Chapter Text
j. hoseok has created "wtf is a yoonmin™"
j. hoseok has added k. taetae
j. hoseok has added j. jeongguk
j. hoseok has added k. seokjin
k. jin: why
j. hoseok has added k. namjoon
j. hoseok has changed their name to 'hoebi'
k. taetae: lol
j. jeongguk: very original
j. hoseok has changed 'k. taetae' to 'precious angel'
j. hoseok has changed 'j. jeongguk' to 'cries after sex'
cries after sex: you fucker
j. hoseok has changed 'k. seokjin' to 'PrinceJin'
j. hoseok has changed 'k. namjoon' to 'socks and sandals'
PrinceJin: fitting
socks and sandals: ??? when have i ever????
hoebi: listen up sluts
hoebi: there's something we need to address
PrinceJin: who are you calling a slut? i am in a very vanilla, monogamous relationship of thirty five years
socks and sandals: and isn't that kind of slut-shaming?
hoebi: 1. sure jan. i've seen your texts. namjoon's password isn't that hard to figure out
hoebi: 2. when have i, hung hoseok, ever used the term slut as a way to shame someone?
cries after sex: ignoring how that was definitely not a typo, what's up?
hoebi: ummmmmmm someone is definitely missing a hyung there
hoebi: but i'll let it slide for now cuz i got some News™
hoebi: so there i was, trying to get my pretty little gay hands on some coffee
hoebi: when i look across the coffee shop and who do i see chatting it up?
hoebi: none other than yoongio and jimbles
cries after sex: ......and?
hoebi: and what you soggy piece of toast?
hoebi: also it should be "and, hyung?"
cries after sex: so you created a chat bc two ppl who have been friends for YEARS are talking to each other?
precious angel: sorry hobi hyung, it is pretty anti-climactic :(
hoebi: it's okay taetae, you precious angel sent from the heavens
precious angel: :)
hoebi: and there is more, you overgrown bunny man
hoebi: they were sitting on the couch, both being very small and very cute
socks and sandals: lol yoongi hyung being "cute"
hoebi: have you seen yoongi in an oversized sweatshirt? no? then shut your face hole
cries after sex: savage
hoebi: anyways, them being cute. at first i was going to go over, you know, try to be a double wingman for my best bro and best hoe,
hoebi: but they looked so serious???
hoebi: and my ass wasn't looking to die today, so i stayed away
hoebi: and then
hoebi: in front of my own gay eyes
hoebi: they held hands
hoebi: intertwining their fingers and everything
precious angel: awwww :) chim must've been so happy
hoebi: you bet your perfect little ass he was happy
hoebi: even gave yoongi hyung his iconic "sunshine smile"
PrinceJin: lol is yoongi even still alive?
hoebi: dunno but i'm pretty sure they forgot they were in public and not in their own little world cuz someone accidentally hit the edge of the couch and they snapped out of it, moment gone, hands snatched away, my heart in pieces
PrinceJin: i'm so glad to be out of that awkward phase
PrinceJin: joonie ily
socks and sandals: aww hyung
PrinceJin: ..
PrinceJin: now will you lemme smash?
socks and sandals: HYUNG
cries after sex: gross
precious angel: what happened next hoseokie hyung?
hoebi: oh tae, you always know the way to my heart
hoebi: ok after that
hoebi: ...
hoebi: okay after that they actually gathered up their things and left but that's not the point
cries after sex: exciting
hoebi: well it's not like they're gonna fuck on the table in public
hoebi: actually
hoebi: knowing jiminnie...
cries after sex: pls don't
hoebi: we are literally in the same groupchat where he talks about getting rimmed by yoongi hyung i don't understand
precious angel: lol yeah but he blushes the entire time
cries after sex: TAE
hoebi: TAEHYUNG, COMING WITH THE EXPOSURE
hoebi: also you're missing the "hyung" again
cries after sex: .
cries after sex: taetae hyung
hoebi: wow
hoebi: anyways, this is where we'll come when yoonmin does A Thing™
PrinceJin: like when yoongi stares at jimin for so long he starts crying and then claims it was allergies?
hoebi: now you're getting the hang of it!
