes with drinks and snacks--which I helped him choose to ensure they weren’t all overly sweet (Rei-chaan!) . And Rin-san is bringing his laptop and Bluetooth speakers to watch the movies.” Another 1/16 millimeter glasses adjustment. “There is nothing more beautiful than a team coming together after dividing and completing tasks.”
“Rin’s coming?” Rei really should have just saved time and started with that.
“Of course I’m coming!” A fifth voice gripes from the top of the stairs outside Haruka’s door. “I forgot Kawamura borrowed my speakers for a presentation and I had to drag his horny ass away from staring at the girl’s volleyball captain on the treadmill to get them back.”
And it’s back, that unnamed feeling, under his skin, in his lungs, in his head--burning, burning, burning; threatening to take him and turn him to ashes, leaving nothing else behind. It’s there in the irritation still clinging to Rin’s mouth; to the shyness in the fashionable clothes he will never admit took him no less than ten minutes to put together; to the way those red eyes focus on Haruka’s face and refuse to look anywhere else. “Well, are you going to make us stand here all night or are you gonna let us in?”
So maybe Haruka doesn't have his answer yet (or maybe he does and he isn't ready to admit) but for the time being, this is enough. Rin is back in his life filling it with it joy, frustration, admiration, annoyance, gratitude, and so much more. “There better be mackerel in those bags.”
“For pity’s sake, Haru.” Rin groans as he struggles his way in and hops back and forth to slip off his shoes. “You’re an athlete, you’ve got to eat actual food every once and awhile. How you going to build muscle living off damn bait fish?”
And Rin’s off, talking about diet and nutrition (with the occasional chime-in from Rei) and Haruka again realizes how much work there still is left to do relating to the fire in his veins. Does he want to cool or fan the flames? What will become of him if he fans them and he turns to ashes? Will the risk be worth the price? For anything else, for anyone else, Haruka would never have bothered to address any of this, he would have brushed it off as too much work. But he can’t deny that by the way Rin's sharp-toothed grin softens the corners of his own mouth, the way Rin's laugh makes his fingers instinctly want to reach for him, the way Rin's mere presence in his life makes him feel so much; Haruka knows that he feels (always had and always will) Rin to be worth the effort.