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First Ever ClintCoulson Appreciation Week
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Published:
2021-05-04
Words:
1,263
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
63
Kudos:
278
Bookmarks:
19
Hits:
1,590

Never Tell Me The Odds

Summary:

“I’ve got two turning the corner,” Steve informed him. “Operation Mini Me is in play.”

“Mini Me? Who named it …” Phil sighed. “Stark.”

“Sorry, but that distinction belongs to Birdbrain. I am not to blame for …” Tony stopped. “Oh, here they come. Hey, Spangles, bet I find it before you do!”

For Day 2: Nerd Day of the First Ever ClintCoulson Appreciation Week

Notes:

This fic started with a conversation on Discord about my local Walmart and blossomed from there. Written for Day 2: Nerd Day of the First Ever ClintCoulson Appreciation Week 2021.

May the Fourth be with you!!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Everyone in position?” Phil asked, scrolling through eight different video feeds.

 

“East Meadow’s a go,” Daisy chimed in first. 

 

“Bayonne Crossing’s ready,” Sam said. 

 

“I’m at the door in Teterboro,” Jemma replied. “Fitz has already begun the perimeter reconnoiter.”

 

“I can’t believe I’m in … what is this? North Bergen? Jersey is Jersey,” Tony groused. “You know I could just ..” 

 

“We’ve been over this Stark.” Phil hadn’t wanted to include Tony in this operation but he’d found out and insisted he take part, probably just to be a pain in Phil’s ass. “Steve? How’s Vineyard Square?” 

 

“I have eyes on the docking area.” Steve at least was taking this seriously. “No trucks have arrived yet.” 

 

“Intel from a source on scene says arrival ETA five minutes here at East Meadow,” Natasha checked in. “They’re expecting two trucks, full loaded.” 

 

“Clint?” Phil hadn’t heard from him in far too long and that made him uneasy. “Are you there?” 

 

“Green Acres is the place to be!” Clint’s singing usually cheered Phil up, but not when they were about to spring into action. There was a long wet slurp that interrupted the lyrics to the old TV theme song. 

 

“What are you drinking?” Natasha demanded. “Did you go in before …” 

 

“I did not! I’m a professional, Nat, what do you take me for?” Another long slurp. “There’s a Sonic in the parking lot and they have Red Bull grape slushies.”

 

“Hey!” Sam called. “Bring me an Oreo chocolate monster shake on your way back.” 

 

“Oh, I’ll take a Cherry Limeade,” Jemma said. “And Fitz loves a chocolate chip cookie dough blast.” 

 

“Stay on task, people,” Phil chided. “Jarvis’ tracking program is showing there should be some of the targeted material at each of your locations. He estimates that the highest percentage of acquisition success is at Vineyard Square and Teterboro, but all the locations clock an above average track record for having what we’re looking for. Remember the plan; be gentle and don’t raise suspicions …”

 

“Truck’s here!” Daisy practically shouted. “I’m going in.” 

 

“I’ve got two turning the corner,” Steve informed him. “Operation Mini Me is in play.” 

 

“Mini Me? Who named it …” Phil sighed. “Stark.” 

 

“Sorry, but that distinction belongs to Birdbrain. I am not to blame for …” Tony stopped. “Oh, here they come.  Hey, Spangles, bet I find it before you do!” 

 

“This isn’t a competition, Tony,” Steve said. 

 

“Kind of is, Cap,” Sam came back. “And I’m ahead ‘cause I’ve got the box in front of me and am ready to see what’s inside.” 

 

There was a flurry of back and forth as they all engaged, delivery trucks arriving within minutes of each other. Phil had to stop himself from pacing back and forth as they slowly began to report in.

 

“Nothing here.” Fitz was the first. “We went through all three boxes; they had some, but they were the same ones you already have.” 

 

“Yeah, it’s a bust here too,” Daisy replied. “Sorry, AC.” 

 

“Not a single box on the trucks here,” Steve informed him. “The Toy Department manager didn’t even know what I was talking about.”

 

“Same,” Natasha added. “Next delivery is on Saturday; my contact promises she’ll keep us updated. Finding one of these Walmart exclusives is harder than I expected.” 

 

“Aw, man, I thought for sure I had one.” Sam sounded as mournful as Phil felt. “This is ridiculous. Over 50 Funkos in the box and nada. Not a single Hawkeye or Black Widow.” 

 

“I’m telling you, Coulson,” Tony said. “The only way to do this is to let me go straight to the source, flash some money around …” 

 

“No.” Phil sighed. “That’s cheating.”