Mother Slut and Her Slut-lings
babyslut: *deep breath*
mother: oh boy
NotSlut: you okay chim?
babyslut: yoongi hyung is literally the most perfect person i've ever met like wtf who does he think he is with his cute little nose and gummy smile how dare he come for me like that by existing? by breathing the same air as me?? inexcusable. he's going to be the end of me. him and his bigass hands and longass fingers that make my hand look extra tiny but i can't even fuckin complain cuz he just mutters "cute" like wtf?? that asshole
AlmostSlut: so you had fun with yoongi hyung today?
babyslut: yeah it was great why do you ask?
AlmostSlut: no reason
mother: speaking of yoongi hyung
mother: a little birdie told me you were at a coffee shop together
babyslut: a little birdie named Jung Hoseok?
mother: don't recall
mother: anyways what did you talk about?
babyslut: not much, really
babyslut: homework, teachers, his mixtape, how we're spending chuseok together, a few upcoming shows, new netflix series
mother: HOLD UP
mother: WHAT WAS THAT
babyslut: oh, the we've been trying to watch a netflix show we're both interested in so we've narrowed it down to like three
mother: THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT AND YOU KNOW IT
babyslut: right ok
babyslut: yoongi hyung and i are going to daegu for chuseok together
NotSlut: chim!! we can ride down together!!!
babyslut: sure taetae!
NotSlut: :DD
mother: tae pls shut your beautiful, adorable mouth for one second
NotSlut: :))
AlmostSlut: wow jiminnie hyung, finally meeting the parents, i'm proud
babyslut: shut it you dicks
babyslut: it's not like that
mother: right...
mother: well there's only one way to find out
AlmostSlut: *whispers* don't...
we put the gay in "gay"
urhope: YOONGI OPPA
yoongio: why
nochu: *whispers more aggressively* don't..
urhope: so.............
urhope: chuseok...
yoongio: oh jimin told you?
notmom: what about chuseok?
taebae: yoongi hyung and jimin are going to daegu together!
notmom: oh
notmom: use protection
chimchim: hyung! :((
notmom: i'm just kidding
notmom: we all know you never leave the house without a condom
chimchim: i mean true
chimchim: but we aren't sleeping together
chimchim: plus we're staying at his parents house???
taebae: he says as if the whole campus doesn't know about his exhibition kink
urhope: another exposure by kim taehyung!
father: wow...
father: he's unstoppable
chimchim: i cannot believe..........my own soulmate...
urhope: back to the real question here
yoongio: ???
urhope: why are you spending chuseok together????
yoongio: that's what you're wondering??
yoongio: bc we're friends and he wants to go see daegu???
urhope: suspicious.
yoongio: you and i literally spent christmas together
urhope: suspicious
private chat with k. taetae and j. hoseok
hoseokie hyung: ....
hoseokie hyung: i might have made this a bigger deal than it is.....
taehyungie: lol you think?
hoseokie hyung: i need to get out out this
hoseokie hyung: pls help
taehyungie: of course
taehyungie: but it comes with a price
hoseokie hyung: .....like what
taehyungie: at least an hour of cuddling
hoseokie hyung: you drive a hard bargain......but you got a deal
taehyungie: °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°
we put the gay in "gay"
taebae: me and jimin are gonna host a movie night on saturday, everyone in?
notmom: of course! what movie?
taebae: haven't decided yet, but it'll be fun!
father: jin hyung and i will pay for food
chimchim: blessed
yoongio: let's do a horror movie
urhope: hyung :(
yoongio: :)
chimchim: :)
taetae: sorry hobi hyung, but you shouldn't have pushed yoonmin so hard
chimchim: wtf is a yoonmin
yoongio: tae :)))
taebae: lololol my b
private chat with m. yoongi and p. jimin
honey boy: jiminnie
sunshine: yeah hyung?
honey boy: you know you don't have to tell them if you don't want to
sunshine: i know.....
sunshine: i want to
sunshine: just not right now
honey boy: ok
honey boy: just let hyung know if they're bothering you too much
sunshine: haha okay hyung ily
sunshine: hyung? are you okay? you've been typing for almost five minutes
honey boy: haha yeah
honey boy: ily2 jimin