 

“It’s like baseball cards,” Steve said. “Got to chew that tasteless bubble gum and hope you find a rare one.” 

 

“Wonka’s Golden Ticket,” Jemma added. “Charlie got it fair and square.” 

 

“Clint? Did you …” Phil tapped his comm.

 

“Nah, babe, sorry.” Clint’s voice grew softer. “There’s a cinnabon here, tho. Want me to bring a four pack back with extra icing? We can zap ‘em in the microwave and do that thing …” 

 

“TMI, man, TMI.” Sam cut him off. “I mean, it’s great, the whole committed relationship thing you’ve got going, but I already know too much about your sex lives.” 

 

Clint huffed. “Like you’re not a screamer, dude. Oh, Steve. There, Steve …” 

 

“Are we calling this?” It was Steve’s turn to interrupt. “I want to stop at this Jewish delicatessen I saw on the way here. Gets great reviews on Yelp; anybody want anything?” 

 

“Yeah, the op’s a wrap,” Phil agreed. “And I’ll take a corned beef on rye with mustard.” 

 

Later, when they’d eaten the monstrously large sandwiches and the two dozen cinnamon rolls Clint brought back with the shakes and sodas, Phil slipped away from the noise and went back to the apartment. Clint joined him a few moments later. 

 

“Hey, babe.” He slipped his arms around Phil’s waist and tucked his chin on his shoulder. “Love you.” 

 

That declaration always brought a smile to his face; just how he’d ended up here, with someone like Clint, happy and in love, well, that was a mystery he didn’t need to solve. 

 

“Love you too,” he replied then let out a long sigh and released the tension he was carrying. “I know I get too wound up about this.” 

 

“Yeah, you do.” Clint kissed his neck just below his ear. “One of your more endearing qualities, how you geek out over things. And it’s a badge of honor to be banned from all Walmart stores in both New York and New Jersey. I’m only banned from Shake Shacks in the metro area.” 

 

“Why they insist on these exclusives with stores that don’t do it right …” Phil stopped himself; he’d complained enough today. “All I ask is a fair chance.” 

 

Clint’s phone began to ring, Pat Benatar belting out ‘hit me with your best shot.’ 

 

“Go on, answer her. They had a fight today,” Phil said when Clint went to silence it. 

 

“Hey, Hawkeye! Phil says hi.” Clint let go but slipped his free hand into Phil’s. “Yeah, he’s here …  When? Where?”  He squeezed Phil’s fingers. “Seriously? Pics or it didn’t happen.” Two seconds later, Clint’s phone dinged; he swiped the screen, then a big grin broke across his face. “For this, Katie-Kate, I’ll owe you big time.” 

 

He turned the phone and showed Phil. Two small figures were sitting on the hood of Kate’s purple Beetle. 

 

“She found them.” Phil’s heart thumped in his chest. “How? Where?”

 

“Burbank, of all places,” Kate answered as Clint put her on speaker. “There were these mole things .. not the animal but skin lesions, yuck … and we found the guy who created them right next door to the Walmart there. America reminded me when we saw the trucks arriving. Want me to box ‘em up and send ‘em your way?” 

 

“It’s only a 4 hour flight,” Phil reasoned. “If we leave now ..”

“In the morning,” Clint corrected with a wiggle of his eyebrows. “We’ll leave early and stop at that amazing taco place not far from Kate’s office. Been meaning to check in with the gang out there.” 

 

“Yes. Morning’s good. After celebratory pancakes.” Phil leaned in and kissed Clint; he kissed him back and they got caught up in the moment, forgetting the call was still active. 

 

“Thank you, Kate. That was so nice of you, Kate,” she groused. “If you’re making out, I’m ..” 

 

“Later, Kate.” Clint hung up on her and tossed the phone on the couch. “Phil, right now.”

 

“I’ll thank her tomorrow,” Phil agreed. 

Notes:

Listen. Don't roll your eyes at me. Finding those stupid Walmart or Walgreens or Gamestop exclusive Funko pop figurines is a bitch when you live in a little town with a crappy Walmart where the Toy Department manager has never even heard of a Funko Pop! The poor woman probably runs when she sees me coming these days. Damn straight, if I had the resources, I'd deploy a whole operation to find a Funko mystery mini Endgame Ronin with his mask down. That puppy's over $100 on ebay.

And now I want a diet cherry limeaid from Sonic ...